Truly confused. What's the next move for me?

[BPDBuddy]

Hello bpdfamily,

I want to thank you for welcoming me into the forum.

My situation is similar to a lot of yours. BPDgf abruptly ended our 4 year relationship on a whim. However she was also going through extreme mania from a withdrawal from klonopin, recreationally. I stress throughout our relationship, there were NO episodes of splitting/black/white whatsoever. We were very close, in spite of not living together. She does know I see a future with her. Clearly she's in an identity crisis.

During the time of the breakup in mid-July, she was going through extreme withdrawal , which caused a lot of her erractic & dissociative behavior. I also have known that withdrawal to be excruciating, of course with the tandem of BPD traits. So effectively, two things concurrently happening with this person. I went NC with her for about a month, it was very odd for this person to not communicate with me as she is glued to her phone 24/7. Don't know how I got through, but I did.

Flash forward After 30 days of NC, Randomly on a Saturday night, she bombards my phone with calls and texts and we communicated for about a week in mid-August. In that time, she refused to see me, said she missed me but was still very much healing. I told her it was good to her from her and glad she was getting help.  She was also in shock because she had been diagnosed with BPD and was in therapy.  Told me her " therapist" advised her it was not a good idea to see me until she was healed, Maybe its a trigger thing, she was all over the place during that week of contact, so it may have been a blessing in disguise.

She is 29 and we don't live together. She also admitted that she was in a form of psychosis when she ended us. She explained the splitting as it pertained to some of the trauma from her childhood, etc. She would also be raging on the phone during our conversations, somewhat verbally abusive. Of course I JADE, and pleaded my case for "us"

Which having read bpdfamily, realized this was somewhat normal. I thought things were pointing in the right direction for reconciliation. She assured me she was working on herself, and several of our mutual friends have confirmed she is trying to stabilize her moods through therapy and medication, she thought that she should be able to be fully functional again in October. At the  time I thought this timetable was egregious, looking back it does make sense.

I NEVER saw this erratic behavior from her. I also told her (when we were talking) I wouldn't initiate contact it would have to be her to make the effort.

Anyway, after hanging out with some of our mutual friends she informed me she still needed space to 'figure herself' out and still didn't know what she wanted, another identity crisis, and has been giving me the silent treamtent, not neccessarily NC since early September. She reached out once on Sep5, minimal texting "hi how are you" said she is doing "alright" didn't sound good. She said she called me, and I didnt answer. So very minimal contact throughout September. Didn't respond to my last text in that conversation  from sep5. She may be punishing me for not taking her call? She Also thought I was calling her from other numbers, I think that's absolutely delusional. I have seen the paranoia in her as well.
 
So I have not communicated whatsoever with her in 10 days and not sure as to why? She's Been known to be passive aggressive and given the mood instanbility way too abrasive from what I hear to be courting any another guy, I highly doubt it could be that.

I truly respect the don't initiate contact rule, but frankly think the situation
 The classic push-pull. I think given the history and her effort to get the diagnosis and commit to therapy we possibly could work through this. That's something my ex could never do. I am willing to give this another chance, if she is.

Should I reach out via text and just check in or will that just push her further into her abyss. I realize it's a delicate situation and there is far more experience here, just appreciate. It would be a SET type convo, is my goal. I keep reading about the abandonment and just don't want her to think I've given up on her?

Appreciate your feedback.

Thanks!

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[BPDBuddy]

One point to clarify... .she did "say give me some space" at the end of August, but then offset it by reaching out a week later on Sep5. Just want to try and land this correctly. A very fragile, overly emotional, human being that I have been told is raging on everyone in her path. I don't want to agitate, but she may need a push at the same time?

[Mutt]

Hi BPDBuddy,  



I'm sorry that you're going through this. I'd like to welcome you to bpdfamily, stress can exacerbate BPD symptoms, it's possible that the klonopin withdrawal is the catalyst.

Flash forward After 30 days of NC, Randomly on a Saturday night, she bombards my phone with calls and texts and we communicated for about a week in mid-August. In that time, she refused to see me, said she missed me but was still very much healing.

She refuses to see you, I think that this is shame based and it could relate back to the extreme mania klonopin withdrawal. I won't suggest to not message her and I don't think that it's going to push her further away than she already is, I'd send her a supportive note, something short like "I'm still here, I'm not going anywhere" What do you think?

[BPDBuddy]

Thanks Mutt, appreciate your insight!

Lately never know which version of her I will get. So that may overwhelm her emotionally, with the "I'm not going anywhere", part of the problem is I think she is depending on that. She needs to wonder a bit with her internal tug-of-war. I also don't want to keep validating her as she become a bit disrespectful, so boundaries are important for me.

She so often misterprets my words, especially via text. It's always something I hear down the road, in other words, I think she could perceive that as desperate on my end? Gotta love the nuances of these women  just my thought.

I was shooting for, "hope your doing OK, just thought I'd say hello, sorry I missed your call last week, give me a ring some time" and see where it goes or just need validation that it may make sense to keep the ST for now and play at her pace as I said I would. She knows how and where to reach me. I think for her everything is out of sight, out of mind. Anyway the words aren't as important as the approval of the green light to initiate the contact. I need to be a bit more validating when I do talk to her. That girl has really been through way too much and I think she has PTSD, traits of NPD, in tandem with BPD. We can't have a relationship if we can't communicate.

Let me know what you think?

[Mutt]

I think that you have the right idea with validation, personally I don't see anything wrong with your note, your telling her that you missed the call you're not ignoring her, you probably already know this, just send one note don't follow it up with a bunch of notes.

[BPDBuddy]

Thx Mutt, I just sent it. Will let you know how it goes.

[Mutt]

 

[BPDBuddy]

Fast Response "I'm fine. Busy w work and stuff I will ttyl." ouch... .guess its better then ST.

Who knew a girl I was so close with intimately, could be absolutely detached from reality. Unreal?

[Mutt]

Ouch is right. Is that a natural response for her? She sounds detached on the other hand she did quickly respond which says something.

[BPDBuddy]

No, that 'black' ice still needs to melt probably. Nice of her to respond promptly, I guess. "I'm fine. Busy w / work and stuff. I will ttyl" is a brush off and compared to some of what I've read on this forum, better than no response. I didn't respond. Need to get some control here.

She basically would normally go through a series of a few texts back and forth when we were cordial that week. Seems Emotionally detached, again. Who knows the meds she's now on. We probably would've broken up and gotten back together 3 times if I was seeing her, so best I haven't.

 At least I put the ball back in her court to hopefully reach out and reach out soon.

Maybe she was in the middle of something, but effectively she acknowledged me but ended the conversation before we could even have one. Bummer. I'll take her verbal abuse over ST.

Appreciate any feedback on a gameplan moving forward. Great girl, just got way off course and escalated quickly.