Would pwBPD actually commit suicide after separation?

[aboundaries]

Hi Friends,

I know it would not be my fault if it did happen, I just wonder how often this kind of thing actually occurs?

He's talked about suicide about 4 or 5 times in the last 6 years or so, and hopefully the medication he is on (Lamictal) will help keep him more stable.

He moved out of state for a 'job' a month ago, and I can't believe how calm my house is. I can breathe! I wake up and smile. I have energy to work out, my mind is clear. This is what made me realize how messed up my life had become.

He is much older than I am, and we met when I was a submissive teen, a prime target. There were too many red flags to count, but he could talk me into just about anything, he was an amazing sales person. He would morph into whatever I wanted, temporarily, of course, just long enough to hook me back in. So I'm pretty religious. He became overly religious. I have the best dad in the world and he knew that if he could get my dad to like him, he could get to me. Of course, he tried hard to alienate me from my family and friends once we were married, and tried to control how I dressed, how I acted, seemed like everything I did he would think I was trying to gain attention from other men.

We have been married 20+ years.

I had to create and exercise some boundaries lately via email and he threw a huge fit. I told him he needed to take responsibility for his behavior, take his meds consistently, and be in therapy for his mental health, and addiction. And that I wasn't going to talk with him for a while as I am sorting myself out. And that he needed to start taking accountability for all the drama in his life (that he compulsively creates).

After 26 years of pure hell at times, I have put my foot down and said, ENOUGH of the craziness. Got it, Mr.? He's all freaking out that I grew a pair. I'm in therapy and that is helping so much.

He has been so irresponsible through the years, and has driven our family into the ground countless times. He has lost and quit jobs, harmed friendships to the point of no return, created issues that caused people to want to sue him.

He turns into a monster when he drinks. Literally psychotic, scary behavior. He does things he should be in prison for.

Anyway, I'm not going to accept his out of control behaviors any longer. Just no. No more walking on land mines.

I still care about him in that I don't want him to commit suicide. Our kids still love their dad. At least one of them does, anyway.

He says he loves me... .but he loves like a vampire. Then he hates just as vehemently.

Just so happy to be at peace right now. Ahhhhh!

Many more boundaries to come... .

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[evanescent]

It's really impossible to say what risk he is to himself.

My wife did ultimately take her own life. Ideation and threats in my experience were always a cry for help however. She wanted to be saved. She wanted things to get better. I tried on every count to help her do just that. So when she finally did do it a little over two weeks ago, myself and my children were taken by surprise at the timing, as no threat had been made!

In fact, she was not raging, and only briefly visibly emotionally upset in front of me in the five days before she did it. It had seemed as if she was in a more stable state, working on projects, making plans, and taking care of business in the usual way. It was only a couple of hours after she had 'gone to the store' and said "I'll be back" in the usual way that I began to get suspicious of what she was up to. In fact, if a friend had not dropped by looking for a jacket she had left at our house, I probably wouldn't have noticed the empty shotgun case in the closet. (We had no ammo and she had the means to purchase whatever she needed regardless.) That's when I realized it was 100% her intention to see things through. I could go on from there, but my point is, if he has ever truly planned and thought it out at all, there's probably little you can do if he ultimately decides to go through with it.

[donkey2016]

Hello aboundaries,
So nice to read that you're taking steps to improve your situation. For the suicide threats - this is of course something we have to take seriously. Here on the web site there's a whole discussion thread about that - I found that helpful to read when I was going through the same questions in my mind as you. I have just broken up with my uBPD boyfriend - only three weeks ago. I have tried to break up with him many times before but it was difficult because he threaten me many times with suicide (when nothing else was working). One friend told me that suicide threats is a form of abuse - and I agree with that.

CaseyA, I'm so sorry to hear about what your wife did - so sad. That's terrible for you and the children. I hope that you have support and help from friends and family.

donkey2016

[aboundaries]

Hmmm. I'm sorry you are dealing with that CaseyA. Really sad, and so many other emotions combined. I can't even imagine. You say she wasn't raging, was she showing deep depression? Was she on medicine at the time? What do you think tipped her over?

When my husband was in the pits of despair for months, it almost was understandable that he would want to just get relief by checking out, and that's why it's so difficult because you understand that it could happen. That the depths of emptiness are so deep.

I struggle with how to put up those boundaries in a way that doesn't tip him that far. My therapist is really helping with this. I had a huge long letter that I was going to send, but she said simple, concise verbiage is for the best when he is unable to self regulate.

Any thing that is less than bending over backwards to be sensitive to him is taken as a complete threat.

Yes, though, I can see how suicide threats are a way of abuse as well, CaseyA. A way to control you into not making them accountable for their behavior. When to know when it's manipulation, and when it's worthy of actual concern? I'll do more research on the other threads about suicide.  Thanks!