Am I Just Part of the Cycle?

[Winston26]

Long story short (this has been going on for 16 months now) I was in a long term relationship with my ex boyfriend whom I suspect has BPD. We dated for 6 years and it was complete heaven. We grew up together from ages (me) 12-20 and (him) 14-22. Around when he turned 21, he seemed to really be struggling with himself. He couldn't control his anger or emotions. He slept all day and just seemed depressed. I believe this is when his symptoms became overwhelming and he was unable to hide them to my family and I. He ultimately broke up with me without warning. After 3 months, he came back and we tried to remain friends while he kept saying "give me some time I need to get better so we can have a healthy relationship." Once we were nearly on the brink of a relationship, he left without warning and I hadn't heard from him in about 7 months other than "warm" wishes on my birthday and Christmas. He  often wishes the best for me and wants me to be happy, but he can't offer anything more than friends. He continues to say how he will never forgive himself for the hurt he caused in my life, but that he doesn't want me out of his life. We do get caught up in old feelings and often reminisce about our life together and how great we used to be, but once it gets too deep, he runs. I accepted the "only friends" thing, but yet again, he turns it all around on me and leaves again. I know it's typical for people with BPD to cycle through people, but does he view me as one of his cycles or does he truly care given our history before his struggles became apparent?

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[Mutt]

Hi Winston26,

Have you told him that you can work on yourself while you're in a r/s? I think that he's being genuine and doesn't want to hurt you from what you have shared here.

[Harley Quinn]

Hi Winston26 and Welcome!  

I'm sorry to hear your concern and confusion over this and you're in the right place to gain some perspective.  It must have hurt to feel in limbo as he said he wished to get better and resume a healthier relationship, to then being told that friendship is all he could offer.  How do you feel about just being friends?  Has he sought a diagnosis and treatment?

The posts of others here will give you some idea that you're far from alone in your questions and you'll see there are some similarities in types of behaviours that are experienced generally.  Could you tell us a little more background to your question?  When you refer to cycles is this in regards to him having other relationships since the two of you split up?

A pwBPD has very overwhelming fears of abandonment and engulfment.  So this can create that push/pull dynamic that you describe, where he doesn't want to resume the relationship yet doesn't want you out of his life.  It is tough to be on the receiving end of this and I can understand your worries about whether his feelings towards you are genuine.  It's likely they are, however it sounds like he has maladaptive coping methods for his overwhelming emotions.  This is a great article on how a BPD r/s evolves.  I'd be interested to know if you feel there are any similarities here that you recognise to the types of behaviour you've experienced with your ex?  I found it really helpful in understanding the drivers behind my ex's behaviour within the r/s.

https://bpdfamily.com/content/how-borderline-relationship-evolves

Keep reading the other articles and lessons to the right of the board as these are designed to help you work through what you're dealing with and to come to terms with this.  Caring for someone who is disordered is very difficult emotionally and we understand here what that is like, so post and share all you need to and we'll be listening.

Love and light x  

  

  

[Angel3287]

Hi Winston,

While my relationship has not had the time span yours has/had, I had heard similar statements from my BPDx throughout my time with him. My ex told me once "I don't like how attached I am to you. I love speaking with you all the time, but I feel like it's too much and I need to slow down."

Here is one of the most honest statements he ever made towards me which clearly outlines their fear of enmeshment and abandonment. I don't know your ex, but he appears to have some level of awareness (like mine) but is overcome by the BPD when emotions run high.

It's sad for us on the other end because we did cherish our time with them and would like to be supportive friends given their special needs, BUT they make it impossible for us to get close again, reestablish trust and truly help them along with their healing process.

Unfortunately, it's more likely than not, that you are a part of his cycle. That doesn't mean he doesn't recognize your value - he just can't keep his emotions in check. Hopefully one day... .we can always hope!