Just realized mom is BPD - I'm 50

[Our abuse recovery guide]

I just realized that my mom is likely a BPD. I'm 50.  She's high functioning. No one would have a clue about this except her inner most family members. She only rages at us, me, her daughter, and my dad.  My brother was the "good one" but he left the family due to an unstable wife who I also think has BPD. He can never do wrong, BTW, though he has treated her horribly. I always do wrong (but truly don't feel I am what she makes me out to be).

She was highly successful in life and knew when to turn on and turn off her BPD to hide it. She was good at manipulation to keep me blind--always using the FOG to get me. She played on my emotions big time!  She always said how ethical she is, how she is honest and fair!  Brainwashing.  She always put on a good front, but when I look back, it's all there. She was never warm, she did what was required and no more. I was clueless. And she is convinced my brother's wife is a BPD, and I believe it she is, too. My mom is educated and well read. I knew about BPD, too, but only knew of the low-functioning types--not the high. I never made the connection until this month that there are high-functioning BPDs. I wonder if my mom ever did. She read Randi's book years ago!

In the past 10 years, since I've found myself and had some success, she's become intolerable.  Out of the blue, she started accusing me of having to be right (I could careless). She started calling me a liar with regularity. I didn't lie. She told me I must hate her by the way I treat her. I treated her better than any other friend I know treats their parents by a landslide. I was blown away. It made no logical sense. I bent over backwards for her. While she always raged and had a temper, she never cut me off and walked out of my life and ceased communication and demanded I apologize before!  But she started out of the blue, and I tried to make it work. She had a horrible childhood of death (both parents) and abandonment by siblings at 14. She was left alone in a country by herself. She overcame. She succeeded but she always had turmoil in her relationships.

I wanted her to feel loved so I always stepped up. I felt her emptiness, though she had a rock solid veneer. I catered to her out of compassion and love. I always felt sorry for her because she "had it so bad" that I could "never understand".  I should be "grateful for all I had", right? I had it good or so I was told.

Our arguments that caused her to suddenly give me the silent treatment were ridiculous:  we argued over which direction is west (she wouldn't look at a compass--she had to be right), I once told her the article she wanted me to read online was an ad--not informative and unbiased.  Those infractions on my part sent her to cut me out of her life. If I didn't reach back out, it was over. Last year it was 4 months before I finally got through to her. I did everything wrong.  I wrote emails, trying to explain myself. It just incited more rage.  When I got through to her, she was stone cold after I went to see her and be loving. I saw for the first time she turned her emotions on and off, and it stunned me.

I see I was an enabler.  I get that.  With her being 80, living with my dad independently, do I just walk away?

I dialed her number by accident three weeks after she refused to call me back (we are now at week 6). She was all friendly hoping I'd forget it saying hello as if nothing was wrong.  She said, "You called?" I explained I dialed the wrong number. She said all you have to do is apologize and its over.  I told her if she can't listen to my feelings it's over. She was silent then started to rage.  I said goodbye.

Do I just walk away and never go back?  I love her and want to have some relationship. It's normalish with me for a period of time (maybe 2-3 months) as long as I do what she wants.  With my dad, its never normal--she rages daily and accuses him of being a narcissist.  He is because of her! He could careless anymore. He's under her spell.

Do I write her a simple one liner? Or will I enable her again? If I do, I know she'll be convinced I'm weak again, and that I will cave even if I won't. If I don't write, she'll never contact me again. At least she didn't after 4 months last year when I told her that the article she wanted me to read online was an ad.  I was the villain then and am again. 

It's so senseless.  She's smart. She has a good brain. She tested high in her EQ when tested by top experts. She knows how to turn it on and turn off.  Is she just that cruel and heartless?  I know this is a form of punishment, a way to avoid talking of the problems and push away her responsibility. I see that clearly.

I cannot support her doing this to me again and again. It's devastating to my life. That I'm solid about.

But I'm torn up inside. What if she or my dad passes away?  They are healthy but you never know.

This epiphany has been very painful.

[coola]

I just realized that my mom is likely a BPD. I'm 50.  She's high functioning. No one would have a clue about this except her inner most family members. She only rages at us, me, her daughter, and my dad.  My brother was the "good one" but he left the family due to an unstable wife who I also think has BPD. He can never do wrong, BTW, though he has treated her horribly. I always do wrong (but truly don't feel I am what she makes me out to be).

She was highly successful in life and knew when to turn on and turn off her BPD to hide it. She was good at manipulation to keep me blind--always using the FOG to get me. She played on my emotions big time!  She always said how ethical she is, how she is honest and fair!  Brainwashing.  She always put on a good front, but when I look back, it's all there. She was never warm, she did what was required and no more. I was clueless. And she is convinced my brother's wife is a BPD, and I believe it she is, too. My mom is educated and well read. I knew about BPD, too, but only knew of the low-functioning types--not the high. I never made the connection until this month that there are high-functioning BPDs. I wonder if my mom ever did. She read Randi's book years ago!

In the past 10 years, since I've found myself and had some success, she's become intolerable.  Out of the blue, she started accusing me of having to be right (I could careless). She started calling me a liar with regularity. I didn't lie. She told me I must hate her by the way I treat her. I treated her better than any other friend I know treats their parents by a landslide. I was blown away. It made no logical sense. I bent over backwards for her. While she always raged and had a temper, she never cut me off and walked out of my life and ceased communication and demanded I apologize before!  But she started out of the blue, and I tried to make it work. She had a horrible childhood of death (both parents) and abandonment by siblings at 14. She was left alone in a country by herself. She overcame. She succeeded but she always had turmoil in her relationships.

I wanted her to feel loved so I always stepped up. I felt her emptiness, though she had a rock solid veneer. I catered to her out of compassion and love. I always felt sorry for her because she "had it so bad" that I could "never understand".  I should be "grateful for all I had", right? I had it good or so I was told.

Our arguments that caused her to suddenly give me the silent treatment were ridiculous:  we argued over which direction is west (she wouldn't look at a compass--she had to be right), I once told her the article she wanted me to read online was an ad--not informative and unbiased.  Those infractions on my part sent her to cut me out of her life. If I didn't reach back out, it was over. Last year it was 4 months before I finally got through to her. I did everything wrong.  I wrote emails, trying to explain myself. It just incited more rage.  When I got through to her, she was stone cold after I went to see her and be loving. I saw for the first time she turned her emotions on and off, and it stunned me.

I see I was an enabler.  I get that.  With her being 80, living with my dad independently, do I just walk away?

I dialed her number by accident three weeks after she refused to call me back (we are now at week 6). She was all friendly hoping I'd forget it saying hello as if nothing was wrong.  She said, "You called?" I explained I dialed the wrong number. She said all you have to do is apologize and its over.  I told her if she can't listen to my feelings it's over. She was silent then started to rage.  I said goodbye.

Do I just walk away and never go back?  I love her and want to have some relationship. It's normalish with me for a period of time (maybe 2-3 months) as long as I do what she wants.  With my dad, its never normal--she rages daily and accuses him of being a narcissist.  He is because of her! He could careless anymore. He's under her spell.

Do I write her a simple one liner? Or will I enable her again? If I do, I know she'll be convinced I'm weak again, and that I will cave even if I won't. If I don't write, she'll never contact me again. At least she didn't after 4 months last year when I told her that the article she wanted me to read online was an ad.  I was the villain then and am again. 

It's so senseless.  She's smart. She has a good brain. She tested high in her EQ when tested by top experts. She knows how to turn it on and turn off.  Is she just that cruel and heartless?  I know this is a form of punishment, a way to avoid talking of the problems and push away her responsibility. I see that clearly.

I cannot support her doing this to me again and again. It's devastating to my life. That I'm solid about.

But I'm torn up inside. What if she or my dad passes away?  They are healthy but you never know.

This epiphany has been very painful.

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi Coola! 

I'm very glad you came to our site, and that you shared your story with us.  Oh how familiar your words! Growing up with an uBPDm was quite painful, but I was oblivious to the fact that life wasn't normal because I only saw it as my norm. The shock comes when you suddenly see with great clarity that something isn't right, and it may be when we realize that we are not as bad as they portray us. The reality can hit with a crisis as the list on the right hand side indicates. (By the way, click on any of the points and they'll open up into a new window).  What was the point at which you realized your mom may be BPD?

As I read your post, I wondered what it is that you really would like, down deep? Is it peace, quiet, being accepted for who you are? What do you think your deep heart cry is? For me I wanted my uBPDm to see me and accept me. I still keep trying to achieve that, even though she passed away 5 years ago. I keep trying because I learned it so well, this pursuit of trying to please.

Let me encourage you to jump in with both feet and read, discover, respond, and learn as much as you can on our C&H board. So many other members can benefit from what you share, including your struggles, victories, processing and learning a new way and giving up the old. I look forward to hearing so much more from you!

 
Wools

[Sprinkledinkles]

Insight is your friend, knowledge takes your power back. The more you know and understand about them the easier it is to keep their crap on them, they own those opinions and it's no reflection of you. Children of personality disordered parents are given roles, those roles aren't earned they are mere projections from the disordered parent placed on us by them and them alone. Which means, at least my interpretation of it, that no matter what we say or do we are doomed to remain there for the rest of our lives. Understanding that we didn't choose this role, we didn't earn this role, puts the ball back in our court. It's a liberating feeling that we deserve.

You sound like me and I'm sure a very high percentage of people here. Enmeshed, only feeling ok based on someone else's mood or opinion. This silent treatment you're receiving is actually a blessing in disguise if you can believe it, if you use the time correctly. During my last fight with my family I forced myself to try new things, to figure out what I liked and disliked. Focussed on myself and got to know myself sans mommy dearest putting in her two cents in and sans caring what she would think. The biggest gift you can give yourself is the love and concern that, lets face it, is never going to come from her. That's the reality, accepting that her limitations on giving you what you deserved and needed are never going to happen so you need to give it to yourself and draw on people who are validating and love you for you. If you really think about it, Einstein's version of insanity is trying the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result. We are insane trying to get the love and concern from someone who no matter what we do will never value us for who we are. So it's time to look elsewhere. Look within.

You've been here, you know you will be here again. I'm trying to learn at this time to detach with love and learn to have a relationship without expectations. I will never get what I need, at least not consistently, so I have to lower my expectations to avoid getting hurt. For now I'm just going to focus on myself and if she calls then great, if she doesn't call then great. Either way it's about me now. I hope you can start focusing on yourself too and find what works for you. You deserve to be loved for who you are. You have valuable thoughts and opinions. You are entitled to respond just as much as anyone else. Know your worth and let her learn how to deal with that on her own terms because it's not your job to prove it ever again.

[Notwendy]

I can relate to your feelings. I was also middle age when I learned about BPD. My parents had kept my mother's situation very quiet over the years, but with the availability of the internet, I was able to put the pieces of the puzzle together.

I don't feel emotionally attached to my mother, but I was very attached to my father and if I wanted a relationship with him, it included her. I too was enmeshed in my FOO drama- it was the normal for me. We grow up with this, and our roles become family expectations. We don't know anything different. My father was also enmeshed with my mother. I wanted his approval and that was contingent on being compliant with my mother.

When my father passed away, I had the choice to be in contact with her or to walk away, but she's elderly and that idea was uncomfortable to me. I am not sure how to define our relationship.  I feel certain that she doesn't love me- not personal for me, but because her own emotional condition makes it hard for her to love anyone. Mostly ,I think she sees me as someone potentially useful to her. I am concerned for her welfare and don't wish any harm to her. I try to relate to her ethically. Over the years, my goal has been to manage my side of things with her. I can't control her. However, by learning the relationship tools on this board, dealing with my own co-dependency, gaining boundaries, I have been able to manage my part of the relationship with her. I would say our relationship is more like limited contact.

You've just discovered BPD. I don't think we need to decide about the relationship right away- NC, LC, to learn the relationship tools and do some self work. Regardless of the relationship - working on my own co-dependency and boundaries has been a valuable learning experience.

[coola]

Thank you for your responses.  It's helpful to hear from others who endured this. We do take on roles, we do have to set up boundaries, we do have to find validation elsewhere.  Sadly, I only trusted my mom's validation because shew supposedly so grounded in the truth.  And she was outside of the house, just not inside.

I was very meshed with my mother believing we had a lot in common, but never figuring out this side of her.  I pushed it away, excused it, denied it to cope, I guess. I wanted to give her love where she was so missing it from not having parents, having been abandoned and abused.  I know I can't ever fix it. I know I will never be able to talk to her about it.  She basically wanted me to be an extension of her.

When I read about narcissism, she doesn't hit the diagnosable traits, but when I read about a NPD mother, its jaw-dropping. She definitely has those behaviors. She never really apologized or empathized for having her rages.  She always told us how ethical and decent she was, and we were never to question it.  I got annoyed but let things be.  I don't see empathy in her towards my dad and I at all looking back. I see ice cold behavior I attributed to pain. But I have witnessed it for animals, other kids and other people. She's very perceptive. But not for us. 

I just worry that she or my dad could die when we aren't talking. That pains me, but I have to remember, she has cut me off and its her choice, as well as my dad (who only does what she wants to survive).  Thank you!

[Notwendy]

I just worry that she or my dad could die when we aren't talking. That pains me, but I have to remember, she has cut me off and its her choice, as well as my dad (who only does what she wants to survive).

That was my concern too. We were still talking but I had set boundaries with her. I also expressed some concerns about his care. His health care team was under the impression that he was being sent home from hospital to his caring wife. I expressed my concerns to them about her behavior. The boundaries - involving me and my children and this upset my parents.

My father got angry at me. I tried to repair the situation with him but - as the drama triangle would have it- with my mother taking victim role and painting me black to him, he remained angry. She controlled my relationship with him- listened into out phone calls, read his e mails. He remained angry at me. I was basically disowned by my parents at the time he died.

It was hard to lose my father and I grieved the loss. In retrospect, I wish I had known more about BPD and family dynamics to have managed the issues better, but I only knew what I knew to do and don't know if it would have made a difference. What was odd to me was that, along with grief, was a strange sense of freedom. I was mostly emotionally attached to my father. I wanted his approval and love, but it was contingent on my mother's wishes. Now, I had a choice of how to relate to her without the fear of disappointing my father. I credit him for being the best parent he could in this situation and for a lot of good he did as a father. He was in a tough situation.

[coola]

NotWendy... .I understand your pain.  My dad was pitted against me as a child. I remember when I was about 6, my dad would take me to the store to do my mom's errands. And he loved buying me a coloring book, crayons or candy. He had fun, made it special and when we came home once (after maybe doing it 4 times), my mom said, "There you are being Mr. Nice guy and I'm the villain doing all the work, and discipline!  That's going to stop."  And it did.    Over the years, my mom pushed him further and further away from me. He once came over to me after a fight to stay when I was an adult, and he told me after he went back, he'll never do it again! He paid too dearly--she had rages. Today she can be vicious in front of me, and he'll just say whatever she wants to hear.  It's gutted me and before I understood, I hated him for it. I felt he didn't care. But now I can see he has been so invalidated, there is nothing left. That's where I am, now, too. It kills me. I started telling them both about 5 years ago they were both injured souls, but it didn't matter. My mom has isolated all of us alone, away from each other in her sickness. We all suffer in silence.  I know I can't go tell my dad. He's too dependent on my mom now. He'd automatically start defending her because of FOG (fear, obligation and guilt).

I am sure your father loved and approved of you!  I have no doubt about it!  I hope you can feel that deep in your heart. Your dad was a good guy, like mine. He tried and tried and tried, but it was never good enough. They gave their lives to these women who are truly ill.

[Notwendy]

I imagine that sooner or later my father just believed what my mother said about others. She has a knack for saying just enough terrible about someone else to cast doubt about them. She's tried to do this with a  relative of mine ( on my father's side ).This relative was more of a mother figure to me than my own mother and I am more attached to her than to my mother. She succeeded in convincing her FOO that I was the one with the emotional problems. I know she painted me black to my father.

It is interesting how she responded to your father doing nice things for you when you were little. It happened the other way with me when my father was sick. I would visit and cook him a nice meal. He always was ravenous. My mother didn't cook and they only ate frozen dinners. I tried to cook when I was there because I was concerned about his nutrition. ( I eventually contacted social services about his situation) .

My mother would make comments like " look at you spoiling your father like this" and "he can make his own breakfast". Maybe so, but in his condition, he wasn't going to make a nutritious one. I don't mind at all cooking for him. If I thought I could have gotten away with it, I would have taken him home with me, but they were a package deal and I can not keep my own sanity around her.

Eventually my father sounded just like my mother when he spoke to me. It was as if they were the same person.

I think he loved me at one point, but I think daily life with her was emotionally painful and it is hard to love in that situation. He was really a great dad. My kids loved him too.