Having Trouble Adhering to NC. Part 2

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Moderation note: split from this thread https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=313684.90

The pain of her cutting me off completely is hurting even more than when she initially broke up with me.

I have become convinced that this was all my fault. If I'd not asked to meet up. If I hadn't said anything about my emotions. If I'd just done what she wanted without saying anything. We'd still be talking, I wouldn't have been cut off.

This is horrible.

[clvrnn]

Moderation note: split from this thread https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=313684.90

The pain of her cutting me off completely is hurting even more than when she initially broke up with me.

I have become convinced that this was all my fault. If I'd not asked to meet up. If I hadn't said anything about my emotions. If I'd just done what she wanted without saying anything. We'd still be talking, I wouldn't have been cut off.

This is horrible.

[once removed]

If I'd acted in ways she wanted or done what she wanted, this might not be how things had gone.

i also think everyone would tell you that the things that broke down the relationship were much bigger/more complex and more protracted than this one incident.

i remember in the aftermath of my breakup talking to my parents, and they pointed out (gently) how emotionally and physically distant id been from my ex in the months leading up to the breakup. it really scared the hell out of me, it was a notion i found very threatening at the time. today i can tell you "yes of course that hurt my relationship." but it also didnt make or break it, it was just part of a much bigger picture that led us there.

lets set that bigger picture aside for now. right now is a fragile time. for me it was a time of self esteem and confidence being in the gutter, riddled with self doubt and blame, and its a time i think one is best served being very kind and gentle with themselves. ill reiterate, this event likely didnt make or break your relationship, and now isnt the time for fault and blame; when things are this fresh and raw we can even distort the picture - blame ourselves excessively.

some of the advice you received today was based on the recent encounter in the sense that each board serves a different purpose. seconds thoughts are normal. recycling the relationship is normal. if you experience these (most of us have), i encourage you to stay in touch here, we can help wherever youre coming from, and each board is tailored to the different kinds of advice that apply to whatever stage we are at.

the demands on her end sound really exhausting. pressures to separate from your hobbies and your friends and family and detail your whereabouts. invasion of your privacy. silent treatment. sleep deprivation. i experienced these things and most of us did. you mentioned there are more. do you want to share more about that?

[clvrnn]

the demands on her end sound really exhausting. pressures to separate from your hobbies and your friends and family and detail your whereabouts. invasion of your privacy. silent treatment. sleep deprivation. i experienced these things and most of us did. you mentioned there are more. do you want to share more about that?

Hey,

Thank you so much for your constant replies. Without this forum and access to it, I don't know how I'd have managed.

Yes, it was very exhausting being on the receiving end of her behaviours. There are more, but they are such small insidious things that to list them would take a very long time.

I have been speaking to a national domestic abuse helpline very frequently - these people are trained professionals in domestic abuse and it has been very helpful. They have assured me that what she did recently, when she came to see me and then cut me off, is typical abuser behaviour. It upsets me that I am not special to her, but it helps me to know that it isn't personal.

One thing that was mentioned is that she is and was using 'coercive control' during our relationship. She is currently in the care profession, and is surrounded by and responsible for vulnerable people with mental illnesses. In my country, coercive control has now been made illegal.

The evidence required to report it includes things like medical records, and other evidence of the victim's life being changed significantly by the abuse, which I have in the form of medical records, phone records, university attendance, etc.

I didn't know this was illegal, and I didn't know I could do anything about it. There are many reasons I want to, and many reasons I don't.

[once removed]

One thing that was mentioned is that she is and was using 'coercive control' during our relationship.

can you tell us more about this?

[clvrnn]

can you tell us more about this?

Sure.

Things like:

Unreasonable demands. Often followed up by threats and pressure.

Degradation/constant criticisms

Restricting daily activities
Threats or intimidation.

Monitoring of my time. Stalking my movements.My social media accounts.

Causing issues around me using my phone in her presence. Enforcing rules such as not being allowed to use my phone after certain times while she was with me, and if I broke the 'rules' I'd be subjected to more emotional abuse/intimidation.

The more I speak to people based at this organisation I'm working closely with, the more I find out about her and her behaviour. It's really worrying. She even suggested coming in with me to my counselling, the last time I saw her. That struck me as strange. Everyone knows you can't go into someone's counselling sessions.

While I thought my ex may have been BPD, it appears she is a serious problem and that her behaviours are awful. That she is an extremely abusive person. I often feel quite sick at the thought of what's happened and how I didn't even realise.

[once removed]

a demanding partner can get pretty overwhelming. i know my boundaries got blurrier in response over time. the anxiety was the worst.

the question i would ask is whether you think pursuing this further would help you to detach, or would it possibly keep you connected?

[clvrnn]

a demanding partner can get pretty overwhelming. i know my boundaries got blurrier in response over time.

the question i would ask is whether you think pursuing this would help you to detach, or would it possibly keep you connected?

Pursuing the complaint?

Yes, I have thought about this too. I have examined WHY I want to do it, and HOW it would affect my progress.

While I do want to detach, I at the same time, want her to know that this isn't OK. And of course, I have been abused. I don't think it's fair to have been abused. I didn't deserve it, and I feel that someone should expect repercussions for doing so. Not that I am someone who likes to get revenge - I have been cheated on before, and have just left it alone. But this is another thing altogether. I have had my mental health, my character, my LIFE, attacked. Is that fair?

In terms of keeping me connected... .I do worry about that. I don't intend to ever see her or contact her again. It is wrong, what she has done. She has no right to do that to someone. And - she is responsible for the care of vulnerable people.

I had a parent who was in a mental home, and she often complained about someone being abusive towards her, there. It hurt me, especially because she was supposed to be getting cared for, not abused. So that worries me, too.

If I did do it, I think it would help me to feel that she 'paid' for what she did. I really don't want to sound petty, or bitter, but... .this has caused me so much pain. Pain I've never experienced. I didn't do anything to her, certainly not anything to deserve this. I think it would keep me connected for a while, but I think, even  if all that happened was that she was spoken to by someone legal, that would be enough for me to feel that she had received sufficient repercussion for what she did to me. I feel that eventually this would help me to move on.

[once removed]

Yes, I have thought about this too. I have examined WHY I want to do it, and HOW it would affect my progress.

good, this means youre not being ruled by emotions, and so many of us in the aftermath have either done things we regret due to that, or things that kept us stuck and really just prolonged our hurt.

I have had my mental health, my character, my LIFE, attacked. Is that fair?

not in the slightest. its something i struggled with too, even after most of the pain passed, it was replaced with anger, and thoughts of injustice, which felt better than pain, but it really nagged at me, constantly. i wanted more than anything to send the message that she hadnt gotten away with anything.

anger is part of the stages of grief, and there are a lot of ways to acknowledge and work through these feelings constructively. for me it was journaling. i wrote some really nasty stuff that i would never share let alone send. i did creative writing. i listened to music that reflected what i wanted to say. some people scream into and punch pillows, or a punching bag, or work out, or all three. some people write unsent letters. there are many options, and id recommend any of them.

if youre not someone who likes to get revenge (a value) you are probably (correct me if im wrong) a practitioner of forgiveness. and even if you are, forgiveness is probably the furthest thing from your mind right now (it felt like a very foreign concept for me to even entertain, i wasnt even sure what it looked like) and im not suggesting you go down that road right now. i would suggest, that if it is a value, living in accordance with that.

it took me a year or more. the weird thing ive found, is that with the people that were hardest for me to forgive, the people that hurt me the most, the people who were wrong in their actions toward me - theres a profound feeling that comes when i finally do reach forgiveness that doesnt hold a candle to when i forgive people who committed minor infractions or just said something rude or offended me; its a feeling of inner peace. i try to trust, when it is hardest, that ill get there eventually.

just practically speaking? pursuing the complaint would likely significantly up the ante and the hurt all around.

theres nothing you described that you deserved. detaching does let her know that this isnt ok. it speaks volumes about what isnt ok for you. it lives it.

[clvrnn]

  once removed  

I've really taken some time to think about what you were saying in this reply, what advice and opinions I've received from professionals based within the domestic abuse organisation I'm working with and of course, my own feelings.

Yes, I do operate forgiveness for the most part. A previous partner left me with no money to go and be with someone else - it hurt, but I no longer care. I've been dumped several times.

This, however, was abuse. This woman abused me. She has caused me emotional and psychological harm. I view it as the same as if she had been physically assaulting me. It is not right. There is no excuse. If I had been on the receiving end of physical kicks and punches, should I just 'let it go'?

I must reiterate that this woman is responsible for the care of mentally ill, vulnerable people - is that not worrying? She also had a much younger friend who had mental illness concerns - this girl ended up committing suicide. It seems that my ex surrounds herself with vulnerable people regularly. That's worrying. No, that's nothing to do with me, but it's still worrying.

What I know that is I do not deserve any of this, and never have done. What she's done is wrong. It's illegal, in this country. I'm not 'angry' because she's hurt me and I want to get back at her.

I'm angry because I wasn't put on this Earth to receive treatment like this from someone like that, and it is immoral. As I said, I don't care if it is just a mere caution/warning she receives. She needs to understand that she is wrong in what she has done. As for upping the hurt and the ante; I know it will probably get ugly, but it cannot be any worse than what I have experienced.

I have spent countless nights calling ambulances, attending accident & emergency rooms, calling suicide helplines, taking all kinds of different medications, consuming alchohol, having panic attacks, questioned my own sanity, started psychotherapy, put on weight due to consumption of junk food to help with feelings, spent excessive amount of money to try and cope - all of this has been caused by her treatment.

So, bearing all this in mind, it is looking likely that I will speak to my advocate about what I can do.

[once removed]

What I know that is I do not deserve any of this, and never have done.

friend, we are all in agreement about this. you are amongst a support group of people who have all dealt with inexcusable behavior and are healing from those wounds. members on this board have been physically abused (some have hit their partners too). i was stolen from. thats illegal too. and i tell ya, i hate thieves.

This, however, was abuse. This woman abused me. She has caused me emotional and psychological harm. I view it as the same as if she had been physically assaulting me. It is not right. There is no excuse. If I had been on the receiving end of physical kicks and punches, should I just 'let it go'?

the thing is, this wasnt physical assault from a stranger. it was not a random mugging. this was a consensual romantic relationship. a healing turning point came for me when i realized that i chose to stay. no one forced me to endure what i endured. whats done was done, my relationship was over. the question became where i would go from there.

you are not the first to go down this road. we have had members argue their right to sue for things like "intentional infliction of emotional distress". these members dont let go. they remain connected, and some eventually find that these efforts were a response to the deep sense of rejection that they felt, and how they coped with it. it was coming from a place of deep hurt that keeps them imprisoned. for many, their perspective and the way they responded in the aftermath, was more about them than their partner. many never get over it, take the anger and bitterness, the fear and hypervigilance, and the baggage, into the next relationship. if you seriously want to pursue this, seek advice on the Legal board; members with experience in the court systems are likely to tell you the same.

dont just "let it go". when people treat us unkindly or abusively, we dont condone it. we dont give them the opportunity to do it  to us again. learn from it. heal. learn about what drew you into and kept you in an abusive relationship. learn new skills to identify and take to healthier relationships.

the goal is to let her go. you dont have to be fully ready to do that, i certainly wasnt. youre angry. youre hurt. all of that is valid and should be processed. vent. ask questions. work the lessons to the right of the board, and learn. grieve. it will hurt. im a big believer that the only way out is through. this is bargaining (a stage of grief). weve all done it... .my version was first holding out hope of reconciliation, spending a few months trying to get my belongings back (fools errand) and even knowing that she was going through my email because at least it meant she was thinking of me. pursuing this will keep you connected and attached to pain and prolong your grief.

i know that this hurts unimaginably. i cant tell you what to do. i can tell you that it does get better, and there is a way out. food for thought.

[clvrnn]

 I probably won't report it. I don't want to hurt anyone to that level, despite what's been done. I just feel so confused. Most of the time I question whether it WAS abusive, or maybe I just imagined it? Right now I feel so confused and conflicted.

[once removed]

Most of the time I question whether it WAS abusive, or maybe I just imagined it?

its hard, in these early days, to get a clear perspective on these things. it will clear up.

this is where it really helps to learn about BPD. it helps us get a better understanding on confusing behavior. it helps depersonalize what was very hurtful. later on, it helps us get to a fuller and more balanced perspective on how our relationship transpired, where BPD traits played a role, where some stuff was just a messy relationship, etc.

when you say you wonder whether it was abusive or if you just imagined it, what do you mean?

[clvrnn]

I haven't been sticking to NC since I last posted. I feel dreadful admitting that, because I know NC is what I am meant to be doing.

We've been in contact almost daily - it consists of me trying to talk through things, and her becoming frustrated. There have been a couple of phone calls - one day she'll be reasonable, the next day very angry.

I asked her why she doesn't seem to care about how I'm feeling/how it's so easy for her to remove me from her life... .her answer was that she has "a lot going on" right now in terms of work, family issues and that "a relationship ending is nothing". The last thing she said to me was that "care doesn't come into it, I just have too much going on" (which I've analyzed to death).

That was last night, and I haven't replied. I know that my only option is to go NC.

I am terrified of it. Because it means that it's finally over (even though it is already).

I'm also still obsessing about her being with someone else, even though she's said several times that she isn't and has been quite specific that she isn't looking for anyone else. I don't know why I'm being so obsessive about that, but the thought of her with someone else makes me feel sick to my stomach.

Is that a strange comment? To say that she's got too much going on and just can't deal with 'this'? I don't know. I feel so rejected and abandoned and for the last few days I've been going through hell, emotionally.

I can't stop looking at my phone to see if she's messaged me (I bought a PAYG phone to use and ended up messaging her from it; she doesn't have my 'main' number) and when I see that she hasn't, I feel sad.

I want to call her or message her but what would I even say? The same things? To be rejected again?

I also don't find that therapy is helping me in the slightest. I feel annoyed and angry with my therapist, for some reason. I don't even want to go. It's not helping.

[clvrnn]

I mean, in regards to the someone else thing, she has told me that no, there is no-one else. That her love life is non-existent. I've asked her straight whether she's seeing someone else and she's said "no, there isn't". I've asked her that a few times and that's always been the answer.  She's told me that she's too emotionally attached to me to even think of dating someone else.

But for some reason I just can't shake the thought that she IS with someone else. I know that I have a lot of insecurities around that issue, so I am aware I could be acting irrationally. And she's said and done such hurtful things that I know she wouldn't hold back on telling me if she was, and she's never lied to me about anything. I know that breakups change everything and sometimes people DO lie, which is why I think she might be lying.

As you can see from this post itself, I'm really obsessing about it. What kills me also is that if she WAS with someone else, there's not a lot I can do to stop it.

[clvrnn]

I don't think I'll ever get through this. I was doing quite well until we met up, and the pain seems to have increased by about 1000%.

[SuperJew82]

If I could bet everything I own on if she has guys on the backburner or already in the mix - I would do it in a heartbeat. my exdBPDgw told me the same thing while she was seeing a couple of guys.

It is a possibility that she is telling you the honest truth and doesn't even think about other guys and is truly devoted to you.

[SuperJew82]

But it may be a good time to start looking for what you want instead of thinking about what she might or might not be doing.

What are you looking for in a relationship? Does she meet your criteria for your long-term goals?

[clvrnn]

If I could bet everything I own on if she has guys on the backburner or already in the mix - I would do it in a heartbeat. my exdBPDgw told me the same thing while she was seeing a couple of guys.

It is a possibility that she is telling you the honest truth and doesn't even think about other guys and is truly devoted to you.

It's not about her being 'devoted' to me. More that she expressed she isn't ready to date, as it's too soon for her.

[clvrnn]

What are you looking for in a relationship? Does she meet your criteria for your long-term goals?

I just want some security and stability within a relationship. She doesn't meet these goals, no. Too much conflict, too many problems that can't be fixed.

[clvrnn]

I'm probably going over the same topics, but I'm finding myself almost terrified at the prospect of life without her. I am dreading going to university and not having anyone to talk to about my day, and I am feeling more and more lonely.

She maintains that I have never stopped to think about how she might be feeling - but when I had been drinking heavily, and having panic attacks... .she was nowhere to be found. Not that she is supposed to hold my hand, but it was the very rejection and abandonment that was making me feel hurt. It doesn't feel like she stopped to think about how I was feeling.

I feel like I'm constantly being told about things I've done that make her not want to speak to me ("This is why I don't want to talk to you, because you... .", but, most of my actions are as a direct result of what she's said or how she's behaved towards me.

I don't even feel like I'm making any sense. I feel like I'm living in a bit of a haze. What's real and what's not, I don't know, anymore.

[Harley Quinn]

I am dreading going to university and not having anyone to talk to about my day, and I am feeling more and more lonely.

Aside from romantic relationships, BPD or otherwise, just losing someone from our lives who was a part of them - someone familiar, routines we were accustomed to, activities we shared, etc. is tough.  It can be scary to have that gap where someone once was.  :)on't let what you can't do stop you from doing what you can do.  Because you can't do what you'd hoped to doesn't mean you can't do something different to that, reach out to others and make new connections.  University is a great place to do this.  Be open to new possibilities and opportunities will arise.

I don't even feel like I'm making any sense. I feel like I'm living in a bit of a haze. What's real and what's not, I don't know, anymore.

This is a familiar feeling to me.  I'm sure many others can relate.  If we spend enough time dwelling on the chaos and crazy making, breaking down everything that happened and turning it over in our minds, it's quite easy to reach this point.  Heck, during the r/s I often didn't know what to believe was real any more.  Things seemed so surreal in how removed from normality they were.  This too shall pass.  Be patient and kind with yourself.  Healing takes time.  You are grieving.  It's normal to feel terrified at the prospect of a future without that person in it.  Ride the wave.  The only way out is through, so take care of yourself, push yourself to do the things that scare you and keep putting one foot in front of the other.  You'll get there and we'll be here along the way.

What positive things are you consciously doing right now to help yourself through this difficult time?

Love and light x

[clvrnn]

 Thank you for the kind message. I feel so alone and low, right now. I went to my university induction yesterday, and it just felt surreal. I tried my best to enjoy it and to engage with it all, but I felt a kind of undercurrent of sadness during the whole day. I don't know why.

Well, I don't know. I try to get up and keep the house clean. Keep up with my hygiene. Eat when I can remember to. I feel like I'm on auto pilot. Everyone on forums always says "get out, volunteer, meet new people!" but I just can't face it. It's all I can do to get dressed, sometimes.

I watch concerts sometimes. I like watching them, they're a form of escapism but even with that I have to be careful because any mention of love or whatever is triggering. Everything feels triggering. Even seeing the types of guys I know she likes on the street upsets me. I feel terrible.

Sorry, I know you didn't ask to hear all of that. I just can't believe almost three years means nothing to her and she just doesn't want to know me at all. I feel so hurt. I can't even put it into words.

[clvrnn]

Even though I know she was abusive and completely destroyed me, I can't stop thinking about her. I was really close to calling her earlier - she'd either be nasty or really nice and we'd start that cycle again. I don't know what's wrong with me, why I still have feelings for her after everything she did, said, all the ways she hurt me to the point I was considering suicide.

I feel embarrassed that I believed she was genuine. I feel confused; was she genuine? Did I unfairly paint her as abusive? Are all these professionals telling me she abused me lying to me? Did I do something wrong? Why doesn't she love me anymore? I don't know how I am supposed to get over this.

[Harley Quinn]

Hi clvrnn,

Sorry, I know you didn't ask to hear all of that. I just can't believe almost three years means nothing to her and she just doesn't want to know me at all. I feel so hurt. I can't even put it into words.

Please don't apologise.  We're here to hear anything and everything you feel the need to get out of your system.  It's clear you're really struggling with the pain and that's understandable.

Would you say that you're feeling depressed right now?  Your posts are showing signs of this and it's common for us to suffer with this after a BPD r/s.  I'd encourage you to speak to a doctor if you haven't already, as a little help with this can go a long way.  It took for me to get to complete breaking point before I finally accepted a trial of an SSRI and having done so I can't believe I was so resistant for so long. 

There is light at the end of this tunnel, despite how dark it seems right now.  Hang in there and keep posting.  You are not alone in your feelings and we can all relate to the pain and confusion you're describing.  Who are the professionals that you speak of that are telling you she was abusive?  Do you think they are mistaken?  At the onset of DV, I found myself minimising, which is common in victims of violence.  Also, after being emotionally abused we can feel unsure of ourselves and the facts around our experiences.  I feel for you in your line of questioning.  I defended my ex at first.

I know it's hard, and you know in yourself that you must force yourself to go through the motions at the moment.  Get yourself moving and doing the things you don't feel like doing.  Even if that begins as once in a couple of days.  I have a mood disorder which can drag me down and I soon recognise the signs and try to take action before I'm pulled under.  It's an awful feeling to find ourselves so low and it's important to want to feel better.  Choose to push yourself and you will eventually reap the benefits.  Fake it til you make it.

Let us know how you are doing and what you can aim for that will take you a step forwards.  Baby steps, clvrnn.  They add up.

Love and light x

[clvrnn]

I must say that I'm not really doing very well. I constantly think of ways in which I could approach her or whether she's with someone else, or whether we could be friends in the future (why, I don't know). I feel like no one understands how I am feeling. I feel like I'm not myself and I have been hijacked by all these thoughts and emotions and every single day I feel like speaking to the person that has caused this.

[clvrnn]

It has been nine weeks this week that I have been in NC. There was a period within this where I had been distracted by someone else (who turned out not to be interested in me despite acting so) and I don't think I really dealt with my feelings regarding my ex, as now they all seem to have come flooding back and I am crying most of the time and feeling really terrible.

I feel like I want to contact her, and if this was just another ex I probably would. But with this woman, the ability she has to cut right through me with her words/actions and the possibility of her doing that to me again is too frightening, and so I can't contact her.

And then there's the possibility that she'll be nice, which she can be sometimes. But I'm scared to contact her, because I'm scared of what it will do to me.

I don't know how to get over this. I thought I had made progress but now it feels like I haven't made any at all. And nine weeks compared to 2 and a half years is nothing.

I don't understand how she doesn't even care, and how (apparently) she's just jumped into something with someone else already - but what about me? What am I supposed to do? I'm not ready at all to date anyone, how can she be? This really feels so unfair. I'm just getting pain and she's happy with this person.

Everytime I think about myself in the future dating anyone, I just can't see how it will work. I no longer trust anyone. If someone tells me I'm the love of their life how will I believe that? If someone says they love me how will I accept that without feeling bitter? I can't. I spent two years with this woman - and now she doesn't even exist. And I can't even contact her because her behaviour is too unpredictable and damaging to my mental health. So it's either the pain of NC or the pain of contacting her. There's no way out. I don't know how to get through this.

[40days_in_desert]

Hey clvrnn, when I read your last post here it brought me back over two years ago where I was at. Like you and many others here, my ex discarded me and moved on to another relationship without missing a beat. After 17 years together and 5 kids.

It doesn't make sense does it? Personally, I'm glad it doesn't make sense. I had the same questions and symptoms as you. I would have great anxiety when I heard a text alert because it might be her. I wondered how she could or ever did love me. Over time, I realized in my heart and not just my head that I would never really know the truth. More importantly, whatever she felt towards me in the past or even the present, it has nothing to do with me deserving love. The same goes for you. You deserve it. 

I too would get down and maybe even a little from time to time about my progress when I feel anxious over something my ex did or said. Now, I remind myself that progress isn't always a constant upward trajectory. There will be setbacks and I'll make mistakes. My analogy is like the stock market. I'm not an expert but I do know that the market can go up and down on a daily, weekly monthly basis. In the long run (big picture), it has gone up.
In other words, I make fewer mistakes now and do a better job at enforcing my boundaries than I did a year ago.

On dating, I believe that the time before being ready after a long term relationship is different for everyone. However long that is for you will become clear over time.

Do you have a T?

[clvrnn]

Hey clvrnn

Hi there, thank you the reply.

I’m so sorry to hear that you went through that experience; I can only imagine how tough that must have been/still is.

It doesn’t make any sense, no. I have often asked myself the same questions, was I really loved, etc. I feel so angry and disappointed that I trusted her with my emotions and love, only to be throw away and treated as if I had done something to HER. I have gone over the breakup in my head hundreds of times - even coming up with ludicrous suggestions such as “If I hadn’t have moved house, we’d still be together” even though that’s got nothing to do with it.

I’m glad to hear you’re making progress, though. That’s the most important thing; to keep moving forward.

If by T you mean therapist, yes. I was given one by a domestic abuse charity near me and it’s been helpful. Although I haven’t mentioned the concept of BPD because I feel as if it won’t be taken seriously.

[clvrnn]

In my previous post I stated that it has been nine weeks or so since we were last in contact. However, yesterday morning I felt very weak and I attempted to contact her. I was not going to talk to her - in fact, I was so consumed with pain that I am not sure what my motive was for the contact.

Anyway, I dialled her number (withholding mine, in case she answered and I bottled it, I could just hang up and she wouldn't have known it was me) - and I was met with a long tone that indicated her number has been changed.

I have not contacted this person for nine weeks. I have made no attempt to do so before this, and when we WERE in contact, I was not being rude, abusive, anything.

I have to be honest in that realising she's done this gave me a panic attack; and it was then I realised that anything to do with her is dangerous. Even when I don't get in touch with her, it's painful.

I am feeling very upset about the fact that she's done this. It seems to be a common theme on here, the changing of numbers by BPDex. I had hoped (as she'd always said before) that maybe one day we could have been 'friends' or whatever. I don't know if that's what I would have wanted once I'm over this, but anyway.

I'm so hurt. I have abandonment issues and this whole thing only feeds into it. I have no way of contacting her or seeing her and we won't bump into each other as we don't live near to each other. I really cannot understand why she has done this, as, like I said, I was not even in contact with her.

I don't know how to cope with these feelings. I am constantly in tears and constantly thinking about how long it will take to get over this, and if i ever will.

Can anyone give any input into this or how best to channel these feelings?

[clvrnn]

I hope that my multiple posts are OK; I am finding it quite helpful to talk about my feelings here.

I am really struggling too with the thoughts of her and her new partner, in particular unwanted sexual images and I have developed a habit of looking at explicit videos and trying to imagine the pair of them together (why I am doing this, I don't know - it only results in more tears). Her and I were very sexual together and it has really hurt me, this aspect of it.

I then start thinking about whether she's pregnant now, what stage their relationship might be at, she's also known him since they were 8 so how on Earth can I compete with that? We met online, so I doubt she will look back at me and remember me with the same fondness she remembers others (people she's known since she was 8!)

I cannot understand how we have been so close, and now nothing. Even with my last ex who had BPD traits (but not this bad) we had intermittent, 'nice' contact after we broke up. I didn't actually DO anything, here. Not anything that warrants being cut out of someone's life in this way. And the thing is, she KNOWS about my issues with abandonment and loneliness, etc. Why go ahead and add to it?

The pain was so intense last night that I literally felt as if the only way to relieve it was to smash something (I didn't) or to hurt myself (I didn't). I feel so angry that she's done this to me. Not only has she left me but she's destroyed my trust in relationships, in people, in getting close to anyone ever again in case they do this again. I've actually resolved to stay single forever now which may sound dramatic, but it's the only way I can protect myself. I feel like she's ruined me, broken me. I want to get back to myself but I have no idea how to.