He had taken over my life - it was all consuming.  In so many ways at the end it was extremely negative but I still had the flashes of 'hope' he gave in intermittent reinforcement.  Those times where the dream was kept alive, the possibility of the castles in the air.  I always wanted to be a princess, after all... . 

I had been hooked at the idealisation stage alright.  When we met I felt pretty worthless, past it and unlikely to ever attract another mate after the 10 year toxic r/s I'd exited 18 months earlier.  I was a single mum with low self esteem and a chronic pain condition.  Didn't rate my chances of being adored very highly.  Neither was I even on the market for a relationship. 

We met in the gym.  Suddenly I was the most amazing and beautiful woman on earth.  My codependent tendency soon saw an opportunity to help someone who was open about mental health issues and struggles in life.  My heart melted for him and we were quickly enmeshed.  I felt swept off my feet, brought alive by the passion of our r/s and his hopes for our future.  An idea I was receptive to because I deep down was seeking someone to value me in a way I didn't value myself.  To fill the void, dispel my fears and be the person who truly saw me for who I am.  Once we were over, I could not see myself feeling the same fierce love for anyone else and felt the dream was shattered.  He had been everything I never knew I always wanted. 

Turns out that was myself.   

i voted "possibly, but not likely".


on one hand, i believed during the relationship that she was "the one". on the other, i had felt that way about someone before, and then felt very differently about that later, and i guess i had come to believe, generally, that breakups happen for a reason, that if that happens it "wasnt meant to be", and that there are others for me out there. a part of me knew id never see her as "the one who got away".

having said that, i remember describing myself after the breakup as "wilting" without her. i certainly felt in that moment that she was the key to my happiness.

and of course, the relationship was uniquely special in many ways. there were many "firsts". it was my first adult relationship really; my longest relationship before it had been three months where this was just shy of three years. that was a big loss.

I struggled with this. She was uniquely special. The truth is that she was. The relationship was. It was romance of a lifetime until external crisis changed things. As hard as we both tried, things never resolved after that. She was very hard to deal with. Way up. Way down.

To try to deal with it all, I tried to convince myself that she wasn't special. I knew all her problems and I tried to focus on that. It helped for a little while, but it never felt right.

It took a long time for me to be ok with the fact that she was special. I will never replace that. But when I look back at the good relationships in my life, they were all special.

I used to think my ex at one time held the key to my happiness. I thought that if I did everything he wanted, he would be happy and then I would be happy. It never worked. Nothing I did was ever enough.  I now know that we each hold the key to our own happiness.

Looking back, I never really truly thought he was the "one". I had been through a string of abusive relationships and he seemed like a nice safe guy. I was so so wrong. It took me nearly 20 years to come to terms with that. I had been emotionally exhausted and shut down when I met him and stayed that way during our marriage until I finally woke up and realized how bad things with him really were.

That's good articulation, I had similar feelings.

This, as with the other beliefs, makes a great question, and I think personally my own answer varied throughout the course of the relationship (I left him for good in July after the stress of dealing with both his volatility and the effects it had on me and my family landed me in the hospital).  At first I think I willingly handed him the keys to my happiness, the sun rose and set on him, he became my utter focus to an incredibly unhealthy extent, and I eagerly bent my life around his with deleterious consequences.  As the relationship progressed, I look back now and see that there was maybe one year out of 9 years total that had relative normalcy associated with it, and this was likely because he was living with me for part of that time and felt somewhat secure, and also more likely because I had abandoned all of my friends and other pursuits to cater to him (I obviously still went to work because he sure as heck didn't, but rushed to be by his side immediately afterwards, eschewing many opportunities that could have been beneficial to my career in exchange for "helping" him with the crisis du jour).

It's hard to know exactly when, but I REALLY internalized the fact that things were doomed probably around March of 2014 when he became actively and probably dangerously delusional and was in the mental hospital for a time.  Despite that, I took him back and things were a rollercoaster for the next several years.  He believed and STILL believes that I hold the key to HIS happiness, and he texts me messages of that nature pretty much daily, but I certainly don't see him as holding the key to anything good for me. 
 
The problem for me going forward is NOT about returning to him.  I won't.  It is more the fact that I believe at some level that A MAN per se holds the key to my happiness.  I have never been single for long (not since 19), had a long marriage (30 years together) and then this 9 year relationship with the diagnosed BPD/NPD.  I am depressed and feel terribly alone.  I'm turning 60 next month and wish I could be happy and peaceful being single, but I was raised in such a way that marriage was the be-all and end-all, and I find it very hard to NOT be married or at least moving in that direction.  I kick myself all the time for being involved with the BPD/NPD for so many years because I certainly may have missed the boat on other possibilities.

I need to figure out and believe that a relationship isn't the key to my happiness... .with him or with anyone, but it's hard.  I have a wonderful job, 3 great daughters, and some good friends, but I really want a partner.  I'm afraid I'll either see red flags in everyone I meet (I've already turned down a few chances) or become a total hermit.  It's a confusing time and to make matters worse, the ex is STILL actively pursuing another recycle and I haven't gone NC out of guilt and not wanting to hurt him.  I don't see him at all, but the frequent text messages are still painful. 

Trying to focus on work and family (and maybe brownies) as better keys to happiness here.

I so relate to this statement, I remember a couple of times thinking this... .I still don't understand why I couldn't. It is something that has been preoccupying my mind over the last months, why I didn't leave him when things were at its worst...

I responded 'not sure' to the question. I think I was going back and forth about the idea if he was going to be the key to my happiness. I think also because I didn't actually believe anymore happiness had to come from another person. I had learned to be alone, and I was actually in a good place before I met him. I had been single for many years, and a couple of times dated someone for a longer period but they didn't end up becoming relationships, and they were disappointing experiences. But eventually I got over that feeling of needing to be with someone, I had actually put the idea aside, and was actually happy and thankful for the life I was leading. And if it had to be alone, so be it.

When the first red flags were coming up after a few months, somewhere deep inside I realized this was a person with issues, a lot of issues. And then later on when the cyclical discussions, the arguments, the threatening behavior and the anger become worse,  I knew it was him who was suffering the most. And like was said before in this thread, somehow staying with him, gave my life purpose. We had promised each other to grow old together, to build up a life together, and just like I felt I deserve to be loved, I felt that he did too, so I wanted to stick to the deal by all means.   

Somehow naively I never actually thought it would come to a point where I wouldn't be needed by him anymore.

 I am able to recognize that she wasn't the be all end all of my happiness. I can reflect and see that as special as i was meant to feel in the beginning and at times, it was not something I was feeling for a long time. I thought our relationship was maturing to the point we were content with living the normal adult life where people don't have to be attached at the hip constantly, I wasn't aware this was building resentment on her end, because she could never communicate. Even in the beginning, I felt she was coming on strong with the LOVE BOMBING, but i was in a fragile broken place that needed that kind of adoration. As I grew I didn't need it as much, but the seeds were planted subconsciously... .The thing that will always stick with me when she was firing venom at me about the ending of our marriage was after I said I was never mean or hurtful "you never treated me like $#!T, BUT YOU SURE AS HE! DIDNT MAKE ME FEEL SPECIAL". That sealed it for me, she wanted undying devotion and obsession... .I couldn't give that ontop of being the main adult. It is unrealistic for her to expect that of me or anyone. especially with some of the things that shes said and done over the years. I will find happiness and I hope the realistic happiness overrides the imprint shes left in my brain.

This article really hits me between the eyes because it was so true for me.

Over ten years, I lost who I was and just became this... .automaton for my uBPDxw's needs, wants, dreams, and wishes. At the time, I could not see that I had lost myself so thoroughly. No, I was too busy saving up money for her next large purchase (big-ticket item), too busy dodging her hateful behavior, too busy renovating the house to her specifications, too busy trying to forgive her for walking out on me (over and over), and too busy trying to be a great dad. Despite all this, if she was happy, then I was happy. That's how it went.

Back then, I didn't realize how many lies I had to tell myself in order to make this relationship "work." Back then, I didn't know that I was actually unhappy with this arrangement until she walked out on me for good. Back then, I didn't know that, one day, I would be flooded with the sweetest relief when she finally divorced me.

But, I do now.


-Speck

I answered possibly but not likely.

Our beginning was great, but not crazy idealization, or if it was I didn't sense that. Maybe my meter is off though, because my last significant relationship before her was with someone who was BPD or possible ASPD and she took the cake for idealization. After that relationship, I was pretty aware of the whole idealization thing.

I was attracted to her in the beginning, but not drug like attraction like I had in that past relationship. I felt pretty independent and yet really connected. Therefore, it's possible she was idealizing on her end and I just had no idea.

We got married fairly quickly for reasons having to do with her career, but again nothing felt like it was moving remarkably fast or felt over the top. Everything felt pretty rational and our love felt steady.

I didn't really get bad until this last year and even still, she felt strongly committed just troubled by our life not looking like she wanted it to, but that could be blamed on her career again. The devaluation felt out of nowhere and the discard even more out of nowhere. However, I got the sense that the devaluation was happening more than I knew behind the scenes and I developed some anxiety around that. It seemed like nothing was ever right and it was my job to make it better.

So, at first, no, I didn't feel like she held the key to my happiness. As some of my pursuits started to slip away though from following her career, I think I became more invested in our marriage as my main identity. But, she seemed to be right there with me and it was a reasonable thing to do in our community. It wasn't until she started to behave like an unmarried person that I felt like I was losing myself, and only then did it feel like she held the key to my happiness. Even then though, I feel like it was her necessarily but the life we built together. I was very invested in it and our future plans and was so eager to keep building a life with her.

During our separation, I've learned that she doesn't necessarily hold the key to my happiness, but that I was very happy with the life we were building together. I miss her and we complemented each other in a lot of ways, but I can't see myself being longterm happy with someone who feels the need to live a separate life or keep so much from me. I know it was her way of protecting herself and others from her illness, but I loved her illness, too. It wasn't separate from our marriage and didn't need to be hidden or kept a secret.

When given a shot at another relationship, with her or anyone else, I've learned to keep my hobbies and not invest my whole identity into being a married person. I'd like to be in a relationship where marriage was a central identity, and she was that person for a long time, but I won't do that at the expense of losing myself ever again.