BPDx broke NC after two months - how to react?

[Jami]

I found an e-mail he's sent me 4 days ago in my spam bin (i had blocked him). It's been nearly two months we're NC after some heavy backlash / threats from his side. He writes that he tried to send me an sms (i blocked him on phone too) and fathoms that i did not receive it, so he resends it via e-mail by adding a few more considerations.

Basically, he states that he has wished to contact me many times since our break-up, but was scared about being molesting, offensive or attacking. Through the lines i read that he can't actually figure out what could make a conversation molesting / is unsure about how he may be perceived.

He adds that he feels very ashamed and guilty about his acting-out, which he describes as brutal, childish and narcissistic. He apologises for having behaved in such a way, that i didn't deserve it and that it does not take away anything from the beautiful things we experienced together. He says that he knows, deep in his heart, that his reaction isn't a part of himself.

He concludes by saying that he hopes that i will contact him one day, because he misses me and my voice, that he loved me very much, hopes that i am well and sends a hug.

I might add that yesterday he met my son on the street, for the first time since our break-up, and exchanged a few words with him. He told him that he misses him very much and that he will always be there for him if my son wished so.

I've been on the brink of writing him too several times during these two months (wrote, never sent). Specially after reading about how heavy BPD is for those who suffer from it. I do not hate him, am not angry at him and truly wish him all the best. Emotionally, i think i resolved my attachment and am not missing him or desiring to rekindle the r/s in any way. But cutting so sharply with someone who's been so close does not fit into my system of values. Staying NC, though necessary, has been hard and felt unnatural.

I would love to send him a word, tell him that i have no resentments and that i wish him good, just to free him from doubts and allow him to move on. At the same time, this would give me an opportunity to signify that his behaviour was unacceptable and that i would not tolerate anything similar in the future (setting boundaries).

So, my questions are: good idea? Bad idea? If it's ok to reply, how best to formulate? Anyone had similar experiences? What are the risks?

Thank you for you insights

Jami

[Duplicity]

Hi Jami,

Congratulations on the progress that you've made with no contact as it relates to your ex. When you are away from your BPD partner for some time, you can really see what was going on in the relationship and put things in perspective. No contact is a struggle for me; I admire your strength!

In response to your question, what do you think is best? Reaching out to him and acknowledging his email is a kind gesture and could allow him to move on. But could it possibly be detrimental to you or him? Reopen old wounds perhaps? You stated that he reached out to your son. I'm sure your ex is fully aware that your son told you about this encounter. By staying NC, you send a clear message to him that you are content with things as they stand, despite him having reached out to your son. If you break NC, he may then feel free to contact you reguarly or sporadically. If you want things to remain as they've been, staying NC may be the best option. Besides, NC forces him to move on and get closure. Its loving and caring of you to even consider his feelings and need for closure. Handle this in the best way that gives YOU contentment. Best wishes!

[Jami]

Thank you for your kind words and wise insights AllMyHearth.

In the meantime i picked up the mail and kind of analysed its contents with a more detached approach (vs emotional first read). What came out of my "analysis" is kind of troubling, though not out of line with what has happened before.

When digging deeper into his words he definitely does not seem ok, and his not being ok is definitely not only linked to our failed relationship (i.e. his uncertainties about my position toward him).

i am generally confused about why he would want to reach out. There are some apologies in his text, but they definitely do not occupy a large enough space considering the weight and consequences of his actions. The apologies may indicate that he's worked on his reactions in therapy, but i suspect that he is just repeating what the therapist said. I am not positive about him truly being aware of their impact and seriousness. It seems more likely that he is concerned about himself and about his own needs (i wanted to reach out but didn't know how, i miss your voice, i am happy to have found the courage to write you... .). This "lack of awareness" would reflect the typical BPD trait of feeling empty, not having an identity of one's own and mirroring what others signal. I experienced this thoroughly with him. He would go talk with his mother and come back with her statements in his mouth. He would go to therapy and come back with the therapist's words in his mouth. He would even change the tone of his voice according to the tone of whom he had previously talked to.

In conclusion, i believe that my ex is still in low-functioning mode and, though benefiting from some temporarily imposed external structure (therapy + occupational program) he seems utterly lost. He does not know where to turn to, what to wish for, what to plan for himself, whom to rely upon. From what i've read about BPD, i believe that if he had found a replacement he would not feel this urging need to contact me. I also sense that i am actually not that important to him as the person i am, but much more so as an object of self-containment, approval, guidance and emotional feeding. He is lost on his own, and projects his needs onto trustful people whom he knows might be sympathetic to his situation. I, having showed the willingness and empathy to support him, fall into that spectrum. I am not saying that he is intentionally manipulating to get what he needs, but that his needs are stronger than him.

In this light, i ought to be specially careful about an eventual reply. Honestly, after having read through the lines, i am not very prone to writing back at all. I will never be able to fulfil the nurture and care he probably expects from me, and if i don't, he is likely to leash out again. I am scared of that possibility.

However, not reacting at all might engender some deep frustrations and hateful thinking, which may in turn cause serious damage. Tricky situation.

Have you managed to keep some contact? How do you handle it? Has it been helpful to you and your pwBPD?

[Readyforsomechan]

Thank you for your kind words and wise insights AllMyHearth.

In the meantime i picked up the mail and kind of analysed its contents with a more detached approach (vs emotional first read). What came out of my "analysis" is kind of troubling, though not out of line with what has happened before.

... .

I read this thread with empathy, as it reminds me of where I stand (or rather, sit) right now in front of the computer. My ex with BPD and I have been involved for 8 years and all I can say is that many breakups have come and gone, and right now I am in the midst of another one; hopefully the last.  This time may be a bit different for me because I am aware of the BPD roller coaster now, having read "Understand Your Situation" and that fit my situation to a "T".  In reading threads from non-BPD partners in reference to renewing communication with their X's the first reaction I have is silently screaming to myself "don't do it".  But having been that person to rekindle whatever remains of the relationship (due in part to my own loneliness and low self-esteem) many times, all I can say is I hope you make the best choice for yourself and your son in this situation.

Peace,
RFSC

[Sheila3636]

Just my two cents. You may want to read "The Gift of Fear." G.D. Becker the author says that the absolute best way and ultimately only way, of ending things with a borderline -- he refers to them as "unstable personalities," is to go NC completely. ANY response gives the manipulative person hope, it gives them an opening.

He is a consultant to people in politics and entertainment and business, and has advised many people on how to get rid of stalkers of all kinds. He assesses who presents a physical danger/danger of violence and who doesn't. But he talks about EMOTIONAL violence people do, the chaos they make in others peoples lives. And he gives a lot of instances where women with men, and even people in business etc., give some kind of intermittent reinforcement of clingy behavior, and says it ALWAYS gives people a reason to reach out again and try to get their needs met again.

A lot of manipulative people come across as very sincere whenever it suits their needs. This does NOT mean that they are sincere. This book was very eye-opening for me.

[Jami]

In reading threads from non-BPD partners in reference to renewing communication with their X's the first reaction I have is silently screaming to myself "don't do it".  But having been that person to rekindle whatever remains of the relationship (due in part to my own loneliness and low self-esteem) many times, all I can say is I hope you make the best choice for yourself and your son in this situation.

RFSC, i find that "silent scream" very powerful: deep down we know we shouldn't, may wisely suggest to others that they shouldn't but then find ourselves troubled and unsure about how to handle it for ourselves.

I can totally relate to your mentioning loneliness and low self-esteem as a matrix here and believe that in this case (BPD/non relationship) what makes it especially tricky may be our need to be seen, understood, loved and accepted. I got better over the years, but can clearly remember how i would take any rejection very personally in the past. However small, it inevitably made me reconnect with that sobbing, desperately lonely and rejected little girl inside my chest. The BPD discard and emotional manipulation keeps us hooked, and though NC rationally seems like being the only way out, it goes against our subconscious needs and drives. In this situation, we cannot take it personally, unless we want to trap ourselves in a never ending drama. We have to detach from our perceived source of love (the BPD) and learn to care for, soothe and love ourselves.

It is a big lesson, and in many ways i am starting to feel gratefulness for my pwBPD. He has brought me to the point where i literally must learn to love and protect myself first.

And he gives a lot of instances where women with men, and even people in business etc., give some kind of intermittent reinforcement of clingy behavior, and says it ALWAYS gives people a reason to reach out again and try to get their needs met again.

A lot of manipulative people come across as very sincere whenever it suits their needs. This does NOT mean that they are sincere. This book was very eye-opening for me.

Thank you for the suggestion Sheila. I will check it out, it definitely sounds very interesting. When thinking in-depth about NC vs LC, or whatever "C" breaking NC might engender, i sense that there are many forces at play. I would, indeed, open a door. What goes out through it may be in my control, but what comes back trough it is definitely not. And i am not sure at all about the health and solidity of my boundaries. There is no viable kind of interaction that would not result in damage for one or both sides. So i might embrace G.D. Becker's ultimate and only way for now, at least until i'll feel stronger.

[Duplicity]

Jami,

Sorry for the delayed response. It's been a lot going on.
I have been struggling with the no contact thing. I still love mine, so no contact doesn't work too well. I'll go no contact for a while, miss him terribly but still won't reach out. He seems to sense when I'm at my weakest, and he will reach out. At that time, I will be at a low point and unable to resist. So I'm still struggling with that.

I also agree that BPDs  are manipulative at times, and that no contact is the best way when you are truly done with them. They will always come back and try to use you to build them up when they are feeling lonely and rejected. If he broke things off with you and he's done with you, then I agree that no contact is best. And if you're unwilling to reconcile the relationship on your end, then no contact is also best here. Shut that door and move on. Never leave them or anyone (BPD or not) an opening to return. They will always catch you off guard and appear after youve healed and moved on, or when youre weak and/or missing them. As you know, this will keep you in limbo emotionally and possible hurt yourself or any new potential partners you may begin to date later on.

What did you decide to do as it concerns your ex?  You seem to have made peace with the space from him. What makes you want to respond?  Do you still love him, or want him back? Is this to give you closure or is it really about giving him closure?