introduction

[opentoideas]

 greetings. I am 58 years old and my husband is 69. We have been together for a long time, 30+ years. I have studied and researched BPD over the years, my husband is un diagnosed and would resist even the notion. From time to  from time to time I take strength by reading. However I am finding that the toll this is taking has led to some of my own self-destructive patterns, primarily using cigarettes and my own forms of depression to relegate feelings. I'm thinking maybe a little conversation with others knowledgeable of BPD might be a source of potential strength.

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PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[JoeBPD81]

Hello, opentoideas

This is not a good thing to carry by yourself. I'm glad you reached out for help. My own mood was much worse before I could talk about this with others. I put it into the column of things to do for myself. Because it is a huge difference to be able to talk, even just venting, but also to have some learning still to do. I can't imagine 30 years of taking this in by yourself, and not having any colaboration by your husband who is in denial of the real problem. I'm sorry you,ve been through all that, but I admire your determination.

There is no shame in needing some relief, there is so much a human being can take and we take more than we can chew many times. I don't wonder why you got depressed or turn to tobacco or whatever, I'd wonder how could you not look for some relief.

I hope we help each other to get stronger, and find an exit from suffering in constructive ways. Can you tell us more about your story? What books have you read? Do you have people close to you that are also a source of support?

[Tattered Heart]

Hi opentoideas,

Welcome ,

Sorry that you are feeling depressed. Being in a relationship with a pwBPD can really take its toll on a person. You've found a great place for support and community. We have a lot of really great workshops on the right side of the page that can help you begin to navigate through your relationship. I'd highly suggest that you check them out.

I'd like to second what JoeBPD said. Would you tell us a little more about what has been going on in your relationship or is there something more specific you are struggling with at the moment?

[opentoideas]

Wow, I am so honored by your responses.  I was not, still not sure what to expect here.    it seems uncomfortable for me to tell much more of my story. However I will give it a try. My husband and partner and I work together. We spend more time together  then anyone I know.  that's a challenge -- and in many ways our saving grace.  We are both (him better than me) able to shape-shift to do what is required.

My partner/husband had very abusive childhood.  his dad physically and verbally abused him mom, and her four children.  incest involved his sister under dads abuse.   they lived in a rural area, and moved 23 times before my husband left home, including spending many summers "homeless" (camping)

In very very many respects he is a truly wonderful human being. The suffering in his life helped him to see and learn how he does not want to treat others. That said I am confident he is BPD. He is diagnosed bipolar and takes meds for it however I believe that is a missed diagnosis in his case. He suffers severe depression, inability to regulate feelings, boundary issues, highs and lows, sleeps for a day or two about monthly ( though I doubt he realizes that), has a profound optimism to the point where I truly believe he didn't "remember" his rages or realize their impact on me, and he deals with anger.  often i feel empathy.  and over the years bouts of my own with depression.

recently I am discovering he has a lover of close to two years. He's very discreet and I know he does not want to hurt me.  he doesn't really know how much I have discovered about this relationship. That adds pressure on my shoulder. However I do not feel comfortable exploring the reality of the situation with him. I do not feel it would be constructive and I preferr to build on the positive we have between us. I am a student of the writings of Mort Ferrell  if you are familiar with his work on marriage fitness.  that's been immeasurably helpful

We have active public lives but personal life is private.  i do not have support in my private struggles

I want to separate this reality from all the wonderful things we have in our lives.  Hoping to find ways to care for myself so I don't self destruct further.   I am a wise/well versed  individual, and I know that these actions on his part for the BPD more than anything personal. Yet I struggle.