She said she won't ever take me back.

[Edenalterego]

I believe in that. And I dont know what it is but I do want her back.

I think my BPDex is absolutely the type to never go back.

She has made it very, very clear that "it's over." she said "I  dont love you anymore". That she "doesnt see herself with me in the future," so shes "not gonna waste her time". She said that she realized that I have a lot of emotional issues that I need to take care of and I need to work on my self and my own life.

I think that's true to an extent. And I am hurting because she has left me and said she "doesn't love me and that's the truth". "We are never getting back together."

At first I thought she simply splitted me black. Now I think we are really not getting back together.

She said to stop trying to convince her because I will only hurt myself.

Does this sound like a "split black" or ultimatum?

I dont know how to cope with it when I see her 4 days a week at work with close contact. Grey rock isnt working because I still love her. She told me she doesn't love me anymore and that hurts. She said she won't risk losing her only friend because of me.

I thought I was over her. I want to be over her in a snap of finger but it's been a month and it's getting worse...

Is there any way to tell if this is splitting.

[Mutt]

Hi Edenalterego,

I definitely think that it's black and white thinking. You said that you have a hard time detaching, are you talking to her or did you step back and give her space?

[Edenalterego]

Hi Edenalterego,

I definitely think that it's black and white thinking. You said that you have a hard time detaching, are you talking to her or did you step back and give her space?

Thanks Mutt,

We would have contact at work, and while we were at work we only talk about work stuff, and even then we try to avoid each other.

At work she would be covertly rude towards me, and many other coworkers can see that as well. She seems cold and irritated when she works with me, and occasionally she would text me telling me all the things I can't do right at work. She ceased to contact me in any other way since we deleted each other from social media. We don't communicate other than her texting me about my flaws and wrongdoings at work, of how I couldve done better and not be stupid. I want to give her space. I intend to do so since today on. I have already asked her to get back but each time I ask her she gives me different reasons and stress the point that "it's over" and she's "not going to change her mind" and she couldn't be wrong because she's "always right".

(quotation marks means in her own words)

In the mean time I am bettering myself, and educating myself about BPD relationships, trying to get by. But I am still wishing and hoping she would come back. Some days I will do great and other times I crash. I just don't know why she would already think about 5 years later and apparently dont see me in the picture, according to her. She has a very close BPD friend who she crushes on, so she isn't lonely and loneliness wont pull her back to me.

I don't know what went wrong and for those of who have experiences with BPD relationships, does this sound like splitting or an ultimatum? Does a recycling sound probable here? I feel like she's not going to come back

[Harley Quinn]

Hi Eden,

We don't communicate other than her texting me about my flaws and wrongdoings at work, of how I couldve done better and not be stupid.

I'm sorry that you're hurting and feeling at a loss.  Two things strike me from your post.  Firstly, it doesn't sound like she is being very nice to you.  At all.  Yet you seem determined to have her back in your life.  Why is that right now despite her behaviour and some pretty direct rejection of your efforts to get her back?  Ask yourself this - if someone else spoke to you in the way you describe above, how would you deal with it and feel towards that person? 

It seems to me that your attempts to rekindle are making her resolute to deny any possibility of that ever happening.  Stick to your plan to give her space and see if anything changes.  I'd suggest actually taking some time out for yourself though, rather than waiting hopefully for a sign.  Becoming invested in your own life and well being, whilst giving no indication of any interest in pursuing her could make her happy that you're respecting her wishes and she will continue on her own course whilst stopping the disrespectful remarks in work, or it might strike a curiosity in her when you appear detached and unaffected by her.  Either outcome on her part needs be inconsequential.  The main aim is to give yourself space to come to terms with things as they are, cope with your feelings and work through the process so that you can come out of the other side stronger and wiser. 

This pain you feel doesn't go anywhere until you allow it to.  I know it's hard.  I think that I was trying to fight for the relationship whilst in it rather than accept the pain that had built up around the fact that it had run it's course.  It gave me a focus and a goal and allowed me to deny how utterly destroyed I was because I was going to fix it and everything would be OK.  Sound familiar at all?  There will be time enough to decide on next steps, if any, regards your ex when you are healed from your existing wound.  Be kind to yourself and let yourself begin that healing.

Love and light x

[Edenalterego]

Hi Eden,

I'm sorry that you're hurting and feeling at a loss.  Two things strike me from your post.  Firstly, it doesn't sound like she is being very nice to you.  At all.  Yet you seem determined to have her back in your life.  Why is that right now despite her behaviour and some pretty direct rejection of your efforts to get her back?  Ask yourself this - if someone else spoke to you in the way you describe above, how would you deal with it and feel towards that person? 

Often times I ask myself the same question too, on an intellectual level I understand that I should not have any interest in her at all. I can't seem to pinpoint the exact reason. I can say that I don't like her as a person, her behaviors and beliefs and the way of thinking of relationships and values. However, the strong attachment is undeniable. I wanted to detach, I tried detaching, I failed each time. Somehow my brain decided to feel a strong desire for her as if she's my heroine. I am addicted to her, and it is very unhealthy. I must admit I didn't give the relationship my fullest. She emotionally abused me by withholding affection, apparent triangulation, and displaying strong cognitive distortion (say one thing does opposite). But when I think about her, I feel bad for her? It's like I want to make all her pain go away, I want to make her happy. Not necessarily "fix her". I realized just today that I saw her smile at work about something and I crave to see her smile. I feel happy. But her meanness towards me, that hate, it hurts me to no end. She thinks I am not good enough for her? Just yesterday she told me if I ever hit on her friend again she would "end me", I proceed to ask her why in which she replied "because you are a ___ing player".

Of course afterwards she texted me saying "I don't know why you were upset, you crossed a line so I said what I said".

Just today she continued her regular passive aggressively rudeness towards me. At one point I snapped back, and she gave me a  dead look, like she doesn't give a ___ of what I said and it's like that psychological look of "I want to kill you". It was scary to see  on her face and that makes me despise her. I don't know how I can continue to love someone who attack me like that, someone that sees me as an enemy and all. I know the whole childhood trauma and abusive relationship addictions but knowing them doesn't really help me learn how to cope and detach successfully. NC is the way to go, but with her working with me, grey rock would not work.

I digress. You see I have mixed emotions about wanting her back and not. Part of me wants her back and part of me doesn't. I don't know what to do. I do want her back and "fix the relationship", I want another chance at BPD relationship. This is why I am asking whether it is really over or if it sounds like splitting.

Thank you for replying Harley, I appreciate all insights.