Advice needed for grown BPD daughter

[Sky Blue]

I'm new to this site. Am looking for parents to talk to whose story resonates with mine and who can offer advice. I'm a single mom by choice. My daughter's just turned 21, adopted from Russia at age 1. Don't know much about her background and parents. I never knew about BPD til recently, and she fits the profile. Her life has included lots of tantrums (starting age 2), anger, substance abuse, oppositional and risky behavior, major academic and social struggles at school, failure to make friends or lasting friends, verbal abuse toward me, pushing away anyone I'm close to including my sister and her family (and only cousins), not wanting counseling or other help from adults, traumatic and disruptive holidays trying to be together as a family, a couple brushes with the law, stealing from me and from my mom, etc. She is gorgeous, 6' tall and blond, presents very well and holds a lot back from (and lies to) authority figures, has been a talented athlete and is very artistic, so I was never able to get much help from the school district for her, and she didn't get far in the therapy she would only do for a short time. She often sat silent during sessions. She attended four different high schools, was kicked out of one (private school) for rule-breaking and was in one outpatient hospitalization program for a few weeks for depression. She did an internships in high school with a fashion designer and a college costume department and wanted to try college to study costume design. And I needed her to go. We could no longer live together. I did not feel safe in the house with her -- she hit me in the face a few weeks before college began -- and things were always combative. She'd smoke pot in the house and deny it, I'd find condoms in the toilet and she wouldn't say a word. I called the police a few times and she's never forgiven me. Consequences/punishments never work. Yet, at times she could be incredibly loving and thoughtful. It was maddening and still is. I'm a very peaceful person, was not prepared for this force of nature in my life, despite the help I sought and received from therapists. I sold my small house and set her up in Southern Cal at a community college (we visited multiple times first, met the swim coach and the program director multiple times), but after two years of ups and downs, suicidal thoughts, difficult relationships, dropping classes and increased substance abuse, speeding tickets and a major car accident, she dropped out, without my knowledge. She also had admitted to me that she'd been raped by four boys in high school, twice. By the same boys. Didn't want to report it and won't get help to this day. I know this explains some of her edginess and anxiety (as does her first year alone in an orphanage that didn't appear to be properly staffed), and also the promiscuity that's ensued the past few years. Financially, I'm in a bad spot, and I feel I'm losing her. She's refused to come home to live, says she has bad memories from Northern Cal and also feels like the black sheep in the family, and we couldn't live peacefully together anyway. This is her first school year not in school. We've made a pact to split costs until she can get on her feet with a job that pays the bills, but it's not going well. She breaks promises, cuts me off and won't stay in touch, is verbally abusive at times, constantly calls me for extra money because she spends wildly, and while we have had good visits in SoCal together (I try to fly down affordably every few months), they're usually followed by the opposite behavior long distance once I get back to my home in Northern Cal. I'm without her -- and so are her darling grandparents and wonderful aunt, uncle and cousins -- on holidays, Mother's Day and recently, my 60th birthday. This is not how I want things to be, and it's heartbreaking. She doesn't even call on special occasions. She says it's because she knows she won't have the holidays/vacations of her dreams, which involve luxe hotels and shopping and gifts and partying. We haven't had those kinds of vacations. But we used to have nice holidays and birthdays as a twosome, when she was younger. She's working as the manager of a small consignment shop that caters to college kids, and she likes it, but it doesn't pay the bills. She's made no attempt to get a better job because she likes this one. She's fallen in with coworkers who party and who have connections to people who sell pot and ecstasy and other substances. She's also been involved in making extra money, because she can't control her spending (on clothes, pot, alcohol, pills) by having sexual encounters with men through online porn sites and recently has started connecting with men who advertise as sugar daddies and who give her money and sometimes other gifts for sex. For a time, she had a fantasy that one of these men would get her pregnant and that he'd marry her, and she wouldn't have any more financial worries. I believe he recently dropped her. (And no, she won't get on birth control, as much as I warn her. She doesn't like condoms and feels birth control pills will make her fat... .she also takes laxatives to try and lose weight). We share a joint checking account, and I'll see deposits show up of $400-500, and she'll tell me exactly where that money comes from. These are not regular encounters with men, but when they happen, I notice. I've tried to speak with her about the dangers, and called a national hotline for advice. But she is going to do what she wants to do. Now, I'm in a new and worse situation with her where she's cut off all contact me me for weeks because she was disappointed in the way I handled her recent 21st birthday. She'd asked for some extravagant set-up (like me renting an AirBnB for her friends at the beach (no way) or two hotel rooms at the beach (no way) for her to party with friends, then gave up and said she had to work anyway and didn't want to do anything. But I've been with her every birthday she's had, and bought a cheap ticket to at least visit her and celebrate with dinner out, going to the beach, etc. When she heard I wasn't at least booking a nice hotel for us to stay in at the beach, she completely blew up, told me not to visit, and returned a gift I subsequently sent her in the mail (a thoughtful letter, card, and a few gift cards for treats she likes, like Starbucks, etc.) and I believe she threw out the cards, letters and gift cards my mom and sister sent her. This is the longest I haven't heard from her -- about 2 weeks -- in her life. When she does text, it's in a rage. The last text I got said she hoped me and my family would "all go straight to hell." My nephew's wedding is coming up in October, and I believe she's jealous of the attention she imagines we're all giving to that event, and expected the same level of attention for her 21st. We all did our best, from the heart, but I will not be called names and cater to her whims. She is trying so hard, always, to control me, to control my family, and hasn't spoken to my sister, brother-in-law and niece and nephew for years. I have a feeling I could be next on the list. Can any of you identify with anything I've mentioned? I need to figure out how I'm going to move on... .our finances are tied up together (I am guarantor on her lease through next July and, because she's not reliable with money, I take money out of her paychecks when they're deposited in our joint account and pay the bills for her, throwing in my contribution. She now pays almost all her rent, but can't pay for her other bills, like utilities, internet, phone. I want to start getting her trained to pay bills, but until she gets a better job, I can't let go financially or she really will wind up doing more sex work. I can't bear the thought of her being homeless or living even more in danger. Yet if there's nothing between us except money -- and I hope this isn't true -- I need to start moving out of this situation. I don't want to lose her, I don't want her to take her own life, but if she won't work with me on anything, and cuts off communication, I might have to do something extreme. But what? And how will it go? What are the possible outcomes? Abandonment seems to be her worst fear, and I don't want her to feel I'm not there for her.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[incadove]

Hi Sky Blue

I'm glad you are here.  You sound very dedicated to your daughter - selling your home to pay for her college!  -  and very caring about her future.  I think everyone's story here is of course different and unique, but I do think you will find a lot of people who resonate with your story and have been through the same emotional roller coaster.  The worry, heartbreak, frustration, feeling used, feeling scared, sometimes having a loving and close time, I definitely identify with all those feelings though my ride has been easier and is now in a good place, at the moment.

What is your biggest worry right now?  You mention the sex work, do you think at some level your dd is ashamed of doing that, and maybe wants to change her lifestyle if she felt she could?  

I feel you in not letting yourself be controlled or spoken to abusively!  And it doesn't help her to let her do that, even if she is feeling desperate to have that ability.   I think not seeing it in black and white may help, its not a matter of cutting off contact necessarily, but just detaching a little bit while she figures out life on her own for a while.  She may appreciate you much more after she has been more separate for a while.  But yes, I think there are risks with that.  

Have you had a chance to read the materials and watch the videos on the right?  Some of those can be useful in reducing the conflicts, and I find focusing on my own behavior and skills helps reduce the negative emotion.  The validation one may be helpful if somewhere inside she's ashamed of her life right now, to validate that she is able to keep a job and take that level of responsibility, and recognize anything else she is doing that takes effort.  She may feel too overwhelmed or afraid of failure to get a better job, but so frustrating to then have her either demanding your money or doing demeaning things.

Does she have an intention of being a good person and a concept of what principles she wants to live by? (even though she obviously treated you awfully around this birthday thing, and she may not understand that, does she want generally to try to be a good person?  this isn't really discussed on the right, but I think trying to demonstrate principled behavior and to ask her to behave kindly towards you because its the right thing to do, can be helpful.)  

DBT is a proven therapy for people with BPD.  I've realized that most BPD therapists at least the ones I've seen seem to want to wait for the client to 'hit bottom' and really want to change.  So maybe this spiral is going to lead to that point, and if you are still in contact with her, maybe you can seize that sensitive moment and help her decide if she wants to seriously change her life, whatever that means - go back to therapy, go back to school, or whatever change she really wants to do.

Sorry this message may be heavy on advice instead of empathy!  You know your daughter best and it sounds like you have been very close to her for a long time!   I just want to offer hope, but yes it is very scary, and please keep posting here on how you progress.