Hi shep1166,
I'm sorry you've been put through the wringer and know that you are in no way alone in your experiences.
I'm on these boards because my significant other (SO) has an undiagnosed BPD ex-wife (uBPDxw) and they share 2 daughters now 16 and 21. He went through similar stuff... .Parental alienation, false allegations of abuse, kids used as weapons (spied on their dad, went through his things, went through his phone, stole his computer to try and hack into it,... .all reported back to their mother... .even the refrigerator contents God forbid you have raspberry sorbet in the freezer!), older daughter was "home schooled" with on-line courses (against the a wishes of her father and advice of school principal and teachers) which amounted to her first year of high school GPA being 0.0, failed to get younger daughter dental treatment (daughter had to have her tooth pulled because of the months of delay not to mention the pain daughter was in during that time), older daughter in our case has also been parentified, younger daughter has PTSD... .all horrible stuff.
The ex has never gone after me but is very jealous of me (I'm going to be completely petty but honest here and say that I get some satisfaction from that )
And I too was shocked by our "justice system" both in terms of how it works and the bias against men. I idealistically and naively believed it was fair... .and maybe it eventually gets there after years and thousands of dollars but it is a painful affair.
I developed PTSD from that first wave of harassment so bad, that i would literally cower and hide every time I heard a police siren.
Even though the accusations were false, and almost entirely overturned in court , the fact that the arrests were on file was enough to cost me any chance of custody in family court. They awarded her full custody. Because she had quit working just prior to the divorce, I was required to pay 100% support, which equates to $2500 per month out of my paycheck. I could go on and on, but the shock of the absolute inability of family courts to address or even acknowledge the emotional instability of my ex is absolutely astonishing.
Unfortunately, you are not alone here, many members (particularly dads) have had long drawn out fights (my SO's divorce took 2 years) that start with them spending the most and having the least amount of time with their kids. Several dads here who have not given up have turned the tide, but it's been tough and involves learning how the system works, going back to court (and the risk that entails), documenting their (and their children's) situations, problem solving etc... .it takes a lot of energy (and money) which is tough when you have an ex sapping that energy with constant battles about this and that.
Though the time seems very short with my kids, and the financial strain i am now under is ridiculous, my relationship with my kids is much better. Unfortunately I am literally watching my kids hearts being destroyed by their constant stress and turmoil of living in their mothers home. Almost all of my kids are manafesting signs of emotional trauma. The oldest struggles with sever parentalization due to being held accountable for the care and actions of her younger siblings by her mother. My middle daughter has a stockier build than her sisters which her mother has become obsessive about countering, forcing her to diet and exercise excessively at age 11. My 10 year old already struggles with self destructive thoughts, suicidal ideation, and sever self image problems... .the 7 year old and 4 year old are still pretty young, but have explosive tempers.
All of the above is awful and painful to watch, I know, but don't forget that their time with you is a respite from that, and is a place that they can safely be themselves. You and your partner can show your kids that there is another way to be, to live, this is the gift you are giving them.
Are the kids still going to the domestic abuse therapy? What does that entail? Because it could be argued there is domestic abuse going on but their mother is the abuser... .emotional abuse is still abuse. Are you seeing any benefits from this therapy?
Somehow through all of this, I found a pretty amazing woman who loves me enough to join in this mess... .
You might also recommend our site to her. There are somethings that are difficult specifically related to being the new woman, or step parent that can be difficult to talk to you guys about or that we need help with or sometimes just an outside place to vent. My SO and I are both members here and it has really helped us both be on the same page and speak the same language when it comes to his ex and their daughters.
I have been in counseling for years with this stuff... .
I'm glad you are getting counseling around all of this, my SO found it particularly helpful with managing his anger, and strategies to help his daughters when he had them with him.
... .emotional terrorism.
This really is it in a nutshell isn't it, it feels exactly like terrorism
Can you tell me what communication with your ex looks like these days? Do you talk, text, email?
How do your interactions go?
Thank you for sharing more of your story. Your situation is tough but it can get better many of us have similar stories and many of us have gained primary custody both through the courts and our (older) children voting with their feet in terms of who they live with. In my SO's case their mother did awful things to both daughters (stories for another time) and in 2015 both moved in with their dad full-time (court order or no court order). D21 is no contact with her mother and D16 still talks/texts with her mom but rarely sees her.
Panda39
