Done

[nomotime]

I am exhausted.  I can't SET, I can't use wisemind or mindfulness, I can't accommodate her lunancy any more.  Its breaking my heart every time she explodes in front of our baby.  We are supposed to leave abusers right?  Not bend over backwards for them.

I am done, and I want her away from my Son before it's too late.  She is a horrible, selfish, cruel person who will see us in poverty.
Does any one have any psychological background who could explain if the influence of a mother who is constantly screaming, shouting and being aggressive in front of the child is better or worse than having no mother around at all?

[Panda39]

Hi nomotime,

I'm sorry to hear this is going on around your baby.  Verbal abuse is abuse and I think you have a valid concern.  I thought you might find this workshop helpful... .

Child Development and Parents with Mental Illness
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=167128.0

Panda39

[heartandwhole]

nomotime,

What a difficult situation. I'm glad you posted. It's heartbreaking to deal with explosions at home, as well as contemplate separation when a child is involved.

Right now you are really exhausted. It's not the best time to make life-changing decisions.  Do you have outside support—a therapist, lawyer, friend, etc. whom you can talk to?

How old is your little boy? How does he react to your wife's behavior?

Hang in there. We're here for you. 

heartandwhole

[nomotime]

Thank you very much for the replies.

There's a lot of useful information in that thread.  Unfortunately, I'm struggling to find any insight into the effects of leaving the mother at such a young age. I'd like to be able to make a fully informed decision as to my next move.  Especially as joint-custody is liable to be a nightmare and she's guaranteed to try and go back to her home country with him.  

The truth is, he's on track developmentally at the moment, generally smiley and he is still attached to his mother.  So far, she hasn't raged at him, though she does constantly just leave me with him when I'm supposed to be working (I work from home), doesn't respond when he's trying to talk to her and in general hardly talks to him.  But he doesn't show anxiety around her.  He gets very upset if she walks past the room without acknowledging him though.  I feel like he's ultra sensitive too it as she's not around enough and very absent when she is there, although at this age it could be standard separation anxiety.

One of the painful parts of this is, he's trying to call for her when its time for bed, nowadays he wants cuddles with her and cries until he gets them, but she keeps saying he wants me.  So there I am trying to pick him up and help, and he's physically fighting his way out of my arms because clearly wants his Mum (nb.  he's very comfortable with me usually and during the day will fall asleep on me with a big grin on his face, I'm referring specifically to evening bedtime atm).  She won't take him and starts another argument with me, during his going to sleep time.  Very frustrating as I did used to take care of his bedtime myself but it doesn't work anymore.  

He shouts for attention when his Mum is shouting at me and if I shout back at his Mum he laughs, which is awful.  I'm grateful he's general still very happy, but he must be learning such terrible social skills at the moment.  And when he starts to understand what his Mum is saying to me I don't know what's going to happen.  Also I caught her using her belittling' sarcastic tone with him a couple of times.  Only very VERY briefly but again, I want to protect him from having the same problems himself in the future.  Especially as a boy, if he picks up his Mum's behaviours he's going to end up in jail!

I'm not scared to leave him with her particularly at the moment, in except that she won't always fill his developmental requirements.  It's how she acts to me (and also her parents when we've been there) in front of him.  

Thanks heartandwhole,  I appreciate it.

[nomotime]

Sorry, in regard to friends, lawyers, therapists etc. the only people who know what's happening are my parents, her parents and possibly one of her close friends, who she actually raged at in our house last week.  THAT set the baby crying.  She went ballistic and no doubt the neighbour heard.  They may be aware too.

He's 10 months by the way.

Therapists are not easy to come by here unfortunately.  I have a friend who's a lawyer but nervous about pulling him into it until I know what I'm doing.

Problem is she is extremely high-functioning.  Switches off like a lightbulb around others and holds down a decent job and has an extremely innocent, childlike persona.  Spend enough time with us both, her dependency probably becomes apparent but people are liable to look at me like an ass when I'm working at home and say I can't help her at that time. Probably also an issue in any custody hearing.

[livednlearned]

Having a young baby is exhausting and stressful regardless of mental illness in a parent . You must be feeling so beat up at the moment, and the yelling can't be good for your nerves, either.

Especially as joint-custody is liable to be a nightmare and she's guaranteed to try and go back to her home country with him.

It's important that you talk to a family law attorney so you know how things work where you live. In my state, once you file and a case is opened, a parent cannot leave the country with the child. In fact, moving anywhere becomes a chore and moving to another state can trigger child abduction laws. If your wife's home country is part of the Hague Treaty, it may recognize any custody laws in the country where the case is open.

Lawyer consultations typically run $100 and up depending on where you live.

[nomotime]

Thanks for the advice. Read some child psychology articles which would suggest my original thinking was not a great idea.

Been out, spent some time out the house. Feeling a little more on top of things.

[takingandsending]

Hey nomotime.

Maybe reactively jumping to a divorce is not a great idea when you have an infant and are both suffering some degree of sleep deprivation/interruption. But, her behaviors may not get better, even as your baby's demands ease up. So, unfortunately, you will have to be very cautious and watchful/assessing her behaviors, and in times of doubt, always revert to the protection of your son, as you may be the only functional adult parent in the household. I am sorry for what you are going through. I went through it as well, and it tore me apart inside.

I, too, worked from home 2 days a week when my son was 2, and my uBPDxw also did not recognize the boundary that I was working, not day care. Oddly enough, my 2 year old was able to follow the simple smiling dad/dad with phone drawing that we drew together to maintain that boundary.

Here is some perspective looking back from later in the timeline of my experience. My son is now 11. His therapist tells me that he is at emotional development of age 4-5 under normal circumstances and possibly age 2 when he is upset. She also notes that he is improving since I made the decision to separate/divorce and have my own household as of March this year.

Every situation is unique, but a yelling, screaming parent is likely to create an attachment impaired child. That's what happened with my son. If I could do it all over, if I knew about BPD and what was going on, I would have pushed for my wife to receive treatment conditional on us being married, learned how to communicate and have clear consistent boundaries, and had plans ready for separation (i.e. consulting lawyers, knowing relocation laws, having a strategy to get enough custody to protect my sons [yes, I had another with her]) at the ready.

[slachers]

You really hit the head on the nail with "Aren't we supposed to leave abusers? Not bend over backwards for them?"  I'll never understand why I did.

As far as a child growing up without a BPD mother in their life... .my husband has BPD and two daughters from a previous marriage.  I could never understand why they had so much contempt and hatred towards him.  They rarely speak to him.  He pays for everything for them and they never say thank you.  One of them got married without telling him.  Both of them got pregnant very young and never bring the babies by to see us.  They both have signs of BPD, depression, anxiety and the mental illnesses.  Of course now I understand why, but I was blind to it in the beginning.

I also have a friend who's mom has BPD.  Her mom wouldn't go to her wedding.  She has to hide the fact that she is friends on Facebook with some of her moms relatives for fear of what will happen if she were to find out.  There is always drama in her life due to her mom. I could go on but we all know the stories already.

In my opinion - you can take it for what it's worth- growing up without the influence of a BPD parent has got to be better than dealing with the pain and heartache of an unstable home life.  I see first hand how that effects the relationships of my step daughters.  They don't make wise choices, they are always wanting to leave, and they literally give up on everything as soon as it gets hard. 

Good luck in whatever you decide to do.  I know it'll be a tough decision.

[ForeverDad]

It's hard to say whether his children have BPD or some traits of other PDs.  Sometimes when the children are still enmeshed with or in frequent contact with the disordered parent it may be that they're just exhibiting PD "fleas".  Once apart and able to observe, validate and conclude reality, they may in time grow closer to normalcy.

But yes a person is probably more likely to have a PD if exposed to acting out PDs.  The poor examples experienced from a young age are damaging, it's just a matter of how much.

[nomotime]

Thank you very much for your replies.  Its really helpful to hear your experiences and I'm sorry to hear about your Son's difficulties, takingandsending and likewise for your stepdaughters, Slachers...

The irony of my work situation is that probably the best thing all round would be if she went into full time work and I just freelanced around childcare times, so I could essentially stay-at-home Dad it and deal with it that way.  But we can't afford to do that, and she would struggle to find a secure full time job due to the nature of her work (and she could suddenly decide everyone hates her at any point and leave).

The biggest issue is Nationality.   I can't deal with this in any standard way.  I don't want to put him at risk of having abandonment issues and I don't know how we could possibly split without her disappearing, with or without our Son.

She can be good with him. Sometimes very good and he certainly turns to her for comfort.  Its heartbreaking when she can't/won't give it (particularly when she's too busy attacking me) and I'm not always enough for him.  If she didn't disappear and by some miracle we could work out an amicable situation, how can he visit his Grandparents?  Not the end of the world but there is no way she would accept not being able to take him to see them and I couldn't let her out the country with him without me there.  Also, I can't help it, when things calm down and she's doing well with him I feel awful at the thought of trying to deny her access.  Then she revs up again and I just want to get us away from the situation in anyway possible.

In so far as therapy goes, my melt down here came after nigh on three weeks of heavy dysregulation.  Towards the end of this, I held my ground and insisted she needed help. She found some self awareness and made a legitimate attempt, but the system here is just terrible and nothings happened yet, except phone therapy for... .anxiety... .again.  Now we're back to square one, she's been on more or less good form for a couple of weeks, but starting to spiral out again and now of course she's insistent she doesn't have a problem again, or if she has a problem then I also have a problem and she wants couples therapy.  I'm well aware of the dangers of this. I can't actually comprehend how she forgets that I actually ended up having to uproot my home office and take the family to my parent's house, 60 miles away a couple of weeks ago which wasn't ideal as my Dad is currently very ill, just so I could get some work done. My upwBPD came with and was predictably well behaved when we were there.

Which leads to the other issue, how could I push for treatment when she's undiagnosed, largely anosognosic and high functioning?  How can I make anyone aware of what is happening when she's quiet and cute in front of anyone other than me and her parents/grandmother and occasionally her best friend?  These factors also concern me when it comes to any potential custody hearing.

I feel like I'm trapped in a nightmare and can't wake up.  I can't see a solution or a way out of this that at least leads to my Son's happiness, if I can't have my own as well.   

[toomanydogs]

Which leads to the other issue, how could I push for treatment when she's undiagnosed, largely anosognosic and high functioning? 

Where I live, you can't push for treatment even when the person is clearly ill and not high functioning, as you describe your wife.

How can I make anyone aware of what is happening when she's quiet and cute in front of anyone other than me and her parents/grandmother and occasionally her best friend?  These factors also concern me when it comes to any potential custody hearing.

I feel like I'm trapped in a nightmare and can't wake up.  I can't see a solution or a way out of this that at least leads to my Son's happiness, if I can't have my own as well.   

I'm so sorry you're going through this. My H can hold it together for about 24 hours in front of people, and then he collapses into his usual self.

I'm really sorry,
TMD