Death by instalments

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Snowglobe, thank you for providing all the additional background.  I am thankful that the physical situation is not worse, and that you have involved your doctor and friend for some visibility.  Those are excellent steps to take.  Both must have been scary, but you did it!

It sounds like you figured out that retaliatory violence is a bad idea. Do you think you will be able to avoid it in the future?

Regarding the discussion of validating and apologizing, you asked if you went too far in apologizing.  One way to tell this is to ask yourself about the things you were apologizing for.  If you are apologizing for something where you genuinely violated your values (snapping at him if he didn't deserve it, etc.) then an apology is in order.  If you are apologizing for something that in his reality was a transgression, but that does not violate any of your principles, simply to appease him and make peace, then one might say you've gone too far.  You would be validating the invalid.  A useful technique is partial validation, where you pick a part of what he has said that is true and apologize for and validate that.  Knowing what is real and what your values are gets back to the identity thing.  It requires us to start developing an identity independent of our pwBPD.

I'm excited about your degree.  It sounds like it is less than a year away!  It takes an iron will to pursue an education while maintaining a family.  Keep at it!  What classes are you taking now?  Do you enjoy them?

Wentworth

[Radcliff]

Snowglobe, thank you for providing all the additional background.  I am thankful that the physical situation is not worse, and that you have involved your doctor and friend for some visibility.  Those are excellent steps to take.  Both must have been scary, but you did it!

It sounds like you figured out that retaliatory violence is a bad idea. Do you think you will be able to avoid it in the future?

Regarding the discussion of validating and apologizing, you asked if you went too far in apologizing.  One way to tell this is to ask yourself about the things you were apologizing for.  If you are apologizing for something where you genuinely violated your values (snapping at him if he didn't deserve it, etc.) then an apology is in order.  If you are apologizing for something that in his reality was a transgression, but that does not violate any of your principles, simply to appease him and make peace, then one might say you've gone too far.  You would be validating the invalid.  A useful technique is partial validation, where you pick a part of what he has said that is true and apologize for and validate that.  Knowing what is real and what your values are gets back to the identity thing.  It requires us to start developing an identity independent of our pwBPD.

I'm excited about your degree.  It sounds like it is less than a year away!  It takes an iron will to pursue an education while maintaining a family.  Keep at it!  What classes are you taking now?  Do you enjoy them?

Wentworth

[Skip]

Thank you all so very much for taking the time to read and reply to my posts. Even at the darkest hour and in the midst of the storm I can take some time here and gain a perspective, sometimes things look much scarier on the inside, almost hopeless.

Snowglobe, I think the most important thing is to try and calm yourself right now and try to fid as much perspective as you can in this overwhelming period of family demands and school and work demands which are frazzling both you and your husband. The most important thing, in the near term is to amp down the tensions you feel and not provoke tensions in him... .

Go for calm - don't provoke or try to fix or look for support from him.

As for the over-whelming demands with the children, school, and housework - rather that be flat out over committed, look at what you can eliminate to lighten your load and communicate that in a constructive way. If he doesn't want to pitch in, OK. Accept that he is maxed out. But that doesn't mean you can cover everything. For example, you can move to prepared frozen dinners and take out, have the kids do laundry, etc  (e.g., just an example).

For you, finding a place of calm and perspective is important. Part of why is causing despair (or making this feel hopeless) is that you are overwhelmed with school and the family (beyond hubby's aggression). You can talk to your mom and to us to help you center on a situation by situation basis. The most important thing is to amp down the tensions you feel and not provoke tensions in him... .

There is a lot of talk about leaving the relationship and that is certainly a possibility at some point, but from what you say, in the immediate term you are overwhelmed with obligations (which this doesn't solve) and you do not have financial means to just move on. You need a life plan. Exiting is one solution, there are others, and you want to explore it all.

A safety plan is really important. So is recognizing when things are heading in a bad direction and calmly shifting yourself away from the situation.

The big picture is that your family is overloaded and you husband can't handle stress and this is a tough situation for either of you to navigate.



So lets talk about a safety plan.

When was the last time your husband was physical with you? What happened?

When you husband losses it (physical or verbal) what triggers him and what stages does he go through before blowing his top?

When you dad is living with you, does that bring stability?

[Harley Quinn]

I openly talked about what is happening in my home to my best friend. She asked me what would I like for her to do, we decided that if things were to get out of hand, I would take the kids and stay with her while I sort things out.

This is great to hear.  You've started the beginnings of a safety plan in doing this.  It's important to know what you would do if a situation became unsafe and where you would go if you have to get out.  It's good you have this in place.  Is anyone else aware of the situation?  When my ex became violent I found that my doctor's surgery is a 'domestic abuse aware practice' and they have a drop in with a domestic abuse advocate there.  I'd strongly recommend that you find your nearest local service and make an appointment as they can walk you through this stuff in an appointment where you are not going to be interrupted or distracted, so it sinks in.  They can give you a list of 'to do's' for you to go away and implement gradually, then your mind is clear about your course of action in a situation that has a risk of escalation.

Making others aware of the abusive behaviour and gathering support outside the home is really important, as I can completely relate to women (and men) who hide the fact it is going on.  There are many reasons why this happens.  It is very freeing to be open about it with the right people. 

Right now, what is important is your safety in the present moment.  So I'd advise you to follow Skip's advice and not to make any hasty decisions.  One thing that is well documented is the high risk around suddenly leaving violent partners without firm and sustainable plans in place.  It can be far safer to stay put for the time being however gathering support around yourself and removing the veil over the abuse.  I had a trusted friend who lives nearby that I would go and see for a coffee at times when I could see that there was an elevated risk at home.  She was already in the know and never questioned why I wasn't wearing a coat as I'd left in a hurry or turned up with a bunch of keys for the front door, back door, rear gate and car!

Stay in touch and seek help from professional agencies, who can also guide you through this. 

Love and light x

[Radcliff]

Hi Snowglobe, how are things going for you?  What are your thoughts on Skip's and my questions?

Best,

Wentworth

[snowglobe]

@Skip,
The last time I was slapped on the shoulder was about two months ago, it was still summer. He was disregulated, and his typical coping is to play on his phone. All of the games he ever played were strategies, but every time he looses, which is eventually inevitable, he beggings to tak to himself. Most of self talk is negative. He then falls into rejection mode “don’t talk to me, don’t look at me, don’t touch me... .”, he then goes to sleep to another rooms all the while cussing and spitting profanities at me every time I pass him by. The worst is when he is telling me to drive while he is playing. I dread those moments, because by very least I will be subjected to belittling, verbal abuse and scrutiny. At its worse he could slap my shoulder, get out of the car in the middle of the road and then subject me to silent treatments for weeks at a time.

Before he becomes physically aggressive, he usually is in a foul mood to begin with, naming me for everything that is wrong in his life. The triggers are usually minor, from a late bill to coordinating activities with kids and other every day things. He hates being a hands on dad, when he does it, he can only tolerate it in small qualities. I used to be so puzzled when our kids were younger, how could he not want to partake in their raising. I could count the number of times he took them to the park, or gave them a bath, or read a book. These intimate moments are the worse. He later gives me a tyrad on how he “doesn’t live for himself, that he needs to do things that he enjoys more”

[Radcliff]

Hi Snowglobe, remind us when your Dad is due back?  Has there been any more talk about kicking your parents out, or has that settled down?

Wentworth

[snowglobe]

@Skip,
My defiance has probably made these violent outburst more, it’s like he is trying to dominate me, by intimidating. Once I’m compliant and quiet his outburst slowly subsides. He doesn’t hurt our kids, he knows it’s wrong, yet even after lashing out on me I never get an apology. Afterwards He is quietly withdrawn for weeks at a time.
Re: my father- Skip, as I mentioned before both my parents, but especially my dad take an active role in everyday life. From lawn mowing to parenting our kids, carpooling, dinner cooking and everything in between. Because of that, my uBPDh’s stress level is significantly lower and at least our kids life is being carried out as if nothing is happening. He is also observing the boundaries, and has never physically assaulted in close proximity to them.

[snowglobe]

Dear @Wentworths, thank you so much, all of you beautiful people are like superheros that help me save the day. Dropping the theatricals, my dad is back on the 20th. The conversation over my parents moving out has died out. I validated him to the point of nausea, sweetened the deal with my mom apologizing for butting into our business. He isn’t 100% happy, but doesn’t bring it again

[Skip]

The last time I was slapped on the shoulder was about two months ago, it was still summer. ... //... The worst is when he is telling me to drive while he is playing (phone games). I dread those moments, because by very least I will be subjected to belittling, verbal abuse and scrutiny. At its worse he could slap my shoulder, get out of the car in the middle of the road and then subject me to silent treatments for weeks at a time.

Before he becomes physically aggressive, he usually is in a foul mood to begin with, naming me for everything that is wrong in his life. The triggers are usually minor

My defiance has probably made these violent outburst more, it’s like he is trying to dominate me, by intimidating. Once I’m compliant and quiet his outburst slowly subsides. He doesn’t hurt our kids, he knows it’s wrong

OK, this really helps to picture what you are dealing with. To paraphrase, he gets triggered, goes into a mood burn, is disrespectful to you, you push back, he amps up... .He controls himself around the kids. Does that describe it.

That doesn't sound flashing red light urgent, he has his wits about himself to a certain level and you can see the freight train coming and get out of the way (at the very least, not amp up the situation).

To ask a hard question... .when he gets in a foul mood, do you engage him, and that's when things escalate to the red zone? If you stay neutral, does he stay at a less than red zone abusiveness level (e.g., disrespectful, rude, but not intimidating, physical, screaming)?

I'm searching for a place to latch on to help advise you. These thing escalate and there the glass has been broken (he slapped your shoulder). I'm trying to understand the transaction dynamics that precede him amping way up and how much you inadvertently fuel that.

[snowglobe]

To ask a hard question... .when he gets in a foul mood, do you engage him, and that's when things escalate to the red zone? If you stay neutral, does he stay at a less than red zone abusiveness level (e.g., disrespectful, rude, but not intimidating, physical, screaming)?

I'm searching for a place to latch on to help advise you. These thing escalate and there the glass has been broken (he slapped your shoulder). I'm trying to understand the transaction dynamics that precede him amping way up and how much you inadvertently fuel that.

Dear Skip, I do try to engage him by softly taking, asking him if I can get him anything, rubbing his feet to calm him down... .almost to the degreee of being a doormat. If I stay Beirut’s he projects his rejection on to me “you were fine for a week while I slept on the couch, now you want to know when I come back” or “things are ___ty at work, not like you care, now you want money?.” Or, if I try to placate him by physical touch “go find yourself a lover, someone to take care of you” if I fall asleep while putting kids to bed “go back where you came from”. What I non verbally feel, something he doesn’t say out loud, but I love it every day. Is that when he is mad, he wants to hurt me, by standing neutral it only excalades his abuse and the mental torture to extreme. From assurances of cheating on me at the massage parlour, to declarations that all that I’m. Providing can be solved with a housekeeper and a hooker. There is emotional value that I present for him, he mentions it on a regular basis. Once he inflicts enough emotional turmoil, and I cry or feel scared, his mood suddenly shifts and he is as happy as a clam. If I ignore him, act very aggressively, without saying anything, avoid him, but carry myself very confidently, he starts looking for my company and interaction. The later stage for me, if when I’m detaching and considering all possible outcomes, kind of like a last stage. I hate this feeling, like a predator  before the leap all of my senses and heightened, Adrenalin is pumping through my heart, I barely eat and prepare myself for fight or flight mode. That is when he becomes “nice”, wants sex, attention, interaction, “buy me something nice”. When he tries to “make up” during this stage, I hate it, I don’t want to be anywhere near him. So I try not to Escalade myself to that level. Ultimately, I try very very hard to placate him and Make it a comfortable existence for our kids. It seems that the harder I try, the less it works. The cycles are shorter, because I don’t fight back, but they are daily. Skip, I have read so many wonderful, blunt and “not sugar coated” advices from you to other members. Please, help me find the way out of this maze

[Skip]

asking him if I can get him anything, rubbing his feet to calm him down... .almost to the degreee of being a doormat.

Soothing him is generally not a good idea... .you want to be supportive, but not to the point of taking over his need to self sooth.

My defiance has probably made these violent outburst more

Defiance is not good either.

Can you give an example of what you mean by this?

[snowglobe]

Soothing him is generally not a good idea... .you want to be supportive, but not to the point of taking over his need to self sooth.

Defiance is not good either.

Can you give an example of what you mean by this?

I try to prevent him from escalating, always to the point when he wants to “live alone, separate, divorce, we are two different people, nothing in common”. This is my worst fear and I try to do something, to please him and prevent him from going there. In the past, especially when I was much younger, I was depressed for weeks at hand, crying and completely lost the will to live. He was going about telling me thAt he didn’t love me anymore, that we should divorce and I was begging him to “give me a chance, to change, to fix this, to show him that I’m worthy to be with”. Once, after 3 years of being together he actually left, I had a baby on my hands, I was calling him, with no avail. He showed up at the park, where I was walking with the stroller. Telling me that we need to divorce, I help myself together and then just lost it. Started crying and begging him to stay, he “let me talk him into staying”, but moved us out from my parents Home. Those 3 years of living just the 3 of us was the worst in my life. With no ascountabiliy he was constantly splitting on daily basis while emotionally abusing me. I was eating the pain away, and he was calling me a fat cow that no one wants. That any sexual relations between us are out of pity, he does it because anyone else would be repulsed by me. He was telling me, and still does, that all my complains, or adressing his behaviour, “you know where the door is, if you don’t like it, Let’s divorce”. “My way or highway” . Now, can you see how I’m trying to prevent things from surfacing for my children to see?.

Regarding defiance. Once I’m pushed to the point when I’m hurting, I tell him to “shove him money up his a$$, when he says something about business, I reply good for you, when he asks me to do something, I tell him you have hands, go and do it” . All of my attitude changes to the point that my anger is palpable, he starts to make things even worse. Take solo trips, retreat and only show his head to make a remark that he know will target the pain.

[Skip]

You seem very frustrated. What would you like to see happen to make things better?

[Skip]

Continued here:
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=316059.0