Why reach out after so long?

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

Recap... .she discarded me after texting me she had a lesbian encounter and from my point of view convincing herself that she was into women out of the blue. "Hi" is the message I get after 5 months... .when I was finally moving on, talking with another girl, had completely stopped thinking of her. I dont reply to the first message, but a day later I get a "How are you?" I knew I shouldnt have replied but all the questions I had before crept back into my thoughts. We have general convos on how the families are doing what we have been up to. She tells me she's on a new script that seems to be helping her "depression." Then she asks me if it bothers me that she's texting me, which I tell her if it did I wouldnt be doing it... .She then texts "You know me better than anyone in the entire world and I never wanted to you go and just let you be off in the world but it just happened that way. I never allowed great closure either. I just wanted reassurance from you that you didnt feel negatively towards me", after my reply I get "I also dont want you laughing thinking that I am weak and Im just running back to you." a day later I can tell by her texts that she's down(no surprise) and after a text I get "I miss you often."... .later on in the night I get "Im drunk" ! Now I honestly have no idea why she bothered texting me after so long... .I honestly dont even know if she is a lesbian or not... .why does there have to be so much confusion with these individuals?

At this point I wouldnt mind being just a casual friend with her, I really hold no ill will like I did right after the discard, but these individuals are just so weird... .she's actually down (depressed) at the moment as she went into silent mode, but damn are they confusing. Im just really curious as to why after so long reach out?

[vaztek2003]

Recap... .she discarded me after texting me she had a lesbian encounter and from my point of view convincing herself that she was into women out of the blue. "Hi" is the message I get after 5 months... .when I was finally moving on, talking with another girl, had completely stopped thinking of her. I dont reply to the first message, but a day later I get a "How are you?" I knew I shouldnt have replied but all the questions I had before crept back into my thoughts. We have general convos on how the families are doing what we have been up to. She tells me she's on a new script that seems to be helping her "depression." Then she asks me if it bothers me that she's texting me, which I tell her if it did I wouldnt be doing it... .She then texts "You know me better than anyone in the entire world and I never wanted to you go and just let you be off in the world but it just happened that way. I never allowed great closure either. I just wanted reassurance from you that you didnt feel negatively towards me", after my reply I get "I also dont want you laughing thinking that I am weak and Im just running back to you." a day later I can tell by her texts that she's down(no surprise) and after a text I get "I miss you often."... .later on in the night I get "Im drunk" ! Now I honestly have no idea why she bothered texting me after so long... .I honestly dont even know if she is a lesbian or not... .why does there have to be so much confusion with these individuals?

At this point I wouldnt mind being just a casual friend with her, I really hold no ill will like I did right after the discard, but these individuals are just so weird... .she's actually down (depressed) at the moment as she went into silent mode, but damn are they confusing. Im just really curious as to why after so long reach out?

[Sargeras]

I promise that based on what you said she is not a lesbian. It can vary from person to person, but for the most part, BPDs are all over the map with regard to their emotion. On monday she hates you on tuesday she loves you.

Don't take her dropping you like that personally. The same thing happened to me, also over text. Its a tough pill to swallow but at the time of her having discarded you, she found someone to idealize. For a period of weeks/months, she most likely praised, elevated, practically worshiped this person. One thing I've learned thru people that I've spoken with who have BPD in addition to my past experience, is that the honeymoon phase erodes quickly. It's very easy to invalidate somebody with BPD and cause them to devalue you. You can be convicted for saying something, for not saying something, failure to mirror her body language, failure to properly mirror her tone of voice, etc. Doing any of these things or a combination of them have potential to cause somebody who was once idealized to have a rapid deterioration of value in the eyes of the BPD.

There's a lot of potential for regret on her end. When things inevitably fell thru with this other person she discarded you for, the first person she probably thought of to lean on was you. She may have ended the relationship because she felt you were going to end it soon and wanted to beat you to the punch. There's much more security for a pwBPD being the dropper rather than the droppee. Being abandoned is an absolutely horrible feeling for them. It's quite possibly the worst feeling. It's very intense, painful, and nearly anything will be done to alleviate that feeling.

Regardless of what caused her to devalue you, BPDs are still people. She won't forget about the good times she shared with you. She fell in love with you. That's a switch that doesn't turn off. She's got potential to contact you years down the line. 

Bottom line: she's confused, and I doubt she knows what she wants. There's a lot of impulsive behavior associated with the disorder. There's an even greater fear of abandonment. If she isn't a bad person, and you think she'd make a good friend, then go ahead and keep her as a friend. Take it SLOW, however. Don't send her mixed messages. If you're in this to be platonic, be platonic. Don't confuse her. You can be a point of solace for her as a friend. Don't cut things off with this other girl just because she showed back up. It's healthy for her to see you moving on. It's healthy for you to be seeing other people. You can still be stability for her, though. You can at least be someone she can talk to when she's having a rough time. If there's a part of you that doesn't think you can simply be friends while you sustain the intentions of doing so, I don't recommend talking to her at this point. You'll not only drag yourself back into the thick of it, but you'll make things unnecessarily rough on her.

Do what's best for her, but more importantly, do what's best for YOURSELF. You're 5 months in and as you stated finally moving on. Is this something you're okay with potentially getting into again? Is she worth your time? Are things with this new girl of yours going somewhere? Be honest with yourself.

I wish you the best of luck.

[Skip]

Very good post, saedrix.  

All I can add is that it sounds like she had another breakup and she is reaching out for support. You loved her and she blew that up, but she remembers the warmth and caring you provided to her.

Do you want to get actively involved in her relationship grieving or run the risk or a rebound, or do you want to be a good guy, give her some heart-felt validation and slowly let her drift back out?

You took a pretty good hit from her a while back... .you probably still have questions... .I don't think going down that path will not be fruitful. She is not likely in a place to help heal you.

[Pretty Woman]

Vaztek,
   I am going to second Skip here. It sounds like her relationship failed and she has put out feelers to see if you are available.

While not all BPD relationships are the same, they do tend to follow similar scripts.

My ex would go silent for months when she was actively persuing or with someone else. It's as if I didn't exist... .and to her, I didn't. I would only hear from her when she was devaluing another person or had no back up plan.

BPD's cannot be alone.

The pattern consistently repeats and each time you let them back in, you get hurt worse. You also show them by allowing them back in, that this is "acceptable" behavior.

I need to ask you this... .why do you want to be friends with someone who wrote you off for months, did not speak to you when you needed them the most?

Is that what friendship means to you?

There is no right or wrong answer. How you feel is how you feel. I just advise you tread with caution. Remember how you felt the first time. If you think you can handle the high chance of that happening again... .

Just really think about it before pulling the trigger here.

Just my advice!

PW
 

[Skip]

I am going to second Skip here. It sounds like her relationship failed and... .

I think my point is that the she has loss in her life. She is looking for comfort because this relationship was always a safe place - even when it ended (remember, she didn't get hurt).

What she wants, may be just some comfort and light friendship. Under the right circumstances between he partners, this might go further, but we can't tag that on her and we can't call that now. She just called for comfort.

Quick sidebar... .

My ex would go silent for months when she was actively persuing or with someone else. It's as if I didn't exist... .and to her, I didn't. I would only hear from her when she was devaluing another person or had no back up plan. BPD's cannot be alone. The pattern consistently repeats and each time you let them back in, you get hurt worse. PW, I think it will really help to let go of the idea of a BPD script and not think of your situation or vaztek2003 situation as part of some universal behavior related to BPD. That notion is really helpful when we first come here and realize that our partner had behavioral traits and chronic relationship problems similar to other people with similar afflictions. It's the key to a complex reality that we lived.  It's a huge tool. However, later in the recovery cycle its really important to see that, however complex their life is, bad relationships take two. And the longer the bad relationship and the more the cycles or the longer the recovery, the more that suggests that we have some "junk in our trunk" that needs cleaning out. Not everything a person with BPD does is traceable to BPD or pathological. A simple example; far more people are tossed out by text message or ghosted than the entire population of pwPD traits. This is very much a function of technology and social media - its not a BPD thing. The same with "no contact" - so many websites sell this as "healthy" that we created a cultural mores that of painting partners black (a BPD pathology) as part of healing. You also show them by allowing them back in, that this is "acceptable" behavior. I sense that you are still pretty vulnerable to doing another round if its offered. You are really struggling to detach after all that has happened. Keep the spotlight on you. Own the recycles. It will sting a bit, but it will be your ticket out. Might be worth posting a thread about.

At this point I wouldnt mind being just a casual friend with her, I really hold no ill will... .

I need to ask you this... .why do you want to be friends with someone who wrote you off for months, did not speak to you when you needed them the most? Is that what friendship means to you?

This is a good question to mill over. What is "being friends with an ex that treated you badly in the end".  

I personally think that "resolving the rejection" is what motivates us in these cases - not the idea of having a best friend / confidant or even a movie buddy. I think "resolving the rejection" really helps us if we can do it without taking on a burden. It's almost a "I'm ok, you're ok" type of thing.

[vaztek2003]

Hey guys, sorry for the lack of reply, but I truly appreciate the comments.

I do believe she reached out because something isnt right in her life. when she first got in contact she told me things were good, that she found a medication that finally helps her "depression." Then some days back she texts saying she's in a rut emotionally, that she thinks the pill is a sugar pill and it was only a placebo effect that made her think that it was working.

I honestly dont hold any hard feelings towards her, especially after finding this site and reading up on this condition. It truly eased a lot of my pain, yes pain that she caused with the quick discard, but its not as if they can help themselves.

I wouldnt mind being platonic friends with her, but I just cant read her motives yet. Yes she's looking for comfort in something that was safe, but in our last convo on facetime, she was saying things like she wanted to take things slow between us... .jokingly said something about me coming back to her(mind you she texted me after 5 months, I had given up on hearing from her)... .asked me how it felt to be so weak in the knees with love? Yet she was setting boundaries on what adjectives I could say to her, basically anything resembling romance was a no no. She said that rules still applied about not showing up at her house or job unannounced... .mind you that was never me (her other exes). If anything with me she had all the privacy and did as she pleased (probably why she ended up having an affair with another woman).She said I couldnt take her out on a date because we weren't dating yet... .She's a hard read for me right now. She's flirty but doesnt want to be flirted with. Especially now that she has a lil swagger about doing what she pleases in life, which is what I always allowed LOL! They crazy:D

The thing I always hated and never told her while we dated was the hot/cold communications... .one day she texts, facetimes for hours. Other days are silent. Now I just reply when replied to, while before I would inundate her phone with texts checking up on her.

Also I think Skip hit the nail on the head. It is more about resolving the rejection and clearing up all the confusion. I did get an apology for how it ended. She is calling me a know it all because she says I tried to tell her what her sexual orientation was, when all I did what ask her if she was really into girls and repeated things she said in the past or fantasies she had never with women. We'll see, she'll prob tire of me by weeks end and hit someone else up, !

[Lost-love-mind]

why do you want to be friends with someone who wrote you off for months, did not speak to you when you needed them the most?

Is that what friendship means to you?

Pretty W.

Thanks for that wisdom.
I've had ideas of trying to reconnect on my own. Why? Our idealization period was beyond any attachment to any person in my life.
I've come to the realization that recreation of that with my exBPD would be impossible, or lead to another trip for me to the abyss. My life is just starting an upswing. No need to look back at what could have been.

When the time comes the right person will come into my life. I just need to realize my timeline for expediency (desperation) put me with the wrong person.

[vaztek2003]

I figured out she lied to me about the whole lesbian thing... .from what I gathered it was just as I believed and she began a relationship with her boss. She aent me a picture today of a sexy outfit she had on in someone elses home... .little did she know that I remembered the inside of the house frompictured of a party she attended at her boss. Its funny what lenghts she went through to hode her secret and she has yet to tell me. That relationship must be in flux if she reached out after 5 months, but it all makes sense... .even the fact that I spotted him around my job a coupleof times when before that I had never seen him ever... .only through pocs.

[lovenature]

Im just really curious as to why after so long reach out?

To see if an attachment is still in place, all depends on the reality she makes up based on her emotion of the moment and if any other attachments are available. Some members have been contacted after YEARS of NC, the key is to not reply.

[vaztek2003]

Its crazy how they reach out the minute ones life is getting over the chaos they left behind. Lol! I actually feel sad for these individuals, including my ex. She willmost likelynever enjoy life, which is a tragedy.