I need support separating from a romantic partner with BPD

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

Dear Community,
I came to BPD Central briefly over a year and a half ago because my long-term live-in relationship was in big trouble.  I did not stay on the forum, partly because my partner and her kids moved out shortly thereafter, but we continued seeing each other for a time.  Then I cheated on her and admitted it behind unmet emotional connection issues and some substance abuse on my part but we have continued to have an on-again off-again sexual and energetic exchange (non-relationship?) that is both incredibly satisfying, and alternately, abjectly demoralizing following frequent blow-ups and miscommunications. I am in therapy and my therapist is encouraging me to stop being sexual with my ex (duh!) but I feel like it's so easy to stay in this arrangement with her.  I feel like I need additional support from people who understand what I am going through (if anyone does) in order to break the chains of this relationship.  I feel that my partner has brainwashed me for years into thinking that I am the one with the BPD symptoms.  Clearly, I have plenty of disorganized thoughts and feelings around my relationship with my (ex) partner, but I am also no longer willing to put up with ongoing emotional abuse and abandonment.  Can I get an amen?

[Readyforsomechan]

Dear Community,
I came to BPD Central briefly over a year and a half ago because my long-term live-in relationship was in big trouble.  I did not stay on the forum, partly because my partner and her kids moved out shortly thereafter, but we continued seeing each other for a time.  Then I cheated on her and admitted it behind unmet emotional connection issues and some substance abuse on my part but we have continued to have an on-again off-again sexual and energetic exchange (non-relationship?) that is both incredibly satisfying, and alternately, abjectly demoralizing following frequent blow-ups and miscommunications. I am in therapy and my therapist is encouraging me to stop being sexual with my ex (duh!) but I feel like it's so easy to stay in this arrangement with her.  I feel like I need additional support from people who understand what I am going through (if anyone does) in order to break the chains of this relationship.  I feel that my partner has brainwashed me for years into thinking that I am the one with the BPD symptoms.  Clearly, I have plenty of disorganized thoughts and feelings around my relationship with my (ex) partner, but I am also no longer willing to put up with ongoing emotional abuse and abandonment.  Can I get an amen?

[Harley Quinn]

Hi Ready and Welcome back!   (Is this a new profile or didn't you post before btw?)

Amen!  It is HARD to break those chains you describe and you'll find so many who can relate to that here so you're certainly in the right place for support and understanding.

You may well have read the articles on the site and the lessons previously, but I'd encourage you to revisit as you're in a different place now to when you were last here.  Those highlighted to the right side of the board are a great place to start. 

I am in therapy and my therapist is encouraging me to stop being sexual with my ex (duh!) but I feel like it's so easy to stay in this arrangement with her.  I feel like I need additional support from people who understand what I am going through (if anyone does) in order to break the chains of this relationship.  I feel that my partner has brainwashed me for years into thinking that I am the one with the BPD symptoms.  Clearly, I have plenty of disorganized thoughts and feelings around my relationship with my (ex) partner, but I am also no longer willing to put up with ongoing emotional abuse and abandonment.

 

How long has this on and off been happening for - the whole 18 months?  I'm wondering what the longest 'off' period was and whether you found any differences in yourself during that time.  In my personal experience, only distance, time and emotional space from the r/s allowed me to break free of my own disorganised thoughts and feelings of fear obligation and guilt about leaving the r/s. 

I'm glad to hear you have a therapist.  Something you mention above stood out to me about it being so easy to stay in this arrangement.  Is it truly easy?  (The emotional abuse part doesn't sound easy to me)  Sometimes what seems easy to us isn't necessarily healthy... .  The unknown can be scary and the prospect of facing that means we can be more inclined to stick with 'better the devil you know' scenarios that aren't particularly good for us (which I have fallen foul to myself).  If you were to stay in this arrangement, where do you see it leading and can that provide what you'd ideally want?  You mention a need for emotional connection and also raised an issue with abandonment.  I'm curious to know if you've identified what your core reason is for not wanting to let go.

I'll look forward to hearing more of your story as you feel able to share.  Keep reading others' posts as you'll see that others do move on and lead more fulfilling lives - so hang in there, it is possible!

Love and light x

     

[Mutt]

Hi RFSC, 



I'd like to echo what Harley Echo said, how much communication do you have with your expwBPD?

[Readyforsomechan]

Hi Ready and Welcome back!   (Is this a new profile or didn't you post before btw?)

Amen!

... .

Thank you HQ,

You raised so many good points I am not sure I can answer them all at once.  I do not recall finding this group 18 months ago. I found BPD central and there was a Yahoo group or something as an offshoot at the time... .this is a new profile and I wasn't really active last time anyway.

No, I have not read any of the articles here yet. I visited the page with the 8-minute video and that affirmed that I am in the right place (https://bpdfamily.com/content/Dr-Jekyll-and-Mr-Hyde) and pretty much dove right into the message board.  That was all I could do at the time, being as distraught as I was.

I made the mistake of sending my ex a link to this page and that was somehow terribly upsetting to her even thought two therapists and a psychiatrist have intimated that she may have BPD symptoms worth treating--and she has been prescribed Tegratol as a mood stabilizer.  Unfortunately, she is currently seeing an MFT (therapist), and previously saw a different one, who both said "I don't see BPD in you."  So she flew into a rage about me pointing out that her symptoms could have something to do with our long history of spirited fighting.

In any case, I came here in crisis on Thursday and met with my ex today to confirm that we are officially ending our non-relationship relationship (do in no small part to my pointing out the role BPD could be playing in our arguments).  It's terribly difficult for me to let go but I know this r/s is holding me back from meeting new people.  

Despite the "truism" that many BPD's core symptom is an intense fear of abandonment, my own fear of abandonment was frequently triggered by my ex's rages that resulted in her fleeing from the scene of a dispute; and this "flight" was a hallmark of my mother's coping strategy from my childhood.  (Enter psychoanalysis: we date the shadows of our primary care providers in adulthood--damn, in my case!)

As for periods of abstinence, I went for two months this spring without being sexual with my ex but then relented and started "non-dating" her again.  

Again, there is so much in your post that I am not sure I can answer at this moment, but it has given me food for thought and ideas about directions I might go from here.

My core reason for not wanting to let it go is probably "fear of being alone" according to my therapist.  He is probably correct, but that feeling is buried pretty deep and it's hard for me to acknowledge it.  There are layers of other painful emotions and dysfunctional coping mechanisms (periodic substance abuse, mostly) which keep me from getting in touch with those deep feelings of childhood abandonment (or perceived abandonment).

Clearly, I have a long way to go and I feel like I am in the right place.  

I am, however, rather demoralized to realize that I have given seven years to r/s that is just crap.  Moreover, I thought I had chosen better this time.  But this r/s is similar to past ones with high emotional drama and withdrawal patterns.  I am so sick of being with women like this and yet I keep attracting them into my life... .I simultaneously seem to repel the healthy, nourishing ones!

As you point out, I am not likely to get what I ultimately seek, a long-term, emotionally stable and healthy r/s, the longer I continue to seek solace with my ex.

However, I am very lonely despite being rather good looking and successful.  My emotional neediness is a highly effective woman repellent and I have had poor results from online dating.  I don't like being alone, and consequently I keep relapsing in the "familiar devil r/s".

I have been told that I need to learn to be happily single and happy alone.  Easier said than done, in my experience.  But people, including my therapist, have suggested getting a dog, and that might actually help a lot!

In any case, I am grateful to find a support community of people who seem to understand the insanity which I have been dealing with and continue to struggle with.

Blessings.
RFSC

[Readyforsomechan]

Hi RFSC, 



I'd like to echo what Harley Echo said, how much communication do you have with your expwBPD?

Thanks for your reply Mutt,

As mentioned in my response to HQ, I met with her today for several hours and we had a cordial conversation, in which she made it clear that she does not want to continue our "friends with benefits" arrangement.  I pretty much pleaded with her to keep it open, but she was remarkably firm (for now).  Even though I agree with her that we are probably better off without one another in our lives, I feel that it's only a matter of time before she comes back ready for more.  It could be a week or more or less (probably two--is my guess), but if history is any indicator, she will be back... .So I need to strengthen my boundaries significantly in order to avoid being sucked back into this dramatic non-relationship. 

To answer you question more directly, we had been seeing each other once or twice a week, and usually texting daily.  I feel like this needs to stop.

What are your thoughts?

Peace,
RFSC

[Harley Quinn]

I think the dog idea is a great one!  Companionship, fun, outdoor activity, responsibility (therefore focus), someone to direct the care giving side of our nature towards and unconditional love.  Very good for the soul all round.  I have two cats and a 3 year old and they give me a great deal of purpose. 

It's terribly difficult for me to let go but I know this r/s is holding me back from meeting new people. 

 

I totally agree.  More than that, I felt that my own r/s was holding me back from truly meeting myself.  If that makes sense?  I too have a long history of dysfunctional relationships and almost came to the conclusion that amid all the chaos I was losing my sense of 'me'.  I've committed now to spend some real time on myself before entering into anything new if I'm to stand a chance of finding a healthy r/s in the future, if there is one out there for me.  I'd advise you to give yourself time enough to grieve and heal before venturing back out there, which I accept may sound hard yet will be worth it long term.  You're worth it and so is your future happiness. 

It is difficult to let go, as you say, and you're far from alone there, as you no doubt already see from some of the other posts here.  We all encounter this because of the intensity of the relationships we experienced with our exes.  Something that helped me a great deal in the early stages was the following article and I hope that it can do the same for you.  It talks of the ten beliefs that can keep us stuck.  Over time I began to tick less of them off as applying to me and this was satisfying as I could see my progress.

https://bpdfamily.com/content/surviving-break-when-your-partner-has-borderline-personality

Do you recognise any of these that may be affecting you currently?

Love and light x

[Readyforsomechan]

I think the dog idea is a great one!  Companionship, fun, outdoor activity, responsibility (therefore focus), someone to direct the care giving side of our nature towards and unconditional love.  Very good for the soul all round... .

... .Something that helped me a great deal in the early stages was the following article and I hope that it can do the same for you.  It talks of the ten beliefs that can keep us stuck.  Over time I began to tick less of them off as applying to me and this was satisfying as I could see my progress.

https://bpdfamily.com/content/surviving-break-when-your-partner-has-borderline-personality

Do you recognise any of these that may be affecting you currently?

Love and light x

Thanks HQ, I agree with a lot of what you wrote.  I think I will stop talking about getting a dog and actually do some research and preparation for getting one (such as creating a fenced yard for when I am away).

You said a lot in the middle of your post that I also relate to, but I am on a deadline for homework that I am carefully avoiding at the moment. So I will push to the end... .

Yes, I read the ten beliefs yesterday and can say that I recognize their existence at various points in my relationship over the years.  But currently I hold very little belief that any kind of magic will bring my ex back into alignment with the healthier functioning habits that many adults take for granted. 

As example, she recently acknowledged that my constant nagging during the first half of our relationship was aimed at trying to make her more accountable as an adult.  But more to the point, she said those same traits and behaviors I was calling out for her attention (such as noticing whether her kids had done their chores or homework before playing video games for hours) were actually tied to her BPD symptoms.  Somehow, I had failed to recognize the connection (ever), but perhaps she is correct.

In any case, I have tried so hard for so long I cannot imagine any kind of divine intervention that will "wright" this ship.  She has, like so many other BPDs (I am told) an unusually pervasive ability to deny that BPD is a major problem in her life.  When things aren't terrible for her, she is quite content to muddle along.  When there is a crisis, she certainly heads into the depths of fury and despair, and at moments it appears she may be ready to actually proceed with a diligent process of healing.  Yet, as soon as she starts to feel a little better, she forgets all about the urgency of her condition.

So thank you for your support and encouragement. 

Now back to my accounting homework

Blessings,
RFSC

[Readyforsomechan]

... .It is difficult to let go, as you say, and you're far from alone there, as you no doubt already see from some of the other posts here.  We all encounter this because of the intensity of the relationships we experienced with our exes.  Something that helped me a great deal in the early stages was the following article and I hope that it can do the same for you.  It talks of the ten beliefs that can keep us stuck.  Over time I began to tick less of them off as applying to me and this was satisfying as I could see my progress... .

Hey HQ!
I wanted to circle back to the topic of the 10-beliefs.  I found the PDF version linked on the right side bar under "The Lessons", 2. "Understand your situation" to be mind-blowing and illuminating at the same time.  I have read it and plan to print it out and reread it over the coming days and weeks as I am sure my ex-pwBPD will be enticing me back into the painful dance in the near future.  And even if she doesn't, I want to be able to recognize the RED FLAGS that seem to be indicators of high-conflict emotionally abuse relationships that I seem to enter over and over again.  It's time to get off that crazy train and walk for a while!

Here's a direct link to the PDF file:
https://bpdfamily.com/pdfs/10_beliefs.pdf

Blessings,
RFSC

[Fishmedic]

Readyforsomechan,

Your post resonates to my situation like no other I’ve read on here. 6 year “relationship”, but I’d describe the last 2 years or so to be the same situation as yours. Seeing her maybe once or twice a week, sexual relationship, but not “dating” per say. My exBPDgf up and left around Mothers Day, because she was demanding commitment, but I told her we both needed to continue to do our work on ourselves, IE, I was holding out until she would actually take some real steps to work on her issues, as I just couldn’t allow myself to get too close. None the less, the loss of that “relationship” was, and is, utterly devastating. The loneliness, the lack of intimacy, it’s the hardest thing I’ve ever dealt with. I truly believed she would ALWAYS be a part of my life. Anyways, she jumped into a relationship a week after the last time I we were together with someone she hardly knows. Completely cut me off, which is for the best I suppose, as now I’m forced to work on myself, heal and grow. I’m in therapy, attending some Al Anon meetings, and I also got a dog back at the beginning of the summer, which I’ll be honest, is awesome, and does help. But nothing fills that void of human intimacy. And you’re correct, they never fully disappear. My Ex began with showing up at the gym while I was there, not looking or speaking to me, but making her presence known. She then tried to call me, sent multiple messages, all the while is still with the replacement. I confronted her, and now she’s flipped the script calling me a stalker, trying to triangulate myself and the replacement, threatening a restraining order etc etc. I hadn’t heard anything in 3 weeks, and then last Tuesday she left me another voicemail threatening with police action. My mom has informed me that she believes the new BF and her are done, so I’m anticipating more attempts in the near future. I’ll tell you, after 3.5 months, I do see things more clearly, and I know unless she gets serious help, I can’t allow her back in my life, but that is honestly the hardest thing in the world. To know you can’t be with the person to wish with all your heart would come back, make amends, and continue on. But I owe it to myself to stay strong, and not fall back into the all too familiar pattern of on again off again semi relationship and emotional tampon for her issues. It’s no way to live.

So stay strong, vent on this forum. It’s a process, it doesn’t happen over night, but deep down we know how unhealthy and wrong it’s always been, and it’s never going to change, regardless of how self aware we become.

[Harley Quinn]

I found the PDF version linked on the right side bar under "The Lessons", 2. "Understand your situation" to be mind-blowing and illuminating at the same time.  I have read it and plan to print it out and reread it over the coming days and weeks as I am sure my ex-pwBPD will be enticing me back into the painful dance in the near future.

  I have this in the middle of my desktop where I can see it all the time    It's a great link so good move adding it to your thread for anyone who hasn't come across this.  Stay strong and take good care of you.  I found that although it felt unnatural at first to do positive things 'just for me' in time it began to feel good and repetition breeds good practice.  Work on bringing joy, however slight, into every day.  Eg make someone smile and enjoy the feeling this gives you.
 Notice small kindnesses towards you or that you do for others and allow yourself to take a few seconds to appreciate how this makes you feel.  Take time to look around you and appreciate beauty in nature.  Make conscious self soothing a goal.  Do what you enjoy.  The rest works itself out from there.

Love and light x 

[Readyforsomechan]

 I don’t know if it is bad form to resurrect this post after over a month however I feel like I owe the people who contributed to this thread an update about what has transpired since my last post.

It turns out that my ex with BPD was quite serious after our conversation at the end of August when I told her that I thought BPD was a major contributing factor to the problems we had in our relationship and she determined to end our friends with benefits arrangement.

At that same point she had been seeing someone as a friend whom she had some romance interest in, and apparently my comment that she might have to deal with BPD in order to have healthy relationships spurred that relationship into overdrive.

Shortly thereafter, she began a sexual relationship with that person, and wanted to keep me in her life as in NSA partner. I told her that I was not interested in a sexual arrangement that was not also based on an emotional connection. She then decided that she did not want to be friends anymore with me, and she even said that we had not been friends for the past number of years.

This was very shocking and demoralizing to me. In fact it was so painful for me to go through this, that I had one of the most dramatic and emotionally cathartic experiences of my life. What I learned is that I had untreated childhood abandonment wounds due to the absence of my biological father during childhood and the presence of an unloving stepfather and an emotionally chaotic mother.

Somehow I had re-created my childhood in my relationship with my ex partner with BPD and her two children, one of whom who also shows signs of BPD even though he is still a minor.

 The gift in the painful ending of this relationship was that I got to face the reality of why and how I have continued to attract emotionally unstable and abusive women into my life. I now have a hell of a lot of work to do in order to heal this pattern, but more importantly I have the awareness of why I have felt so sad throughout most of my  Life.

So the gift in the pain of this relationship ending is that I get to now begin the process of healing myself. Truly the most profound and transformational opportunity of my life.

Also by the way, I did go out and get a dog shortly after the original post was started and his name is Marley he is one of the best resources I have had throughout this painful break up and breakdown process.

 I have also stayed very busy making friends in social dance settings, going to live music shows, and doing lots of other kinds of physical activity. I have also been journaling a lot, and most recently voice texting emails to myself as I process feelings throughout the day. I find that my grieving process is greatly expressed by being able to speak my words more quickly into my phone verses writing them down in a journal—my hand would have cramped up weeks ago. Thank you all so much for your support!

 PS: my therapist has suggested to me, and I agree, that not only have I attracted  emotionally abusive women into my life, but I have also allowed myself to be emotionally abusive to these women in the same way that I responded to my mother’s abuse as a child. So the abuse goes both directions and I need to own that. Another thing which I did not mention previously, and I only recently become aware of, is that while my ex partner with BPD’s primary symptom is wild mood instability with intensely angry outbursts, she also has a strong narcissistic streak which I did not recognize until the end of our relationship when she told me that we could not be friends and that we had not been friends for some period of time, possibly years. Her ability to simply turn off her feelings for me were one of the most painful experiences of my life. To me this is a clear sign of narcissism.

Furthermore, I need to explain a little bit about the nature of the hook up she made with her new partner. He was in a polyamorous relationship with two or three other women at the time they got together. All of the other women either dumped him or he dumped them When my ex and he started becoming sexually. my ex partner with BPD had zero empathy for those other women who felt betrayed by her joining their polyamorous group in violation of the terms of their existing agreement. My ex partner with BPD also expressed zero empathy for me as I told her that I felt betrayed because she did not tell me that she has started being sexual with her new partner until we were on a date of sorts and at the last possible moment before we became intimate she broke the news to me.

She later lied about her intent to have sex with him and said that it was unplanned, but even later admitted that she was preparing to start being sexual with him. So there was a lot of deceit and deception.