stuck between feeling reactive and passive

[vanx]

I got in an argument with a coworker recently and it's put me in a funk. I value staying calm and rational during altercations, not taking things personally, and staying constructive. In reality, I get
shaky, lightheaded, my voice struggles to come out, and I am emotionally reactive.
Sometimes I feel pretty down on myself because I was affected by my ex's words and behavior. Ideally, I want to be a stronger person. In my mind, I have beliefs of controlling one's own responses to other people and things, of taking ownership of that, but I am so affected by others.
On the other hand, I also feel like I don't stand up for myself enough. But whenever I do, for one thing it feels like I am emotionally flooded and out of control, and then I feel guilty like I lashed out. I have thoughts of being too weak to hold myself together and calmly tolerate my ex. Plus, if I can depersonalize it, I recognize it's not all about me--she suffers from the disorde and is struggling inside. But then I think maybe I did a decent thing for myself protecting myself from things that put me down? But it doesn't feel like a success, because my ideal self is super cool, calm, and collected.
I guess the place to get is being less affected by others and most of all more confident in myself? I know it's possible to assert oneself in a calm way. I guess as Mutt advised earlier, it is a matter of mindfulness to ease the anxiety symptoms that arise in confrontation?
This is a bit of a ramble, but mostly I wondered if others could identify with the conflict of remaining unaffected by others' behavior but also protective against potential mistreatment. Thanks!

[Mutt]

Hi vanx,

You could try mindfulness to eventually become conditioned to the triggers   It helped with the anxiety that I had on switch on / switch off days. I probably already told you that but just to get it context for others.

But it doesn't feel like a success, because my ideal self is super cool, calm, and collected.

I like your idea of being super cool and calm, some people get surprised in real life with how I don't emotionally react because I'm conditioned, I can relate with feeling like you haven't found the right balance, some times you over shoot and some times under shoot, it takes practice and time. That being said, nobodies perfect, we all lose our cool and I also wanted to point out... .

In reality, I get shaky, lightheaded, my voice struggles to come out, and I am emotionally reactive.

this is anxiety, it's normal, it's actually good to have it under certain conditions like cramming for an exam, if it doesn't stop or you feel anxious at inappropriate times, I'd suggest to talk to an MD or GP about anxiety. You can use mindfulness with triggers, it's a tool for anxiety as well,

Triggering and Mindfulness and Wise Mind

We're all human and we're not perfect all of the time, I think that the most important advice is don't be hard on yourself, set changing your responses as a goal and you'll eventually get there.

[once removed]

hi vanx, i can certainly relate. if youre like me, you look back on these encounters and have all the answers, but you get flooded at the time and that can be really debilitating.

i think as Mutt suggested, mindfulness is largely your answer.

another, i think, is practice, because practice builds your confidence, and its hard to be flooded and confident at the same time.

im in the band at my church. theres a guy that is a really domineering personality, tries to take over and tell everyone what to do, is in no position to do so, and he would just get my blood boiling to the point that i could fume for hours. after the first time i stood my ground and more or less told him "nah", anything he does rolls right off my back, and he mostly only does it (the domineering stuff) to others. no more fuming on my end.

a member suggested to me recently doing something like taking a class on assertiveness. have you considered anything like that?

[vanx]

Thank you both. I will continue working with mindfulness and try to be patient with myself. An assertiveness class is a good idea! I hadn't thought about that. I'll look around at what's available.