Should I have responded? Feel horrible

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Hi, I'll try and keep this short. Posted many times and I'm sure many of you have read previous posts and may be familiar with my situation.

Back in June I received an apology text from my uBPDex. I did not reply. My initial thought was that she was trying to ease her conscience. A week later she returned to the U.K from abroad (had been there 6 months and the reason why the most recent recycle ended). Within weeks of being there I'd been replaced. 6 months on she returned with a replacement (the second!)

I now understand that r/s has ended.
I am really battling with myself and actually beating myself up at the moment that perhaps I should have replied to the apology? It was an apology at the end of the day about how she had treated me emotionally and maybe I should have been more gracious ? I feel quite horrible. I read on here how people with BPD feel Shane and guilt and are hurting inside ... .which makes me think I could have and should alleviated some of that ? Even if I'd have put 'thank you and I hope you are happy too' ... .I feel mean! Before going abroad she hinted at BPD (although undiagnosed) and said she feel low and down being here. She's back and I can't help feeling she is feeling all of those things again and I hate to think she might be.
I was recycled this time last year for approx 3-4 months (before she flew off!) after 9 months apart and I guess the part of the brain looking out for me said 'do not respond she's just thinking about her' ... .I was inundated with texts this time last year which led to the recycle (as I now understand it).
BUT... .was it just a simple apology that I could have just simply honored? I feel bad but should I? Most people I spoke to said do not respond and perhaps that was the best option for me so why am I battling with myself? She's out there not with the replacement (although I suspect it won't be long for another) and I do nothing but think of her; feel bad and think I could have just accepted it for what it was and alleviate some of her guilt? This is hard!

[KtotheK]

Hi, I'll try and keep this short. Posted many times and I'm sure many of you have read previous posts and may be familiar with my situation.

Back in June I received an apology text from my uBPDex. I did not reply. My initial thought was that she was trying to ease her conscience. A week later she returned to the U.K from abroad (had been there 6 months and the reason why the most recent recycle ended). Within weeks of being there I'd been replaced. 6 months on she returned with a replacement (the second!)

I now understand that r/s has ended.
I am really battling with myself and actually beating myself up at the moment that perhaps I should have replied to the apology? It was an apology at the end of the day about how she had treated me emotionally and maybe I should have been more gracious ? I feel quite horrible. I read on here how people with BPD feel Shane and guilt and are hurting inside ... .which makes me think I could have and should alleviated some of that ? Even if I'd have put 'thank you and I hope you are happy too' ... .I feel mean! Before going abroad she hinted at BPD (although undiagnosed) and said she feel low and down being here. She's back and I can't help feeling she is feeling all of those things again and I hate to think she might be.
I was recycled this time last year for approx 3-4 months (before she flew off!) after 9 months apart and I guess the part of the brain looking out for me said 'do not respond she's just thinking about her' ... .I was inundated with texts this time last year which led to the recycle (as I now understand it).
BUT... .was it just a simple apology that I could have just simply honored? I feel bad but should I? Most people I spoke to said do not respond and perhaps that was the best option for me so why am I battling with myself? She's out there not with the replacement (although I suspect it won't be long for another) and I do nothing but think of her; feel bad and think I could have just accepted it for what it was and alleviate some of her guilt? This is hard!

[Mutt]

Hi KtotheK,

I was recycled this time last year for approx 3-4 months

I think that a lot of members can relate with your post, I know that I had similar feelings, I'm not going to tell you what you already about being hard on yourself but I just wanted to share with you that you're putting all of this on yourself, your ex has her part too right?

Do you think these feelings may of surfaced because it's an anniversary of sorts?

What result would apologizing produce?

[KtotheK]

Hi KtotheK,

I think that a lot of members can relate with your post, I know that I had similar feelings, I'm not going to tell you what you already about being hard on yourself but I just wanted to share with you that you're putting all of this on yourself, your ex has her part too right?

Do you think these feelings may of surfaced because it's an anniversary of sorts?

What result would apologizing produce?

Thank you for your response. I guess it's been a year since I was recycled and I truly believed she was being genuine when she came back last year after 9'months apart.
So maybe a year on and it's brought it all to the surface again?

It's not a case of me apologizing (unless I've misunderstood you - sorry if I have ). I just have feelings that I shoudl have acknowledged her apology? But like you say, she has to have consequences to her actions right? And me not responding is a way of feeling those consequences for her?

But, I guess the time has passed now hasn't it. I didn't acknowledge or respond and that's that. I just can't help thinking I could have been kinder if she was feeling shame and guilt etc. But you are right, I must try not to be hard on myself and move forwards as best I can. I can only think and look after me. Thank you

[Mutt]

Hi KtotheK,

I just can't help thinking I could have been kinder if she was feeling shame and guilt etc.

From one caretaker to another, I understand worrying about someone else's feelings and often forgoing our own.

We're not responsible for someone else's feelings. One thing that I learned from BPD is that it is an emotional dysregulation disorder and a pwBPD ( other mental disorders as well ) go to therapy to learn how to manage their emotions, it teaches a pwBPD to change their bevahiors so that they can self manage.

[Harley Quinn]

Hi KtotheK,

Just to echo Mutt here, managing her own feelings is something she is responsible for.  It is possible that not responding has been a kindness in itself, by pushing her one step towards owning that.  Let yourself off the hook.  You can forgive her in private without opening up a potentially emotionally damaging dialogue with her.  That's entirely acceptable.

Love and light x   

[KtotheK]

Hi KtotheK,

From one caretaker to another, I understand worrying about someone else's feelings and often forgoing our own.

We're not responsible for someone else's feelings. One thing that I learned from BPD is that it is an emotional dysregulation disorder and a pwBPD ( other mental disorders as well ) go to therapy to learn how to manage their emotions, it teaches a pwBPD to change their bevahiors so that they can self manage.

Hi mutt, yes this is so true and you are so right. Thank you for taking the time to reply. My goodness this is such a mine field isn't it! I feel totally like a child when I post and feel like I am asking such ridiculous questions. But I have learnt that asking and getting it out there and off my chest and mind really really helps!
And what I heart warming is that I can do this and get help and advice from
People who have been there and unfortunately, also worn the t-shirt just like me!
What's swirling around in my head, then doesn't always seem so ridiculous and silly. So thank you x

[KtotheK]

Hi KtotheK,

Just to echo Mutt here, managing her own feelings is something she is responsible for.  It is possible that not responding has been a kindness in itself, by pushing her one step towards owning that.  Let yourself off the hook.  You can forgive her in private without opening up a potentially emotionally damaging dialogue with her.  That's entirely acceptable.

Love and light x   

Yes, that's very true and it helps to see it being written down.

Thank you x

[heartandwhole]

Hi KtotheK,

I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone. I was in a similar position and hemmed and hawed about responding. I had a lot of conflicting feelings, like you. I wanted to be kind. And yes, maybe caretake a bit.

But I just didn't know what to say in response (to some indirect communication). I waited for clarity. And waited. And waited.    I realized that I didn't want to respond, and I didn't have to. So, I didn't, and the sky didn't fall. And yes, I was contacted again at a later time.

Later, when I got a direct communication, I was much more detached, so I was able to respond in a friendly manner.

Give yourself as much time as you need to feel centered and balanced no matter if she contacts you or not. 

heartandwhole

[FSTL]

If she is truly sorry and has understood what she has done, she won't mind a bit that you didn't reply as she would understand you're still healing.

Harsh, but... .she quite likely was on the hunt for another recycle or just some attention. Isn't that the pattern here?

Why put her feelings ahead of your own? Why not let go and let her sort through her own feelings? What would you get from responding?

[KtotheK]

If she is truly sorry and has understood what she has done, she won't mind a bit that you didn't reply as she would understand you're still healing.

Harsh, but... .she quite likely was on the hunt for another recycle or just some attention. Isn't that the pattern here?

Why put her feelings ahead of your own? Why not let go and let her sort through her own feelings? What would you get from responding?

Yes history has said that this is the pattern! And I wouldn't totally rule out another contact attempt. And you are so right. I need to sort through how I am feeling and the best and only thing I can do, is think about me and look after me.
I've taken the step of now deleting her number and so I cannot contact. It also stops me looking at whatsapp etc. Taking that out of the equation has helped with detachment too. If anyOne out there is struggking with this (looking at whether their BPD ex is on line etc) be kind to yourself. Yes it's hard, but it will only do YOU good in the long run! It does help the healing process. Do it in a moment of strength. It does and will help you!
Thank you for your reply

[KtotheK]

Hi KtotheK,

I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone. I was in a similar position and hemmed and hawed about responding. I had a lot of conflicting feelings, like you. I wanted to be kind. And yes, maybe caretake a bit.

But I just didn't know what to say in response (to some indirect communication). I waited for clarity. And waited. And waited.    I realized that I didn't want to respond, and I didn't have to. So, I didn't, and the sky didn't fall. And yes, I was contacted again at a later time.

Later, when I got a direct communication, I was much more detached, so I was able to respond in a friendly manner.

Give yourself as much time as you need to feel centered and balanced no matter if she contacts you or not. 

heartandwhole

Thank you I think that's what I'm hoping for. If anymore contact were to come, that I am in a better position emotionally and that i have detached, enough to be able to respond unemotionally. Maybe just maybe that could happen.

x

[Hisaccount]

I will echo all of this.

Also will add this. You feel that way because you are a good person. We are not like them.

You have compassion and kindness in your heart.

That is a good thing, but it makes us easy prey.

Unless she is acknowledging and working on her condition daily and with a therapist then there is no pattern for change.

[Skip]

There is a point here that we may be missing.

This relationship is well over. The ex encountered an event (returning to the area) and it prompted her to send an apology. What we do with that is not a reflection of who they are, it's a reflection of who we are.

We shouldn't put off our behavior on a past relationship. We shouldn't rationalize our actions based on some unrealistic expectation - such as "If she is truly sorry and has understood what she has done, she won't mind a bit that you didn't reply as she would understand you're still healing" - if someone makes an apology month after the fact and doesn't get a response they would normally assume that the other person is holding grudge or just just immature. We shouldn't justify our behavior as self protection, if indeed, there is threat. And last, the reason for accepting an apology is not to heal someone else at our expense, it is to heal ourself - accepting the apology is about letting go of resentment (that is the seed of bitterness).

My thoughts would be that it is not too late to respond. She waited a long time. You can too.  But if you do it, do it for the right reasons.  And if you don't do it, do it for the right reasons.  Be the guy that you are proud to be.

If you want to respond, you can open and close with...

This is a very slow response, but I wanted to thank you for sharing your thoughts back in ______. I respect you for wanting to put things to rest with grace. I wish you the best... .you are a _____ <nice> person. (example only)

[KtotheK]

There is a point here that we may be missing.

This relationship is well over. The ex encountered an event (returning to the area) and it prompted her to send an apology. What we do with that is not a reflection of who they are, it's a reflection of who we are.

We shouldn't put off our behavior on a past relationship. We shouldn't rationalize our actions based on some unrealistic expectation - such as "If she is truly sorry and has understood what she has done, she won't mind a bit that you didn't reply as she would understand you're still healing" - if someone makes an apology month after the fact and doesn't get a response they would normally assume that the other person is holding grudge or just just immature. We shouldn't justify our behavior as self protection, if indeed, there is threat. And last, the reason for accepting an apology is not to heal someone else at our expense, it is to heal ourself - accepting the apology is about letting go of resentment (that is the seed of bitterness).

My thoughts would be that it is not too late to respond. She waited a long time. You can too.  But if you do it, do it for the right reasons.  And if you don't do it, do it for the right reasons.  Be the guy that you are proud to be.

If you want to respond, you can open and close with...

This is a very slow response, but I wanted to thank you for sharing your thoughts back in ______. I respect you for wanting to put things to rest with grace. I wish you the best... .you are a _____ <nice> person. (example only)

Well it is too late as I have deleted the number and did so to help  me heal. (I could be wrong?)
I am the least immature person you are likely to meet ( I think). I did not not reply because I am immature or even that I hold a grudge (far from it and sometimes i wished I did!). I felt vulnerable if actually the text was to recycle? And I just didn't  know.  I have been hurt tremendously through all of this and I felt it was a case of self preservation. Don't get me wrong, I could have responded with something fairly nice back ... .I agonized for ages about this. In the end I didn't ... .but as you can clearly see, I still agonize over that fact I didn't. Apologies if I am being over sensitive about all this ... .now I'm left with, well is that what  she thinks, that I'm immature and Simply holding a grudge? !

[Skip]

Apologies if I am being over sensitive about all this ... .

Maybe a little    But that's OK. We're family.

You are pretty far from the breakup and the tools that helped you in the early stages of grieving, like avoidance (nc) are not the tools you want to live your life by. In the short term, avoidance is helpful while we clear our head and extract from the day to day contact. But, avoidance is fear. It is no way to live you life.

So if we let go on avoidance (no contact, fear) - what replaces it?  Contact? No!

What replaces it is strength, conviction, confidence, and growth.

When you look back and someone says what does it take to heal... .is the answer fear and avoidance?  :)oesn't sound too good does it. Strength, conviction, confidence, and growth - now that sounds right.

Worried about a recycle?  Why? You're not weak. She is not all powerful. The reality is that she is weak (BPD is a weakness) and you have to decide if your are going to claim strength or fear/avoidance. She doesn't threaten you anymore. No matter how beautiful or compassionate, you have lived thorough a relationship with her and you know how hard you two struggled. You would run from electricity if you got a shock - but you damn sure wouldn't stick your finger in a socket again.

Worried about what she thinks? This is the hallmark of co-dependency - when what others think of you shapes how you think of you. Don't be lead by this - be lead by what you believe to be strength, conviction, confidence, and growth. Benevolence is part of strength. Do what demonstrates your character and your integrity.

All of this is more important then whether you text back or not.

Let the decision be driven by the character and our strength.

[KtotheK]

Maybe a little    But that's OK. We're family.

You are pretty far from the breakup and the tools that helped you in the early stages of grieving, like avoidance (nc) are not the tools you want to live your life by. In the short term, avoidance is helpful while we clear our head and extract from the day to day contact. But, avoidance is fear. It is no way to live you life.

So if we let go on avoidance (no contact, fear) - what replaces it?  Contact? No!

What replaces it is strength, conviction, confidence, and growth.

When you look back and someone says what does it take to heal... .is the answer fear and avoidance?  :)oesn't sound too good does it. Strength, conviction, confidence, and growth - now that sounds right.

Worried about a recycle?  Why? You're not weak. She is not all powerful. The reality is that she is weak (BPD is a weakness) and you have to decide if your are going to claim strength or fear/avoidance. She doesn't threaten you anymore. No matter how beautiful or compassionate, you have lived thorough a relationship with her and you know how hard you two struggled. You would run from electricity if you got a shock - but you damn sure wouldn't stick your finger in a socket again.

Worried about what she thinks? This is the hallmark of co-dependency - when what others think of you shapes how you think of you. Don't be lead by this - be lead by what you believe to be strength, conviction, confidence, and growth. Benevolence is part of strength. Do what demonstrates your character and your integrity.

All of this is more important then whether you text back or not.

Let the decision be driven by the character and our strength.

Ok, so I was being a little sensitive ... .what you have written here has far more clarity and I understand and can agree with it. At the time of the apology text (2 and a bit months ago) I was not ready, strong ot capable of dealing with it and responding to it without still being attached and probably fearful and all the other things you mentioned. Now? I am at a point where maybe I could reply and be detached enough to not worry about another response. I appreciate I cannot live my life through avoidance and if I were to bump into her, well maybe then I could
Thank her for he apology and leave it exactly at that. 2-3 months ago I feared bumping into her (I'm being honest) because of the emotions it would stir in me and I have come a long way with the help of therapy. I feared going back (have done previously)  I do feel I have grown and have required some strength for me and why I found myself in that relationship.

I'm sorry if I was a bit quick to jump at your response ... .I will say your reply above does make sense - thank you 

[KtotheK]

Maybe a little   

Worried about what she thinks? This is the hallmark of co-dependency - when what others think of you shapes how you think of you. Don't be lead by this - be lead by what you believe to be strength, conviction, confidence, and growth. Benevolence is part of strength. Do what demonstrates your character and your integrity.

All of this is more important then whether you text back or not.

Let the decision be driven by the character and our strength.

I would like to add that back in January when I found out I'd been replaced (within a matter of 3-4 weeks) I sent a 'nice' text saying that I needed to move myself on and as best I could; that I wanted her to be happy and that I wasn't the person to leave things on bad terms. Basically I was saying that I realized that we were no longer together and she had the right to move herself on. I said I wanted her to be happy etc. I got a reply saying 'you don't know how much that message means '... .and more etc.
So what I'm seeing here is that I was being true to myself ? And showing benevolence and strength even at the early time when I was really hurting? But I wanted to be the person that I know I am? I did not reply to her response then,  and we then had 5 months of NC (where she then replaced for a second time with someone else!) until the apology text in June.

I was wobbly and triggered when I received it and her coming back a week later I found difficult.

Maybe skip, if I were to be contacted again by her, I think I might be able to be the person that I know I am and I think I may be able to demonstrate the growth I've gone through, to be able to respond, again in 'friendly' way as I did in January. I showed a good friend what I wanted to send in January and although they thought I was a bit crazy, they understood why I had to send the message i did.

I agree, you can't live with fear and avoidance but I guess you have to be at the point where you are indifferent and are sure of your feelings? That you truly have grown and gained strength to the point that you can own and have the capacity to just let go and move on.