Stalling to Say the Right Thing

[71 and Stuck]

I am in a volatile situation with my DD (41).  We are currently living together.  We had a row that was due to my not understanding BPD as well as I should have.  I realize I need some space from her in this house.  We each have "areas" that are ours; however, she and my granddauther (19 months) have kind of invaded my living room and bit by bit, I've lost my quiet place.  This happened after her BF left.  (Complicated).  Now she alternates between hating me and smothering me with her need.  At 71 and with a few health issues, I need quiet time.  How do I tell her this without triggering her or making her feel threatened?  I am retired and she is unemployed so we are home together a lot.  She's mostly not talking (but texting!) now.  I don't know how to reply.  Thanks.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Feeling Better]

Hi 71 and stuck

It sounds to me like you might need some house rules, especially if your daughter is starting to invade the area of your house where you want to get a little peace. Maybe you could suggest to your daughter that when you are in that room and the door is closed it means that you are having your quiet time and that no interruptions are allowed, but if you are in there with the door open, then she would be free to enter and would be made most welcome. Or maybe you could come up with something else that works for both of you but which ensures that you get your time to yourself. Don't explain to her why you need that time, just tell her calmly and politely what needs to happen, whilst at the same time acknowledging her needs too, if that makes sense. It could just be a case where your daughter doesn't realise how the situation is affecting you and unless you say something, she will blindly carry on with what she's doing.

I'm still quite new here and am still learning but I do hope that you can pick something out of what I've written x

[linmom]

I joined this group yesterday and the first post I saw was yours. I almost thought it was my own. I also am 71 with a 46 year old bp daughter. My heart is with you. My daughter does not have children so that is not an issue for me. After so many years of therapy, etc, I think I have found a group that is supportive and most of all, understanding!

[incadove]

Don't explain to her why you need that time, just tell her calmly and politely what needs to happen, whilst at the same time acknowledging her needs too, if that makes sense. It could just be a case where your daughter doesn't realise how the situation is affecting you and unless you say something, she will blindly carry on with what she's doing.

That sounds right on to me, feeling better - even if she gets upset, if you stay calm then it will blow over much quicker.  And then if she does accomodate to what you're requesting, its a good time to show appreciation and shower her with a bit of positive attention.  Its nice when we get the moments we can appreciate really authentically, hope that happens for you.

If you're texting rather than talking, also its possible to explain at more length without setting off a trigger.  Sometimes I'll write up a fairly long text, with paragraphs, and paste it all in at once rather than going back and forth.  That way I can sort of explain calmly at length and edit carefully what I'm saying ahead of time.