Narcissistic Boss - Gratitude for this site

[Depression = 72% of members]

This was not a romantic relationship but it was none the less a "failed relationship" so I'm posting this story here.

Two years ago my old boss retired.  As with anyone she had good traits and annoying traits but I understood her and respected her and I think she felt the same about me.  She could be a micro manager at times but I could deal with it, she wasn't the best boss I had ever had but she was by no means the worst.  I didn't know it when she left but I was about to have the worse boss in my 30 year working career.

After she left we went about the business of finding a new boss.  We interviewed several candidates and realized our old boss was kind of old school and we liked the idea of a boss that was more dynamic and up to date.  We went from one end of the spectrum (old boss, old school, micro manager, status quo) to the other end of the spectrum (new boss exciting, more flexible, new ideas, action driven).

She promised us the moon in her interview... .she had a strategy to get us all the things we had been asking our old boss for and we bought it hook, line and sinker. She had a lot of confidence in her abilities so we had confidence in her.

So we hired our new boss. 

There were lots of red flags in the beginning but dispite the knowledge I had learned from my BPD Family I didn't see them.

My first red flag  ... .she was gone all the time and I don't mean a few hours here and there we could go days without seeing her in the office.  I grumbled about this and was made to feel that I had a problem, she was at conferences and meetings etc. She repeatedly made me feel that it was my insecurity, my problem, and none of my business where she was or what she was doing.  I bought that, I took the blame and responsibility and stopped trying to hold her accountable for providing management and leadership. (Blame shifting/FOGuilt) To this day I don't know where she was... .at home eatting ice cream watching soap operas? The disappearing act went on for two years and I kid you not I could go a week at a time not seeing her.

I overheard her (door wide open) having an arguement on the phone with her boss telling her that if she didn't like it, that she (our boss) could leave. (Threats/FearOG)

She was making a change and during a meeting several of us were looking for some reasurance from her because we would get the brunt of the employee push-back and she went into a rage and had a complete meltdown.  All of the rest of the department was thinking she didn't understand why we concerned because she was new and started to JADE and well we know that doesn't go anywhere good. I still don't know what the trigger was. (Rage)

In another meeting we were having a discussion about a process we wanted to develop she said we needed to do xyz and I said the other party involved also needed to do xyz.  She then proceeds to tell everyone there that I was defensive and believe me when I tell you I was no where near defensive and was shocked that she thought I was.  I contradicted that comment (yep back to JADE again) and I could feel things escalating so I dropped it. (Projection)

I received a promotion and raise pushed through by my direct manager.  I was informed about my promotion/raise by the new boss.  Interestingly, she never actually told me the amount of my raise but she repeatedly told me that she "had my back" and on the surface it looks like she did but I earned my raise and promotion by hard work, and I met the qualifications for the promotion and raise as reviewed by our compensation manager.  I took the she "had my back" comment as I was now supposed to "owe her" because she allowed me to receive a raise and promotion. (FObligationG)

Two of my co-workers were not doing something they were supposed to in a timely manner.  I asked my boss for over a year to follow up with the co-workers and she ignored it for just as long and then suddenly in one of our staff meetings she bawled them out in front of the entire department. She went from zero to over the top in a split second. (Shaming)

The new boss "power point show"  .  In the past our department staff meetings were an hour long the new boss extended them to 2 hours and then the last one before she was fired was actually 4 hours long  .  (Our 15min morning huddles became an hour  ).  Yes, she liked to hear herself talk and tell you all of her grand plans and all the great things she was going to get us and do it with power point presentations. (Had to be the center of attention/EGO stroked)

I'll say again she had to be the center of attention.  Myself and two of my co-workers all had our birthdays in the same month and for years celebrated our birthdays together.  We figured out a day that would work for the three of us and everyone except the new boss who would be on vacation would be available to celebrate. My boss called me and wanted me to change the date to a day one of the birthday girls was off so I told her that wouldn't work and asked her what she wanted me to do? So she shreaks that "she wants the birthday to happen when she is there!" She had her assistant reschedule it for a Staff Meeting, that one of the birthday girls had to come in on her day off to attend, and after all of that the new boss kept us all waiting for 10 minutes before she arrived late!  (Talk about making it all about her!)

One coworker made the mistake of talking negatively about the boss (a no no with a Narcissist) and was taken in a room by the boss for an hour alone and was repeatedly told "if she didn't like it she could leave" and she would be fired if she ever spoke negatively about her again.  (Threats/Fear/Intimidation)

I could go on and on about the weird behaviors, the problems, and the chaos she was causing.  We had 2 people retire early and one person quit in a department that has a history of minimal turnover.

Even though I have been on these boards for a few years, it took me a year and a half to recognize that I had a narcissist in front of me!  But I had an epiphany one weekend when I realized that I was seeing all the behaviors we talk about here and that I have seen with my SO's uBPDxw.  I saw the FOG, the projection, the double binds, rage, huge ego... .etc. Realizing what was going on was incredibly helpful to me and other co-workers I shared information with!  I stopped taking things personally, and started to see the behaviors more objectively which helped me manage my interactions with her better (mostly I just avoided her all together when I could... .not hard when she's out eatting ice cream and watching soap operas).  I made my office footprint as small as I could.  My office already outside of the main office so that helped, I got information from other sources, and communicated in a BIFF kind of way when I had to communicate with her at all.

I started noticing that she was actually bullying her boss.  She used her staff like my SO's ex used there daughters to get things she wanted... .like a weapon.

There are so many more things that went on that I don't even have room here to tell it all.

She's gone now it took a team effort within the department and from other parts of the organization to get her out.  I have a sense of freedom again to be myself. Pushing against her control was hard we all handled it differently but we got through it.  I learned from this experience how subtle this stuff can be.  What on the surface can look like one thing... .the boss wanted to come to the birthday party isn't that great!, was underneath all about control.

I read in an article about Narcissistic Bosses that said there are many of them out there not because they are good at being the boss, but simply because they want to be the boss. That certainly was true in my case.

I'm so grateful for this site and the things I've learned here.  It sure has come in handy over the last year in my office even though I was a little slow to catch on.  Thank you anyone who reads this I just wanted to put the story somewhere and sharing it here with people that "get it" seemed like the right place.

Panda39

[Panda39]

This was not a romantic relationship but it was none the less a "failed relationship" so I'm posting this story here.

Two years ago my old boss retired.  As with anyone she had good traits and annoying traits but I understood her and respected her and I think she felt the same about me.  She could be a micro manager at times but I could deal with it, she wasn't the best boss I had ever had but she was by no means the worst.  I didn't know it when she left but I was about to have the worse boss in my 30 year working career.

After she left we went about the business of finding a new boss.  We interviewed several candidates and realized our old boss was kind of old school and we liked the idea of a boss that was more dynamic and up to date.  We went from one end of the spectrum (old boss, old school, micro manager, status quo) to the other end of the spectrum (new boss exciting, more flexible, new ideas, action driven).

She promised us the moon in her interview... .she had a strategy to get us all the things we had been asking our old boss for and we bought it hook, line and sinker. She had a lot of confidence in her abilities so we had confidence in her.

So we hired our new boss. 

There were lots of red flags in the beginning but dispite the knowledge I had learned from my BPD Family I didn't see them.

My first red flag  ... .she was gone all the time and I don't mean a few hours here and there we could go days without seeing her in the office.  I grumbled about this and was made to feel that I had a problem, she was at conferences and meetings etc. She repeatedly made me feel that it was my insecurity, my problem, and none of my business where she was or what she was doing.  I bought that, I took the blame and responsibility and stopped trying to hold her accountable for providing management and leadership. (Blame shifting/FOGuilt) To this day I don't know where she was... .at home eatting ice cream watching soap operas? The disappearing act went on for two years and I kid you not I could go a week at a time not seeing her.

I overheard her (door wide open) having an arguement on the phone with her boss telling her that if she didn't like it, that she (our boss) could leave. (Threats/FearOG)

She was making a change and during a meeting several of us were looking for some reasurance from her because we would get the brunt of the employee push-back and she went into a rage and had a complete meltdown.  All of the rest of the department was thinking she didn't understand why we concerned because she was new and started to JADE and well we know that doesn't go anywhere good. I still don't know what the trigger was. (Rage)

In another meeting we were having a discussion about a process we wanted to develop she said we needed to do xyz and I said the other party involved also needed to do xyz.  She then proceeds to tell everyone there that I was defensive and believe me when I tell you I was no where near defensive and was shocked that she thought I was.  I contradicted that comment (yep back to JADE again) and I could feel things escalating so I dropped it. (Projection)

I received a promotion and raise pushed through by my direct manager.  I was informed about my promotion/raise by the new boss.  Interestingly, she never actually told me the amount of my raise but she repeatedly told me that she "had my back" and on the surface it looks like she did but I earned my raise and promotion by hard work, and I met the qualifications for the promotion and raise as reviewed by our compensation manager.  I took the she "had my back" comment as I was now supposed to "owe her" because she allowed me to receive a raise and promotion. (FObligationG)

Two of my co-workers were not doing something they were supposed to in a timely manner.  I asked my boss for over a year to follow up with the co-workers and she ignored it for just as long and then suddenly in one of our staff meetings she bawled them out in front of the entire department. She went from zero to over the top in a split second. (Shaming)

The new boss "power point show"  .  In the past our department staff meetings were an hour long the new boss extended them to 2 hours and then the last one before she was fired was actually 4 hours long  .  (Our 15min morning huddles became an hour  ).  Yes, she liked to hear herself talk and tell you all of her grand plans and all the great things she was going to get us and do it with power point presentations. (Had to be the center of attention/EGO stroked)

I'll say again she had to be the center of attention.  Myself and two of my co-workers all had our birthdays in the same month and for years celebrated our birthdays together.  We figured out a day that would work for the three of us and everyone except the new boss who would be on vacation would be available to celebrate. My boss called me and wanted me to change the date to a day one of the birthday girls was off so I told her that wouldn't work and asked her what she wanted me to do? So she shreaks that "she wants the birthday to happen when she is there!" She had her assistant reschedule it for a Staff Meeting, that one of the birthday girls had to come in on her day off to attend, and after all of that the new boss kept us all waiting for 10 minutes before she arrived late!  (Talk about making it all about her!)

One coworker made the mistake of talking negatively about the boss (a no no with a Narcissist) and was taken in a room by the boss for an hour alone and was repeatedly told "if she didn't like it she could leave" and she would be fired if she ever spoke negatively about her again.  (Threats/Fear/Intimidation)

I could go on and on about the weird behaviors, the problems, and the chaos she was causing.  We had 2 people retire early and one person quit in a department that has a history of minimal turnover.

Even though I have been on these boards for a few years, it took me a year and a half to recognize that I had a narcissist in front of me!  But I had an epiphany one weekend when I realized that I was seeing all the behaviors we talk about here and that I have seen with my SO's uBPDxw.  I saw the FOG, the projection, the double binds, rage, huge ego... .etc. Realizing what was going on was incredibly helpful to me and other co-workers I shared information with!  I stopped taking things personally, and started to see the behaviors more objectively which helped me manage my interactions with her better (mostly I just avoided her all together when I could... .not hard when she's out eatting ice cream and watching soap operas).  I made my office footprint as small as I could.  My office already outside of the main office so that helped, I got information from other sources, and communicated in a BIFF kind of way when I had to communicate with her at all.

I started noticing that she was actually bullying her boss.  She used her staff like my SO's ex used there daughters to get things she wanted... .like a weapon.

There are so many more things that went on that I don't even have room here to tell it all.

She's gone now it took a team effort within the department and from other parts of the organization to get her out.  I have a sense of freedom again to be myself. Pushing against her control was hard we all handled it differently but we got through it.  I learned from this experience how subtle this stuff can be.  What on the surface can look like one thing... .the boss wanted to come to the birthday party isn't that great!, was underneath all about control.

I read in an article about Narcissistic Bosses that said there are many of them out there not because they are good at being the boss, but simply because they want to be the boss. That certainly was true in my case.

I'm so grateful for this site and the things I've learned here.  It sure has come in handy over the last year in my office even though I was a little slow to catch on.  Thank you anyone who reads this I just wanted to put the story somewhere and sharing it here with people that "get it" seemed like the right place.

Panda39

[gotbushels]

Hi Panda39  

I appreciated your sharing here--thank you!

[... .] our old boss was kind of old school and we liked the idea of a boss that was more dynamic and up to date.  [... .]

I know a little bit about this. I had one of my direct bosses leave recently. She retired, so she had years of experience with her. She was often described as using outdated methods and what not. Many people took issue with her way of doing things. I don't have oversight of her work, but making my own deductions, it seemed that at least she was very effective at getting work done. Many people complained because they couldn't work with her. A few of the complaints I heard about and was told directly about, it didn't make sense about the level of anxiety that came from it. BPDf helped me get a better gist of what levels of anxiety could be considered "normal" out of situations. So I'm right there with you about being grateful for what I've learned from here.

There were lots of red flags in the beginning but dispite the knowledge I had learned from my BPD Family I didn't see them.

I do think that in the workplace, it's hard to tell what it's like to work in a team relationship with someone until you are actually in a team relationship with them. I think it's a bit of the same when you're on the interviewee chair. You don't know what it's like to be with the company until you've actually had a few days, weeks, or even months with them.

My first red flag  ... .she was gone all the time and I don't mean a few hours here and there we could go days without seeing her in the office.  

I understand this a bit. I've had two managers in an office. One was a veteran, 20 to 30+ years from trade-bottom all the way up. He was a huge stickler for punctuality and timings. The other manager was young, under 35. She was very liberal with her timings in, but would stay late. She took quite large amounts of leave when first joining, and it seemed quite odd to me. I thought I was alone with these thoughts until the first said manager said something to me about it. It didn't help when it would come to our attention if we were in the area and several stakeholder she's responsible for was looking for her--and couldn't find her. I don't want to interfere with their issues, so I mainly don't discuss them outside of for-purpose meetings.

I do want to share with you that it seems that hiring people is actually a very difficult exercise sometimes.

I received a promotion and raise pushed through by my direct manager.  [... .]  Interestingly, she never actually told me the amount of my raise but she repeatedly told me that she "had my back" and on the surface it looks like she did but I earned my raise and promotion by hard work, and I met the qualifications for the promotion and raise as reviewed by our compensation manager.  I took the she "had my back" comment as I was now supposed to "owe her" because she allowed me to receive a raise and promotion. (FObligationG)

Wow! I understand this. It irks me when I've earned something and someone higher up tries to piggy-back on it and create some kind of obligation as though I depend on them for something. Well done on the promotion!

Two of my co-workers were not doing something they were supposed to in a timely manner.  I asked my boss for over a year to follow up with the co-workers and she ignored it for just as long and then suddenly in one of our staff meetings she bawled them out in front of the entire department. She went from zero to over the top in a split second. (Shaming)

I like how you put up the request for follow-up with your co-workers. One of my co-workers was describing her relationship with this person in a previous job that was disliked by a lot of people. She said that the person was very volatile and unpredictable in her reactions. I think that's similar to your former boss here. You're not alone!

The new boss "power point show"  .  In the past our department staff meetings were an hour long the new boss extended them to 2 hours and then the last one before she was fired was actually 4 hours long

HAHAHA "ppt show" is a great nickname for someone. I would use it but I think ppts can be such a good tool--it almost insults the application.   Wow I am not a fan of extended-extended-extended meetings. I'm so happy I don't often feel I could be described as one of these talking-for-its-own sake people. I know a lot of other colleagues I work with greatly dislike them too.

I don't want to be overly sympathetic toward your boss, however I do think it's quite common for people to be pleased to present things. I think where this becomes a problem for people in your situation (and mine) is when the meeting-holder doesn't actually have a clear end-point for the meeting.

Thank you again for sharing. I would like to offer some perspective here. It seems like your workplace has some established social groups. As a new person entering into a workplace like this, I think it makes sense that she would feel isolated. I expect that it's hard for her to get her hands on the ropes, and figure out how she's doing to fit in with you guys. When I think of it that way, it's easier for me to find compassion for managers that I have difficulty getting along with.