2 Months NC Update: Feelings on Ex, my "replacement, and more...

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Hi Family!

I took a break from the boards as I was feeling better and needed to detach a bit from all things BPD-related.

So, I wanted to give an update on where I am at my 2 month NC mark in order to a)gain strength/support and b) help others who may be in the earlier stages of a break up with a BPD partner.

1) Feelings about my Ex:

This is still a roller coaster ride but the dips and turns have become less extreme, although, I will admit that there are moments (an hour or less) where I can feel very high and VERY low. I pass through from compassion to sadness to anger to regret to resentment and then, out of the blue, will come a very meaningful and positive flashback which doesn't help with the healing process.

In many ways, I wish I never knew that he was mentally ill, because I believe it makes it harder for me to let go. I'm a very empathetic person and having witnessed his struggles firsthand, it's very hard for me to find inner peace most days knowing that he is out there being so self-destructive. While I hate his behavior - his lies and infidelity, I also feel for him because of his condition. I go from being angry for what I'd been through to feeling guilty for knowing his illness and abandoning him.

It's a hard place to be. I was fine leading up until the two month mark and then BOOM - the realization that it is now 2 months without a peep kind of... .hurt. It makes absolutely no sense logically but I honestly do feel hurt.

2) Feelings about my "replacement"

Well, I seemed to have identified my "replacement" who was either waiting in the wings throughout our relationship or was being groomed towards the end of it. They had been "friends" for sometime and long before we got together, so the guise of a friendship is/was probably true for the most part. In some ways, I feel like I live in a parallel universe where "friendship" means you are NOT sleeping with one another. Not even casually.

I guess this is where my ex and I are quite different.

There is no real evidence that this dude is with my ex besides that he has been spending a lot of time at his house with some of his friends and sometimes just one-on-one. I know for a fact that he was around with friends at my ex's when I was away for work or a wedding, so the opportunity to start "seducing" him was there on several occasions. ::SIGH::

It's a weird place to be because I see this guy as such a down grade. He is obsessed with knives, masochistic/sadistic art (and probably sex), does drugs/drinks and is definitely not as physically attractive. I know the last part sounds like I'm full of myself, but let's be honest - we at least havesome sense of our own attractiveness and this newbie doesn't hold a candle to me.

I get it and I don't get it. He allows my ex to indulge in his self-destructive behavior whereas I was always trying to keep him away from it, so I can see why he would now run to someone who would let him do all the things I wouldn't let him. It's a s+++ show for sure.

3) Moving on (?)

I've met one guy who caught my attention at Crossfit, a new hobby I took up post-break up, but nothing has come of it yet. Some veeeeeery light flirting and interaction but, deep inside, I know I'm not really ready to allow someone else in.

I've become quite isolated and even removed some friends from my life that I found to be toxic after this break up. That was one gift my ex gave me - clarity on what I want from all my relationships. I was taking care of too many people and enabling really unhealthy behavior, so that just had to go. And one person I've "lost" in the process was my best friend of nearly 10 years. A lot has shifted and I'm hoping it will very much be for the better.

Besides that, I went to an intuitive/energy healer a week ago who told me there would be a "relationship shift" in my life and that I should pursue it. At first I was excited and felt reassured that, yes, I will love again or at least date again. But then, I thought of my ex and thought "Wow, what if it's him?".

A lot going on in the brain these days but we're moving through and I'm so grateful that these boards exist. Sharing and relating has been so helpful... .and I hope my sharing and commenting has helped all of you too!

xo

[Angel3287]

Hi Family!

I took a break from the boards as I was feeling better and needed to detach a bit from all things BPD-related.

So, I wanted to give an update on where I am at my 2 month NC mark in order to a)gain strength/support and b) help others who may be in the earlier stages of a break up with a BPD partner.

1) Feelings about my Ex:

This is still a roller coaster ride but the dips and turns have become less extreme, although, I will admit that there are moments (an hour or less) where I can feel very high and VERY low. I pass through from compassion to sadness to anger to regret to resentment and then, out of the blue, will come a very meaningful and positive flashback which doesn't help with the healing process.

In many ways, I wish I never knew that he was mentally ill, because I believe it makes it harder for me to let go. I'm a very empathetic person and having witnessed his struggles firsthand, it's very hard for me to find inner peace most days knowing that he is out there being so self-destructive. While I hate his behavior - his lies and infidelity, I also feel for him because of his condition. I go from being angry for what I'd been through to feeling guilty for knowing his illness and abandoning him.

It's a hard place to be. I was fine leading up until the two month mark and then BOOM - the realization that it is now 2 months without a peep kind of... .hurt. It makes absolutely no sense logically but I honestly do feel hurt.

2) Feelings about my "replacement"

Well, I seemed to have identified my "replacement" who was either waiting in the wings throughout our relationship or was being groomed towards the end of it. They had been "friends" for sometime and long before we got together, so the guise of a friendship is/was probably true for the most part. In some ways, I feel like I live in a parallel universe where "friendship" means you are NOT sleeping with one another. Not even casually.

I guess this is where my ex and I are quite different.

There is no real evidence that this dude is with my ex besides that he has been spending a lot of time at his house with some of his friends and sometimes just one-on-one. I know for a fact that he was around with friends at my ex's when I was away for work or a wedding, so the opportunity to start "seducing" him was there on several occasions. ::SIGH::

It's a weird place to be because I see this guy as such a down grade. He is obsessed with knives, masochistic/sadistic art (and probably sex), does drugs/drinks and is definitely not as physically attractive. I know the last part sounds like I'm full of myself, but let's be honest - we at least havesome sense of our own attractiveness and this newbie doesn't hold a candle to me.

I get it and I don't get it. He allows my ex to indulge in his self-destructive behavior whereas I was always trying to keep him away from it, so I can see why he would now run to someone who would let him do all the things I wouldn't let him. It's a s+++ show for sure.

3) Moving on (?)

I've met one guy who caught my attention at Crossfit, a new hobby I took up post-break up, but nothing has come of it yet. Some veeeeeery light flirting and interaction but, deep inside, I know I'm not really ready to allow someone else in.

I've become quite isolated and even removed some friends from my life that I found to be toxic after this break up. That was one gift my ex gave me - clarity on what I want from all my relationships. I was taking care of too many people and enabling really unhealthy behavior, so that just had to go. And one person I've "lost" in the process was my best friend of nearly 10 years. A lot has shifted and I'm hoping it will very much be for the better.

Besides that, I went to an intuitive/energy healer a week ago who told me there would be a "relationship shift" in my life and that I should pursue it. At first I was excited and felt reassured that, yes, I will love again or at least date again. But then, I thought of my ex and thought "Wow, what if it's him?".

A lot going on in the brain these days but we're moving through and I'm so grateful that these boards exist. Sharing and relating has been so helpful... .and I hope my sharing and commenting has helped all of you too!

xo

[Harley Quinn]

Hi Angel,

This is a great update and thanks for sharing with us.  You seem to be doing some good reflection here and look to be clear on what is affecting you and how.  I would also like to congratulate you on the way you handled the birthday, which I read about in your other post.  Hats off to you for pushing yourself to do something new and fun, giving yourself a sense of power back in your life.  It sounded great!

While I hate his behavior - his lies and infidelity, I also feel for him because of his condition. I go from being angry for what I'd been through to feeling guilty for knowing his illness and abandoning him.

This is a tough one for many of us here.  As a kind and caring individual it's to be expected that you will still feel compassion for him despite his behaviour.  However that guilt is not going to help you or him, so try to let it go.  Remember that someone else has taken over the role of caretaker now by the sounds of it, so it is no longer your responsibility.  He chose his path, now you choose yours and free yourself of the backwards glances.  You deserve peace in your life and to heal.

BOOM - the realization that it is now 2 months without a peep kind of... .hurt. It makes absolutely no sense logically but I honestly do feel hurt.

It makes sense.  You had a strong bond and to see evidence that the bond broken is painful.  It's OK to feel hurt.  At the same time, it is a positive that you are not having the push/pull to deal with whilst you focus on yourself and detaching.  Getting to where you are now has been a process which would not have been as effective had you been exposed to further drama, so you're in a healthier place emotionally for the lack of contact from him.

In some ways, I feel like I live in a parallel universe where "friendship" means you are NOT sleeping with one another. Not even casually.

I live there too.

I've met one guy who caught my attention at Crossfit, a new hobby I took up post-break up, but nothing has come of it yet. Some veeeeeery light flirting and interaction but, deep inside, I know I'm not really ready to allow someone else in.

I've become quite isolated and even removed some friends from my life that I found to be toxic after this break up. That was one gift my ex gave me - clarity on what I want from all my relationships. I was taking care of too many people and enabling really unhealthy behavior, so that just had to go. And one person I've "lost" in the process was my best friend of nearly 10 years. A lot has shifted and I'm hoping it will very much be for the better.

I'd agree that it's probably best to hold fire at the moment on re entering the dating scene, as it will be helpful to yourself and any potential partner to get through the residual effects of the r/s and properly heal first.  This time now is an opportunity to really focus on you and give yourself the love you have for others.  That will give you a firm foundation on which to build something new in time.

Regards noticing unhealthy behaviour in those around you, this is really positive and although I'm sorry to hear about the loss of your best friend, if this is going to be better for you and your happiness long term I applaud you.  I have downsized my life considerably over the years for the same reasons slowly but surely.  It pays to have people around you that you can have healthy reciprocal relationships with and who reflect similar core values to yourself.  It's also good to surround yourself with people whom you'd aspire to be like - mentors in a way - whom you can respect and learn from, who will encourage you to grow rather than drag you down.  It is said that you become those who you surround yourself with.  I've noticed that when I've had friends who are drama queens my life becomes more chaotic and less peaceful!  So if you have openings in your life for new acquaintances, friends etc. choose wisely who you wish to associate with.  All in all this sounds like a new beginning for you and that is (whilst scary at times) a very exciting place to be.  How do you feel having written this update and reading it back?  

Love and light x  






  

[confused4now]

  Thank you for your update, it gives me hope , I had 5 weeks no contact and broke it yesterday . I felt like you, really hurt that he didn't even try to contact me. I made up some reason about bills that he needed to changed overt to his name. Luckily he waited 24 hrs to respond. When he did I was over the pull to connect and it reinforced the games we have always played. He text me info regarding the bills and changed his name on accounts. I just wish I would have been stronger, at the same time it did not trigger any desires to continue contact.  I wonder at times if I need to check in less often on the boards, It might be keeping me ruminating on the problem. I am so glad you turned a corner, I think I am on my way as well.  

[Angel3287]

Hi Angel,

This is a great update and thanks for sharing with us.  You seem to be doing some good reflection here and look to be clear on what is affecting you and how.  I would also like to congratulate you on the way you handled the birthday, which I read about in your other post.  Hats off to you for pushing yourself to do something new and fun, giving yourself a sense of power back in your life.  It sounded great!
 -

Thanks, Harley! Yes - the birthday weekend actually ended up being a great time and I'm really pleased with how I handled it. I did everything in my power not to "break" NC and thought if I literally put myself in the middle of a river, then there was NO WAY I could contact him on his bday. I still struggle with having said nothing but know that that would not have been in service to either of us.

-
This is a tough one for many of us here.  As a kind and caring individual it's to be expected that you will still feel compassion for him despite his behaviour.  However that guilt is not going to help you or him, so try to let it go.  Remember that someone else has taken over the role of caretaker now by the sounds of it, so it is no longer your responsibility.  He chose his path, now you choose yours and free yourself of the backwards glances.  You deserve peace in your life and to heal.
-

I totally agree. Being a caretaker is so in my nature that it feels so foreign for me to "let go" and not think about his or another person's well-being. I know he is surviving just fine but knowing what is boiling underneath is what concerns me. I am getting better at letting go, so I'm doing what I can day-by-day.
-

It makes sense.  You had a strong bond and to see evidence that the bond broken is painful.  It's OK to feel hurt.  At the same time, it is a positive that you are not having the push/pull to deal with whilst you focus on yourself and detaching.  Getting to where you are now has been a process which would not have been as effective had you been exposed to further drama, so you're in a healthier place emotionally for the lack of contact from him.
-

This is painful, yes. I often think that he has left certain comments on my instagram post-breakup for a reason... .he deleted all such things from his previous ex's feeds. I know that it is stupid to think about but I wonder if it is part of the plan to come back in some fashion, as his final text read "I don't feel like seeing you anytime soon. Be well.". It's so open-ended that it's haunting. It would have been better to say "I hate your guts and hope you die. Never contact me again.". At least that's final!


-

I'd agree that it's probably best to hold fire at the moment on re entering the dating scene, as it will be helpful to yourself and any potential partner to get through the residual effects of the r/s and properly heal first.  This time now is an opportunity to really focus on you and give yourself the love you have for others.  That will give you a firm foundation on which to build something new in time.
-

I totally agree again! While I like the idea of finding another love interest, I know this would only be a rebound... .and the thought of a rebound just makes me feel "ew". . Feels too in-line with BPD behavior so I would avoid it like the plague.

-
Regards noticing unhealthy behaviour in those around you, this is really positive and although I'm sorry to hear about the loss of your best friend, if this is going to be better for you and your happiness long term I applaud you.  I have downsized my life considerably over the years for the same reasons slowly but surely.  It pays to have people around you that you can have healthy reciprocal relationships with and who reflect similar core values to yourself.  It's also good to surround yourself with people whom you'd aspire to be like - mentors in a way - whom you can respect and learn from, who will encourage you to grow rather than drag you down.  It is said that you become those who you surround yourself with.  I've noticed that when I've had friends who are drama queens my life becomes more chaotic and less peaceful!  So if you have openings in your life for new acquaintances, friends etc. choose wisely who you wish to associate with.  All in all this sounds like a new beginning for you and that is (whilst scary at times) a very exciting place to be. 
-

Yes, it really is hard to have let go of people who you know cared for you but are not on the same path as you anymore. Detaching from my best friend was, both, easy and hard. I realized that I missed their presence more than I missed their substance in the end. Weird and harsh, but true. I realized I wasn't getting what I needed and while I do feel lonely in the moment, I am grateful that I've chosen loneliness (for now) versus toxicity. I'll make new friends and have another boyfriend, so keeping "my eye on the prize" is what I'm striving for.
-

How do you feel having written this update and reading it back?
-

It feels... .

It feels... .

good? odd? surreal?

It's hard to pinpoint how I feel exactly. Have I made progress? Absolutely. Do I think I have some mild PTSD? In triggering moments, yes I do. Have I found or been trying to find purpose and healthy coping methods? YES. YES. YES.

If I can focus on one thing positive from this experience, it's that I will make good choices in times of real emotional and psychological turmoil. As hard as it is to do, I always have my best interests at heart and will take the measures to help myself. It's a good feeling to know you have your own back.

xo
 

Love and light x 






 

[Angel3287]

  Thank you for your update, it gives me hope , I had 5 weeks no contact and broke it yesterday . I felt like you, really hurt that he didn't even try to contact me. I made up some reason about bills that he needed to changed overt to his name. Luckily he waited 24 hrs to respond. When he did I was over the pull to connect and it reinforced the games we have always played. He text me info regarding the bills and changed his name on accounts. I just wish I would have been stronger, at the same time it did not trigger any desires to continue contact.  I wonder at times if I need to check in less often on the boards, It might be keeping me ruminating on the problem. I am so glad you turned a corner, I think I am on my way as well.  

Hey confused!

It's good to hear from you and I think taking a step back is also necessary in recovery. It helps us evaluate where we are and forces us to remember what we really want out of all of this. I'm guilty of checking my ex's and my probable replacement's social media in weak moments - we all have weak moments.

I don't really know why I do it but I do know that I just feel compelled to. I don't know if I'm looking for familiar signs or signs of the relationship growing/coming undone... .no idea. I will say that every time I look, I think "I can't believe this loser chose this loser to replace me with." . It makes me feel good and bad all at the same time.

With regards to the board -

For me, it was great to check in everyday in the beginning when all was fresh. I think it's like being an recovering alcoholic, where you need constant check-ins to manage your withdrawal and to maintain stability without your drug of choice. I'd say that if coming to the boards seems to draw up a lot of ruminating, then perhaps it would be in your best interest to take a break. Let your brain let go of this for a day or two. Purposefully avoid all things BPD-related.

Life is not all about our BPD exs now! Thank God!