Can we say.. What in the hell?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I come home for lunch. My pwBPD  is in the shower.  I get something to eat and sit sown with the kids.  He come out and I say,  hi honey and smile at him.  He's just kind of looking at me.  I was thinking...   I can already tell this isn't good.  I started to talk about a Halloween package my parents sent the kids. I was about to tell him an item and he asked when.  I said last night it was on the table.  Not really sure what was said right after,  but I said on the table.  I guess I wasn't being specific on which table or when I got it.  I was a little confused that he wanted more detail on that. He started getting really mad.  Saying stuff about how the post office doesn't deliver at night,  which table was it on,  when did I get it,  where was I last night if it was nighttime when I got it.   I stumbled with my response because it was completely taken off guard by his attack.  I calmly said it was on the kitchen table when I came home last night.  I don't know what time it arrived.   He was like, wasn't that easy,  when I say huh and keep repeating what you are saying it's so frustrating,  you know what you're doing,  you did it to piss me off.  This was in front of the kids so I got quiet and tried too continue with the kids and that made him angry and he shouted out,  oh so you're ignoring me now.

Then he stormed out and texted saying that when he asks the same question three times it means he doesn't understand and repeating doesn't help and it seems that I enjoy pissing him off.  I'm furious and want to scream at him and tell him he's being a jerk.  I know that's not the right way to handle it and I will try my hardest to use the tools I have... .  And breathe... .So aggravating.

[Frankee]

I come home for lunch. My pwBPD  is in the shower.  I get something to eat and sit sown with the kids.  He come out and I say,  hi honey and smile at him.  He's just kind of looking at me.  I was thinking...   I can already tell this isn't good.  I started to talk about a Halloween package my parents sent the kids. I was about to tell him an item and he asked when.  I said last night it was on the table.  Not really sure what was said right after,  but I said on the table.  I guess I wasn't being specific on which table or when I got it.  I was a little confused that he wanted more detail on that. He started getting really mad.  Saying stuff about how the post office doesn't deliver at night,  which table was it on,  when did I get it,  where was I last night if it was nighttime when I got it.   I stumbled with my response because it was completely taken off guard by his attack.  I calmly said it was on the kitchen table when I came home last night.  I don't know what time it arrived.   He was like, wasn't that easy,  when I say huh and keep repeating what you are saying it's so frustrating,  you know what you're doing,  you did it to piss me off.  This was in front of the kids so I got quiet and tried too continue with the kids and that made him angry and he shouted out,  oh so you're ignoring me now.

Then he stormed out and texted saying that when he asks the same question three times it means he doesn't understand and repeating doesn't help and it seems that I enjoy pissing him off.  I'm furious and want to scream at him and tell him he's being a jerk.  I know that's not the right way to handle it and I will try my hardest to use the tools I have... .  And breathe... .So aggravating.

[pearlsw]

Hi Frankee, I experience frustrations at times too. At times I long for a partner who I can make small communication mistakes with and not have it blow up to something much bigger than warranted. I've been periodically reviewing those lists of Fair Fighting rules since I was in my early 20's I think! I know that I can always do better myself and am dedicated to constant improvement on my side of the communication divide. I'm finding in my current situation the better I do the better he can do. He sees good behavior modeled and it gives him new ideas and a safer space to "fail" in. His ex-wife was extremely difficult (to say the least) and I am sure some of what he knows is from that past. When I help him with managing his stress levels it pays off in making my life easier as well. It is a lot of extra emotional work to have to so closely help manage someone else's stress, but that is how it goes.

It sounds like when you arrived in a good mood he was already waiting there with a set of expectations in his head and wanted to get right to the point of a question he had. Is that right? Sounds like you two were in different emotional places at that moment. You perhaps wanted to be greeted/welcomed home? He wanted info. immediately that he felt you were withholding or had withheld and didn't meet your emotional needs either?  Or was he just altogether in a bad mood and he applied it to the package issue? Do you have any idea why his mood was so bad, what that was about? What was he feeling?

Tattered Heart is quite skilled at breaking down how to better handle conversations. I'd recommend reading lots of her posts and finding a way to internalize these skills as she has done. I am still studying up on this and hoping to be better in time. It doesn't come overnight! There will be a lot of trial and error I'm afraid, but I really think it is worth it to be the best communicator we each possibly can be.

I know how hard it is. I don't like when my partner puts issues on display in front of his kids - ever. I never witnessed this as a kid (parents fighting in an ugly way - ever!) so I just wanna crawl in a hole when he does this. Wishing you well!

[Frankee]

I appreciate the insight.  I feel he was in a bad mood.  He's rarely in a good mood when he first gets up.  I try to be conscious and aware of triggers.  That's why I gave him a smile and greeted him. It seems he was just waiting for the wrong thing to be said or something not to go as he pictured it.   I think I'll take a look at that fighting fair guidelines.  I'm still pretty new at learning about BPD. We've been together only three years and it wasn't till a few months ago I really started finding out about BPD.

I like how you pointed out that you are dedicated to constant improvement on your side of the communication divide,  finding in your current situation the better you do the better he can do.  It's something that has been on mind.  I have been more aware of certain things I need to improve on communication wise.  Little things I know would help and aren't that big of a deal to work on,  just never had to really do that before with friends,  family,  or significant others.

The stress part I'm struggling with.  There are little things I do have control over that help make his day and moods go smoother.  It's only when it's external factors that don't go as planned that it I have no control over that I seem lost at maintaining stress levels.  Even today. I don't have control of a situation because there is another person involved and they aren't doing what they said they would do. So of course he's screaming and hollering and taking it out in me,  blaming me saying I'm not trying.  I also feel at times that no matter even if I do those little things,  he still will get mad at times. Almost as if his mood is so unregulated that nothing helps.  He has definitely challenged me in ways I wasn't prepared for.

I come on here and vent.  It's very helpful for me to get the issues out of my head and in words.   I can express my feelings and frustrations as well as get constructive feedback on how to deal with everything.

[Lucky Jim]

I also feel at times that no matter even if I do those little things,  he still will get mad at times. Almost as if his mood is so unregulated that nothing helps.  He has definitely challenged me in ways I wasn't prepared for.

Hey Frankee, You're right, sometimes there's nothing that works, which puts you in a Lose/Lose proposition.  In those situations, I suggest using your boundaries, which you can read up on under the Tools Button (above).

LJ

[Frankee]

He texted back later acting like nothing happened.  The other incident that happened yesterday with the other person not doing their part.  I was calm about it.  I had patience and knew that it would get done.  He didn't.  After stomping around, threatening, saying he was going to do this and that.  I didn't get upset, I didn't argue or any of that.  I talked to him in a normal tone.  I let him burn off his steam.  Did the same thing where he stomped out and sent texts asking if it was done.  I kept giving him updates and not trying to excuse or argue the situation.  Later on when everything was taken care of he texts me saying he's sorry and he had bad dreams last night.  He has night terrors.  Sometimes they are worse than other times.  Told him I loved him and was sorry he had the bad dreams.  He replied saying again he was sorry and that he's trying to do better for me.  Told me to have a good day and would see me soon.

I don't feel like I'm handling situations as well as I could be.  It still seems that he is doing better.  The severity of the rages and the turn around time that he comes back down have improved. I don't know if it's all him making the change or if the small changes I'm doing is playing a factor.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Frankee, It sounds like you are doing a good job practicing disengagement, by remaining calm and declining to argue.  What I found hard was practicing disengagement when I was the object of goading and/or bullying by my BPDxW.  Sometimes I said hurtful things when my Ex tried to pick a fight.

LuckyJim

[Frankee]

Hey Frankee, It sounds like you are doing a good job practicing disengagement, by remaining calm and declining to argue.  What I found hard was practicing disengagement when I was the object of goading and/or bullying by my BPDxW.  Sometimes I said hurtful things when my Ex tried to pick a fight.

LuckyJim

I know exactly how you feel.  I can definitely tell when he's purposely antagonizing me.  All the anger, negative emotions, rage.  Directed towards saying cruel things to try to get me to react.  Recently he did the "I was going to say something, but I know you wouldn't like it".  I replied back, you say a lot of things I don't like, so how is this different?  I felt like him saying that was ridiculous because he had just gotten done with a verbal attack that hurt me, even though I didn't let it show.

[Lucky Jim]

I can definitely tell when he's purposely antagonizing me.  All the anger, negative emotions, rage.  Directed towards saying cruel things to try to get me to react.

Hey Frankee, my BPDxW did the same thing in order to get me to engage, which helped me to realize that any kind of attention, whether positive or negative, is often what a pwBPD seeks.  I reached a point where I refused to engage, because the dynamic was so toxic: her lashing out in order to get a reaction out of me.  Instead, I opted to remove myself from the equation by leaving the room, the house, etc.  Sad to say, I spent many a night at the local motel.

LJ

[Frankee]

I still need to work on enforcing the discussing things at a later time when emotions aren't so heightened.  I try to exit the situation and he accuses me of hiding out and avoiding the conversation.  I tell him I can't do this right now because we are getting off the topic to be discussed. Distancing myself for awhile at that point helps me get a better perspective and think more logically. 

Sometimes it gets to be too much, where I find that I'm not able to process what's really going on and I start acting emotionally.  That feeling of being overwhelmed and bombarded by feelings that the original topic is losing sight.  When I feel that way, I believe my pwBPD is going through the same thing, but he's not able realize what's really going on and doesn't have the capacity to see that putting the conversation on hold at a later time would be beneficial.  All he knows is he is feeling a certain way and gets angry when he feels I'm ignoring him or trying to "hide out" till it blows over.

Last time I tried to put a conversation on hold, I started cleaning the kids room.  I hear him in the other room saying things like, she acts like she's cleaning, but we all know she's really hiding out, it's okay, we all know that she is going to be leaving soon.  She's going to leave just like everyone before her has.  Later on that day after a heated/calm discussion, things finally returned to normal.  It's just so draining.