BPD mother

[Hopeful95]

I am the kid of a BPD mother, but a very loving and caring dad. For me the entire childhood has been like walking on egg-shells, not knowing how long she would be ok and when my mom would explode on us, a relative, friend or neighbour. When she is nice, she can be extremely sweet and caring. But her dark side is quite scary. We still have lots of friends and relatives only because of my father being a great and sensible person.
Now I am married, have 3 children.  In-laws came over stay permanently to stay with us, where his mom is an extreme case of narcissism and his dad is a completely sober person, on whom mil literally walks over. My hubby has had a horrible  childhood. My hubby shares a good relation with me, my dad and ok with my weird mom (as they meet only on vacations)  After years of trying to make things work, and M-in -law's impossibility to get along with anyone including my kids and hubby and constant negativity and interference, we decided to distance with them and they are living separately. (My mom is unaware of all this, cause If I tell I have no idea how she will react to my husband.)
My mom always complained that i always kept only in-laws together. I am working full time, so my parents offered to come over for a few months and help kids. Now that my BPD mother is spending more time with us, I am back to the same situation where one moment she is nice and otherwise she starts her sarcastic demeaning talk. I love her, want to help her. This is where I need advice:

Biggest issue: She has taken to passing rude glares and in between sarcastic remarks on my hubby, and behaves extremely irritated when my husband is around. She feels that I do not maintain a standard of living that she would like me to or improving hers. (Honestly I am trying my best). She also gets angry if I get a little late from work.

 I am back to walking on eggshells to prevent her from exploding in front of him. I cannot openly discuss her issue with him, as he has already had enough at the hands of his parents and there is a strong chance may  cut-off with my family as he won't be able to take it. I don't want to distance from my father. I want my mother to heal, but she will never admit she has an issue, let alone visiting a counsellor. At one point, we feel responsible to take care of parents, but the moms are making life a hell. Want to help the dads.
Everyday is a living nightmare now. Please advice on how I can manage to maintain the relationship with my family.

[CaliGirl25]

I apologize that you are going through that situation. I wish I had more to say. Is it possible that you can have a conversation with your husband while you both are alone about how you both feel? It seems that you can't allow them into your private space without it being extremely unhealthy for you, and everyone else.

[SilverNight]

Hi Hopeful95!
I, too, have a mother with BPD. One thing that's really helped me is the book Surviving a Borderline Parent by Kimberlee Roth and Freda B Friedman. (I have it hidden from my mom, ha... .) It gives a lot of strategies for defusing situations with a BPD parent, and one of the strategies I've found most helpful is on communicating with something they call the 'Bell' method. It involves politely talking to the BP about their behavior. And, conveniently, the steps spell out 'Bell'. The 'B' is be direct about how you see the situation to the BP, as in, try to focus on the facts in what the BP is saying. Like, you could talk to your mom privately about how you've noticed she keeps glaring/saying sarcastic things. You address the issue head-on with the BP while being polite. Part 2, the 'E', is to express yourself by stating your feelings, opinions, and beliefs. Like you could talk about how you feel when she does these things, or about how your husband feels. Next, the 'L' is to lay your requests on the line. Kind of like setting a boundary. The book says, "It should be realistic and feasible... .you don't need to explain it." I'm not sure what you could do here... .um... .sorry... .In this situation, I think you could skip this step. But the last 'L' is to lay a reward on the line. That sounds weird, but it's like saying to the BP, if you could not say those things/give those glances, then [husband would appreciate your presence more, we could have a better relationship, etc]. Something along those lines. Also thanking the BP for taking the time to listen to you helps as well! I'm not too great at giving advice about BP-ness, but I hope this helps somewhat!