internal struggle to get back with BPD ex

[jammov]

Thanks to anyone who reads this and can offer advice or personal experience.

I got together with my wife about 6 years ago and everything seemed so perfect. There were some red flags like how incredibly short tempered and impatient she was and very often she would snap at me or might have been really mean but I let it roll off my shoulders because I ended a relationship prior to that for what seemed like smaller things. The first two years we did a lot of travelling and it was really just the two of us. I was completely unfamiliar with BPD so it never crossed my mind. Over the course of our marriage, my wife effectively isolated me from my family. She would claim she never kept me from seeing them but then would throw a fit whenever they were in town and I wanted to see them or if we did actually get to see them, she would sit off in the corner sulking and I felt like since she was my wife, I really had to take care of her so I would cut the visit short. In her defense, my mom and sister were pretty rude and a little selfish on our wedding day and she said she felt like they ruined our wedding day and since that day the isolation began. We moved across the country and seeing my family wasnt a big deal because they were so far away but she and I built some pretty fantastic memories. Again, I have never met someone who was annoyed so easily and so impatient but I let it all go. Well, we moved in the same state as my family and that was about 2 years into our marriage. At that point, she fought me tooth and nail about standing up to my family and not letting them stay with us when they visited and me not visiting them. She has maintained that I put them before her in every possible situation. She said I would leave her alone for long periods of time and all she was left with were her thoughts. When I asked her what she was talking about with leaving her alone she told me she was referring to my annual two day camping trips with my dad and brothers. She was miserable at work and that misery lasted the next two years. She was in such a bad mood all the time, she was negative about everything, she would snap at me for no reason, she never wanted to leave the house. She does suffer from anxiety and depression and she said it was her anxiety that led her to never want to leave the house so I did the grocery shopping, I ran the errands and it all became a lot to handle.

It got to the point where we were strangers in the same house. She completely isolated herself from me and if I wanted to do anything without her, she lost it. If anyone were to look into our life during that time, they would say "that woman hates that man" and honestly that is what it felt like. She always did that push pull thing, I hate you - no, come back, thing. She would tell me that no one would ever love me like she would or be as good to me as she would. During that time, she had an emotional affair with another guy that she actually worked with. That was a struggle and when I found out about it, she ended it but I thought things were so good and then that happened. About a year later, I met someone and had an affair with that person and that is where this all starts. When I had my affair, it really opened my eyes to how unhappy we were. I guess in a sense it forced us to put everything on the table and I sort of discovered that I was so tired of being treated badly. Our animals were treated better than I was and she showed them so much love and affection and I received none. She claimed that affection made her feel awkward and uncomfortable so going against my nature, I had to build a wall and try not to be affectionate. She would constantly tell me I was too needy and too sensitive. After she discovered my affair and our problems were on the table, I started backing out of the marriage. Realizing that I wasnt happy and that my needs werent met because I was the caregiver in the relationship opened my eyes. I started therapy and still to this day go but over the next six months I decided I was going to separate from her, which I did. I moved out. She then moved into the same complex as I did so that our animals could be close. While we were separated each day was filled with text messages begging for us to get back together and we went through phases. She was angry then sad then angry and then sad. I would say mostly it has been sad. Throughout this separation she kept reaffirming that it was all my fault that we were where we were. It was my affair, it was all my decisions and she wanted me back and all I had to do was come back to her. She made me feel so terrible for my choices. I finally stopped responding to her about 80% of the time. I would occasionally get drawn in as I still do but it is much less. Then I started seeing another woman and this other woman (so far) has filled every one of my needs. I understand there is the honeymoon phase and that is where we are. A few weeks ago my wife was walking past my apartment (what a coincidence) and saw the other woman on my back porch. She lost it and pounded at my door for 45 minutes and wanted to confront her and I. That never happened but since then my wife has officially filed for divorce.

The past couple weeks, the nature of my conversation with my wife has changed and she says she isnt looking to get back together with me but she makes sure to tell me how amazing of a wife she always was and how she loved me and because of my decision to start seeing someone else is why we are divorcing. The past two weeks I have been flooded with memories - the good ones - of my soon to be ex wife. When it was good and it was fun, it was SO good and SO fun. It is like I was addicted to her. I have recently decided to move closer to the woman I am seeing now which is in a different city so I have had interviews lately, my divorce is about to be finalized and it was recently my soon to be exes birthday. I dont know if those things have anything to do with it but I am having serious doubts about whether I am doing the right thing or not. My soon to be ex says that our relationship going forward could be incredible because now we have the tools to deal with our problems but I feel like I am sort of scarred from how terribly she treated me. She displays a ton of BPD behaviors  but has never been diagnosed. My therapist fully believes she has it but she doesnt do drugs and she isnt promiscuous, she is actually really good natured and an introvert so she rarely leaves her house.

Im struggling because love was never an issue for us. We have always very much loved each other. The woman I am dating is really incredible and so far I have no red flags or problems with and our values align but I feel like this is one of those things where before I separated, my soon to be ex and I built this life together and I feel like I am abandoning that life when there might still be something there.

Any insights would be really appreciated!

[Gemsforeyes]

Dear Jammov-

Welcome to the BPD family.  I'm sorry for the pain and confusion your marriage has caused you.  There are a LOT of tools here to assist you in Detaching from this relationship, if that is the path you decide to continue on.

Before you make ANY decisions, I'd like you to REALLY read what you've written.  Maybe read it as if your best friend has written this letter TO YOU.  Assume he's asking you for your advice.  How would you advise him?

You write some very telling truths in your post.  Things that may be showing the color of your future, unless your uBPDW (undiagnosed BPD wife) has been doing some serious work on herself.  But if she's still blaming everything on you, it appears she has not done any work.  And your future will likely mirror your past.

Often when the end of a relationship is nearing, the finality of that relationship, i.e. Divorce, can make us sort of "idolize" certain parts of that relationship.  Careful there... .that's why you want to remember the totality of what took place.  The "love" involved with BPDs can sometimes take on an addictive characteristic (I hesitate to call it a quality); isolating and controlling your partner isn't really love (in my way of thinking).

At any rate, you sound like a pretty strong and level headed man.  Please give this some good thought.  There are great resources here, and perhaps learn a bit more about BPD Before re-committing to your soon-to-be ex-wife.

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

[DaddyBear77]

Hi jammov and another warm welcome to our bpdfamily!

I feel like I say this a lot, but your story really does give me goosebumps because it is so familiar. There are so many great things to look back on, and for me and many of us, they shine so much brighter than the negative, hurtful things that are also just as real. We so often let the hurt roll off us that perhaps we don't actually store and recall those memories as easily as the positive ones. I don't know, though, I'm far from an expert.

For my journey, it has been really helpful for me to keep the realities of BPD in mind. In most cases, the personality traits that we have seen consistently over the years and years of knowing our pwBPD are most likely there to stay. Whether or not our pwBPD traits are offical, clinically diagnosable BPD is always a question. BPD traits fall on a broad spectrum. It's likely that they won't get an official diagnosis unless they're willing to look, and most pwBPD are not. So please trust what you've seen and use that truth to help you make your next move.

Many people here know full well what to expect from a pwBPD and CHOSE to stay anyway. That's perfectly valid and reasonable for them. Others chose to walk away, no matter how painful. That's valid as well. What's important is that you do it with a full awareness of what to expect.

That's what we're here to help with!

I hope you're able to stick with us and we all look forward to hearing more about your journey so far and your journey to come.

~DaddyBear77

[formflier]

Whatever path you choose I would hope we can help you build "structure" in your life to support those choices.


It would appear that lots of your choices point towards leaving the marriage.  If that is the case, then it would seem unwise or contradictory to have long discussions with your wife about "the good times".

How does that support you leaving?

If your apartment with another woman is a "test run" for life outside of marriage, I suspect a choice is going to be forced soon... .or perhaps already has.

It is normal for any relationship to have good and bad times to talk about.  The unique feature of BPDish relationships is that preponderance of bad times that is "our fault" when we know it is the pwBPDs choices that we "made" them make for the most bizarre reasons.

Honestly, from reading your post, it appears your wife is not taking any responsibility for her choices.  Do I have that right?

FF

[jammov]

Thank you everyone for your advice/expertise/follow up. I have read each response a number of times and you all have it right. I have somewhat idolized the good times and let the bad times become distant, however, I remember how it felt when dealing with the negative behavior. Just to provide an update, I am moving forward with the divorce because I know it is the healthier thing to do. It has been incredibly painful every step of the way and when my wife reaches out to me to ask if I am sure I want this and to remind me of all the good times with past Facebook posts, pictures, texts telling me how great she is and how great we were, she behaves in a way that makes me feel like I am breaking her heart all over again, every day. Live and learn I guess. I am very thankful for everything everyone said and it has helped to guide me where I feel the right direction is. Thank you!

[Dary]

I feel for you man... .
Currently in the same situation, except for the moving on part from my side... .
I just can't bare the thought of moving on and leaving her be (although we're separated for a while now and she has me replaced already)

Wish you wisdom and fortune and hope you'll recover one day.

[Enabler]

Would you consider leaving if you had children together?

Accepting things will never change, would you consider starting a family with your wife?

Accepting things will never change, what do you think the impacts on children growing up in your current marital environment would be and what do you think the probability of you getting divorced sometime in the future be, should the relationship dynamics and behaviors continue or get worse?