DBT surfacing the past - I reacted

[ortac77]

Hi everyone

Just an update and interested to hear of others experience?

My pwBPD has been engaged in DBT for about 5 months, coupled with medication this had led to a slow but noticeable improvement in his moods although he was still remaining socially isolated and rarely leaving the house coupled with ongoing sleep problems (basically nocturnal).

A few weeks ago was the anniversary of his mum's passing, he was a child at the time. I knew he was in a poor emotional place and did my best to reassure him that feelings of sadness/grief were normal on these occasions - unfortunately this mood did not pass and for weeks I had been largely ignored or only talked to in 'soundbites'.

The other day I got the old anger from him, it was all my fault for making him do DBT, that he was not going to be told what to do, it was his therapist and Dr's fault for being useless and never understanding him! I tried talking calmly and that the DBT was his choice and he had been advised that it might surface difficult feelings. Got nowhere despite my best attempts at SET and validation of his feelings.

Fast forward 24 hours and I finally lost it, the part of me that has worked so hard at stopping care taking him exploded and I 'told it like it is' - I accept that of course was from my perspective. After all us 'non's' carry a terrible burden and despite my rebuilding my social life and interests it is in my own home that I should feel most content and comfortable. The words were not said kindly, it was like a volcano had erupted, subsequently I realised that in supporting his therapy I had been holding back my own feelings and emotions around this r/s.

I think this strength of my own feelings had been triggered having spent a few days with some old friends and seeing their relationship, I think at some subconscious level my thoughts were triggered by a sense of 'thats how it should be/ thats what I want'?

Anyway perhaps my out burst did some good, yesterday we talked and calmly, my pwBPD perhaps for the first time talked in depth and coherently about how after his mum's death he felt rejected by his family, how his father never listened to him or showed affection, how his sexuality had been shunned as he grew up. I saw a young boy desperate for affection from his parent and family rather that the middle aged man I was talking to.He seemed to have an understanding that this emotional need from the past was affecting our r/s - that he was looking to me to meet those unmet needs from childhood and whilst at one level that could not happen he could not stop feeling the pain and unwittingly kept trying to get needs met that I could not supply.

This is actually a breakthrough, what I could see but never really talk about, was how he was trying to resolve the past in the present, he actually saw and expressed how his past was preventing him living in the present and how in doing so he was wrecking any chance of happiness.

It felt like we had 'lanced a boil', instead of talking to his DBT therapist about it he had done what is classic, run away from his feelings, tried to shut down, then effectively taken it out on me. As DBT is about the 'paradox' of moulding the needs for acceptance and change, he was struggling with that paradox.

We were then able to work ahead on his plan for how he might resolve this, he is contacting his therapist explaining what has happened, re-starting his DBT after a short break - he is actually going away for 4 days tomorrow to try and clear his thoughts - whilst at one level I have a few concerns about this on the other it will certainly be good for him to get out of his self imposed physical isolation, so we will see.

For my part - I have explained that I do understand how painful thoughts surface during therapy ( I have therapy myself to support my understanding of living with this illness), that I am here to support him and that therapy will help but it is a long process and relies on having trust with his therapist.

This is a long and painful journey, I hate it when I do lose my perspective but on this occasion I think it has at least for now cleared the air and provided for some forward movement

ATB

Ortac

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