Im tired and it makes me fail

[5xFive]

The subject line says it all. I'm so tired. I haven't had an uninterrupted night of sleep since before I was pregnant with d10mo. I do ok if I can get 6 hours in a night, even interrupted, but for many reasons this week, I haven't had more than 5 interrupted hours a night. I feel like, if I could just have one night of 8hours uninterrupted, I would be set for another year! But as I said, this week has been rough. The baby is going through a growth spurt so she's nursing constantly. uBPDh had to work a split shift so he left at 1am weds morning and everything went downhill, as it often does on those nights. Things have been good for a while. I've been working really hard at not jade-ing, and at validation. His cycles have gotten shorter and farther apart.
Until yesterday. He had a bad day and took it out on me. By the time I got home from work, he was so escalated that he started in screaming at me in front of the kids. Calling me all sorts of names. Then he left me alone to take S6 to baseball and handle d10mo while I was there, way past her bedtime. Fine. I'm super mom so I can do that. But then today, he started in immediately after he woke up, after keeping me up late last night. I was 30 mins late for work because one of his complaints is that I put work first. So I didn't do that. Then all day threatening to kill himself, cheat on me or divorce me. All day, one of the 3. Then at the end of the day, I've ruined his life. And I'm so tired, I pushed and argued and defended and it got worse and worse and now he says he's going to an attorney tomorrow. I don't know that I believe him. I think he wants me to say the magic words to make him feel better and then I will be white again. But I'm so tired, I can't figure him out today. Anyway, I'll keep you posted. I just needed a little vent.

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[I_Am_The_Fire]

What you're going through sounds way too familiar! It really sucks! First thing is first. You need sleep. You mentioned that you work also. Is there anyway you can take a day off from work without him knowing so you can get sleep somewhere like at a friend's house?

[5xFive]

That sounds divine!
No. I'm paid hourly and we're in Florida. Still recuperating from Hurricane Irma so I can't take a day off. My mom would totally let me sleep at her place but I can't lose the dolla's for the bills.
Still working on getting my skills back. Still failing. I KNOW what to do. Lol. I know I don't have to jade. Why get defensive when I know it's not true? What's the point in arguing when the only reason I'm arguing is bc I'm in the black? He doesn't feel this way about me most days. He's going through his own sleep deprivation which has dysregulated him and, honestly we're both handling it poorly, he's  just louder and more extreme bc of the BPD. I'm just so tired, I'm not listening to my self -darn-it!

[Tattered Heart]

That sounds divine!
No. I'm paid hourly and we're in Florida. Still recuperating from Hurricane Irma so I can't take a day off. My mom would totally let me sleep at her place but I can't lose the dolla's for the bills.
Still working on getting my skills back. Still failing. I KNOW what to do. Lol. I know I don't have to jade. Why get defensive when I know it's not true? What's the point in arguing when the only reason I'm arguing is bc I'm in the black? He doesn't feel this way about me most days. He's going through his own sleep deprivation which has dysregulated him and, honestly we're both handling it poorly, he's  just louder and more extreme bc of the BPD. I'm just so tired, I'm not listening to my self -darn-it!

You're right. You have the skills. You know that you don't have to JADE. It's hard to remember when you get entrenched in the emotion of the moment. One thing I do when my H gets really worked up is to take a quick breather. I will remove myself to the bathroom and spend just a few quick minutes breathing and talking myself down. I will verbally, outloud ask myself "Why are you defending yourself? You don't have to. Don't JADE." This really helps me get a little perspective back.

Can you leave the house instead of listening to him call you names? If not, what kind of plan can you put into place to do so?

If your mom would let you sleep at her house for a nice nap, could you just take the kids over there so she could watch them while you sleep? Even if it's not during working hours.

[Radcliff]

Monucka, I hope you get some sleep soon!  I know you can do this, but I'm sorry you have to!  It sucks when you've had so little sleep you can't even think straight. On Tuesday, we had an over-the-top r/s evening and night. I slept an hour, then went to work.  Wednesday evening, we were trying to be calm, but my wife couldn't avoid baiting me.  I was so exhausted, I got to a new place that I don't think I've been before.  I knew I was such a total wreck that I couldn't trust myself to have any sort of thoughtful conversation.  In the past, I've tried to function normally or tried to contain the conversation to easier stuff.  Wednesday night I knew I was completely disabled r/s-wise.  So I just started "playing" a constant stream of soothing messages in a quiet voice.  Every time she baited me it was like she was asking me to play basketball with a broken leg, so I just shrugged to myself and kept up the "recorded" soothing messages.  It actually felt like a relief to not get pulled into deeper water than I could handle; it wasn't as hard as you'd think, because I felt safe in my decision to stay out of the deep water.  My wife calmed down to my level, and we actually ended up having one of the most productive calm conversations we'd had in months.  It helped that she was exhausted and wasn't screaming, so your mileage may vary, but perhaps some version of this might work for you.

I loved the suggestion to go to your mother's!  Maybe you could give him a little control, asking him if there's an evening or weekend day when he'd like a little peace to himself and you can take the kids to his mother's to get out of his hair.  Then you give the kids to her and take a nap!

Wentworth

[isilme]

It's so hard to remember the skills to use when we are tired, sick, or both.  I know a lot of our escalations coincide with periods of me being exhausted or sick, and just not able to see the signs or react the most useful way.

I'm sorry it's so rough right now.  At least you've been able to see some improvement when things are more optimal.  I hope you've come through Irma okay.

Every time she baited me it was like she was asking me to play basketball with a broken leg, so I just shrugged to myself and kept up the "recorded" soothing messages.

  Bluesbrother - yeah, when I'm not totally worn out and worn down I can do this in my head.  A but pitfall is not paying enough attention when I feel poorly, and I miss the warning signs and we go from a perfectly "normal" conversation to a break down really quickly. 

[Radcliff]

Monucka,

It's been a while.  Have you all recovered from Irma?  Have you caught up on sleep?

Wentworth

[Frankee]

Still working on getting my skills back. Still failing. I KNOW what to do. Lol. I know I don't have to jade. Why get defensive when I know it's not true? What's the point in arguing when the only reason I'm arguing is bc I'm in the black? He doesn't feel this way about me most days. He's going through his own sleep deprivation which has dysregulated him and, honestly we're both handling it poorly, he's  just louder and more extreme bc of the BPD. I'm just so tired, I'm not listening to my self -darn-it!

I completely understand where you are coming from.  I start to get upset with myself when I throw all the learned tools and knowing what to do out the window.  I keep telling myself that I am human, I am allowed to feel tired, cranky, sick, upset, sleep deprived, etc.  I have an 18 month old and I still remember the nights where I would start to cry because I had past exhaustion staying up with the baby when he wouldn't sleep.  Even now when I crash, I find myself not caring about validation, JADE, being sensitive.  I snap, I grump, I throw my hands up and get frustrated with him, argue, stonewall.  It happens.  We can't be expected to validate and all of that 100% of the time.  We are super moms, but we don't need to run ourselves into the ground.  I know that when that happens, neither of us handle the situation very well. 

Even last night he started snapping at me.  Got upset because he wanted to talk about a character in a show I said I had been watching (two and a half episodes).  When I didn't know who he was talking about, he started snapping saying it was something else I was lying about, how if I watched the show I would know who he was talking about.  I brushed it off and continued getting ready for bed.  He then carried about snapping about some other things I thought were absurd I can't remember.  I rolled over and put my back to him (which I rarely ever do.) I said that he's been snapping at me since he got out of the shower and I didn't even know why.  He said because of the character thing with the show.  Wasn't a reason for him to say the other mean things, he was just being a jerk.  So I just ignored him and let him make his snide remarks.  After awhile, I rolled to face him and offered a peace back rub.  I was too tired to try to wrap my brain around why he really did this unwarranted attack, because I know it wasn't really about the character. 

This morning he was okay.  Could feel tension in the air though.  He got upset briefly, but then curbed it.  We left on good terms and even had a civil conversation where he complimented me on doing a good job.   It's a swing of emotions.  It's okay to get defensive at times (even when you know it's not true).  It's like poking someone constantly with a stick and then telling them not to say stop it.  I sometimes slip when I am constantly poked and accused of something.  I know it won't help the situation, I will just get irritated with the constant accusation.  It happens to the best of us.