She messaged me about our interactions at work

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

I could sure use some feedback. This feels like a test to see if I have learned anything. First off, I have to admit that though I respect and believe in Skip's advice to keep it light and friendly at work, I've had a hard time talking to my ex and have mostly just tried to avoid eye contact with her. We don't really work together, we just overlap for about 5 minutes when she comes in and I am about to go a few days a week. I'm really not trying to be rude or hurtful to her, I just have a hard time handling the interactions emotionally.

I got a text message from her today which basically said that the tension between us is uncomfortable and if I wanted to meet up to discuss what's up with her let her know.

On one hand, this seems like an opportunity to clear the air, but I can't picture a meet-up going well, and I am reluctant to be open with her because of the way I felt invalidated by her so often while we were together. She also mentioned opening up a friendship, which has been kind of a back and forth topic, the last time it came up being how she doesn't want to see people she slept with. I would like to be friends with her I think, but feel so defeated about it. It feels like my responsibility here to uphold the boundary of us not spending personal time together, because of these very tensions that do exist.

So my thought is to reply and apologize that things are tense, and to say that I will make more of an effort to lighten things up, which sounds like a good goal anyhow.

Any thoughts? Have I learned anything at all? 

[vanx]

I could sure use some feedback. This feels like a test to see if I have learned anything. First off, I have to admit that though I respect and believe in Skip's advice to keep it light and friendly at work, I've had a hard time talking to my ex and have mostly just tried to avoid eye contact with her. We don't really work together, we just overlap for about 5 minutes when she comes in and I am about to go a few days a week. I'm really not trying to be rude or hurtful to her, I just have a hard time handling the interactions emotionally.

I got a text message from her today which basically said that the tension between us is uncomfortable and if I wanted to meet up to discuss what's up with her let her know.

On one hand, this seems like an opportunity to clear the air, but I can't picture a meet-up going well, and I am reluctant to be open with her because of the way I felt invalidated by her so often while we were together. She also mentioned opening up a friendship, which has been kind of a back and forth topic, the last time it came up being how she doesn't want to see people she slept with. I would like to be friends with her I think, but feel so defeated about it. It feels like my responsibility here to uphold the boundary of us not spending personal time together, because of these very tensions that do exist.

So my thought is to reply and apologize that things are tense, and to say that I will make more of an effort to lighten things up, which sounds like a good goal anyhow.

Any thoughts? Have I learned anything at all? 

[Harley Quinn]

Hi vanx,

On one hand, this seems like an opportunity to clear the air, but I can't picture a meet-up going well, and I am reluctant to be open with her because of the way I felt invalidated by her so often while we were together. She also mentioned opening up a friendship, which has been kind of a back and forth topic, the last time it came up being how she doesn't want to see people she slept with. I would like to be friends with her I think, but feel so defeated about it. It feels like my responsibility here to uphold the boundary of us not spending personal time together, because of these very tensions that do exist.

So my thought is to reply and apologize that things are tense, and to say that I will make more of an effort to lighten things up, which sounds like a good goal anyhow.

I'd say that your thought is a good one if it feels right with you and you can be comfortable with it?  For 5 minutes a few days a week to be relaxed and light about things could actually be a way into a friendship in time if you can both uphold that.  I'd tend to keep it impersonal, so perhaps only work related?  Without getting too involved or talking about what is happening in your life.  This will mean you're less vulnerable to the invalidation you speak of.  That way you can also have a boundary in place and see how she responds. 

In my opinion I'd leave out the apology and instead state that you have been feeling uncomfortable too, so you're not taking sole responsibility for how things have been.  Start as you mean to go on.

Love and light x

[Mutt]

Hi vanx

I've had a hard time talking to my ex and have mostly just tried to avoid eye contact with her. We don't really work together, we just overlap for about 5 minutes when she comes in and I am about to go a few days a week. I'm really not trying to be rude or hurtful to her, I just have a hard time handling the interactions emotionally.

There's probably a good reason why that it's uncomfortable for you to look at her. I think that you need more time you, you can always revisit your idea of being friends with her once that you've put her behind you.

I moved yesterday and I got the kids from daycare to show them their new place, they were excited, I gave their mom my new address and she came to pick them up, it was switch on / switch off day. Kids want to be able to show the parent their other home, I told the kids to get mom and give her a tour. She was in the same house as me, that hasn't happened for four years, I didn't feel anxiety, anger, etc because I processed everything and she's behind me. The kids were happy to show them dad's new place.

While we're on the subject of processing, I'll share something with you that another moderator shared with me, when you feel anxious around your ex, take the time and process the emotion the use mindfulness to recenter your thoughts, eventually it conditions you when you're around your ex, you won't feel those anxious feelings, there was a time when I felt like my knees were vibrating and they where going to give out when I was around my ex after the split.

I think you need more time behind you.

[vanx]

Thank you both for your feedback.

I felt I should reply before seeing her at work, so I already sent a message that basically validated the feeling of discomfort and I said I'd try to be more mindful, which I intend to do. I felt torn how to handle the possibility of meeting for coffee because I would really like to do that and think it could help potentially, but I am very nervous about the idea and don't feel comfortable being fully honest with her about how some of her behavior hurts my feelings. While we were together, I felt invalidated by her when I brought up feeling hurt--she would say it was all in my head. Anyhow, I said that coffee could be nice--let's check in later, to buy some time to think. I feel decently pleased with my message.

For 5 minutes a few days a week to be relaxed and light about things could actually be a way into a friendship in time if you can both uphold that.

That puts things into good perspective. I do want to pave the way for a friendship. I still have some resentments, but feel I have nothing to lose by validating myself about them and being kind and compassionate. I understand that she may be unable to validate my emotions herself. Oh, by the way, Harley Quinn, we must have been psychically linked because I did not end up apologizing!

There's probably a good reason why that it's uncomfortable for you to look at her. I think that you need more time you, you can always revisit your idea of being friends with her once that you've put her behind you.

I like reading about your experience with your kids--made me smile . I appreciate your perspective about this... .I guess I should listen to my emotions. I don't want to lose her as a friend, so I feel some pressure to make the right moves, but maybe the best thing to do for a potential friendship is be honest with myself. Still, I think I can combine your feedback with Harley's and try to set the very small goal to simply keep things light for a few minutes at work, but exercise a lot of caution going beyond that right now.

Thanks!

[livednlearned]

Is it possible, too, that she senses you are moving on?

The distance might feel like a loss to her, so she reaches out.

You feel reeled back in and the hint of intimacy is too heady, so you make yourself vulnerable. Sensing your vulnerability, she closes it down.

I'm not familiar with your back story so this might be way off. It's a dynamic that took me decades to figure out because: slow learner 

Now that it's clear to me, it's much easier to manage.

I hope you'll gain some clarity, too, whatever may happen with her. Sometimes, just seeing the patterns can be helpful to healing.

[vanx]

livedlearned,

Thank you for sharing this insight. It's hard to say, but I'm sure this is worth considering! Hahaha I am a slow learner too, so I do appreciate the wisdom and help. Yes, you could be right here--it's a good point. I appreciate your wishes for clarity. Actually, I have found some inner strength on the matter for the first time in a long time. In part, I am comforted that she does care I think, and the sense that we are both doing the best we can. I feel peace that things will be okay and reminded that I must focus on myself. Anyhow, I truly thank you!

[vanx]

Things have still been pretty tough at work. I feel upset and shut down when I see her. I am tempted to take her up on meeting for coffee because the tension is getting to me and in some ways maybe meeting to chat could clear the air. My goal in the meetup would be to break some of the ice. Why can't I just up and do that when we interact? I guess I want some communication first to feel comfortable/feel like she cares/see where she's coming from in general. Is this a mistake/symptom of my addiction? Are these ineffective reasons to try the meetup, prepared that my needs/hopes might not be met?
Apologies for drawing this out but I've been struggling and was curious if anyone had any input or has been in a similar situation. The advice I've already received has been great, but there is a shift in my resolve over the situation. Thanks!

[Harley Quinn]

Hi vanx

Don't apologise for posting!  That's what we're all here doing   

What is the shift in resolve surrounding?  Can you give us an idea of how the interactions play out?

My goal in the meetup would be to break some of the ice. Why can't I just up and do that when we interact? I guess I want some communication first to feel comfortable/feel like she cares/see where she's coming from in general. Is this a mistake/symptom of my addiction? Are these ineffective reasons to try the meetup, prepared that my needs/hopes might not be met?

Have you thought through the possible scenarios if you meet up and how each of these would affect you?  What would you ideally be hoping for?

Love and light x

[vanx]

Hi vanx

Don't apologise for posting!  That's what we're all here doing   

Thanks, Harley. I appreciate your structured questions--helping me with my thoughts. I'll answer them best I can here.

What is the shift in resolve surrounding?  Can you give us an idea of how the interactions play out?

I think I am starting to crack as far as the discomfort I feel when we cross paths. Now that she has brought it up, I feel worse knowing that it affects her--just more attention is drawn to the fact and I feel I want to address it. I wonder if perhaps accepting her offer to meet could help ameliorate things. I do appreciate her opening up the lines of communication.
On a differently level, I'm sure it is probably a longing to be connected with her still and strong anxiety/difficulty controlling my impulses to reach out.
The interactions are usually a quick "hey" or I don't make eye contact/acknowledge her, and either way the tension is mutual and thick. I guess I thought meeting could break down an initial barrier and perhaps our interactions would improve to being something like friendly work banter.

Have you thought through the possible scenarios if you meet up and how each of these would affect you?  What would you ideally be hoping for?

Yes, I could see things going poorly, the worst scenario, both of us still being shut down/edgy and me feeling worse afterwards, like I made the same mistake of not recognizing my own needs first.

The best scenario would be we could have a cordial conversation. We could talk a bit about our issue or not talk about that and just have a pleasant time. Perhaps at least a little of the uncomfortable tension at work could be eased.

An average scenario would be okay I think if I could at least walk away from it with the attitude that we both tried at least and that is a positive step.

I guess if I were to search for my needs in the matter, one of the main things is to feel comfortable at work at this point. I want to keep the job, and I tried to play it off for a while, but the tension does affect me. Even though I think she still has her guard up big time, I appreciate that she offered a possible solution to the issue, and I think we both have an objective to make things better.

Whew, ok thanks again for asking these questions. Answering them has been helpful!

[Harley Quinn]

Any time    It sound as if the main thing is being clear with yourself (and her) that this meeting is to improve things at work for the sake of both of you being comfortable at work.  Nothing more.  Do you think you can maintain that boundary from your side?

Love and light x

[vanx]

This helps. I can try to maintain things on my end and be clear about my objective. I think I can do it and even if it is a struggle it would be worth the potential to improve things. Thanks for your input!

[LastSamurai]

I got a text message from her today which basically said that the tension between us is uncomfortable and if I wanted to meet up to discuss what's up with her let her know.

Any thoughts? Have I learned anything at all? 

vanx, don't reply to the text. It's over between you two. There's no reason for her to be contacting you. If she wants to discuss BUSINESS, then let her discuss business at the job only w/ reliable witnesses around. Any tension that she feels is on her. Any feeling of being uncomfortable is on her. That's not your problem. You're in control now. Don't worry about her. Work on YOU. Her feelings are none of your concern. It's about vanx. Not her. I repeat DO NOT REPLY to her text.

[vanx]

LastSamurai,

I can appreciate what you are saying. I guess my resolve kind of crumbled because the truth is our interactions do bother me a lot. I would rather stay pleasant with each other if we could.

But yeah part of it is my remaining attachment to her, which is bad, and I agree with what you're saying. I think it is a weakness in me that made it hard not to reply--I did agree to a meetup. I think it doesn't mean I have to give away all of my power, but yeah it could be bad for me. We shall see.

Thanks for the encouragement though. Regardless, I will still focus on myself!