WON custody of kids from BPD Ex Tried saving marriage from Affair

[icesoul]

i wanted to give an update from my posts i made few months back. im very happy, i won custody of my kids 5months ago from my crazy ex. she got supervised visitation. its almost a year that we been separated. i can finally write about now that im healing more and more due to her infidelity. initially my heart was shattered to million pieces cause i loved the woman to death and never thought she would sink that low.  she is extremely narcissistic with no remorse. now that the pain has subsided, i can see her deliberate plan to destroy me to have the upper hand in divorce/child support. im not sure if it was entirely her plan or the BF was in on it. thank god, it all failed and four little lives were saved. here is the time line.

2009- married loved bombed

2009-2015. real good marriage, thought i found woman of my dream but not without red flags. very open about everything, too open. since the beginning her behavior was a bit strange, she was extremely overly sensitive to criticism. she would give unnecessary silent treatments, wouldnt let me go out alone, even if it was a small trip to a grocery store. the more i lived with her, realized she was very child like, i put strong boundaries and it worked, she tried to change herself, we had kids, and her behavior slowly improved after we had children. we had 3 beautiful kids at this point.

2016- moved to another state, the madness begins when i got her a new cellphone - (put password on phone (up till this point, she didnt openly hide anything from me), she became hostile, argumentative (circular), she didnt want hardwire internet (possibly cause she knew she can get caught vs wifi), secretive, intense mood swings and angry, gas-lighting, accuse me of cheating, sitting on texts late nights not wanting to come to bed. every-time i questioned it, she said it was private conversations between her and her mom. due to her new strange behavior, i would google it and finally landed on something called "borderline personality" and everything matched.

mid 2016- due to this new aggressive behavior. i was fed up. i mostly did everything in marriage and with the kids. over the years she was irresponsible and didnt contribute much to household chores, i guess i have spoiled her. she started to be on texts more and more, i had my suspicions. and we argued about that why she had a password, were married and shouldnt have secrets. i had enough of her and i finally told her i would divorce her if she dont correct her behavior (i didnt mean it, it was my immature way of dealing with the situation). i also wanted another child which she was opposing. anyway, the divorce threat must have  triggered her abandonment issues. one night, we had a big argument, i went sleep, and i was greeted with PD in my room the very morning, and was arrested for domestic violence over her lies. its so easy to manipulate the system. come to find out she injured herself with blade and blamed it on me. i have no jail record, and my family was furious with her cause they knew she lied about the whole thing. about this time i saw a new side of her. she called all my family members and started complaining about how much of a terrible husband i am but few days later when i saw her, she would never tell me these things in person. this  was the first time she was openly disrespecting me in public.

a month later, we reconciled. something was different about her. maybe she had cheated already (who knows) at this point? she took the password off... re-idealized me again and was extremely nice and told me "look the password is off now". slowly within two months, the arguments started again, and everything was getting worst. she became extremely verbally hostile and aggressive. she felt the power of the law, she even start to threat me of jail time almost daily saying "watch how i will frame you again". she even got cps involved and made false reports to them, but pretended it wasnt her. i was very worried about her behavior. she said "in america, nobody can take children away from the mother" so you will never win. she would say "i will leave you and leave this home", in return i would say well "get lost", which had her even more upset, it was wrong way to deal with the situation but i had enough of her threats. she would respond with "watch what  i will do now, you gave me all these kids and now u want a divorce, i will make you suffer". worst part was i didnt take her seriously, i thought she was just bluffing cause she was just temporarily mad, boy was i wrong. then she started saying stuff like "you dont understand me, and i dont love you no more". it was weird cause a day later she would be back to her normal self, and say im a good guy. we would laugh and have sex like nothing happened. but in private, i would think to myself whats wrong with this woman, one day she is happy and in few minutes to hours later, it would all shift and she was extremely upset. i was worried cause i had 3kids and she was pregnant again and was telling  me she will frame me for rape? What the heck?, to protect myself, i recorded her, and made a police report without telling her and thought i had done enough to protect myself (WRONG!) within two months, she called the PD again and said i wanted to stab her. boom, arrested again unfortunately. it sucked, now i was facing felony charges. she took off from marital home, sold a lot of my business equipment for 1500 which was worth over 5k.

two weeks later my arrest, we didnt know where she was. she posted pictures with affair partner and my kids under a fictitious name. i dont know how but her family member saw it and called me and notified me about what was happening. when saw those pictures, i was in a real shock, my life had changed forever that day,  i drove and drove with my mind racing. i was so broken hearted, how can my wife do this to me? i knew all her cold demeanor and fighting was the reason cause she was having an affair. then i went into denial blaming myself that i could of done more, and then started using her BPD illness as an excuse telling myself maybe thats why she was acting crazy. but it was beyond illness, this was done deliberately to punish me cause somehow she feels wronged.

someone  exposed the affair to her family and friends. and she got the ultimate abandonment as a consequence, everyone rejected her from friends to family. they dont talk to her no longer what she done to herself, me and the kids. anyway, 2 months after the affair, she didnt have money, food for kids. she texted my family that she needed help, she said she didnt want a divorce. she said she left marital home cause there were too many arguments. my family drove there, council-ed her about how wrong/bad the affair is for the kids. i was willing to give her a chance at this point but i was an emotional train wreck to deal with this. my fam bought her and the kids food, clothes, and gave her money, she said she wanted to come back and end her affair. my family said they were not forcing her and the decision has to come from her, is that what you want? she said yes... i couldnt talk to her due to the court order... maybe i could of convinced her to save the marriage due to the kids but i knew she was dangerous and i didnt want to take my chance getting on the phone.

few days later, she disapeared, told my family not to contact her unless she contacts them first. my family tried writing to her no answers. my family saw a pic of her kissing the affair partner and texted her that she didnt keep her promise, and maybe its best to divorce. the word divorce,immediately gota resonance and she texted  back that my family has no right to get involved between me and her, and its up to attorney general (i guess she was reffering to child support n all) and she finally said she is ready for divorce. she told her friends, i will die paying her child support... around two months after leaving me, she moved in with this loser guy. she moved with a stranger with my kids someone she met over texts messages, thats dangerous, the guy has criminal background of theft... the place looked like crap

few months go by we can see the pictures of kids and they didnt look happy. she gave birth to my newborn baby where she wouldnt let me see any of the kids. i was concerned, but i knew if i file too early  her position would be much stronger due to the cases i was facing. so i waited. luckily she made a lot of mistakes, drinking  alcohol and now bragging affair online with no shame. finally filed for divorce, showed the judge her behavior...

judge was furious that she alienated me from the kids and didnt let me see the knew born, and i won the emergency temp order of the kids after 7 months of not seeing them. at the court she looked angry that she lost but kept asking judge, is this temp order? she almost was irritated with the judge. later that night we went to go pick them, she almost appeared to be happy (pschopath) to hand them over to us, saying "mommy will come see you" she looked happy like she can now enjoy the life she wanted with the affair partner. the kids looked so bad, lost a lot of weight, and on coming home, the eldest had belt marks on his back. he told me that the boyfriend abused and beat him... i immediately notified the law enforcement... how can she let a stranger beat her kids? so sad

its been 5months, the kids have recovered a lot,the are happy, gained weight. she havent came to see them, not once, but texts and use every opportunity to make disparaging comments against me and show some sort of fake love how she cares about them. she lives like 100miles away but she havent made any attempts to see them. were just waiting final divorce so all our orders can finalize. i cant lie, i still love her deep down since living with someone body for 6-7years i miss the good times but i realized what a monster she has become. she  broke my heart with infidelity, im not the same person, im numb to the pain and i dont think i can ever forgive that. initially i wanted to give it a chance due to the kids but i dont know if i could of handled it. she lost someone who really cared for her. i still have think about what i could of done differently that she didnt go down this path. the guy she moved in with is a complete loser, he lives in a very bad & poor neightborhood. and is complete a douche and a child abuser.

i wonder if she will ever learn her lesson, or realize what she lost? or atleast think about how this situation made her lose her children. are BPD even capable of this type of loss and pain? when she interacts with them on video, she looks fine with her nonchalant attitude. she has lost everything over this affair, her family, her self respect, she is insane. its sad, i never wanted to give my children a broken home but i guess i cant control her or her actions, thats just life.  affair changes us, its brutal but what worst is how its going to effect the children in long run. i wish i never lost her to the affair partner, i still think about her and miss her till this day but i dont think i can ever forgive her what she has done to me and this family.

[Skip]

she lives like 100miles away but she havent made any attempts to see them. were just waiting final divorce so all our orders can finalize. i cant lie, i still love her deep down since living with someone body for 6-7years i miss the good times but i realized what a monster she has become.

It's an incredible story.

So at this point, what is the visitation split (if she were to get active)?

[icesoul]

___ this world man. Life is extremely unfair at times,especially with how the courts favor women.Winning custody of your kids is a BIG win imo. Best case scenario would be if you could keep the kids permanently and raise them yourself. You could have reported the boyfriend that left belt marks on your kid to start adding evidence to your case. Anyways,good luck on winning custody and hopefully your kids will eventually regain their stability in the new circumstance that was presented.

life is unfair but i realize i cant control  the outcome. im  an adult, i can handle the pain but hopefully i can train my kids to be so strong minded that they can whether this storm as well.  i "let her go" and let her figure it out on her own. shes enjoying the freedom from marriage so far, drinking, adultery and everything but all of that comes with a price (short term enjoyment with longterm consequencess). im no longer responsible for her mess, her mom didnt help either which i believe is another borderline who keep on pushing her to punish me. she said her cheating was the outcome of bad marriage (yea right). initially i thought i had to "save" her out of the situation, but i reading all the blogs, made me realize that in a way it makes me an enabler so i stopped. i learned a lot reading about the disorder so i backed out. before my family was trying to talk sense into her but it didnt go nowhere.  she is treating this ugly piece of crap man like he's the husband and im the boyfriend. worst part he is been very aggressive. at court hearings he was hostile towards me and family giving dirty looks. the bailer had to ask him to leave.

it was definetly big, i couldnt believe it when judge told her the kids are going to the father. i felt beyond happy cause i knew there little souls were suffering to be in presence of a stranger who was abusive and i wasnt there to protect them. plus my boy told me that they were doing inappropriate stuff in front of him  and told him to "turn his head". hes only five, so you can imagine what he was going through as a 5yr old to see mom make out with another man (disguising, she  is sick person), i doubt he will forget all of this.

yes it was a temp order. from what i hear that temp order turns into permanent order cause judges dont  like change things if its not broken but well see. i hope its true but i have strong evidence. i reported the abuse from boyfriend and took pictures and i will bring them up at the final hearing for divorce. kids are very happy, they dont even ask about her. my son said he need someone that can take care of them, cause his mom  is "bad". i asked him why he said that he's too young to explain.

[icesoul]

It's an incredible story.

So at this point, what is the visitation split (if she were to get active)?

i have sole custody, judge even gave us the newborn (3month at the time). what a great judge. i had a very  good lawyer, she showed up without one. she has 3-4 supervised visitation every month which she havent exercised. im speculating but i think, shes waiting on divorce thinking she will get more days. thats why at trial, we have to show all the abuse that took place. what nailed her in front of the judge her open cps case. right around the time when i filed for divorce, i found out that the social services were on to her. somebody reported her for child neglect and neglectful supervision. and when i went to hearing, judge told her if she dont cooperate with the agency the kids can end up in foster which was real scary. luckily before the agency could act, i was able to get the kids out of that situation. it was a miracle. the BF was posting videos online of them being drunk even though they had a court order not to be under  the influence. i think he wanted her to himself, thats why he was doing all of this to lose the kids, why else he would be so reckless especially when they were both court ordered... she is going to learn the hard way the guy is a wolf in sheeps clothing. affairs are fantasy, she lost everything. i think the plan was to sink me and live off child support/ food stamps with affair partner and with added bonus of torture/punish me.  im hoping they keep the court order the same way at final hearing, i have stronger evidence now. she is dangerous for the children, she can go to any extent from what she has done to me in the past.

[Skip]

Wow.

[Harley Quinn]

icesoul,

Thank you for posting this and congratulations on getting the order!  I'm so happy for your children that they have a safe and stable environment now with their father.  I know it must be hard to imagine what they have been through and the long term effects that are possible from this, however with your love and care they can still turn out just great.  I'm so sorry to hear about what you've all been through.  Here's to a bright future for your family.  Good luck with the permanent order, not that I think you'll need any.  Stay strong for your children.

Love and light x

[icesoul]

icesoul,

Thank you for posting this and congratulations on getting the order!  I'm so happy for your children that they have a safe and stable environment now with their father.  I know it must be hard to imagine what they have been through and the long term effects that are possible from this, however with your love and care they can still turn out just great.  I'm so sorry to hear about what you've all been through.  Here's to a bright future for your family.  Good luck with the permanent order, not that I think you'll need any.  Stay strong for your children.

Love and light x

i think i got lucky or maybe it was all the prayers and God's  plan in  action. the children are definitely happy and gained a lot of healthy weight. all she does is text non stop being argumentative or shows on text how much she cares but her actions show otherwise. what kinda mother wont visit 4 children, its sad. my son even brings up how he wants a new mom that can take care of him, and be nice to him, i ask him why? he says" i dont know, she's bad", hes too young to process what has happened. atleast he is open to the idea, so thats good a sign. she was leaving kids with strangers to go to work, kids also got hurt under her care. she  was terrible, maybe somebody saw what was happening, im guessing it was the hospital staff, cause she also got the  newborn sick. she is mentally sick, she CANNOT take care of the babies, but in her mind she think she is a great mom, and some sort of victim. even when we lived together, i did most of the household chores and helped with children, so i when i won them, it wasnt all that difficult. the night we picked up the kids, the daughter looked very disturbed, she didnt talk for a week and she was so malnourish & week that she can barely eat, her hands were shaking, now she is healthy as ever. she i think lost about 8-10 pounds during the 7 months she was with her. it was worrisome, god forbid, she would of turned the daughther like herself from the emotional abuse she was  putting them. she knows how to do it since she been abused by her mother, they have  a love hate relationship, she was repeating the same patterns.

[icesoul]

how do BPD handle losing sole custody? im my situation in court she looked kinda confused cause she was overconfident that they dont take kids away from the mother. went from being angry to being happy when she handed kids to my family... in 5months. she been texting but no signs of visitation. probably so cause she dont like spend money or maybe the current BF is the hurdle cause hes worried somehow shell return to family (which he is wrong). i wont accept her anymore. i already given her plenty of chances in the beginning of her infedility, she has crossed all limitss/ boundaries. i even did the stupid "pick me" dance cause i was given wrong advice to "do it for the kids" which made her repel against me even more. on our final order, im sure shes hoping to get more.

do these people have any remorse? regrets? from the looks of it it doesnt seem like it. she an alien to me now, i no longer understand her poor behavior (infidelity, drinking, partying, hostile, vindictive). i thought i knew the person who was sweet and kind. i was very very wrong. she had literally destroyed me with cases, selling equipment and her exit affair but im stronger now emotionally and i live for my kids. maybe she thought she found someone better but well see how long this mess last. im just curious. how can she deal with this? none of her family talks to her due to affair except a selected few. she lost all respect, her family, kids. i wonder when it will hit her? that she has self destructed. so far she seems ok with the replacement.

any thoughts? i know it would be speculation but id still like to hear few opinions from the people who dealt with any situation close to mine.

[Harley Quinn]

Hi icesoul,

how do BPD handle losing sole custody? im my situation in court she looked kinda confused cause she was overconfident that they dont take kids away from the mother. went from being angry to being happy when she handed kids to my family... in 5months. she been texting but no signs of visitation. probably so cause she dont like spend money or maybe the current BF is the hurdle cause hes worried somehow shell return to family (which he is wrong).

This would be a good question for the Family Law board.  You may get more replies from those in similar situations there.  I'd suggest starting a new post on that board on this specific topic.

Love and light x

[icesoul]

Hi icesoul,

This would be a good question for the Family Law board.  You may get more replies from those in similar situations there.  I'd suggest starting a new post on that board on this specific topic.

Love and light x

Ok I will start a post in other one. Thanks...

Btw I beat the domestic violence case today too, game over for her , case dismissed

[Harley Quinn]

do these people have any remorse? regrets? from the looks of it it doesnt seem like it. she an alien to me now, i no longer understand her poor behavior (infidelity, drinking, partying, hostile, vindictive). i thought i knew the person who was sweet and kind. i was very very wrong. she had literally destroyed me with cases, selling equipment and her exit affair but im stronger now emotionally and i live for my kids. maybe she thought she found someone better but well see how long this mess last. im just curious. how can she deal with this? none of her family talks to her due to affair except a selected few. she lost all respect, her family, kids. i wonder when it will hit her? that she has self destructed. so far she seems ok with the replacement.

any thoughts? i know it would be speculation but id still like to hear few opinions from the people who dealt with any situation close to mine.

From what you've described of what she has gone through to this point, I'd say that how she deals with it is badly.  The typical behaviour of my ex in extremely painful circumstances was to run from it, hard and fast.  That could mean by literally leaving those things behind him, or by turning to drugs or other self destructive behaviours, building a completely new life and persona for himself to effectively 'start over as someone new'.  These kinds of things.  He caused some terrible things in his own life.  Did he know how awful the stuff was that happened in his life?  Yes.  Did he have regrets?  I'd say so.  Most definitely.  However he hid from these and buried them as deeply as he could, so as not to deal with the pain that these caused. 

A pwBPD feels their emotions much more intensely than we do, so can we really blame them for avoiding confronting awful events head on?  Shame is one of the worst things for a pwBPD to handle, and he felt shame intensely, which brought about those maladaptive coping mechanisms.  I believe your ex may be trying to find a way to escape the horror of the situation she has created for herself.  Does that seem to fit with her past behaviour?

I'm glad that you won your other case and can now focus solely on the children.  It must be a great relief to you.  Stay strong for your kids and look after yourself.

Love and light x 

[Fie]

Hello Icesoul 

I am happy to hear that you and your kids are safe and have each other.
You all had a lot to go through. Would it be an option for you to have family therapy, you and your kids together, to be able to cope with everything ?

xx

[icesoul]

From what you've described of what she has gone through to this point, I'd say that how she deals with it is badly.  The typical behaviour of my ex in extremely painful circumstances was to run from it, hard and fast.  That could mean by literally leaving those things behind him, or by turning to drugs or other self destructive behaviours, building a completely new life and persona for himself to effectively 'start over as someone new'.  These kinds of things.  He caused some terrible things in his own life.  :)id he know how awful the stuff was that happened in his life?  Yes.  :)id he have regrets?  I'd say so.  Most definitely.  However he hid from these and buried them as deeply as he could, so as not to deal with the pain that these caused.  

A pwBPD feels their emotions much more intensely than we do, so can we really blame them for avoiding confronting awful events head on?  Shame is one of the worst things for a pwBPD to handle, and he felt shame intensely, which brought about those maladaptive coping mechanisms.  I believe your ex may be trying to find a way to escape the horror of the situation she has created for herself.  :)oes that seem to fit with her past behaviour?

I'm glad that you won your other case and can now focus solely on the children.  It must be a great relief to you.  Stay strong for your kids and look after yourself.

Love and light x  

by reading stuff, makes me feel bad/depress for her, i have compassion for her cause we had great memories. maybe she is hiding ur right. cause she abandoned all of us and she lives with the guy, she no longer  has  any ties with her family or mine cause they all look at her as a skank. she was pregnant so when she got with him, so thats a BIG nono. she left the marital home. when her affair was exposed to her family, she was acting like she was facing them about "what happened", her only tactic was to use smear campaign to distract the family from affair, about how unhappy she was in marriage. we had our issues in mariage due to her crazy mom who always meddled in our personal affairs from day one. i tried my hardest to have communication with her but coudnt understand me and stuck with circular augments, all of this built resentment in her, cause i guess she already had a backup guy through text messages so continued her bad behavior.

you might be right about the self destructive behavior. cause she keep on posting pictures online with the affair kissing him which pissed her/mine family off further. almost felt like she wanted to be hated. im not sure why she posting these disguising pictures, i guess to hurt me. and she also made a lot of other posts about drinking. after she lost the custody, she has stopped all of that shut her page down, so you are right in your assumption about self harm and hiding. she does act like she has completely different personality now with the guy, most likely mirroring the douche bag, so i can imagine how much worst she is going to do further cause he was openly flirting  with other women on his page and was saying she is ok with it.

it does fit her past behavior, during one of her arguments,, she said she did escape her past life with her  ex boyfriend who used her and she wanted to escape from that area so she dont have to face him and left to be with me. i just hope the shame doesnt lead to other stuff like harming her self and god forbid suicide attempt. i want the kids to be away from her cause she is dangerous. she knows i love them so can go to any extent. she has threatened me suicide before with a knife in her hand and running into the bathroom, i had to calm her down, it was very scary to watch. this was when she was devaluing me and constantly arguing the last month she was with me before showing up online two weeks later with the replacement.  

she has noone now except for the douche bag boyfriend of hers who is just using her for sex. every time i reached out her mom try to get her some help, or find her a shelter her mom shut me down, they are both arrogant. they both thought they had custody and cases in the bag. but things dont go according to  plan when you do bad things. honestly there is no winners here. she could of easily exit the marriage without all this unnecessary BS she created with the law. she would say something like "you gave me all these  kids, now you take about leaving me, i will destroy your life" yet she abandoned me first. and it was her who was talking most about leaving. the person that got hurt most from this is herself, and our children. she dont realize that. lately she been texting my sister, that she miss the kids but she dont visit them, and goes out her way to make a point on text, that she miss nobody else, i dont why she say that, maybe she trying to convince the BF she no longer has any interest in me or maybe thats how she really feels. she did put the affair over her own husband and kids, i dont know how can she sleep at night but they do have distorted reality, i cant judge her, only god knows. i hope she finds peace and get her act straightened out.

it feels really good that i now longer has to deal with stupid cases. its a load off my shoulders. the whole system is flawed.  but luckily i had plenty of evidence to fight it. now focus is on the children to raise them the right way. they are innocent, they need love and care.

[Portent]

how do BPD handle losing sole custody? im my situation in court she looked kinda confused cause she was overconfident that they dont take kids away from the mother. went from being angry to being happy when she handed kids to my family... in 5months. she been texting but no signs of visitation. probably so cause she dont like spend money or maybe the current BF is the hurdle cause hes worried somehow shell return to family (which he is wrong). i wont accept her anymore. i already given her plenty of chances in the beginning of her infedility, she has crossed all limitss/ boundaries. i even did the stupid "pick me" dance cause i was given wrong advice to "do it for the kids" which made her repel against me even more. on our final order, im sure shes hoping to get more.

Same thing with my step brother and his BPD mom. She fought like hell and used every dirty trick in the book to stop by SF from having custody. Once she lost she left the state. I'm 37 I was 3 then and I have never seen my bothers mother since then.

It was all about avoiding the label of being a bad mother. Once the court officially labeled her a bad mother there was nothing left to fight for.

[Sluggo]

Congrats.  Good to know that there are some judges that get it. 

[ForeverDad]

she said she did escape her past life with her  ex boyfriend who used her and she wanted to escape from that area so she don't have to face him and left to be with me. i just hope the shame doesn't lead to other stuff like harming her self and god forbid suicide attempt. i want the kids to be away from her cause she is dangerous. she knows i love them so can go to any extent. she has threatened me suicide before with a knife in her hand and running into the bathroom, i had to calm her down, it was very scary to watch... .

First, a typical BPD perspective is that ALL past relationships were abusive.  Since you're now an ex, she will probably forevermore, or at least at times, describe you as abusive, that you stole the kids, fooled the court, etc.  Do not be surprised when she vacillates between vilifying you and speaking well of you.  Her moods and perceptions will be inconsistent and so will her actions and claims.

Second, threatening suicide is a serious matter.  Suicide hotlines encourage reporting to the first responders (police or paramedics) since that is their job to evaluate which they've trained for.  Even if you were a doctor they would still have the assessment responsibility since you have or had a relationship with her.  As I understand it, even doctors don't treat their own families on serious matters since the relationship may get in the way of professional care.  What you should take from this is that reporting threats removes you from having to decide if the suicidal behaviors are indication of needing real help or instead attempts to control and manipulate you.  Of course, be prepared that when you do call for help there's a real possibility that she will Deny making suicidal threats or even claim "you made her do it".  Denial and Blame Shifting are real risks for you, she could even convince the responders that you're the problem person, so be sure to have proof of her threats such as voice mails, texts, emails or recordings.

I'm unclear, is this a final order or just considered an initial or temporary order?