He got married to my replacement

[itgetsbetter94]

3 weeks ago, he got married to my replacement. I vomited when I saw the picture. He was wearing the tuxedo (and everything else) that he bought for our wedding and we made love while he was wearing it.

His closest friends, the ones who were warning me about his unfortunate condition, who even threw intervention on us, explaining us how we're doing big mistake, how he was in hospital for 6 months prior to our engagement, how he is still fragile and unwell... .were now smiling, by his side.
They look in that picture like some aristocracy.

He got married to a woman who is the 14 years older than him (he is 24, she 38) and who he had seen 2 times before their wedding, wedding being the third time.
First time was in 2015 when they met.
Second time in January this year when they got engaged.
And third time on their wedding.
He is from small south-west European country, she is from Russia, thousand of miles away. He doesn't know the russian language, he hasn't finished his schooling. ... His family was not at the wedding.

I feel so weak writing this. I need some encouragement and understanding. My psychiatrist can take me in next week, I have to wait till then.

[spero]

Hi there itgetsbetter94,

I'd like to just send greetings from the community   . 

I feel so weak writing this. I need some encouragement and understanding. My psychiatrist can take me in next week, I have to wait till then.

I'm so sorry for what you're going through right now. You know itgetsbetter94, let me just give you a   at this time.
There must be much you're processing emotionally. the pain and disgust is even affecting you on a physiological level.
I know probably nothing makes sense now and thinking about what just happened is causing you so much hurt and pain. 

We're here to listen, itgetsbetter94. In the mean time, feel free to write here ya?

Takeheart and takecare,
Spero.

[itgetsbetter94]

Thank you, Spero.

My psychiatrist was assured that he made that engagement up with that woman, that he was delusional.  She said "he will "get married" at least 100 times before he marries that lady". She was really sure that all of that was a fruit of his imagination.

I never thought, on the other hand, that he was that much delusional.  I knew that from the similar stories from this board. What seems insane, even for psychiatrists, is their lifestyle.

Yes, I feel both emotionally and physically ill. He looked word-by-word as he described he would on our wedding. And he often described how he would look- that was our favorite activity- imagining, planning and talking about our wedding. And now I saw that- exactly as he described.  Only with someone else.

[spero]

Hey there itgetsbetter94,

My psychiatrist was assured that he made that engagement up with that woman, that he was delusional.  She said "he will "get married" at least 100 times before he marries that lady". She was really sure that all of that was a fruit of his imagination.

I must say that i am in agreement with what your therapist has shared with you. It seems to me that such behaviours and decisions are made rather impulsively, and very much on how he "feels" at that moment in time. There seems to be a "fairy tale" narrative running in his head, wanting something to go exactly the way he planned it and exactly the way he "wants" it, which may also perhaps be a very covert "control" behaviour.

Yes, I feel both emotionally and physically ill. He looked word-by-word as he described he would on our wedding. And he often described how he would look- that was our favorite activity- imagining, planning and talking about our wedding. And now I saw that- exactly as he described.  Only with someone else.

I'm sorry that you have to go through this very hurtful and terrible experience, and i surely don't know why his friends are behaving differently contrary to the warnings that they've given you. But as a member of this community, itgetsbetter94, i would be more concerned about how you are doing and feeling right now. Things must really be raw, and you must still be in that whirlwind of emotions... anger, pain, feeling betrayed, confused... .I hope that you'll indeed find safe habour here.

Takeheart and takecare,
Spero.

[itgetsbetter94]

Thank you for your kindness... .emotions indeed are very raw and very very VERY painful.

Everybody under the Sun keeps reassuring me that I "dodget the bullet". He is comorbid (diagnosed) BPD/NPD btw. BPD is his primal disorder, but he also has very strong NPD traits as well. He can charm and seduce literally everyone and everything- married women, academics, priests, professors, cashiers, grannies, random people- you name it- either romantically or professionally or intellectually.
With my head I know that I dodged even greater misfortune, but my heart is in Dante's 9th circle of hell right now. I never though I could sink this low. This is probably my lowest ever.

I keep hearing and thinking how "ill he is"... .This may sound like a pure envy, probably it is- but I keep thinking- "Lord, give me 2% of his "magical illness" so that my love life, academic status, social life and life otherwise improves for the better"! He "oh so very ill" is living the life to the fullest, getting married in Moscow, surrounded by his friends, with smile from ear to ear, and I am here... .drowned in my misery, loneliness and sadness. I am LIVING the illness that he supposedly have and he is having the time of his life.

[spero]

Hmm... .itgetsbetter94

Everybody under the Sun keeps reassuring me that I "dodget the bullet". He is comorbid (diagnosed) BPD/NPD btw. BPD is his primal disorder, but he also has very strong NPD traits as well. He can charm and seduce literally everyone and everything- married women, academics, priests, professors, cashiers, grannies, random people- you name it- either romantically or professionally or intellectually.

You know itgetsbetter94... .it is probably difficult to actually process "truth" for what it is at this point in time. I suppose there is actually a hierachy of needs to be met before one can face the truth... .There will be it's time and place down the road where someone repeats the above quote and it will make better sense. Let's say you are dying of thrist... .like literally and this person has a jug of water. But before he gives you the jug of water, he tells you how fortunate it is for you that he is here, tells you that you've should have been more careful to avoid putting yourself in such a precarious situation... and you'll like screaming... ."just give me the darn water already". I think you probably get it, but right now you just need your thirst to be quenched... and right now your heart just needs some tending to... ya?

I keep hearing and thinking how "ill he is"... .This may sound like a pure envy, probably it is- but I keep thinking- "Lord, give me 2% of his "magical illness" so that my love life, academic status, social life and life otherwise improves for the better"! He "oh so very ill" is living the life to the fullest, getting married in Moscow, surrounded by his friends, with smile from ear to ear, and I am here... .drowned in my misery, loneliness and sadness. I am LIVING the illness that he supposedly have and he is having the time of his life.

Hey itgetsbetter94, i just wanna say, you're not alone, you're not left behind. He ain't got the better deal in life. I know it hurts so much to feel that happiness has left you, and like love is no more. Detaching is never easy, coming to terms for what it is now as well, is a struggle... a very honest struggle. And sometimes, how we feel right now is perhaps a heart-cry of that deep inner need and void which we've unfortunately placed on such people... .hoping that they would fill it up, that we would be complete with this person. That, I suppose will have its proper time and place to think about, and its perhaps something down the line for you to work on with your T, but i'd suppose at this moment now, we're here to just listen and be a sounding board ya?

Takeheart and takecare,
Spero

[itgetsbetter94]

My therapist is great and always hears me out and gives good advice, but she is very pragmatic and realistic- to her situation is bright as a day- "I'm lucky it wasn't me who got married to him", "he would have made my life a living hell as he did to everyone else and will continue to do so with everyone on his path". To her, situation is easy and simple. In a nutshell, no matter how much I cry or hurt now, it's still better than the pain I would experience marrying him and havinv children with him.

I'm even slightly embarrassed to go to her about this issue (him getting married). I fear she will judge me for not being over it by now. Maybe not that harsy and for that specific reason, but I think she thinks I came to terms with his illness for what it is and understanding it completely, and therefore being able to detach myself and not being so hurt if I heard those news... .

I know everything there is to know about BPD, NPD and comorbidity. There isn't an article on the Internet on that subject that I haven't read, multiple times. Not a yt video I haven't seen etc.

I UNDERSTAND that condition and what it comes with.
But I still feel the PAIN.

[zachira]

You say you feel the pain from your ex marrying your replacement. Please know in your heart that there is no such thing as a replacement, as we are all unique and wonderful in are own way, and nobody can replace us no matter what the situation whether it is marriage or death.
What may be hurting the most, is that he did not really appreciate how you are a unique and special human being as we all are, and that he choose to marry a woman he doesn't even really know. It sounds like he just needs a relationship and will take what he can get. Take time to heal your pain and know that we are here to support you in your journey, so post anytime as we are here to listen with compassion and have your back.

[itgetsbetter94]

He really didn't know me either when he wanted to marry me... .he bought a ring in a matter of days. Then, when I went NC, he got engaged in a matter of weeks. It's this giant urge in him to get married even though he is just 24 (23 when I met him). Everything must be done NOW, to  the extreme, full speed ahead, at maximum intensity!
He was sharing on fb that he would be marrying in July this year, but he obviously couldn't wait and decided to do it in May.
He was pushing wedding with me as well, the sooner the better.

Should I take as a given that he will eventually disregulate with her?
I can't believe that she got the fixed/cured version on him... .

I know my healing depends on me letting go and not knowing whether they're miserable or blissfully happy... .but I do care.
I need to know he will eventually decompensate, that he will do to her the same thing that he did to me, that he made a mistake... .I need some sort of justice, when I didn't have a chance for closure.

[itgetsbetter94]

I just can't believe what my life has become... .
My mother warned me about this when I left my fiance for the BPD one- she said "he will leave you and your fiance won't take you back!". Without even knowing the new BPD guy. From her mouth, that was the absolute horror, worst case scenario.

But in reality, it ended infinitely worse than her worst prognosis.  My fiance and whole his family despise me, he found a new girlfriend in a matter of months and probably will marry her soon and BPD guy left me for some woman, 14 years older than him who he sae once in his liftime and married her.

This is absolutely my private 9th circle, no doubt.
While everyone else carried on with their lives, I am traumatised for life.
I was worrying for months now that this has become my life story now. The story that will mark my life and haunt me till I die. I cannot... .I cannot live with that.

I have so many previous traumas... .I was raped, forced to have an abortion, been abandoned mercilessly when I was at the bottom... .and now this... .this!

I just can't live with this. This is too much of a damage to carry on. I literally see no point in carrying on and living anymore... .from one tragedy to the next... .from one bloody heart break to the next... .from one masacre of my body and my soul to the next... .I'm left without any dignity, self respect, self love and any hope for the future. I cannot stand this life. If I die tonight in my sleep, that would make me the happiest. Please Lord, hear my words, take me! I give you my full consent. I don't want to live anymore. It's even deeper than that- I can't live anymore. I'M ___ING BEGGING YOU- TAKE ME IN MY SLEEP. I'M BEGGING YOU!

[Struggler123]

I just can't believe what my life has become... .
My mother warned me about this when I left my fiance for the BPD one- she said "he will leave you and your fiance won't take you back!". Without even knowing the new BPD guy. From her mouth, that was the absolute horror, worst case scenario.

But in reality, it ended infinitely worse than her worst prognosis.  My fiance and whole his family despise me, he found a new girlfriend in a matter of months and probably will marry her soon and BPD guy left me for some woman, 14 years older than him who he sae once in his liftime and married her.

This is absolutely my private 9th circle, no doubt.
While everyone else carried on with their lives, I am traumatised for life.
I was worrying for months now that this has become my life story now. The story that will mark my life and haunt me till I die. I cannot... .I cannot live with that.

I have so many previous traumas... .I was raped, forced to have an abortion, been abandoned mercilessly when I was at the bottom... .and now this... .this!

I just can't live with this. This is too much of a damage to carry on. I literally see no point in carrying on and living anymore... .from one tragedy to the next... .from one bloody heart break to the next... .from one masacre of my body and my soul to the next... .I'm left without any dignity, self respect, self love and any hope for the future. I cannot stand this life. If I die tonight in my sleep, that would make me the happiest. Please Lord, hear my words, take me! I give you my full consent. I don't want to live anymore. It's even deeper than that- I can't live anymore. I'M ___ING BEGGING YOU- TAKE ME IN MY SLEEP. I'M BEGGING YOU!

I’m really sorry to hear everything you’re going through. I think that living is the most beautiful gift we as human beings can be given. The other most beautiful thing is love. Do you know why they say I love you? The love beings with I. I think that you need to love yourself, for all the perfection and imperfections. Mistakes are made so we can learn from them. I think one of the biggest mistakes you’re making is not accepting that life is giving you a second chance. You should make the most of what you can do with this. Just because your ex BPD got married does not in any way indicate that they are not dysregulated. Its all temporary, as hard as it is to accept it. You could have been with your ex, and theres a high posibilty you would have lost yourself. The way i like it to see it is like this, those thar are able to maintain a relationship with a BPD end up being caretakers, which is great for those that are able to, but its not for everyone. The problem is your only looking on the surface, but your not focusing on the negatives. There was a reason you went NC, it was your inner feeling that indicated that this is too much and I need to step back. Now imagine that feeling everyday of your life, imagine hsving to play detective figuring out what triggers set off your BPD. I think that the primary focus should be on you, and how you can love yourself to never let anyone treat you like that. Also, just to clear some myths, lets say hypothetically you were still with him, if this person can take such impuslive decisons what makes you think it would change now that a new person came in. Like I said the story stays the same, just with new characters. I think its time for you to write your own story. My ex got engaged to someone within 2 days as she says, she’s a good person, but like I said I can’t let her decisions influence the rest of my life. Everything happens for a reason, take it bit by bit. I’m sure you will find the right person for you, wish you the best!

[itgetsbetter94]

Thank you Struggler... .
This news just hit me so hard, about the wedding, I mean.
I know the impulsiveness and the speed of it is directly linked to his disorder. Still, I cannot escape the negative thinking and questions... ."Will she cure him, is she the right for him, are they happy, will he act normal around her, will they have a family?".
In the meanwhile I'm afraid that I'll stay alone for the rest of my life. My trust in men in ruined. I'm afraid I'll never be able to trust another human being and enter a loving relationship, let alone get married and have children. I indeed feel like Humpty Dumpty, broken in million peaces and not being able to make myself whole again.

[Struggler123]

Thank you Struggler... .
This news just hit me so hard, about the wedding, I mean.
I know the impulsiveness and the speed of it is directly linked to his disorder. Still, I cannot escape the negative thinking and questions... ."Will she cure him, is she the right for him, are they happy, will he act normal around her, will they have a family?".
In the meanwhile I'm afraid that I'll stay alone for the rest of my life. My trust in men in ruined. I'm afraid I'll never be able to trust another human being and enter a loving relationship, let alone get married and have children. I indeed feel like Humpty Dumpty, broken in million peaces and not being able to make myself whole again.

It takes time for it to sink in, but just know that you’re better off. Someone that be that impulsive can easily wound you without realizing it. At the moment, it may seem like your in a dark place but light will come at the end of the tunnel. Trust, takes time as well, take it one step at a time. You’re not alone, and read on this forum and you will see that you are not alone. I wish you the best of luck. Feel free to talk about anything!

[Wicker Man]

"Will she cure him, is she the right for him, are they happy, will he act normal around her, will they have a family?"

I come at this from a different perspective.  I have such extreme pity for my ex who I believe suffers from undiagnosed Borderline Personality Disorder  -I cannot imagine what the world must look like through the lens of her disorder.  The self loathing, fear of abandonment, and the rage both of these feeling bring with them. The impulsive drive to self destruction and continued sadness.  The need to subject everyone who loves her to trial by fire.  All of us felt her fury, grandparents, mother, step father, and me.

I hope she is going to be able to find someone kind and have a happy and loving home, but I am afraid her life will continue as it began --in painful trauma.  I miss her and wished I could have been the one to offer a safe place in which to heal, but she was incapable of understanding what I had offered. 

Our circumstances are different, but I believe I understand some of the pain and confusion you feel.

In the meanwhile I'm afraid that I'll stay alone for the rest of my life. My trust in men in ruined. I'm afraid I'll never be able to trust another human being and enter a loving relationship... .  ... .I indeed feel like Humpty Dumpty, broken in million peaces and not being able to make myself whole again.

It may seem hard to belief at this point, but time heals.  Therapy will help put you on the right path for this healing.  There are good men out there and when you are ready to open your heart again you will find one.

'We don't find love by chasing after it; we simply open our hearts and find it within us'  --Charlotte Kasl

I am sorry you have been through so much --it gets better.


Wicker Man

[itgetsbetter94]

It's probably been a month now that he got married. I met him on 28th of June last year, not a whole year has passed. In a year he managed to break someone's 5 year long engagement (mine, with my ex), got engaged (with me), break up, get engaged to someone else, who he'd seen once in his life (2015) and marry that person, with whome he only messeged via viber so far and who lives half across the world. So much for BPD impulsiveness and instability.
Prior to mine, he destroyed one more long term engagements.
He is a walking catastrophe.  For anyone else but himself, of course.
It's been 9 months since the break up. My head is still under water.
My long term boyfriend, whom I left for BPD ex, is in commited relationship since the beginning of this year and he already calls his new gf "his wife".

So much for bad decision, bad choices and ruined life.

Ok, past is past... .but what I'm afraid the most is that this experience ruined me for the lifetime. My boundaries are enormously high now. On the first sign of the first red flag, I run like the wind. Today I decide to cut of the guy I was messaging with for some time because I discovered red flags... .I have no more time, energy nor willpower to save "lost boys" and poor unfortunate souls. I need to save myself first. But the loneliness gets heavier and heavier.

I wanted to have a family, raise a children, have a decent and loving husband.  This seems so unattainable at this moment.

I feel so also, so much detached from everybody, with no hope of ever getting over it and beyond this.

I don't remember I've ever been so sad for so freaking long. I'm sick and tired fron all the sadness, I'm exhausted.

[EdR]

I am so sorry to hear that itgetsbetter94.

Although I don't really know what to say, I do genuinely hope you will somehow find happiness again in life and heal from the scars from your r/s.

[itgetsbetter94]

Thank you EdR.
My therapist tells me to give myself time to grieve, that grieving process lasts for about a year.  But I'm so sick from the grieving. ... especially because I'm the only one who's left hurt.

[zachira]

You are in a lot of pain over your past relationships. Right now it seems that things will never get better. As many on this site have experienced who have been in relationships similar to yours, time will heal pain when we take time to feel and examine our feelings, and learn what is right for us in all areas of life. It is really key to know what a healthy person would look like that you could marry and have children with. I recommend the book "Attached" by Levine and Heller which explains how to heal from a devastating relationship and start attracting the right kind of partner. It is indeed the best book I have ever read on how to find a healthy relationship.
As you heal, keep reminding yourself of how you dodged a bullet by not marrying this guy, and how some day you will be able to look back knowing that the man you are married to is not a replacement for any boyfriend from the past and indeed is a man capable of love, caring, and commitment as a husband and father.
Post anytime, and tell us your feelings at the moment and how we can best support you in your journey.