Was doing well...until today

[WhimsicalLogic]

If you have seen my previous posts here’s a quick rundown post breakup:

- Tried to remain close friends as she started therapy (texting frequently throughout the day)
- She withdrew abruptly. I learned she met someone who is the new love of her life
- We stayed connected on social media for a month as I watched her new relationship go through the predictable chaos of a rebound for a pwBPD
- I couldn’t take it anymore of hanging around hoping she would wise up, go back to treatment, and rebuild our relationship, so I blocked her on all social media.

I made it for about a week before I decided to unblock her. I didn’t reconnect or reach out, but I subtly reopened the door.

I’m not sure what to do. I’m trying to focus on myself, I’m actively dating, but ultimately, I just want her back. I miss the connection we had. I’m afraid I won’t find that again. There are so many things that I do on a daily basis  I want to talk with her about. She was my sounding board for everything and now that’s gone.

Today was a rough day. Maybe tomorrow I’ll think of her less.

[Lost-love-mind]

- She withdrew abruptly. ... .

I’m not sure what to do. I’m trying to focus on myself, I’m actively dating, but ultimately, I just want her back. I miss the connection we had. I’m afraid I won’t find that again. There are so many things that I do on a daily basis  I want to talk with her about. She was my sounding board for everything and now that’s gone.

Today was a rough day. Maybe tomorrow I’ll think of her less.

I'm 4 mos out from a mere 2 mos. R/S and I feel that same way. My active dating are a series of single coffee meetings with no connection like I felt that first meeting with my exBPD. The eye contact was exactly like explained in article in this site.

It can only get better by not cyberstalking on FB or internet.

Stop asap. Otherwise you will suffer my fate of constantly thinking she might come back.

Working on myself, "cleaning my side of the street" and finding support partners and/or sponsors.

Anyway you can, get assistance. The first 2 mos after my breakup were the worst abyss I experienced. EVER.
 
Good luck.

[Tomacini]

There's nothing I can say or do to make you feel better. I'm 2 months out of a relationship and I can say it gets better day by day, week by week. We had our break up and make up cycles but what helped me eventually soften the blow was go realise this r/s wasn't leading anywhere and we would have been going through the same cycles over and over. Is that the life I wanted to live? Full of stress and anxiety? The answer is of course no.

What exactly about her do you miss? Make a list of 3 things you miss about her as a person? More often you miss the comfort, the cuddling, not being alone in life... .but that's not the same as missing her.

As far as the connection with her goes, how connected can you really be to a person that has trust issues and won't allow anyone to come too close? Of course there must have been a connection but how deep did that really go?

[WhimsicalLogic]

Thanks, Beezlexconduit
Steering clear of her social media this past week has definitely helped. I’m sure I just time to do its thing and keep the focus on myself. No relationship has affected me in this way. I’m so off my game right now.

[WhimsicalLogic]

Thank you, Tomacini
The main thing I miss is my creative partner. Both of us pursue art as a serious hobby and I no longer have that person I could bounce ideas off of. Tell me where to push something or where to bail on something. She is my intellectual equal and my creative limit test. It was the most fulfilling part of our relationship and it lasted beyond our breakup until the replacement came into the picture.

You’re right. She currently doesn’t have the ability to have any form of a stable, two-way relationship at this time. I deserve to have that. It’s just the easiest thing to find once I’ve made a connection like that. I just need to have to patience and no she’s not a unicorn and there are other people who can give me what she did and more. It just doesn’t feel like that today.

[Lost-love-mind]

Both of us pursue ... .as a serious hobby and I no longer have that person I could bounce ideas off of. Tell me where to push something or where to bail on something. She is my intellectual equal and It ... was the most fulfilling part of our relationship... .

Same with my exBPD (edited for fit).
Thinking that way keeps you invested in the idea of possible reconciliation.It's an illusion.
I'm sure in your hobby there are a huge ocean of many other potentially compatible mates.
I'm embarrassed by my main commonality with my exBPD because of its potential charge of hatred - POTUS.
Now try to find even a small pond of potential mates for me with that in common?
Hopefully you see the potential humor in my post and feel somewhat better today.

[CottonClouds]

I agree with the other posters, avoiding her social media all together is the only answer. Once you stop seeing pictures and videos of her she starts to fade in your mind, but as for the art thing reaching out to some local art clubs or other art communities should help. There are so many artsy people out there who are such sweet people/no drama from them.

I sometimes miss the person I knew with BPD as well, they were so magnetic, more like "the one" for me than anyone before. Unlike this person, I don't see others in black and white terms. While I generally dislike them now, I still respect and value a lot of their qualities. They are grey to me, just like everyone else. They helped me learn more about myself and what I want in life than anyone else, but it was time to move on. I think why people with BPD seem so attractive is because they are always focusing their energy on others, so they observe others' attractive qualities and mimic them, thus becoming the ultimate desirable person(a collage of likable people, but none really their true self). I really want to interact with people who direct their energy inward now. Those are the modest people I need in my life.

Good luck,
~CottonClouds

[Pretty Woman]

Hi There,
  Social media is a promotional tool, not just to persons with BPD. It's similar to the generic "smiling family" in the store picture frame. You likely won't see bad stuff posted, you will likely see things that will wound you if you are not over your ex.

When it comes down to it, it really doesn't matter what your ex is doing. Whatever she is going is her business and you are not living life looking at her world that you are no longer a part of.

I know, easier said than done.

I've been on these boards four years now. I discovered this site between all my recycles and have been on here three years since the final discard.

It DOES get better. You will find if you haven't already, there is a lot of work to do... .on you. Your ex will never give you the answers you seek, closure is something you need to find on your own... .and you will, if you work on yourself. Working on you will help you to make better choices and not pick emotionally unavailable partners. Working on myself changed my life... .for the better!

Good luck to you!    Keep posting!

[FSTL]

I did a lot of what was described in the original post... .

- helped her into therapy,
- was there for her, and
- ... .then she just treated me like rubbish when she had other people giving her attention.

Perhaps deep down I was just waiting for her to get over or dumped by my replacement. The whole thing cycled over and over and it really was just an extension of our BPD centric relationship, but in a new form.

Something happened (who knows what?) around late-August and, despite reaching out to me virtually every week for 8 months, she has suddenly gone silent. Never got a thank you for the help I gave her - just ghosted (sort of - we still work in same building).

The other thing that happened is that I met someone new around Easter and have slowly built things up. Her ex is almost certainly BPD, so we have a lot in common, including a tendency to do co-dependency type stuff. Less thrilling than the BPDx, but so much nicer overall due to the lack of crazy.

I have bad days every now and then (hence me coming back here after a month or two away), but I just know I want the new life I have and not the soul sucking craziness of before.

Every once in a while I briefly think of the BPDx, but now it's more realising she wasn't who I wanted her to be and also that her current BF must be facing all the stuff I had to put up with. She stopped therapy a while back and there's no way she's recovered in that space of time.

So I am doing my side of the street and not worrying about her. Long road, but feeling so much better.

I consider it a blessing as she has done the work for me of cutting her off.

[Freeatlast_1]

If you have seen my previous posts here’s a quick rundown post breakup:

- Tried to remain close friends as she started therapy (texting frequently throughout the day)
- She withdrew abruptly. I learned she met someone who is the new love of her life
- We stayed connected on social media for a month as I watched her new relationship go through the predictable chaos of a rebound for a pwBPD
- I couldn’t take it anymore of hanging around hoping she would wise up, go back to treatment, and rebuild our relationship, so I blocked her on all social media.

I made it for about a week before I decided to unblock her. I didn’t reconnect or reach out, but I subtly reopened the door.

I’m not sure what to do. I’m trying to focus on myself, I’m actively dating, but ultimately, I just want her back. I miss the connection we had. I’m afraid I won’t find that again. There are so many things that I do on a daily basis  I want to talk with her about. She was my sounding board for everything and now that’s gone.

Today was a rough day. Maybe tomorrow I’ll think of her less.

Whimsicalogic
I am in the same situation. 2 months NC. I know she's with a new person now and maybe in a honeymoon stage. She's very sexual and once she finds a target she focuses fully on him for a while. During our last break up, she got with someone for 6 months. She did reach out to be every month though, telling me how much she missed me. Then once it ended, we got back together. Then broke up 2 mo ago. I don't look at her Social media at all, I can't afford the shock. I've had a lot of anxiety during and after this R/S I don't want to add to it. Please try not to stalk her anywhere, it's painful. Wanting her back, as I do mind, is I believe a part of being in denial. Looking at them with Rose colored glasses at this point. I had to go back to my journal to read about the cheating and the yelling and the cursing, which I journaled when they happened. Then I got a panic attack just reading it. A part of me wants her back as well, but I have a feeling that as time passes, I will recover. I think you might just want to give it more time and hang in there a day at a time, an hour at a time. I will start a thread asking people to share their recovery process by month so we can anticipate the stages.