My 10 year old granddaughter emotionally suffering at hands of her BPD father

[Our abuse recovery guide]

Hello, new here and hoping to gain some insight and help for my 10 year old granddaughter.  A little background:  her BPD father was absent from her life from her birth through 8 years old. Her mother (my daughter) has primary residential custody of my granddaughter and he has visitation rights,  which he never until he came into the picture 2 years ago, bothered with. BPD father showed up one day when my granddaughter was 8 years old, and at first, none of us were aware of his BPD or that he had been previously diagnosed with BPD, bi-polar, ptsd, and alcoholism until about 6 months after he moved in with my daughter and my granddaughter (they were going to try and be a family). How he was able to keep it all together (seem like a normal, mentally healthy person) and fool us for that long amazes me to this day. It was enough time though for my granddaughter to begin forming an emotional bond with him and of course,  she was ecstatic to have her father, whom she previously thought had abandoned her (because she wasn't lovable enough, according to her) in her life now. All seemed well at first, but we began noticing his erratic behavior and verbal rages toward her and my daughter - rare at first but it became more and more common, and now daily and sometimes even hourly. After about a year, my daughter told me that he had been diagnosed years ago with BPD and ptsd, but she was willing to go to couples therapy with him, etc.  Fast forward to today, NO therapy (couples or his own individual therapy for his BPD and ptsd) has helped. He refuses to stop drinking every day, getting drunk is his norm now. Long story short, my granddaughter (who used to be a happy, joyful, positive little girl) is depressed to the point she feels she would be better off dead (she started her own therapy 2 weeks ago and we are waiting for another appointment for her) and she is terrified of her father, yet torn because she said she does love him. She fears he will move away and abandon her again and that it would be HER fault if he did, but at the same time, she wants him to leave.  We have educated her as much as we can for her age about BPD and although she says she understands what BPD is, etc. the guilt he puts on her and the fear she has is engulfing her. He showers her with love one minute and rages on her the next and he makes her feel like its all HER fault.  My daughter told him they are over as a couple and he will be moving out of the house at the end of this month, but the psychological damage he has caused my granddaughter is frightening me to my core.  He will still have visitation contact with her after he moves, so she will have to continue to deal with him.  The guilt trips he puts her through whenever he wants his way is outrageous and very damaging. Is it too late for her to regain her emotional stability? Can anyone offer any advice to help me and my daughter help my granddaughter? She used to be a loving, happy child.  Now she can't be a child anymore as she is so depressed, fearful, and angry. She feels helpless, and her BPD father is stealing her childhood.  Please, any helpful advice will be very much appreciated.

[Lillypr]

Hello, new here and hoping to gain some insight and help for my 10 year old granddaughter.  A little background:  her BPD father was absent from her life from her birth through 8 years old. Her mother (my daughter) has primary residential custody of my granddaughter and he has visitation rights,  which he never until he came into the picture 2 years ago, bothered with. BPD father showed up one day when my granddaughter was 8 years old, and at first, none of us were aware of his BPD or that he had been previously diagnosed with BPD, bi-polar, ptsd, and alcoholism until about 6 months after he moved in with my daughter and my granddaughter (they were going to try and be a family). How he was able to keep it all together (seem like a normal, mentally healthy person) and fool us for that long amazes me to this day. It was enough time though for my granddaughter to begin forming an emotional bond with him and of course,  she was ecstatic to have her father, whom she previously thought had abandoned her (because she wasn't lovable enough, according to her) in her life now. All seemed well at first, but we began noticing his erratic behavior and verbal rages toward her and my daughter - rare at first but it became more and more common, and now daily and sometimes even hourly. After about a year, my daughter told me that he had been diagnosed years ago with BPD and ptsd, but she was willing to go to couples therapy with him, etc.  Fast forward to today, NO therapy (couples or his own individual therapy for his BPD and ptsd) has helped. He refuses to stop drinking every day, getting drunk is his norm now. Long story short, my granddaughter (who used to be a happy, joyful, positive little girl) is depressed to the point she feels she would be better off dead (she started her own therapy 2 weeks ago and we are waiting for another appointment for her) and she is terrified of her father, yet torn because she said she does love him. She fears he will move away and abandon her again and that it would be HER fault if he did, but at the same time, she wants him to leave.  We have educated her as much as we can for her age about BPD and although she says she understands what BPD is, etc. the guilt he puts on her and the fear she has is engulfing her. He showers her with love one minute and rages on her the next and he makes her feel like its all HER fault.  My daughter told him they are over as a couple and he will be moving out of the house at the end of this month, but the psychological damage he has caused my granddaughter is frightening me to my core.  He will still have visitation contact with her after he moves, so she will have to continue to deal with him.  The guilt trips he puts her through whenever he wants his way is outrageous and very damaging. Is it too late for her to regain her emotional stability? Can anyone offer any advice to help me and my daughter help my granddaughter? She used to be a loving, happy child.  Now she can't be a child anymore as she is so depressed, fearful, and angry. She feels helpless, and her BPD father is stealing her childhood.  Please, any helpful advice will be very much appreciated.

[Panda39]

Hi Lilypr,

Welcome to the BPD Family 

What a painful situation for your granddaughter, bringing in the support of a therapist is a good idea it will give her someone to talk with who is outside of the situation (so neutral) and someone that can help her with some coping tools. 

Do you think her dad will continue to be in touch with her when he leaves, given his past behavior?  Sometimes those past behaviors are an indicator of future behavior.

I'm attaching a link to information on "Raising Resilient Kids When a Parent Has BPD" from the co-parenting board... .

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=182254.msg1331459#msg1331459

IMO you and her mom just keep loving your granddaughter, listen and validate your granddaughters feelings.  Unfortunately, you can't take the pain of her father's behaviors away but if she feels cared for and heard you will be helping. You might also try to be sensitive to situations that might be triggering to her... .Father's Day, a special place they visited etc.  You might want to look at this like a death that your granddaughter may need to grieve. 

Below is a thread from the coping board (adult children of BPD Parents) that might be able to give you some insight into your grandaughter's feelings.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=292033.0

I know other members will be along with other comments and suggestions.

Take Care,
Panda39

[Turkish]

We have a lot of material on the Co-Parenting board which can help.  Panda39 linked to a good start.  I saw a similar change in my best friend's niece,  and it was also sad. Her mom is dBPD.

Your granddaughter may feel lost,  but you can be a sane and stable voice.  A good resource is this book: The Power Of Validation

I've always thought myself a good validator, but I found some good nuggets from this book. 

[Fie]

Hello and welcome 


Your granddaughter is lucky to have a caring grandma like you !

In my opinion, therapy with a children's therapist might be necessary. Is this an option ?


Fie