What would you advise me to do?

[EdR]

OK, let's play this out... .

1. She's split you black and you try to show her that you care by wishing her a happy birthday. How do you think that she will received it?

2. She's not split you black and you try to show her that you care by wishing her a happy birthday. Do you think that she would have forgotten that you care?

Thank you for all your support Meili, but I don't really think this is a clear game.

1) two options:
A) this would only reinforce her in her twisted unknown image of me
B) a 'dry' , non-emotional 'happy birthday' after all this time (months) would alter her created image temporarily. The splitting black would end. Just like it had a while ago. Then it even was a surprise to me. I never thought she'd be 'normal' again.

2) no, but then the 'happy birthday' would be no problem either.

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[Meili]

I'm sorry. I don't mean to confuse the issue(s) anymore than the already are. Perhaps someone else will join in and help clear things up.

[Harley Quinn]

Hi EdR,

I've been reading your thread and it sounds to me like she had a special place in your life.  What was the reason for the splitting black the first time around?  Do you know?

It strikes me that she has expressed a boundary with you that she would like you to respect and I feel that in order to show you care it would be best to respect that boundary absolutely unless she shows you herself that it is no longer her wish. 

I can understand your hope that it might show her that you're a decent person and not the person she believes you to be.  It's important to remember that whatever her reason is for not wanting contact from you, it is valid to her.  Whether or not it is a justifiable reason to anyone else doesn't matter so unfortunately even if you feel you don't deserve to be cut out of her life, nothing will change her mind until she changes it herself.  A benign message will have no less negative effect than an abusive one if she has no desire to hear from you at all, and contacting her on a very emotional date (special occasions tend to be triggering for people who suffer from BPD) may have an adverse effect rather than a neutral or positive one. 

If you want her to see you in a good light, show her you respect her wishes and wait.  Not actively waiting of course.  Spend time with others, get busy taking care of yourself, heck learn all the lessons and tools here until you know them inside out and upside down but most of all move forwards and this will make you more appealing and interesting if she decides to give you a shot at being in her life further down the road.  It must be very hard to have feelings for someone yet want to hold back because of the risk involved.  Perhaps the two of you have more in common there than you think. 

Love and light x 

[EdR]

Hi EdR,

I've been reading your thread and it sounds to me like she had a special place in your life.  What was the reason for the splitting black the first time around?  :)o you know?

It strikes me that she has expressed a boundary with you that she would like you to respect and I feel that in order to show you care it would be best to respect that boundary absolutely unless she shows you herself that it is no longer her wish.  

I can understand your hope that it might show her that you're a decent person and not the person she believes you to be.  It's important to remember that whatever her reason is for not wanting contact from you, it is valid to her.  Whether or not it is a justifiable reason to anyone else doesn't matter so unfortunately even if you feel you don't deserve to be cut out of her life, nothing will change her mind until she changes it herself.  A benign message will have no less negative effect than an abusive one if she has no desire to hear from you at all, and contacting her on a very emotional date (special occasions tend to be triggering for people who suffer from BPD) may have an adverse effect rather than a neutral or positive one.  

If you want her to see you in a good light, show her you respect her wishes and wait.  Not actively waiting of course.  Spend time with others, get busy taking care of yourself, heck learn all the lessons and tools here until you know them inside out and upside down but most of all move forwards and this will make you more appealing and interesting if she decides to give you a shot at being in her life further down the road.  It must be very hard to have feelings for someone yet want to hold back because of the risk involved.  Perhaps the two of you have more in common there than you think.

Love and light x  

Thank you for your reply Harley Quinn. I believe the bold part is very true unfortunately... .You have a keen eye ;-)

About the first 'splitting black': I don't really know for sure. But I do know her 2 'mean girl' friends tried painting me black unsuccessfully  in the second year, but became successful in the third year when we saw eachother a little less in real life.
Until then it was all idealisation. But from that point onwards things got worse and worse. I tried to speak face to face with her about this, but she just made up all kind of excuses to avoid us meeting up.
Long story short: in June she suddenly reverted back to her old self... .However that seems to have been temporarily :-(

[Harley Quinn]

I'm glad you picked up on that.  There was something else in an earlier post I wanted to ask you about.  At one stage in the r/s you mentioned that she would say "there's no point, things won't change".  Could you relate to exactly what she meant by that at the time?  Was she referring to the cycle of behaviours / arguments between you or do you think that there's a possibility she was actually waiting for you to move things forwards in the r/s?  In honesty did she seem to present you with openings for this that you didn't take?  Perhaps it was the other way around?  I just feel like there is a missing link here.  Forgive me if I'm off track.

Love and light x

[EdR]

No, that's a great and valid point as well.

She never explained what she meant by that. I thought about it a lot and I even tried the exact same line of reasoning as you just did.
But I never really figured it out... .
She was NOT nice or anything when she said that though... .so maybe it was just her previous split black image of me that would not change? I just really don't know.

Sorry... .for me there seems to be a missing link as well.

[Harley Quinn]

From where I'm sitting it looks a lot like there has been some miscommunication between you two at some point.  Possibly early on, as things were developing.  I could be entirely wrong.  So don't take this as a given, however I'd have a good think back to key moments.  You mentioned yourself you were very good friends, possibly more than that.  Can you qualify that?  She seems to be reacting to something that has really hurt her.  Disappointment could be involved in that.  Did you ever manage expectations between you?  Was the relationship mutually understood and if so, was that just taken as a given or ever clarified?

All the above may be useful to think about now for if and when she decides to make contact with you.  I'd suggest really asking yourself what you want to have with this woman if the chance arises, so that you can be clear not only with her but yourself.  The moment may have passed to reconcile the r/s you had, yet it's never too late to know yourself better and to be wiser in future.

Meantime, sit tight and use restraint when it comes to your urges to contact her as that may only drive her away.  The members and staff on this board can help you through your thoughts and feelings and suggest ways to ease things should you get opportunity to speak to her again in time.  Give her the space she wants and put this time to good use for yourself.

Love and light x   

[EdR]

Thanks again. I will most certainly resist the urge as I really and honestly do not want to violate her wish. I respect her too much for that.

I had difficulties controlling that urge more than a week ago though. But back then I was really confused about all the ambiguity. And I messed up... .
But that's all in hindsight.

I think 'the specialists' and you are right. The missing link is her more than just liking me. But that put her in some sort of emotional conflict and the BPD traits triggered.
That's the only thing that made sense.
However, I did not believe that at first and she communicates in words differently than by her actions.

I just could not and cannot act on a perceived 'love for me' when I see her family looking at me as a criminal and hearing that she paints me black around/with her friends.
It just feels like I would be or would have been strengthening a case against me. Like I would have been presenting them with the long awaited evidence against me or something like that.

[Edit] I forgot to answer your question about managing expectations. I feel it was mutually understood, but that was indeed taken as a given. I wanted to talk about it after she started acting 'weird', but never really got the chance. My attempts after her split white in June always resulted in some random answer which had nothing to do with the question. Everything was just fine in her opinion... .[/Edit]

[Harley Quinn]

I agree.  Best not act and if she gets in touch, proceed slowly and cautiously.  Right now, think about what you want in your future, and if that includes her, in what capacity.  Get things straight in your own mind and heart and know what you would be working towards in a consistent and clear way.  There are enough mixed messages in a BPD r/s without both parties engaging in that, so set your 'ideal' intention regards this woman, then put it aside and if the chance arises, come up with a strategy then.  You can be walked through that here if you wish before making any decisions.

Love and light x 

[EdR]

Thank you so much! I will! I edited my previous post btw, because I forgot to answer one of your questions.