Introduction

[HopefulMom31]

Hello,
I am joining this group for support and advice from others who know and understand where I'm coming from. Although my daughter has not been clinically diagnosed with a personality disorder, I am pretty sure that is what is going on. There is a strong family history and environmental contribution as well. She was diagnosed as bipolar a couple years ago after a bad reaction to antidepressants, but the more I research about personality disorders, it describes her behaviors almost precisely (particularly histrionic). I love her so much and want to do whatever I can to help her lead a happy, healthy, and successful life, but she doesn't want a relationship with me right now. I am trying my best to not take it personally but it still hurts. I'm trying my best to avoid enabling the behaviors, but she knows just what to do or say to make me hurt and worry. I understand that she is not doing intentionally and don't think she's aware of how much it hurts. I try to just listen and validate her feelings but it's really hard to shut my 'mom' mode off. It's really hard to see her struggle in her relationships and not give her some kind of advice. As a mom you just want to make it all better! She is nineteen so it's pretty much out of my hands, but I don't want to give up on her nor do I want to just step out of her life. The hardest part is she doesn't believe she has any mental health issues, she thinks the meds were the problem. But her first mental break down was before she started taking meds, also she stopped taking them about a year ago and just recently had another attack. So needless to say, I'm worried now more than ever. Any suggestions?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Huat]

Hello HopefulMom31... .and welcome:

If we didn't love them so much... .it wouldn't hurt so much... .but we do... .and it does!

Our daughter (who is now 51) started running away when she was 12.  Then when she got too old to do that... .she would have episodes where she cut us out of her life.  Later on when she had her children, we would be cut out of their lives, too.

Of course, all of this happens because they are looking for a strong reaction from us... .proof that they are hitting their mark.  As I'm sure you know, it is hard not to react.  We are Moms and it is in our DNA to help/protect our children... .and we want to be their heros. 

Your write that your daughter is 19 and she has let you know she doesn't want a relationship with you... .right now.  You have to respect that boundary.  That is not to say you couldn't keep a thread of communication going... .an e-mail... .a card... .short/sweet... .with maybe just... ."I love you.  Signed:  Mom." 

My heart goes out to you, HopefulMom31.  I really do know your pain.  I look back over the years and I wish I had not reacted with such intensity because I added fuel to her fire. 

There is much information out there now on how to deal with BPD, information that wasn't available in the early years for me.   There was not even a label I could attach to her behaviour.  I was floored when I took one counsellor's advice and read, "I Hate You, Don't Leave Me."  I cried as I read!  The book had been written about my daughter!  My feelings were validated!

Gotta tell you, a forum like this would have been a godsend, too, for me... .just knowing there were others out there experiencing similar problems.  Wow!

So... .hopefully you will reap some benefits by participating on this forum.  Sadly, there isn't an immediate answer... .a quick fix.   On an airplane they tell you, if needed, you put the oxygen mask on yourself first... .then attend to your child.  That makes sense on the plane... .and it makes sense in real life, too.

Hugs to you, HopefulMom31!

[wendydarling]

Hi HopefulMom31

I join Haut in welcoming you to the community. While your daughter has stood back for now there are constructive steps you can take as Huat says for you and your family, continue your BPD education to better understand your daughter and practice the skills to the right of your screen and learn the lessons  it's the greatest gift

But her first mental break down was before she started taking meds, also she stopped taking them about a year ago and just recently had another attack.

What do you mean when you say 'first mental breakdown' and  'attack' what happened on these occasions? What behaviours are you dealing with?

Small gentle steps, forward 

WDx

[HopefulMom31]

Thanks to all for the sound advice. The information on this site has been already very helpful. It has given me reassurance and some new ideas on how to communicate with my daughter. It took a couple days but I reminded myself that I can't control my daughter's words or actions, just how I react. After thinking about it, our last conversation (between her and I) was actually a pretty big step. I did just listen to her, validated her feelings when I could get a word in, and was completely non defensive. In the moment though, I left the conversation feeling hurt, confused, and defeated because once again the blame was on me. That's why I went looking for a support group and so glad I found it!
WendyDarling,
In reference to the behaviors... .they are panic attacks so severe her whole body completely shuts down. The first one that I referred to as a mental break, she had just turned 16, was so severe and it seems when her mental illness emerged. It was like from that day on, she is a completely different person. She has even refered to it as her "rebirth." Before then she was very soft spoken and shy, didn't put too much into her personal appearance, and was very unselfish, doing things for others without expecting anything in return. Afterward she speaks very dramatically, very over emotional, obsessed with makeup and fashion, dresses provocatively, becomes clingy to people she just meets like they are best friends, and hardly ever acknowledges the feelings or needs of others (just to name her most prominent behaviors). The panic attacks or episodes are always towards the end of the year with the onset of the holidays and seem to coincide with break up of a relationship. She also has injured her foot every August for the past 4 years, but maybe just coincidence? She has always been kind of a hypochondriac though, even as a small child. I was always able to calm her fears while in our home, but since she has moved out she has made several trips to the doctor for various reasons.
She currently lives with my grandmother, in a small trailer she's made permanent  on her property. I'm glad she is in a safe place, but worried about the drama she might create for my grandmother. She has been there since May and things have appeared to be going pretty smooth, but after my visit the other day I am starting to see cracks. So I am trying to prepare in case she needs to move back in, by joining this forum and learning different ways to handle this emotional roller coaster. I would have to lay out reasonable expectations and make them very clear to her. The stress in the household the last time she was here was taking a toll on us all, particularly my 11 year old son. Especially since she would tell him things to try and get him "on her side." It took a few months to undo the damage, but now he is much happier, doing better in school, and less defiant.
I just try to take it a day at a time and not get ahead of myself (a hard thing for me because I tend to overthink things). I am hoping for the best but getting prepared just in case. That's why I'm am so glad I found this website! It helps so much to know I'm not alone! Thank you!
HopefulMom31