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Author Topic: Fresh break up  (Read 3547 times)
Meili
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« Reply #30 on: September 30, 2017, 09:42:47 AM »

HQ is right, you really need to consider the motivation for wanting to send the letter.

You mentioned vindication, how will you feel vindicated? You said that she told you that she feels that you put her through a lot over the past three years. Do you think that knowing that she feels that you are putting her through more will make you feel any better?

How do you think that it might bring you closure? Do you think that will come from telling her how you feel? My guess is that you've told her more than once over the past few years how you felt. Why would the outcome be any different this time?
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Teddy1953

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« Reply #31 on: September 30, 2017, 11:44:40 AM »

In my heart of hearts, I knew that would be the general consensus , I wrote it last night, and as I have read it over and over several times today, my attitude it has softened. It is a little harsh, but I've taken excerpts from some books I have been reading, and quoted them word for word. As I was writing it last night I said to myself, " how in the world could she not see that this is HER"? But as you people have said, she's been doing this her entire life, why would some unflattering words from someone, who she has ALREADY dismissed, be a life changing statement. I just felt the need to speak my peace, she has credited me for making the last three years of her life miserable, when in reality, my actions were merely REACTIONS to her behavior. Do I want a miraculous change in her, am I looking for her to say, " he's right" , that I know for a FACT will not happen, it's merely for my own stupid pride, which at the moment, I don't have a lot of; inwill not post it, it just felt good saying it, even if no one was listening ; thank you for your input
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« Reply #32 on: September 30, 2017, 12:31:19 PM »

We are listening 
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« Reply #33 on: September 30, 2017, 04:43:33 PM »

drained1996 is right - we are and if you would still like to share it here to lay it to rest, feel free.  It is cathartic to write things down and some members write letters they would like to send here as a record for themselves of how they were feeling at that particular time.  Whatever helps you.  I used to write down in a little notebook things that popped into my head so I could look back some day and still be able to draw upon important memories and realisations, lest they be forgotten forever.  I've learned so much on this journey I felt I wanted to capture these lessons.  The things that are so present in your mind today will slowly drift away.  Most of all, acknowledge and accept your feelings.  They will change and it's OK to be angry or sad.  We can cycle through these emotions and that's OK too.

Love and light x
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Teddy1953

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« Reply #34 on: September 30, 2017, 08:47:40 PM »

Yes, I now see that hq, is I re read what I've written down over the last couple of days, it seems so mean and hateful, and that's not me at all, which is most likely why I'm in this situation now; I'm not a mean vindictive, angry person and my B P D sensed that from the very begging, the more I read what I have written, the more I say to myself, that's not me, what good is this going to do , why would I go out of my way to hurt someone, it won't make me feel any better; truth is , it makes me even my sad, because believe it or not, I care for this woman STILL! I'm not capable of turning the love button on and off as I see fit, where as my B P D x, has that ability at the drop of a hat. I'll not send them , I'll let this chapter of my life die a slow and painful death, on my part at least, my wounds are still raw, I'm waiting for the day that they will heal, but this has touched me in a way I've never had to deal with before; thank you for your time and patience
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« Reply #35 on: October 01, 2017, 02:49:26 PM »

Excerpt
this has touched me in a way I've never had to deal with before

That's why we're here.  Because we all have been where you are and wouldn't wish it on anyone.  It is like no other breakup.  Yet in time you too will find that it can be a gift also.  At the moment, keep the pressure on that wound and allow yourself to grieve.  It's not unbelievable to love someone who treated us badly.  That's OK.  The loss of a loved one is very difficult and painful.  Be kind to yourself and listen to your needs.  It can be hard to do the normal things yet you really must at present push yourself to go through the motions and in time it will become less forced.  Are you involved in anything in your local area?  How do you spend your time? 

Love and light x
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« Reply #36 on: October 01, 2017, 03:10:30 PM »

Teddy -- I'm glad you were able to write all that down, not send it, and then read it later,  when some time had passed. See -- emotions come and go. And it must have been insightful to see what kinds of emotions this can bring out in YOU.    It's interesting how they can "push our buttons" like no one else -- and we end up saying or doing things so outside of our own beliefs because of their pushing

If she is BPD maybe it's because something terrible happened to her long ago. And we can continue the horrible infection by spreading more hurt back AND FORTH -- backward to her and forward to someone else maybe -- or we can be true to our selves and maybe, just maybe, our example of love can be a quiet inspiration to our exBPDs. Or at least it stops the infection in us and with us.  Love conquers all. Real love
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Teddy1953

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« Reply #37 on: October 01, 2017, 05:23:43 PM »

WOW! Thank you so very much " seenowayout" that was so well said and so insightful,, yes she has had a MISERABLE past, abuse, abandonment, at least that's what I'm being told, but it is most likely the truth ; that my friend is the meaning of compassion, when I wrote all of that down , initially, I felt like I had made peace, but after reading it over and over, and sitting on it, ( thanks to you good people) the mor mean spirited and cruel it became , AND THAT IS NOT ME! I wanted her to feel the pain , rejection , and lonliness I was feeling, but believing she feels the same way I do at this moment, is not realistic. I keep saying to myself, she's going to crash and burn any day now, and that's also cruel. I don't want revenge, I just want to be RELEASED from this crap.Theres a small part of me that wishes she would just move on to the next WHITE KNIGHT and at least that would give me some closure, I think! Now I know the pain she put her x through when she was running around with me, and also the pain I put MY x through as well. KARMA, she's always there
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Teddy1953

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« Reply #38 on: October 01, 2017, 06:35:23 PM »

H Q; yes I am going through the motions , it seems the outside world is in slow motion! This has been the LONGEST WEEKEND EVER! I have WAY to much spare time, as I've previously stated, my x wanted my undivided time , and attention, so much that I WAS THE ONE BEING SMOTHERED; I justified her behavior by saying , " she loves me that much she wants to spend every minute with me" . I force myself to go to the gym , my only release, as I sat in church today, all I could think of was my failed relationship, during the week I have work to occupy my time, but most of the day I'm in a fog , thinking of the past, really really sucks, I CANT FOCUS !
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drained1996
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« Reply #39 on: October 01, 2017, 11:35:09 PM »

Excerpt
I just want to be RELEASED from this crap. There's a small part of me that wishes she would just move on to the next WHITE KNIGHT and at least that would give me some closure, I think!

Closure is something you're going to have to do for yourself.  Searching for and hoping they participate in some form of closure that would satisfy our wants and needs most likely will not occur.  Of course, that's part of our own problem... .the inability to release something we know is not good for us... .and quite frankly we do not want... .we just feel that way at times.  
Learning to release is part of detachment.  
Ask yourself... .why would you want to continue an attachment with someone who constantly causes you pain?
You deserve better, and you logically know that... .your brain tells you that, but your heart says something else.  You're heart will catch up with your brain.
Why is your heart stuck with someone who would treat you as you have been treated?  My T asked me that more than one time... .I never had a good answer. Through my own process... .I've learned why I was that way.
I loved my pwBPD, and she loved me to the best of her ability... .which simply was not good enough... .and that's ok.  I finally found it was time to look after me... .after a life of trying to please everyone else.
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Mutt
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« Reply #40 on: October 06, 2017, 08:23:45 PM »

Excerpt
Learning to release is part of detachment. 
Ask yourself... .why would you want to continue an attachment with someone who constantly causes you pain?

That’s a very good question   Bullet: contents of text or email (click to insert in post) draine1996  Bullet: contents of text or email (click to insert in post) Teddy1953 mentioned being in the FOG. I don’t that there many members here that can’t relate with going back to our owBPD like a moth to a flame, there more that you detach the further that you’ll drift away from the fog. Talking to others her will also help you get feedback that will ground you.

How’s your week been Tesdy1953? Did you struggle with your concentration?
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Teddy1953

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« Reply #41 on: October 07, 2017, 08:20:52 AM »

Yes focus and concentration was a difficult task. REALLY thought I was in some sort of depression, or anxiety issues, have only experienced that years ago during my struggles with another past experience ; went to dr. Got an anti depressant , nothing heavy , just something to take the edge off, can't tell if it's working or not, giving it a few more days, my mind ALWAYS seems to wander back to her, I have to force myself to think of the bad times we had, and they were plentiful, but my mind always goes in the opposite direction , feeling so very alone, and not knowing if I will ever be able to carry on a meaningful and healthy relationship with anyone else; I feel so DAMAGED, used, and of course, alone ! But I will continue the fight, can't give up
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« Reply #42 on: October 07, 2017, 08:48:06 AM »

  I too felt damaged and broken after the antics of my ex and I can assure you that as you build yourself back up piece by piece that feeling fades.  It is a conscious effort to take steps forwards and rebuild yourself, and those steps add up before you know it.  One day you will stop and think 'actually, I've done well to reach this point' and that will be the day the tide turns.  Try to celebrate small successes.  Like doing something you would have done together, rather than avoiding it.  Also doing something new that is just for you.  Perhaps an interest that you've not yet explored.  Connecting with others is really valuable as it gives you that feeling of being nurtured and soothed.  So I looked around at what was available in my area and got signed up to things.  Stuff that was appropriate to my own healing journey.  Consider this as you can feel proud of yourself for venturing into the unknown and it gives you a firm foundation on which to build a new life full of infinite possibilities, therefore gradually removing the bleak and empty feeling that can accompany such a breakup.

It's good to hear that you saw your doctor and decided to accept some help in the form of medication.  It can take a couple of weeks to get into your system, so give it chance to take effect.  I take an SSRI and it has helped me enormously.  Were you also offered any talking therapy?

Love and light x 
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« Reply #43 on: October 07, 2017, 10:14:31 AM »

Hi Teddy

Sorry to hear your going through this. I like many others here have been there and understand just how painful this is for you.

To answer your question "why would you want to go back?" I will pose another question. Why does a heroin addict go back?

The long and the short of it is that we became addicted to them. Not in a hypothetical way but in a real chemical addiction way. The endorphins and other feel good hormones they caused us to produce we became hooked on. That's why I found myself staying longer than I should have just for the chance of another hit of the good stuff.

For me this explanation helped me to come to terms with things. It may not be for you but there are articles here that compare the lovesick brain to that of a person going through drug withdrawal.
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Teddy1953

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« Reply #44 on: October 07, 2017, 10:38:29 AM »

Yes H Q, have also been seeing therapist as well; what boggles my mind is , therapy, medication, church, how can one human being have this much adverse effect on ME? My god I have been through a lot worst then this , life or death situations were common place for me at one point in my life; now I'm on melds , therapy, OVER A WOMAN! I just don't get it!
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« Reply #45 on: October 07, 2017, 11:46:02 AM »

Excerpt
went to dr. Got an anti depressant , nothing heavy , just something to take the edge off, can't tell if it's working or not, giving it a few more days,

Talk to your MD or GP, you may need to change the dosage, it can take a month until you feel the effects.
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Seenowayout
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« Reply #46 on: October 07, 2017, 01:14:46 PM »

My god I have been through a lot worst then this , life or death situations were common place for me at one point in my life; now I'm on melds , therapy, OVER A WOMAN! I just don't get it!

You're not alone teddy. I ask myself this everyday.   The more time goes by, the more my head clears, the more I reconnect with my old life and my old friends and even take on new interests -- i look back and I go "what the heck was that?" Also the more I realize the addiction analogy is a good one.  We all have our weakness. Before I met my ex -- I thought I was invincible. Strong enough to fix her in fact!  Jokes on us isn't it?  Or is it?  I'm feeling strong again.  Strong enough to admit I am weak  strong enough to know I did my best  strong enough to know one day at a time I will build a world of real love.  I won't sugar coat it -- six months on there isn't a day that I don't think about her.  But as bad as the pain has been -- I feel my life is better for it.  It's taught me things about myself I didn't really know.  Wish I learned it 30 years ago but cest la vie.

Anyway -- the fact that a woman can bring you down says sit of positive about you in my mind. Don't beat yourself up about it
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Teddy1953

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« Reply #47 on: October 08, 2017, 12:21:08 PM »

At the beginning of this break up I could not for the life of me understand why this break up was so so emotionally charged, why was I so heart broken, why the intense felling some of despair and loniiness, but being on this site, and some well placed therapy I am SLOWLY seeing why this person has effected me so deeply. It doesn't make my plight any easier, in fact at times I struggle to understand why me? But as I'm learning , I was ripe for the picking, I was vulnerable , I was looking for that adoration that I had never experienced IN MY ENTIRE LIFE! Yes it is a drug, it is an addiction, it is so very intoxicating I'd sell my soul for another hit! But I know in my heart, it will never be the same, that intense love I had for this person still remains in my heart, but it is wasted and not to be ; that's where I struggle the most, it just feels hopeless to try again
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« Reply #48 on: October 08, 2017, 02:51:11 PM »

Teddy, turn the intense love towards yourself now.  If we can do this, then we can heal ourselves and be healthier, which in turn can in time attract a healthier mate if that is what we seek.  Someone who's core values align with our own.  It's great that you are in therapy.  Keep doing the work.  It's so worth it.  You are worth it. 

Love and light x
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« Reply #49 on: October 08, 2017, 04:00:17 PM »

Yes. Love yourself. The love you showered on this other person shows you are full of love, real selfless love, that you are a good man.
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« Reply #50 on: October 09, 2017, 11:58:47 PM »

Excerpt
that intense love I had for this person still remains in my heart, but it is wasted and not to be ; that's where I struggle the most, it just feels hopeless to try again

It's not wasted... .you've shown yourself you can love intensely.  It's where that love falls next is the question.  In my own journey that love had to fall into myself.  I had to learn to love me.  I'm still a work in progress, but taking those first steps was very empowering.  Once you begin to love yourself (in a healthy manner) you begin to radiate your good vibes to those around you.  In time, those radiations of good grounded values and self esteem will offer you opportunities... .opportunities that may lead to a healthy adult relationship.  It's not hopeless... .there is time involved... .and some work on your end that I'm pretty sure you are doing.  Keep it up, and be compassionate with yourself.  Any human who has just been through hell and met the devil needs some time to take notes, assess everything, and begin to make a plan to move forward to a better and brighter future.  With your therapy and support here, you're off to a tremendous start.  Keep sharing... .we are here.   

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« Reply #51 on: October 10, 2017, 02:08:35 PM »

Excerpt
Once you begin to love yourself (in a healthy manner) you begin to radiate your good vibes to those around you.  In time, those radiations of good grounded values and self esteem will offer you opportunities... .opportunities that may lead to a healthy adult relationship

That's a good point. I have a girlfriend now and I had someone else interested in me and I asked them both, what attracted you and they both said "You give off good vibes" You start to attract people that are similar to you when you practice self compassion, you attract someone that doesn't have your best interest at heart and is toxic but that's where your boundaries fall into place.

Boundaries is also an act of self compassion. Imagine and invisible fence around you that serves to protect your morals and values. A simple explanation is that it keeps the good stuff in and the bad stuff out. If you take good care of yourself, loved ones will notice and that may rub off on them, it makes others around you feel good. Take really good care of yourself Teddy1953.
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Teddy1953

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« Reply #52 on: October 11, 2017, 02:27:21 PM »

At one point in my life , I was quite sure of myself, and was ALWAYS a source of " good vibes" ! All of my self esteem, confidence, positive attitude, and my zest for life feels like it's been SUCKED out of me with this break up. I'm sick of hearing myself complain and whine about POOR ME; with all the suffering and tragedy in the world today, my issues seem so self centered and pitiful, but I guess that's just the state of mind I am in at the moment; here's a question, after a break up with a B P D, do they take on the attitude that you can now become " friends" , and act like this was just " one of those things" that didn't work out. Do they have that ability to change gears so QUICKLY? As I've read on this site, are they already looking for the next WHITE KNIGHT, are they climbing the relationship ladder higher to the next step? I have no false allusions my x feels the same remorse and regret as I am feeling, I'm just REALLY sick of this funk I'm in , trying to dig out of this self imposed hole
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« Reply #53 on: October 11, 2017, 05:30:27 PM »

A lot of members find that their exes have another person somewhere in the wings or move on quickly to somebody new.  I wouldn't think of it as moving higher up the ladder - more like resetting back to the start of what your r/s would have been like - the idealisation stage.  Fear of abandonment is a massive part of the suffering for a pwBPD and being alone and feeling unable to cope by themselves can be unbearable.  So it is possible that someone else can be in the picture very quickly.  That isn't always the case though.  Does your question arise from suspicions about your ex in particular or is it more about understanding and laying things to rest?

I know it's awful to find yourself in a place emotionally and mentally that feels abnormal to you compared to the past and it can seem to be dragging you down.  Reaching a point where you're tired of it sounds like a positive as this is where motivation arises to move out of that place.  It isn't an overnight task and takes conscious effort, but perhaps this is a turning point showing itself.  What will help you to regain some more balance do you think?

Love and light x
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« Reply #54 on: October 11, 2017, 06:21:09 PM »

Thanks H Q; no my question is merely trying to understand the mind set of the B P D thinking process, if there is another in the picture, I have no idea, and quite frankly, it would be a burden of my mind to know she has moved on; and yes , I am tired of hearing myself complain and whine, I'm a grown man for peters sake, I should be ready for this type of thing, but I'm not , obviously, the more I learn about the disorder the more sense I can make of this , I find myself reading an article and saying, " good lord" that's her too a tee! The balance in my life will come from within, I'm not ready for another relationship, NO WAY, it wouldn't be fair to that person, I'm not WHOLE, I'm not where I need or want to be, I CANNOT rely on another person for my happiness, got to dig deep and find it within myself; easier said then done
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« Reply #55 on: October 11, 2017, 06:49:09 PM »

 Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)  I hear progress in these statements Teddy, even if you're feeling rubbish about these things right now.  Recognition and self awareness is a really positive thing and shows growth from the initial pain.  Yes it takes work and the result can be having the life you do want.  In some ways going through an experience like this is like life handing you a gift wrapped in barbed wire.  Once the cuts are healed there can be something wonderful to find on the inside.

It's good to hear that you're not wanting to head into a r/s until you feel in a better place for yourself.  That would not be doing yourself justice either, feeling as you do.  I'm 9 months out and would not want to get involved with anyone yet for the foreseeable future.  Not until I am ready and have done the work on myself to my own satisfaction.  If and when I then meet someone else, I will be able to state my truth, define and maintain my boundaries and be emotionally healthy.  This is a chance to shape your future life, so focus on what you DO want and aim for that. 

Love and light x     
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« Reply #56 on: October 13, 2017, 06:22:38 PM »

Thank you H Q, yes there is SOME progress, but it's hard earned! It's difficult peeling the layers off of oneself and trying to make some sense of what went on during these past three years of my life. I catch myself at times thinking of the way it used to be , good times of course, but when I sit back and REALLY analyze the complexity of the constant push and pull of our relationship , the reality strikes home and I talk to myself out loud and say " I cannot allow myself to be in that situation". My therapy has proven to me these feelings that have been lying dormant for so long, have resurfaced because of the intensity of my x 's idealization stage, it was something I was craving for YEARS, albeit short lived, and not genuine, it took me to a level I had never been before, and as the rug was pulled out from under me, I CRASHED , hard and alone! I still try to avoid seeing her out and about, but I feel I must get that first initial sighting behind me  so I can put it to rest. Still have lots of self work to do, thank you for listening
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« Reply #57 on: October 14, 2017, 10:31:57 PM »

Staff only

This thread has been locked due to reaching its post limit.  Please feel free to start a new topic to continue the discussion.
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