Strategies for a normal life

[RolandOfEld]

Dear all, I'm starting this thread as a place to share long + short term strategies for achieving the normal life we all want with our pwBPD. This could be success stories / strategy sharing from members who have already achieved it or those like me still deep in the process. All insights are very welcomed.

My situation and strategy: my wife mentioned she thought she might have BPD almost 3 months ago. Since learning what BPD and seeing the truth of our relationship, I've been working to set boundaries one by one and doing my best to cope with the conflict / extinction bursts that follow (divorce threats, suicide threats, disappearing for a day, disappearing with the kids, stealing my phone, etc). When she goes back to baseline, I try to keep things stable as long as I can to allow myself time to recover. My hope is that when I've finally removed all of the original supports, she'll gain enough awareness of her problems to seek help.

Of course the end game is treatment for her. The hospital nearest to us has an excellent program with doctors specifically trained in BPD treatment and that offer DBT training. The counselors I have spoken with privately all encouraged me to take her in to couple's therapy as a route to getting her in front of a counselor. After an especially bad recent episode settled down, she agreed, and we went for the first time this weekend. I was able to meet with the counselor - whom I've known for 9 years - beforehand and alert her to the situation. She is very understanding and willing to help get my wife to where she needs to be. But my wife doesn't think the counseling is worth the high cost and I'm not sure she will continue going right now.

I thought we might be close to the solution with the counseling this time, but it seems to be just another step on a very long road. I love and believe in my wife and I am willing to go on for quite a few more years as long as I see her making progress towards seeking help. I believe she is aware to a large degree, especially since she originally self diagnosed, but I understand its like a horrible giant monster behind a curtain for her. Seeing it all at once would drive her insane, but if she draws the curtain back slowly, she may be able to accept little by little.   

In the meantime, I mean to live my life as fully as I can instead of waiting for some perfect future day. I will enjoy the time we have when she is her usual self and try not to be so shocked when she changes suddenly. I will do my best to cope with chaos and work on my own issues to give my children at least one stable parent. When its too much, I will call a help line or come here, or have a good cry in the shower or exercise out the negative feelings. I will relish the small things and keep developing as a person.

Looking forward to hearing from others on how you're working on taking your life back. 

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Tattered Heart]

When its too much, I will call a help line or come here, or have a good cry in the shower or exercise out the negative feelings. I will relish the small things and keep developing as a person.

I would suggest that you don't just come here when things are too hard. Stay here. Post here often. Help others find new ways of approaching their pwBPD. It was in the "things are going smooth" times that I got the most out of this board. I had the space to begin working on and planning my responses to my pwBPD. I could REALLY begin to study and use the resources, communication skills, and self reflection when he was not dysregulating, which gave me practice so when he did dysregulate I could handle it better.

And it's made a huge difference. He is currently working himself into a cycle of high stress, emotion, and anxiety. I can see that he is feeling lots of rejection. I'm concerned and annoyed by it but because I have tools available to help me, I'm not distraught, like I would have been months ago.

What kind of things are you doing for personal growth during the quiet times?

To answer you question though, I am at the point where I am fine-tuning my reactions. The communication skills have become much easier and natural. I rarely walk on egg shells and that has put me in a great place. I'm beginning to look at my own issues as I've realized that now that my H is mostly stabilized, I have real issues with anxiety that turns to impatience and then anger. Before I could say that I was anxious/angry because of him. Now I see that it's not him, but me.

[RolandOfEld]

Thank you so much for your sharing, Tattered Heart. I think you put into great perspective how much space we as Nons we have on our side to change and control the situation. Realizing that I didn't have to give in to everything my wife demanded while dysregulating and that she couldn't control me has given me a huge boost in confidence and courage. Right now I'm focusing on Radical Acceptance. I can't accept the situation as it is forever, but I can at least face the reality that my wife has this illness and that I can still love her in spite of it. And that I can still find happiness and enjoyment.

I should mention I didn't mean I would only come here when things are bad, but that when things are bad the forum is one of the places I can turn. I'm in a quiet period right now and like you so aptly suggested I'm stockpiling strength and skills for the next episode, which is one of the reasons I started this thread. I'm picking up writing again and actually setting goals for myself that don't have to do with my wife's BPD. 

You mentioned your husband is mostly stabilized. Is that largely in part to your adjusting how you react to him or has he sought some help for himself as well?

[waverider]

I think one of the concepts you have to change is "back to normal". What you think of as normal is most likely alien to her and represents playing a part to conform. This is typical in the early years but becomes harder for a pwBPD as time passes, hence why they seem to become worse as the strain for them overwhelms them and they start to self loathe for not keeping up the "normal" facade.

What you are really aiming for is a new non toxic level of interaction which is less stressful for the both of you. This may still be somewhat dysfunctional compared to what you may think as being "normal". This will be different for everyone and it is your task now to work out just how you can modify your expectations and levels of acceptance to find this "safer ground". That is you will have to change you first, this changes the environment which hopefully influences her choices. You cant directly change her

[RolandOfEld]

Thank you, waverider this is a tremendous insight for me. I think I've been tiptoeing around this in my own thoughts and you put it into words that reflect exactly what I feel. I used to think that after the dysregulation episode was over she "turned off the BPD" and went back to her "normal" self until the next trigger. But recently I've been finding myself even more anxious during the "normal" periods than the bad ones. I think its because I sense her stress as she struggles to be the perfect wife and the perfect mom until BOOM, she's off again and all the fragile peace in our home is shattered. There is no normal her because she doesn't have a stable sense of identity, and if the awareness of her issues is triggered, maybe by a remark from me taken the wrong way, she dysregulates and fights to regain control of me and force me to assert her normality.

She has expressed to me, in ok moods and bad, how much everything rests on how I communicate with her. A few days ago I was able to calm a gathering storm by adjusting the way I communicated my thoughts, without admitting to any real faults in myself. By validating and expressing myself carefully, I can problem avoid smaller breakdowns erupting into huge ones. But the big ones will still come when I have to assert a major boundary, and its how I stand during these conflicts that will determine our future as a family.

You had another excellent insight about the environment. I can't change her, but by creating an environment that's at once loving but also firm in terms of boundaries, she will have no choice but to change in order to survive. I have been trying this over the past few months and I believe some progress has been made.
 

[Tattered Heart]

Right now I'm focusing on Radical Acceptance. I can't accept the situation as it is forever, but I can at least face the reality that my wife has this illness and that I can still love her in spite of it. And that I can still find happiness and enjoyment.

Getting to the point of radically accepting can really be helpful. I think waverider makes a good point. One way that I've found that helps me get to Radical Acceptance (I go through brief phases where I have to accept things again) is to redefine what "normal" is for my relationship. I know that my H may not be capable of being anxiety free, calm, or patient so to expect that as normal would be a disservice to both of us.

My normal looks like my H not being emotionally or verbally abusive. It looks like us having conversations about our emotions without yelling. It looks like me enjoying going home to him instead of dreading it. It also means that I feel safe to share my issues with him in a way that he can understand and that I am not walking on egg shells. When these things are in place I know that we are doing well.

I'm in a quiet period right now and like you so aptly suggested I'm stockpiling strength and skills for the next episode, which is one of the reasons I started this thread. I'm picking up writing again and actually setting goals for myself that don't have to do with my wife's BPD. 

I think this will be very helpful for you. It takes the focus off her behavior and looks at your own. I'm going to do the same for myself this week. When you get those figured out would you be comfortable sharing them with us?

You mentioned your husband is mostly stabilized. Is that largely in part to your adjusting how you react to him or has he sought some help for himself as well?

I do attribute quite a bit of it to the changes I've made in my reaction to him. I stopped being scared of him and walking on egg shells. I would just pick one of the workshops and began to practice it. Sometimes it would go well, other times it wouldn't. When it didn't go well, I'd look at the scenario for how I may have strayed from the communication skill. The next time I would fix what I didn't get right and go from there. Once I began to feel confident in that skill, I'd add a new one in.

At the same time, my H had a bit of a breakdown a few months ago. He had agreed to get DBT but then did not follow through but we began watching some videos about DBT skills together and he has been very open and receptive to those. I see him working on some of those skills, but often he realizes he needs to use them after I've used one of my skills. These last few months have been some of the best we've ever communicated in 13 years of marriage and it's great.

I think it's normal to feel stress during the calm periods. Your past experiences have taught you that the calm is not a period of peace but the calm before the next storm. It causes an uneasiness because you are always looking for the next trigger. It was in the calm moments that I realized how much I walked on egg shells in order to prevent another storm. Since there is no "normal" her, what does "normal" you look like?

[I_Am_The_Fire]

Tattered Heart, you wrote

"Radical Acceptance (I go through brief phases where I have to accept things again)"

This resonates with me. My ex and I have been divorced for almost two years now. He's uBPD\NPD which I feel can be a real double whammy at times. I find myself having to go through periods of radical acceptance every now and then when he does or says something that catches me off guard and I feel really angry about it (sometimes triggered). Then I have to remind myself that this is how he is. Chances are he won't change unless he seeks therapy and actively works on himself. Right now he blames me for pretty much everything, it seems. It's a long complicated story. Basically, he was emotionally abusive and still is. I think that's from the NPD. I didn't realize his BPD tendendcies until after we were divorced. Knowing all this helps me to disengage from his "tantrums". It took time and practice and I'm getting better at it.

I think it's really great that you all are working on and having successes in your relationships. I'm in trauma therapy and it's been doing wonders for me for the last several years.

What has been helping me lately is letting a close friend intercept my ex's emails. We then discuss the important things (if anything - i.e., about the kids) and come up with a gray rock response which he then posts for me. Reading my ex's emails tends to trigger me in really bad ways. He's still emotionally abusive and it's hard for me to not get triggered by it. My therapist agrees I'm not ready for reading his emails yet. I still have a lot of healing to do. 

I'm also working on my issues with my therapist. I'm currently reading "The Betrayal Bond" by Patrick Carnes. I haven't gotten very far in it yet but I like it so far. I'm learning just how much I was traumatized in my past and just how much it affected my life and why and so on.

My old "normal" was not good. I put up with abuse. My new normal includes setting and reinforcing manageable personal boundaries not only with my ex but with everyone in my life. It feels good. I'm codependent and it feels good when I finally stopped managing people's emotions. I'm also working on not being passive-aggressive anymore. It really helps that I feel I'm now in a safe environment with my BF and kids where I don't need to do these things anymore. I can voice my opinion and how I feel without feeling threatened. No more walking on eggshells for me!

[Mustbeabetterway]

RolandofEld,

The best thing that I have done is work on myself. Although, in my opinion, the best thing would be if my husband did not have such a temper and was less emotionally volatile.  Try as I might, I couldn't change him.  

When I first acknowledged that my behavior was part of the problem, I had no idea what boundaries were, let alone how to set them.  I have worked long and hard on defining who I am, what my values are, and how to achieve the kind of life that I desire.  I have defined my core values and set about protecting those values with boundaries.
Also, I have learned to be a better validater.  My uBPD husband complained, griped, raged so much that I began to tune him out in self defense.  Slowly, I have opened up more to him.  This was hard because it made me vulnerable.  But, as I said earlier, I had spent a lot of time learning how to set boundaries and once I learned how to set boundaries, opening up was less scary. With boundaries, I am less vulnerable.   I realized that I invalidated him by being on my ipad a lot when he was in the room.   Also, I often stay busy to avoid my own anxiety.   I would busily exit the room while he was talking.  I know now how that was a trigger for him and rude of me.  I have made a practice of being open to him by just being present and not preoccupied for blocks of time when we were together.  I notice my body language and try to be welcoming instead of defensive or dismissive.

 One sort of simple thing is to make a list of self-soothers.  I have a list of things that bring me joy, make me feel healthier or cared for or just make me smile.  I try to do at least one of these each day.  For example, I like to list 3 things that went well today when I go to bed.  I don't do this everyday, just when I have time or feel like it.  Sometimes I don't write them down, just go over them mentally.  So it's not a burden, but an uplifting activity.  Another thing is yoga stretches.  These don't cost anything, but make me feel better.  Also, spending time with my dog.  He likes it and so do I.  It's a win win.  You get the idea.  Some simple things for yourself.

I hope this helps.  Best wishes, Mustbe

 

[RolandOfEld]

Thank you, all, I never imagined what a treasure trove of valuable advice this thread would become!

Tattered Heart, my normal would be no extreme things going on in the home in front of the kids, like wife disappearing, falsely accusing me of hitting her to our son, week long silent treatments, etc. Arguments or heated discussions that don't really need to be so can fall under normal, even if its not for other couples. Actually, I'm starting to think I have some control over how often or to what degree these things happen based on how I communicate with her.

Yes I will certainly share my goals, but the shortlist includes blogging regularly again, continuing to double down on exercising, and repairing my relationship with my brother.

I am blown over by the idea of watching DBT videos together as an alternative to therapy. Could you please share the links? If I can introduce them to her as a mutual communication tool rather than directly addressing her BPD. I'm sure I could learn a lot from them as well for myself.

I_Am_The_Fire, thank you for sharing your experience and sorry you're still struggling after the divorce. I'm with you 100% on the codependency issues. My wife's BPD traits finally helped me to see them in myself, too.

Mustbe thank you for your great insights on boundaries, which resonated with me a lot. I've even begun to discover how my difficulties setting boundaries extend to my relationship with my kids. And I can see that even if my wife's reactions are excessive, I do have bad habits in our communication that set her off when it's not necessary. When the other person has a mental illness, its easy to lose sight of our own responsibility in conflicts only because their reaction is so magnified. And we can still open up to them even though it's not easy, as long as we don't allow them to hurt us.

By the way, I'll be on holiday starting from tomorrow and since I don't sign on the forum from home, it might be few days before my next reply.

[walkinthepark247]

I’ve always been fascinated by Zen Buddhist teachings on the here and now. Here are two quotes that I read recently.

“Drink your tea slowly and reverently, as if it is the axis on which the world earth revolves - slowly, evenly, without rushing toward the future.”
- Thich Nhat Hanh

"Flow with whatever may happen and let your mind be free: Stay centered by accepting whatever you are doing. This is the ultimate."
- Chuang

I admit that I got caught up a great deal with bitterness at my spouse. Why can’t she just act normal? I also got hyper-focused on getting her “help” that I let go of myself and lost focus on my own needs. With the help of a new therapist, I am trying to work through this. My therapist has helped me to accept that I may never have that lovey-dovey type of relationship with my wife. The relationship I always dreamed of. That’s not an easy pill to swallow. But, it has helped me to accept the reality of the here and now. My daughters aren’t getting any younger. In a few years, they will likely not want to spend as much time with me. My father has had multiple heart attacks. I am blessed to have just spent Christmas with him.

If we want to remain in our relationship with the BPD (diagnosed or not), we have to accept our present situation. That does not mean that we accept abuse or do anything about it. For me, I have to accept that my spouse will only truly get help when she wants it. And, she may never be fully healed. I must accept that reality. She doesn’t recognize a problem now. At least, she is fighting it. In the meantime, life goes on.

One area of true improvement for me would be to raise these issues with my spouse during the “normal/calmer” periods. Instead, I continue to tiptoe during the more calm times simply because I don’t want to rock the boat.

Recently, I have also made clear to my wife that I fully intend to seek love and support from family and friends. That was a boundary that I set. In the past, I felt extremely isolated. She has made disparaging remarks about “go and run to your mommy and daddy.”. I do not feel badly about reaching out to family whatsoever. I have also made it clear to my wife that I intend to seek their love and support. At the same time, I do not intend to denigrate my spouse. At least, I do not see it as denigration. Rather, I just need love and support to deal with the extremely bad times. There is nothing to be apologetic with about that. This has remained a difficult subject. I was texting my friend the other eve about some books we liked. Nothing to do with my wife or mental illness. She burst into the room and said “I see you’re talking to someone about your insane wife! Unreal!”. I simply said, “nope, I’m talking to an old friend”. In the past, I would have tried to explain more. I let the outrageous statements just kind of hang out there for her to deal with.

As I’ve said in other threads, my wife almost always tries to sabotage family trips. My kids love them. In the past, I would cancel plans (or not even plan) because of my wife’s moods. I cannot allow myself or the kids to be held hostage to that any longer. With this last trip for Christmas, I simply said “you are free to stay home, but I am taking the kids”. This was because she was complaining over and over about the trip. She threw quite a tantrum when I said this. But, she ended up apologizing later that day. She did complain several times during the trip, but I always deflected. “Yes, you have stated that several times now. You have said your piece and I acknowledge your statement. Now, which one of you kids wants to go play in the snow.”

[RolandOfEld]

Thank you walkinthepark247, the quotes are very inspiring as is your experience.

Right now I have been focused on radical acceptance of two things, one, that my wife has this illness and it is there even when I don't see it, and two, that I truly love her in spite of it, and that I did not fall in love with her because I was sick myself. This allows me to give sincere love instead of the nervous, oftentimes fake love I gave to keep her from getting angry. I am also trying to accept, like you, that my relationship is not normal, at least not in the way of couples who don't struggle with mental illness. Like you, I am trying to cherish the good moments and not take the bad ones as an insult on reality, because they are a part of my reality, too.

The couples therapy didn't take this time, which means therapy on a whole will not take this time. She says that people from my country run to their therapists for every little problem. She's not ready. I'm OK with that. I'm going to follow with TatteredHeart's excellent suggestion of learning about DBT (for myself) and then sharing with my wife. If I'm using it for me, I think she will be more open.

I understand so well about not wanting to rock the boat during calm times. We need that calm time to preserve our sanity. I see it as a form of self care. But you're right that we do need to use them to try to bring up important issues.

My wife's sore point is my family. She doesn't want to talk to some of them, though others she has a good relationship with. She's OK with me talking to those she doesn't like (or so she says), but doesn't want me to let the kids see them right now. She feels like I use them to make my relationship with those family members better. They say pwBPD can be very intuitive about these things, and I think there is some truth in what she says. I'm going to face that first. The fact that I already insist on talking to that family has put a clear boundary in place and I think she respects it now. Kudos to you to setting that boundary about giving your kids a good time. It's so important.

A small communications breakthrough this weekend. A small argument about the above. She buried herself in bed, saying I cared more about my family than her. I went in, told her how much I cared about her, and asked her if I could get her a small treat to show it (she told me recently this helps her  calm down, and I don't see it as a bad compromise to restore piece). The second I said that, she took my hand and said "Thank you for trying." Everything was fine after that. It may be the pwBPD's responsibility to learn to control their emotions, but we are still their partners and should show them love in the way that they want it sometimes. And if it helps us get closer, I say its OK.     

[ortac77]

I used to have an image of what a normal life looked like, perhaps there are even some who enjoy one but the very definition of normal is perhaps like the 'shifting sands' as we go through life the patterns change and we need learn to change with them.

With BPD however I am not sure that the patterns do change for the sufferer? Like others during periods of relative calm I have thought things were getting better, the radical truth I am still struggling to accept is that this is just the calm before the storm. I too have hesitated to raise important issues during those relative calm periods and thus of course then leave myself vulnerable during the periods of emotional dysregulation.

I don't know if my partners dysregulation is typical, but it is always rooted in 'the past' coupled with distortions of reality. Using SET may help but usually results in the charge (temper) of "you don't understand" - this of course (for me) is true - I understand that he is in pain but (to me) that pain is in his own head and does not have an external cause.

Sure I get the blame, "I should have/shouldn't have" insert whatever ... .

It occurs to me now that this is the wrong strategy, I do need to address things during the calm periods whilst detaching during the dysregulation - also that I have not best managed my own self-care. I am really not too sure of my way forward at the moment, internal conflict - probably the closest I can get to what it feels like to have BPD! What I do know is that it is time for me to re-evaluate and it is so helpful to read others experiences and ideas

Happy New Year

[an0ught]

Hi RolandOfEld,

have you worked through "The high conflict couple"? It is a book that is written in a non-triggering way (if memory serves right deliberately without a single mention of BPD) and focuses on validation. There are some exercises that can be done together. It is a bit wordy but rock solid information, for more info check our book section

Take good care of yourself,

a0

PS: No commissions are earned, site is donation funded

[walkinthepark247]

I’ve really enjoyed this thread.

Someone in this thread said that their spouse or significant other discounted therapy because of cultural reasons. I deal with the same exact thing all the time. My wife and I are not from the same country or continent. She tends to discount mental health help as some kind of kooky American obsession. So, any talk that includes the acronym BPD or mental health help is immediately shot down. “You’re the one who is crazy, not me”. In fact, it’s a trigger.

I must make clear that I have not ever suggested a diagnosis for her. Rather, I have pleaded with her many times in the past to seek qualified help. It’s never gone anywhere with the pleading.

As I’ve written here and in other threads, I became very focused on getting a diagnosis for my wife for some time. I know what I see on a day-to-day basis. I have been married to this person we have kids. Truth be told, I’m the only one who really sees it. So, I feel that I am qualified to at least point out consistent patterns of concerning (sometimes extremely violent) and erratic behavior.

When we last went to couples counseling, the counselor just did not get it. In fact, it really made the situation worse and I felt demoralized afterwards. The counselor seemed to hold the belief that only women could be abused. It was very old-fashioned. When I tried to explain some of the violence exhibited against me, the counselor asked what I did to trigger the violence. It felt like I was being told to watch my mouth or I'd deserve it. Very bizarre! Some of the things that counselor said are still being rubbed in my face months after the fact. I stopped going and will never return to that person again. There was no talk whatsoever of “gee, maybe you shouldn’t punch and/or kick your spouse in front of the kids (or ever)”.

There is been a bit of a breakthrough in my relationship. My wife told me that she is started seeing a new therapist. At first, she had this from me. She opened up the other night with me and said that the new therapist has her keeping a journal and working on mindfulness exercises daily. The key emphasis is on mindfulness and meditation. My wife has told me that the last therapist she was working with didn’t have any kind of structure. It was just complaining about what a horrible rotten person I was for an hour each week. At least, that’s my understand based on the conversations with my wife. She would come home very keyed up after those appts. The new therapist even seems to be checking in on her frequently. So, does it really matter if I get that BPD diagnosis if my wife is taking steps to improve herself? We shall see.

I really like the suggestion of the High-Conflict Couple book. I’m definitely going to check that out because I do not see BPD referenced anywhere in the review. That’s exactly what I need in my situation. All the books that I’ve read so far have BPD in the title. My wife found my secret stash of BPD books and went ballistic. Keep in mind that the books I’ve been reading are about improving the relationship. So, I’m certainly open to trying methods to address the concerning behavior without having to reference BPD.

[RolandOfEld]

It's been a fascinating to watch how this thread has evolved. I began it by looking for how to achieve a "normal life", but the consensus has rather been learning to accept what is not normal and how to find peace with it. Huge thanks to everyone for their sharing thus far.

ortac77  it also has been hard for me to accept that what I used to see as "normal periods" are usually just the calm before the storm and that there is no normal for our pwBPD. They are always engaging with reality differently than us and what we see as calm might actually be a constant internal struggle to fit the role of normal.

an0ught and walkinthepark247 let me share my thoughts about communicating with our partners on their BPD-related issues. an0ught first thank you for the book suggestion and I've already downloaded a free preview. I really like the fact that it doesn't reference BPD directly, because I personally think we communicate with our loved ones in more ambiguous terms, since BPD can be a label, and a painful one. walkinthepark247 I was fighting for that diagnosis, too, but in the end I think it may be her that has to seek it. Sounds like you and your wife are on a good course. 

For example, at our first (and possibly last) couples counseling session, instead of launching into all the terrible things my wife had done while dysregulating, I instead started by gently expressing that I was uncomfortable with how quickly the tone of our conversations could change. In other words, I started with something small  so that my wife could better accept it. If I went right into how she disappeared for a day or falsely accused me of hitting her in front of the kids, she would have torn right out of the room. I think they need to be led to the realization gently and over time. walkinthepark247 I think your wife's counselor is doing the right thing by starting with mindfulness. This will definitely help your wife with her BPD without filling her with shame about being mentally ill. That said, we do need to be the ones to tell them when their behavior steps out of line and set boundaries as you mentioned. 

Above all, unless it's escalated to the point of true danger for them or us, we need to be partners in the process rather than demanding our loved ones go into treatment. Another group member recommended some excellent DBT videos (https://www.youtube.com/user/dbtworks) to me to use for myself and then share with my wife, which I will do. But as the videos reference BPD directly, I will probably start with these videos that discuss DBT outside of the context of (BPD https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yyH1JLZcVR8)

 

[RolandOfEld]

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