Coping

[donnarrdh]

My soon to be 21 yo daughter I believe to be BPD. She had been attending DBT until the last few months and stopped. She attends college away from home, but has not consistently attended class, almost losing her financial aid and has not been the least bit self supporting. My husband and I are at our wit's end and have gradually begun to distance ourselves from her both emotionally and financially. I am conflicted as to what the best response to her is - I'm afraid it is affecting my health and well-being.
D

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Huat]

Hello Donnarrdh and welcome!

Seems life was so much easier when our children were little people and we had the ability to save them from harm... .pick them up and then set those tiny feet off on a path we just knew was the better one for them.

Your daughter is soon to be 21 and she is well on the road into adulthood... .no longer that little person who needed and looked to you for guidance.  She is now the one in control of her life and she alone is the one who is to take responsibility for any choices she makes.  Could be a lot of her resistance to you is her way of wanting her life to be HER life.

Reading between the lines, it sounds like you and your husband have worked hard to influence her decision making... .always wanting to save her from harm... .always wanting her to take that "better" path.  You love her!  Be confident in knowing you have done your best as parents... .and you will continue to do so.

You write... ."my husband and I are at our wit's end and have gradually begun to distance ourselves from her both emotionally and financially".  Hey!  That is not a bad thing!   As we age and our children age, our parenting roles have to change and you are in that healthy process. 

Perhaps now is the time for you and your husband to take the weight off of your shoulders... .and let her carry her own weight.  As hard as it may be for you to watch, let her experience life and let her experience her consequences (good or bad).  In a kind and matter-of-fact way, you could convey that to her.  That is not to say you are walking away from being her parents.  Setting up boundaries would be very helpful.

Have you and your husband ever had... .or considered... .counselling for yourselves on how to better deal with your daughter?

I think many (if not all) of us who participate on this forum will tell you they envisioned a completely different scenario from the one they are living through now with their offspring.   Those were dreams... .and this is reality.  Life can still be good... .just different.

I so understand when you write that your health and well-being are being affected.  Mine was too.  It took work... .lots of work!... .to get to the point where I started making changes.  (Lots and lots of info on this website!)  At present, family life with my daughter is not ideal and it may never be... .but I am okay!  While I do allow the occasional tear to fall (I am a Mom!)... .I have been able to open myself up to other aspects in my life and find enjoyment.

I wish you and your husband well, Donnarrdh.  I so hope you will feel comfortable enough to keep posting and sharing with the rest of us as we learn from each other.