Pregnant GF with BPD filed - part 2PFA

[Depression = 72% of members]

I'm doing ok. It's a relief not having the PFA over my head any further.  I still don't know what her dropping it tells me. I don't know if is was a tactical move, selfish move (not wanting the stress of getting on the stand), or merciful move.

Either way I'm glad it's over. She left the door open to contact my in the agreement yet I can't contact her.

I have an envelope with the refi, counseler release since she wanted to talk to her, and a threw a hundred bucks in there since she is having money problems.

Thoughts on sending this would be appreciated.

Haven't heard from her mom which is surprising and not at the same time.

I know I can't be emotionless now but I've learned to just observe them and not let them control my mind.

I'm going to get that book just in case she splits me back to white, if ever.

Not being able to communicate with her sucks. But it is what it is at this point.

The last I heard from my ex wife and their mutual friend was that she didn't want to see the documents and emails from my lawyer who threatened her without my knowledge or consent. She told this friend she didn't want to see them Bc it would just upset her. Not sure how to take that.

[Tact]

I'm doing ok. It's a relief not having the PFA over my head any further.  I still don't know what her dropping it tells me. I don't know if is was a tactical move, selfish move (not wanting the stress of getting on the stand), or merciful move.

Either way I'm glad it's over. She left the door open to contact my in the agreement yet I can't contact her.

I have an envelope with the refi, counseler release since she wanted to talk to her, and a threw a hundred bucks in there since she is having money problems.

Thoughts on sending this would be appreciated.

Haven't heard from her mom which is surprising and not at the same time.

I know I can't be emotionless now but I've learned to just observe them and not let them control my mind.

I'm going to get that book just in case she splits me back to white, if ever.

Not being able to communicate with her sucks. But it is what it is at this point.

The last I heard from my ex wife and their mutual friend was that she didn't want to see the documents and emails from my lawyer who threatened her without my knowledge or consent. She told this friend she didn't want to see them Bc it would just upset her. Not sure how to take that.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

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I would not send her $100 - I think it sends the message to ask you to jump higher. Iy also is contacting her. It's not a good dynamic.

I would have the lawyer send the docs to her attorney. Don't give her a target to get angry with.

[Tact]

Hey lawyer was free. Once the PFA was dropped she no longer is involved

[Skip]

You could have your lawyer send it. Or the bank and the therapist. You could also send it with roses and a $100 bill.

The question is, do you want to send a message (even though you're supposed to stay away)and do you want that message to be about money - the thing you fought about that started this fight? Do you want to send her $100 when she demanded $8,000?

What is the message here?

[Tact]

I hear what you're saying.

I guess my anxiety and fear of not being with her and the baby is taking hold.

What do you think the best thing or move is?

[Skip]

Give them all space. Let your attorney send the documents related to the settlement. Wait for her to contact you.

You pushed hard in a lot of directions. Going quiet now will help. Let the drama fade away.

She is mot going anywhere... .you can safely lay back and let her get the fight behind her. She needs to get past all of that.

[Tact]

Thanks bro.  I'm just trying to stay sane. My attorney wanted money to send them since the PFA was dropped. I sent them, the purpose of the money was to pay for the title change and notary fees.

I knew if I sent them and didn't pay for those fees she would have another reason to push me away and get ticked off thinking I expected her to pay for those.

[Tact]

Hey guys. Leaning on all your support, advice, and the tools I've got on here.

Thanks again for all of it.

Hey mom just texted me, I haven't responded yet.

Some of the loan/title documents have to be signed. She wants me to meet them there one day next week to have them notarized.

Should I meet them or should I tell them to have them notarize her signature then text me then I'll show up after they leave to have mine notarized?

What's the best move here? I want to get her back but I don't want to break the NC or make her think I'm jumping through hoops.

[Skip]

She is no contact with you. You are just respecting that. If she invites you, then she is breaking no contact.

Where do you have to go, what do you need to sign, and who gets the papers when its done?

[Tact]

Well her mom is the one that's asking me to go. My ex has to be there to sign tonger the car title and loan out of her name.

Those documents have to be notarized.

I'm not sure if I go and see them face to face or tell her to sign and text me when they are done and I'll come over and do my part.

If I do see her I'm not sure how to act.

[Skip]

Have you got a friend that can go with you?  If so, you can meet as a stop off on the way to somewhere else.

1. This would make you need to leave evident

2. A third party would likely keep everyone polite and business like.

How to act? Happy, cooperative, polite, confident, and just stopping by.

Don't be tenuous - people can smell that and it will be awkward for everyone.

[Tact]

They seem insistent that we meet to sign the documents.

While on Church, I just got another message from her mother about meeting up this week to sign the documents.

She also added that her daughter wants me to meet up with me soon with her therapist to talk through some issues.

This all is happening so fast. I'm not sure what to expect at this joint therapy session. Hopefully the therapist is savvy and knows, or at least thinks something is up with her mentally. I'm afraid I'm going to go in there and be attacked from both sides.  Maybe this therapist believes everything she's told her... .

Looks like I better study full time on this site on how to communicate properly.
I'm also afraid the therapist may see through my "communication" tactics and may think I'm trying to play them both.

Thoughts?

I really thought I would cross this road months down the road and not 5 days after the PFA.

Praise Jesus either way!

[Tact]

Wish me luck tomorrow.

Any last minute advice?

I'll see her at 630

[Tact]

Well the first joint therapy session was rough. I was blamed for everything and I mean everything.

Her mom would answer for her outside in the waiting room and the consoler would as well in session to a certain extent.

The know what the baby is and both refused to let her tell me. I asked why and they said the were afraid I would have a violent outbursts.

By the time I was done there I was feeling like and monster and criminal after how I was treated.

[Skip]

What is their story about you?

[Tact]

well I got there early and they got there late. They came upstairs and both ignored me. She went to the bathroom and came back out and sat on a chair. Her and her mom proceeded in idle chit chat while ignoring me.

Finally I said how are you? She said fine and I stated asking how she was feeling. I asked if she knew the sex of the baby and her mom imidiatly made a comment under her breath. My girl said yes. I asked what it was and her mom said that I was putting to much pressure on her. I told her mom that it wasn't only her child but ours. Her mom asked if she wanted to go into a different room and if she didn't want to talk to me she needed to tell me. My girl just sat their silent.

I got up and walked around until the therapist came out. I introduced myself and we went back.

Once we got back there they both pretty much started attacking me. My girl said the relationship was horrible and she panicked when she found out she was pregnant. I asked why did we try for 9 months, but fertility drugs, and her agree to get married? Her therapist said I was minimalizing her feeling and I stated that I had a complete different rendition of the relationship.

I asked why she took extreme measures by filing a PFA and risking my job and other kids with my ex. Her therapist annswered for her and said she was scared. I said a PFA is not for fear it's for abuse. Then anything and everything I ever said and did was abuse, even leaving the house when I was upset. They even said that taking my money out of our bank account was abuse. It got so ridiculous.

I got to a point where I was answering for stuff that never happened. When I brought up the fact that she gave me STD's her therapist started defending her and her lies. I pretty much told her therapist that I find it odd I'm held accountable for my actions and actions I hadn't done yet and lie she admitted to and never told her about she wouldn't hold her accountable.

I asked if I could hug her goodbye, her therapist said no, I responded with, well it was nice to meet you and thank you for your time and I left.

Apparently my mom texted her the day before and that was abuse as well. All my my said was, "you can't get ahead in life by stepping all over other people's backs" she said it upset her and she blocked my mom.

Keep in mind her mother has harrassed and tried to extort me for 2 months.

The whole thing was a joke.

I validated her feelings and told her how sorry I was she was scared and that I understood and took responsibility for her actions. It just seemed to make her press harder on other matters.

I don't think I'll be going back.

[Tact]

Hell even our open phone policy that she wanted was abuse. Me leaving not to argue was abuse, my reaction to her lies was abuse, me getting an std and calling her out on it was abuse.

Everything I did that was questioning her was abuse and destroying her self esteem.

I don't get it!

There so much that I brought up that her therapist had no clue about then she started accusing me of not telling my therapist everything.

I don't know if they were trying to get me angry or what the deal was. But I kept calm other than a bit of crying Bc they both withheld the gender of my child from me.

It was the most brutal confusing thing I've ever been through. Half the time my girl was complaint about how sick she was and all these other physical ailments she has Bc of the pregnancy.

[Skip]

So the therapy you contractually agreed to was actually couples counseling?

[Tact]

Something she invited me to. She gave me a 9 page letter on Wednesday asking me to go. I agreed to.

[Skip]

Tact, I'm not sure we can help you "after the fact" other than to say, sorry that this is happening.

What did the 9 page letter say?

[Tact]

All Bible verses about forgiveness and reconciliation on the last page.

She said she still loved me in the letter. Was still in love with me and she considered me her husband but needed time to heal. Thought about me all day long and wish that I was with her through all the things she's been through the past 3 months.

She also said she was scared of me... .in the letter

[Skip]

I don't get it!

The session was for you to hear her pain.

Our advice would have been to listen, not be defensive or reactionary.

To heal this, she has to be heard. She has to know that you want to understand her. You don't have to agree. You don't have to take responsibility.

Generally after she has expressed all she has a need to express... .and you find common ground to work on, then you get a chance to raise your issues.

Your issues are equally important. She may be 70% at fault. But the reality of couples therapy is that the most wounded person need to express themselves fully before they can listen.

We aren't born with instincts on how to handle these things. We can, however, get help from others that have learned form others who have learned by failure.

This is very difficult thing.

[Tact]

Yeah I kept telling her I understood how she felt and that I should have done a lot of things differently. I told her that I took responsibility for my actions but I was still hurt.

We will see what happens next. I haven't heard anything since yesterday but I'm glad Bc it was really emotional for the both of us and I'm burnt out.

I did JADE a bit near the end, which was a mistake. If we go back together it won't be as emotional and I'll be able to focus on just listening and using the tools better.

[Skip]

Check this out:
https://bpdfamily.com/content/listen-with-empathy

[Tact]

Her mom told me today she doesn't want to do consoling and I'm trying to control them.

I give up. I'll just take legal action come December to get my child.

Thanks for all the help and advice but I'm officially done with trying to reconcile this relationship, I won't live my life like this.

I'm the only one being controlled and abused.

Godbleas you all and good luck.

[Tact]

Ok so her mom reached out again. My girl wants to go to counseling this Friday.

I know the bank thing is going to come up. They touched on it at the end of the session two weeks ago. I stared JADE'ing.  I feel I didn't do anything wrong by taking my money out of my account.

Her therapist and her said that it was abusive and that I had no right doing it.

I'm not sure how to handle this come Friday. Any suggestions?

Long story short, I gave her in one form or another close to $15k. I took $2k out of our joint account so I could pay my bills, feed my kids, and hire a lawyer. There was still money left in there. I didn't take it all just my last paycheck before the event.

I want to validate but don't want to take blame for self preserving myself. I don't live above my means though she does.

[Skip]

Long story short, I gave her in one form or another close to $15k. I took $2k out of our joint account so I could pay my bills, feed my kids, and hire a lawyer. There was still money left in there. I didn't take it all just my last paycheck before the event.

What's her one story short?

[Tact]

That it was her money and I had no right taking it out. Due to me taking the money she had to cash out her $14,000 401k to pay bills.

Not sure how I forced her to cash out a 401k, but she's in a lot of debt due to medical bills and credit card debt.

Her therapist told me that I was wrong as well.  The therapist said I was wrong/abuseive by  taking out the money, because even thought they agree I gave a lot it was "our agreement" and once the money was deposited in OUR account it was hers.

Keep in mind this therapist/social worker was assigned by the domestic violence clinic.

I think no matter what I say or do it will be used against me.

I even called her out on the STD's and finding it in the journal and her therapist choose to defend her and buy her story hook, line, and sinker.


Didn't make a lot of sense to me.

[Skip]

Keep in mind this therapist/social worker was assigned by the domestic violence clinic.

I don't think any of us knew this. It's a hugely significant point. If this is domestic violence counseling, she has made a case that you are a batterer and controller (which is why the money conversation).

We can help you, but you have to tell the whole story. What has happened here?

The part of the story you told was that you read her private journals and found bad things but you forgave her. She spent some money that you thought was inappropriate and you argued over it and you walked out. You said she filed a false PFA regarding you picking up a shotgun.

How did this become a domestic violence case?  What has she reported?

[Tact]

The thing is that I have told the whole story.

That night I took my guns and made a comment about how she acted like she wanted me dead or she wanted me to kill myself.  We yelled and screamed and I left.

She said she was afraid and still is.

I brought up all the lies I caught her in while reading a journal I found and through our open phone policy. Those never were  arguments just me bringing them to her attention. She'd cry and I'd let it go. She'd cry at the drop of a hat over anything. I never yelled at her until that night. She on the other hand would.

That's why I was so dumbfounded while I  was in counseling Bc I even told the therapist I was confused as to what she was talking about Bc I remember a totally different relationship than what she was portraying.

For the record this isn't court ordered or as far as I know paid by the government. I was invited by my girl to "work things out" and in no way shape
Or form do I have to go.

I choose to go and it's a private practice. The woman was/is a social worker but I think she was on the resource list when she got the lawyer.