Trying to move on, but it's been hard

[WhimsicalLogic]

I'm sure my story isn't much different from everyone else's, but it'll might feel good to write it out. My exBPDgf met in January at an event. Two weeks later I saw her at another event and we exchanged numbers. I had just gotten out of s relationship and I wasn't even thinking that it was something other than a new friend.  

By March we were texting daily and seeing each other at similar events here and there, but soon we were attending things together. I even told a friend of mine that if this is as far as our relationship goes, I'd be happy because I had never met anyone who clicked with so well and I didn't want to risk losing that friendship.

Our feelings had grown and by April, we took the plunge and became a couple. It was amazing. As cliche as it sounds, I found a best friend, then fell in love her. There were some signs she had underlying issues, but nothing abusive. Just mentions of fear of rejection, etc.

At the end of May, she broke it off. Out of nowhere. Said she loved me and cherished our friendship, but she couldn't continue. It was in the week following, still talking everyday, that she revealed her diagnosis to me. I was uneducated and defaulted to the hero role and tried to pull her back in so I could help shoulder the pain.

For much of the summer we would still communicate as the friends we were, but occasionally, when we would see each other, we immediately fell back into relationship mode. I was taken aback when she would mention something we planned to go to months in the future as if we weren't broken up. I was sucker and just went with it until she would break off contact again days later.

For the past few weeks, we talked about things we were doing to improve ourselves. In fact, she told me that she had just started therapy again. I was glad she trying to get the help she needs since I have learned that isn't not something I can fix. (I'm still working on being ok with that)

Then at the end of last week, she went silent again. This past week, she's been posting on social media about this new guy and how in love she is, etc, etc. She met him maybe 2 weeks ago. I'm not sure how I feel. Heartbroken? Yes. But not as much for the loss of her, but for the fear that this new relationship is taking the place of her focusing on herself. It tears me apart to see her in pain and I feel like this is her way of dealing with it rather than through therapy. I don't know, maybe that is just what I'm telling myself. I don't think I really feel jealous, as much as sorry for her.

I want her to heal. I would do anything to take the pain away, but I know that's not how it works.  I would love for her to work on herself while I'm doing the same and maybe we could reconnect as a healthier couple, but I'm trying not to hold out hope. It looks like she's going down the same path to treat her pain and it's killing me.

As for me, I'm dating again, but it's not the same. I'm not sure I'll even connect with someone on so many levels as I did with her. It's not possible for me to fall in love that quickly. It's going to be hard to feel that way again.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Tattered Heart]

Hi Whimsical,

Welcome to the boards. I'm sorry that things with your pwBPD have not worked out. Did something happen before she stopped talking to you? Have you tried to reach out to her? And if so, how did it go?

[WhimsicalLogic]

Thank you, Tattered Heart. Nothing specific happened, but I noticed she hadn't reached out in a few days (which was rare as we were still checking in a few times a day as we did before we became a couple), but after I saw her posting on social media about her new "love", I made the decision to not contact her first. I want to let her new relationship play it's course and not get involved. She needs to make her own decisions and if down the road, she wants to be a part of my life, we can discuss to what extend at that time. She's knows I love her and I would be there for her, but I'm also not going to serve as a backup plan and chase after her.

Im really struggling with the prospect that we'll never work out, but I'm trying my best to march forward with that being the most likely scenario. Any other scenario I'll deal with if our paths reconnect.

[once removed]

hi WhimsicalLogic, i want to join Tattered Heart and say

I made the decision to not contact her first. I want to let her new relationship play it's course and not get involved. She needs to make her own decisions and if down the road, she wants to be a part of my life, we can discuss to what extend at that time.

this is a great attitude coming from a place of strength, and its not unrealistic that it might play out the way you are hoping. i understand worrying that the relationship is distracting her from working on herself. it may simply be part of that journey. just as an example, after my exuBPD and i broke up, i went on to a couple of unhealthy/bad relationships in spite of what id learned. it turned out to be a catalyst for improving things about me, and it gave me more insight and clarity into them.

I would love for her to work on herself while I'm doing the same and maybe we could reconnect as a healthier couple, but I'm trying not to hold out hope.

this is also realistic, and practical. i think the course of action to take would be the same as if you wanted to detach from the relationship. it involves some level of emotional detachment (because if you get back together, it is best to look at it as a "new relationship", learning about BPD, and self improvement. you want to be a strong and attractive mate should she return. but you want to be that in general, not only because of her.

As for me, I'm dating again, but it's not the same. I'm not sure I'll even connect with someone on so many levels as I did with her. It's not possible for me to fall in love that quickly. It's going to be hard to feel that way again.

the dating world can look pretty crummy. find the things you enjoy about it, and what youre getting out of it. work on your skills, and try to approach it from the standpoint of just better getting to know a person. dont go into it with the expectation that things will be the same. be open to them being different.

remember, intensity and intimacy arent necessarily the same thing and intensity is not the strongest foundation for a long term relationship. your relationship got intense quickly. nothing inherently wrong with that, but the kind of love youre describing (trust, intimacy, connection), is built slowly and over time.

youve got self improvement on the table. what are you doing apart from dating?

[WhimsicalLogic]

Thanks, once removed!

I started therapy to address my role in the relationship. I'm trying to understand better what my needs are and what I'm looking for in life.

I'm also continuing to pursue my hobbies, which can be hard, since we shared a few. I need to find something that is just mine to focus on, but I haven't yet.

I fell off the gym wagon after things went south. While we were together, I was religious about working out, but I need to get back into that rhythm on a more consistent basis like I was when we were together.

Overall, I know what I need to do mentally, but emotionally, I still have my moments of self-doubt. It's a long game and I'm preparing myself for the improved me.

[once removed]

going by her history this current relationship may not be built to last.

are you in any sort of contact with her? social media friends? any upcoming chance to see her?

[WhimsicalLogic]

We are still connected on social media and there will be chances we run into each other since we have friends we made through our shared interests. That's how we met. In fact, there's at least one thing this weekend I know we were both invited to.

She actually sent me a message today to let me know a singer we both love just released a preview to his upcoming album. I thanked her, but didn't probe more. I'm not trying to cold, but I want to let her define how engaged she wants to be for now.

[once removed]

She actually sent me a message today to let me know a singer we both love just released a preview to his upcoming album. I thanked her, but didn't probe more. I'm not trying to cold, but I want to let her define how engaged she wants to be for now.

nicely done! she obviously thinks of you fondly, and enough to reach out. its good that you are still connected on some level. you have the opportunity to present that strong, confident, upbeat guy that she was originally attracted to, and its good to let her lead the engagement for now, you dont want to play all your cards. keep at it; if the opportunity presents itself youll be ready, and if not, youll have all of this to take with you into the future.

[WhimsicalLogic]

Thanks! I'm going to try my best to remain cautiously optimistic and practice the level of patience I think she needs.

[WhimsicalLogic]

Update: She didn't attend the event we were both invited to, but I'm not surprised. By the looks of social media, her new relationship is ebbing and flowing a little, but I'm concerned by the darkness of some of her recent posts. I know it's not my place anymore, but I can't help but worry about if she's ok. It's very hard for me to disconnect from someone I care that much about. I'm resisting the urge to reach out (I have a feeling that it wouldn't help even in the best case scenario), but it's eating at me. Every fiber of me wants to tell her I'm here if she needs, but that behavior pushed her away in our relationship before I knew what I was dealing with.

I having trouble focusing today because all of my thoughts are on her and how she's doing. I know this isn't healthy, so I figured I'd post an update here to see if that gets some of it off my chest. I hate this helpless feeling when someone I love appears in trouble.

[once removed]

I figured I'd post an update here to see if that gets some of it off my chest. I hate this helpless feeling when someone I love appears in trouble.

good move. what do you think is going on with her?

[WhimsicalLogic]

I can't really pinpoint it, it's just a feeling I'm having. The tone of the posts have a darkness to them that only come up when she's in these funks of feeling unworthy and invisible. I'm probably overanalyzing it. I'm having trouble truly disconnecting myself. It's something about my personality that I'm working on, but it'll take some time. Thanks for reading/replying. It helps to not keep these things inside. And certainly not to act on them with her right now.