ending an 8 year relationship with someone who has BPD

[radio1]

Hi there,
   I've been involved in a relationship with someone who I'm pretty certain has BPD - though I don't have a professional diagnosis.  But, after talking with friends who have dealt with someone who has BPD and reading books like "Walking On Eggshells" I pretty sure she has some version of the disorder.
  The beginning of our relationship was wonderful but over time it seemed as if she got more demanding.  She's always telling me that I don't give her enough love.  She has temper tantrums and slams doors.  She's seen various therapists and has cycled through close to a dozen medications that were supposed to help her with her depression.  So, far none of it has helped.
   We own a home and a dog together and we are registered domestic partners.  We went away to a wedding in Mexico for my cousin.  About 3 days in she had a blow up that I tried to keep secret from my family  saying she was sick.  She calmed down on the way home but the holiday left me exhausted.  I came back to a really big project at work and said I needed for her to be calmer while I was doing the project and she totally pulled away.  After a couple days of the cold shoulder I said I wanted to know what was going on.  She blew up again and I took the dog and went to sleep at a friends. 
   I'm now house sitting for a friend.  It's been nearly a month since we separated.  We  have been seeing a couple's counselor.  Meanwhile, her father has been ill and he's taken a turn for the worse.  I tried to be comforting to her but it's very hard.  I think her father is going to pass away.  I certain this relationship is over.  Yet I would feel horrible leaving her when she's about to lose her father.  But, she berates me even when I try to help.  I don't know what to do.

[gotbushels]

Hi radio1   and welcome.

Will you please share more about which parts of the BPD in the partner you're finding you're focusing more on?

Yes being subject to demands and complaints can be difficult as you had gotten closer to this person. It can be quite disconcerting. Sometimes the involvement of therapists and medication for depression doesn't help the person with pwBPD or their partners. BPD often requires specific treatment and a management distinct from depression for the person to be able to handle the traits.

What was the cold shoulder argument about?

It's alright to feel confused about an obligation you feel toward her, especially with her unwell father.

I hope you'll share more.

[radio1]

Thanks for responding.  She was giving me the cold shoulder because I said that while I was working on this project at work I didn't want a lot of intense emotional drama.  She took that to mean that I didn't want intimacy.  So, stopped kissing me, holding my hand, hugging me at night.  After a few days when I finally asked why she was doing this she exploded saying you asked for it. and Oh you finally noticed.  And we argued.  That's when I left.  After the hell of our Mexican vacation I could take it any more. 

We have been living separately for the last month.  But, going to therapy and we were supposed to have a date this weekend.  But, last night she left to head home because things weren't going well with her father.  She wouldn't give me any details and left without seeing me despite my desire to be helpful.  I texted her to make sure she had arrived safely and I heard nothing.  Finally, I texted her somewhat upset saying I can feel you are angry with me but please let me know you are OK.  She finally texted a brief angry message saying that  "I'm not punishing you.  All things are not about you." And then saying that her father had passed away in his sleep and she had missed him by a few hours.  I sent a message saying I could be there and I loved her and I was sorry and so forth. 

Despite what she says this is about her anger at me.  She feels that I never do enough for her.  No matter what I do  - pay for an entire vacation, take her to Berlin for her birthday, cook for  her -- none of it every seems to be enough.

I still do love her.  I wish there was a way to make our relationship work.  But, I really don't think she will be able to come to terms with what ails her. 
Currently, she is seeing a psychoanalyst.  I think that's a waste of time for her.  Finally, she started doing some DBT.  But, now that she's dealing with her father's passing 

We had a text exchange today which was terrible.  She accused me of not being by her side.  I'm not there because when I asked her what was going on before she left  she wouldn't tell me what shape  her father was in.  She refused to have a conversation.  It's like she sets me up to fail. 

Finally, we spoke on the phone and she calmed down and said she hadn't been sleeping and they were trying a new drug with her "Lithium".  I don't know why. 

I'm going to go up and go to the funeral even though it's a long trip.  It feels like the right thing to do. 

[bus boy]

Welcome to BPD family. I'm sure you will find these boards very helpful. Everyone here knows your pain, you are not alone. I was tore apart emotionally when I first came here and the good people shared and helped me through the pain.
  You said you got into s text exchange with your partner, I would strongly suggest keeping all conversation to short, to the point texts, no verbal, with texting or email you have a written record and if your ex is anything like mine, a verbal conversation will end up being twisted and misinterpreted and try not to get into texting where you are explaining or defending your self. I get what you are going through and it will not be easy at first but I assure you it will be well worth it in the end. My T told my we can't go around the pain we must go through it.
  In reading your post, your partner did some of the things my Xw did, always accuse me of not being there, demanding in an unrealistic way and twisting and misinterpreting what I would say. keep posting.

[Fishmedic]

Radio1
 
I can sympathize with what you are going though. My uBPDexgf and I were together for 6yrs, jumped ship to another new relationship aroubd Mothers Day, still not contact. We never lived together, thankfully, but her Mother passed away 3yrs into our relationship. She had more than enough red flags prior to, eating disorder, substance abuse, high drama etc, but after her Mom passed away, things really escalated. I was also at a crossroads, trying to end things with her, when her mom took her final turn for the worse. I couldn't bring myself to do it, so i made the decision to wait. I don't know what the right decision was, but i know carrying her to her own mothers funeral, dressing/bathing her prior to as she was so incapacitated, and experiencing the grief from the entire family creates a pretty solid attachment thats hard to break. She's in paradise with her new soulmate, for the time being, and i'm still picking up the pieces, and i find that whole situation to be hardest to come to grips with. Not having her in my life anymore after such a traumatic experience. It's tough, but i know thats my codependancy flaring up, and those are my own issues to work through. 
 
Also, like i was eluding too, her disorder got much worse after losing her mother. Physical violence, which there was really none of before, became quite common. I actually had to have her charged the followIng Christmas after she lost her mom, as her angry outbursts starting coming with smacks and punches to the face, even while i was driving. 
 
Sorry you're going through this. But definitely something to consider

[radio1]

I've made up my mind that our relationship is over.  But, I conferred with several friends about going to the funeral and they all thought it was the right move.  I don't think that her BPD is as severe as some in certain ways -- she doesn't have the substance abuse issue.  But, she has ridiculous temper tantrums, is crazy paranoid, and on occasion she disassociates from reality. 

What I am dreading now is the break up which will happen in the coming weeks.  I fear she is going to accuse me of all kinds of things.  Unfortunately, we own a house together and a dog. 

Any advice on how to break up from a BPD?

[Lucky Jim]

Hey radio1, Welcome!  Your quandary is a familiar one.  The behavior you describe seems quite consistent w/BPD.  Why do we stay in these BPD relationships so long?  I was married to my BPDxW for 16 years.  I doubt there is a good way to break up with a pwBPD; you just have to do it and be prepared for Drama, F-O-G and recycling attempts.  Many of us have been through it before you so feel free to ask any particular questions. 

LuckyJim

[radio1]

thanks to all for the replies.  We have a couple's counselor and I just told her in an email that I thought my partner had BPD.  She didn't affirm or deny it.  But, said she could see how my partner was wanting something emotional from me and that I had been distant in sessions.  However, she now understood why.  She promised to try and protect me in the next session so that I felt comfortable speaking. 
I'm still nervous.  My partner ends up twisting everything I say.  I'm just hoping this counselor knows what she's doing.

[gotbushels]

So how did it go radio1?