What is this all about now?

[Coconut2017]

Hi all,

I have been lurking on this board for some time now without posting whilst trying to figure out what to do next with my own life.
During past few months the usual was happening at home - from rage attacks/recycles ever 1-2 weeks where he tells me to get out and everything that has gone bad for him is my fault to declaring undying love and support no matter what.
Unfortunately my own physical and emotional health really started to suffer. I had a bad relapse with an autoimmune condition out of blue as I had not relapsed for over 10 years. And then my T told me that I am displaying all signs of breakdown. Not great. I tried really hard to keep it all together but clearly my life has become unmanageable and if I don't make any drastic changes, the future does not appear to be bright.

So on Thursday I told my H what my T said. He was in a good and positive mood and came back to me 'we'll fix it', however, two days later he sits me down and tells me that he is aware that he made my life living hell and is taking full responsibility for it. He said he was aware of it for some time and tried to change but because of what mental state he is in right now, he cannot help his emotions and because he loves me so much, he is admitting that I should leave to rebuild my life because with him I would just sink deeper.
He also told me that despite his angry spouts telling me to get out, he never means it and will never leave me or get a divorce but he wants me to seriously think about leaving him and make a right decision for myself and my son.
Next morning he wakes up telling me that there is really no point for him to get up as he has nothing to look forward to anymore.
In reality his life is really awful right now - he lost his business, his friends, his reputation. A lot of horrible things happened and all in the last 2 years. I am full of sympathy but he is not helping himself... .

What is this all about? Moment of clarity? Reverse psychology? I did not know how to respond. I tried to validate him and lift his spirits up. However, I am not sure what to expect next. Any ideas?

[Frankee]

Welcome to the forum.  I have found this site to be a safe haven from my turbulent relationship.  What you are going through sounds like my current situation.  I've been told everything from... I hate you and you are the reason I feel this way and I can't be with you all the way on the other side of... I love you and there is no one else for me, I am not going to love someone else... bounced over to... .I'm going to find another wife, someone else for the kids to call mommy aaand back to... .there's your mommy, go to your mommy, take care of the baby, you love your mommy... .so yes... whiplash right here from this yo-yo ride.

My SO also told me once that he was done and it would be better if I found someone else, I would be happier with someone else, somebody that wasn't angry all the time because he doesn't know why he's angry.  It's the thing where they say "I hate you, don't leave me".  He doesn't handle stress well at all.  When something happens that doesn't go as he planned or a hiccup happens, he snaps.  Blames everything on me.  The like today... he's been absolutely fine.  Hasn't yelled, every time he's called he's been cordial and polite... .

I wish there was a straight forward answer on is it clarity, reverse psychology, attempt to change... unfortunately there is no clear answer.  Just when I thin I have my BPD husband pegged at what he'll do next, he switches it up.  He constantly has me thrown off guard.  I relax on the days he does good and let my guard down... sometimes I regret doing so because something usually happens that snaps me back on anxiety mode.

I have begun to notice patterns.  Personally, if you want to try to work it out, observe him.  Study him, his reactions, triggers, try to see behind the word to the emotions.  I've been trying to notice patterns.  Also changing my habits or things I do that he has made clear he does not appreciate.  Now while I can't always making him happy, there are little things I can do that seem to have diffused some previous repeated fights.

If your not sure, maybe stay and take mental notes and try to notice the small things.  Just don't jeopardize your health.  Always make sure you are taking care of yourself as well.  Best of luck.

[Coconut2017]

I wish there was a straight forward answer on is it clarity, reverse psychology, attempt to change... unfortunately there is no clear answer.  Just when I thin I have my BPD husband pegged at what he'll do next, he switches it up.  He constantly has me thrown off guard.  I relax on the days he does good and let my guard down... sometimes I regret doing so because something usually happens that snaps me back on anxiety mode.

Thanks for your reply.

You are right - there is never any clear answer with BPD.
One thing is very clear though - I am terribly unhappy and the impact on me of this marriage of 2 years is enormous - physically and emotionally.
My T is keep asking me what is holding me back from leaving and why I keep punishing myself by staying as the good days are now very very rare. My answer was always that I am co-dependant and scared of being abandoned and alone, however, she made a very good point - what I am scared of already happened - I already feel alone and unsupported.

I made plans to leave so many times. I even have a ready place to go to but when it comes to taking that final step, I cannot bring myself to do it. I feel like I have no energy to go through with it.

[Cat Familiar]

I keep punishing myself by staying as the good days are now very very rare.

Have you heard of the concept of "intermittent reinforcement"? Think of people who play slot machines. Rarely do they get a win, but even getting a small payout once in a while keeps them playing.

This is a very important concept in animal training, a world I'm more able to understand than human behavior, but it also works with us too.

As an example, I have been dealing with a marauding raccoon. I've trapped and relocated over a dozen raccoons, but there is still at least one that is too smart to get into the trap, no matter how tempting the bait.

So what I must do is close cat doors at dusk to keep the raccoon from entering various buildings on the property and helping himself to the cat food. (I presume it's a he--because I've only seen one raccoon--though there may be more).

There's been a few times that I was away from home and didn't close the cat doors in time and the raccoon got in. Perhaps twice in the last year. Even with very slim odds that there will be bowls of cat kibble available, this raccoon still comes around. I know this because he frequently gets the outdoor water bowls dirty.

It's the same for us when we hope, against all odds, that our pwBPD will demonstrate that sweet loving behavior that initially lured us in. Some of us have better reinforcement schedules: our loved ones are much nicer on a regular basis. With others, like my relationship with my ex husband, those nice times were maybe 7%. With my present husband, particularly after me learning the Rules, I say I'm on a 50% reinforcement schedule.

So don't beat yourself up for expecting things to be different--it's human (and animal) nature to hope for the best. Just decide what percentage of reinforcement works for you.

[Coconut2017]

I keep punishing myself by staying as the good days are now very very rare.

Have you heard of the concept of "intermittent reinforcement"? Think of people who play slot machines. Rarely do they get a win, but even getting a small payout once in a while keeps them playing.

It's the same for us when we hope, against all odds, that our pwBPD will demonstrate that sweet loving behavior that initially lured us in. Some of us have better reinforcement schedules: our loved ones are much nicer on a regular basis. With others, like my relationship with my ex husband, those nice times were maybe 7%. With my present husband, particularly after me learning the Rules, I say I'm on a 50% reinforcement schedule.

So don't beat yourself up for expecting things to be different--it's human (and animal) nature to hope for the best. Just decide what percentage of reinforcement works for you.

Cat Familiar has a very good point regarding intermittent reinforcement. For a long time I kept hoping that something will happen and he will get back to being the same person I met 3 years ago. I kept chasing the dream... .a lot has happened since then. I know he is not the same person and never will be, he knows it and admits it too. He keeps telling me he is broken. So there is zero chance that things will get better.
We all know the definition of insanity - keep doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different result!  I kept hoping, trying, bending backwards and things never got better, only worse to the point where it is breaking me.

Some weeks ago a I met my best friend's mother and her 2nd husband. She told me her story. After 20 years of suffering in emotionally and physically abusive relationship she found strength to walk out. Her second marriage is now approaching 10 years and is wonderful. She tell me that a good relationship should be 80% of good days and she is regretting she did not walk out sooner... .