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Myheadisspinning
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How to explain to a child
«
on:
September 14, 2017, 12:02:49 PM »
My fiancé 's daughter has undiagnosed BPD. She is bulemic, beyond moody and thrives on drama. Her daughter is nine. I can't tolerate going to anymore family functions because she is too unpredictable and makes everyone miserable. Up to now whenever there is a Christmas party or birthday party she will act like a child and start verbally attacking my fiancé ( her dad). My fiancé wants to see his granddaughter play soccer and I told him that I am no longer going with him because she makes me feel uncomfortable and invisible (she ignores me) He asked me how to explain to his grandchild why I will no longer be going to games, parties, graduations etc. He needs to know what to say to the child that will not inflame the mother or cast me as the villain. Any suggestions ?
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Sprinkledinkles
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Posts: 20
Re: How to explain to a child
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Reply #1 on:
September 14, 2017, 12:18:42 PM »
A new project is going to be utilizing a lot more of your time now. As for holidays maybe you could say you want to spend more time with your side of the family now.
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Notwendy
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Posts: 10442
Re: How to explain to a child
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Reply #2 on:
September 16, 2017, 07:43:48 AM »
I think it is good that you know the boundaries with this- what you will or will not tolerate.
One thing to consider is the dynamics in a family with a disordered person. There is the person- then there is everyone connected with them. When you marry this man, you become part of this family.
I think it is tough for a parent to cut contact with a grown child- even if that person is disordered. It's tough also when there is a grandchild involved. If your fiance limits contact with his D, he then doesn't have contact with this grandchild.
Consider your stance carefully. Keep the drama triangle in mind. You will likely be cast in persecutor position. This doesn't mean you compromise your boundaries but you also can not control how your fiance's daughter sees you. What kind of dilemma do you put your fiance in when he wants to have a family occasion that includes everyone.
What to say to the grandchild? Of all the people involved, she is the least responsible. If you are going to be her new grandma and don't foster a relationship with her- she loses, and so do you.
An adult taking victim position on the triangle is dysfunctional. But in all of this dysfunction, there is one potential true victim and that is the child. She did not choose her situation and is powerless to make any decisions for herself. She is dependent on the adults in her life. What do you say to her? I can not think of anything to say to her that isn't hurtful or inappropriate. You can't tell her you can't stand her mother. Children don't think rationally like adults. They are magical thinkers. She's going to think you don't like her and that it is her fault.
Going to see a child play a sport is not about their parent. It is about the child. IMHO ,I am not in your shoes but in the choice between my being irritated at a soccer game by someone else, and my wish to foster a relationship with my future grandchild, I choose the child. I would go to the game and leave the father-daughter drama to your fiance and his daughter. It is a public arena. There is only so much she can do that won't call too much attention to herself. In other areas, I would have boundaries- maybe not attend all family functions that involved being in private with her.
The child won't be 9 forever. When she is a teen, she may want to do things on her own with her grandpa and step-grandma- without her mother. However, if the relationship is damaged now, this may not be the case. This BPD daughter may be hard to deal with, but if she - and her daughter are going to be a part of your married lives together, it may be better to learn to manage BPD rather than draw a division between you, the daughter and grandchild, with your fiance in the middle forcing to choose between time with his family and with you.
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