Divorce Advice - HELP

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hi,

This is my first post in this forum. Thanks for taking the time to read through my post and I really appreciate any kid of thoughts or advice.

I have been married for 10 years now. My life has been living hell for the past 10 years with my wife. A day didn't go by without a fight. I came to US in 2003. I got married in 2007 and brought my wife to US. First few months, everything went well, but after that things started going south. Initially I thought she is just bored and feeling alone and that's why she is so dependent on me and making frequent phone calls to my office. But later on, if I don't attend her frequent calls, things started getting worse. Huge fights happened in the evening, after I return from work. She always blamed me for her loneliness and boredom. I started introducing my friends and their families, so that she can start interacting with them, so that she will not be bored during the daytime. But she started fighting with every one of my friends and made me to stop talking with them. When I tried to say anything reasonable, she started saying I always support everybody else other than her and started abusing me.

I have relocated to 4 different states in the last 10 years, due to job. In every place she had a misunderstanding with my friends and made me stop talking to them. She even made me to stop talking to my sister, saying she is bad, jealous and has bad attitude. I know my sister very well, and she is nothing like what my wife described. But to have a peaceful life, I just budged to all my wife’s demands and did everything she asked me to do, to stop the never ending fights. I have 2 kids, and my elder daughter (7 years old) started noticing the fights and, I feel she is really getting scared.

After every fight, she will make me look I’m responsible for the whole thing and make me feel guilty. I have to shut up or exit or ask sorry to stop a fight, no matter whoever was responsible.

Four years ago I found some emails proving my wife having an extramarital affair with a guy and when I confronted, after lots of fight and crying she finally agreed to it. I tried to divorce her then, but she apologized for long time and cried and showed all tantrums (including suicide). I thought she was just bluffing and I was firm in getting the divorce. But she cut her wrists 3 times and I had to stop her. She asked me to give her one last chance and she will never repeat the mistake again, and if I don’t she will definitely suicide, even if it’s after the divorce. I felt bad for her, and thought anybody can make mistake and she did too. So I decided to forgive and forget the incident, to move on with our lives.
But the things were calm only for couple of months, the fights started again. But this time it was more raging. She will pull her own hair and hit her head on the wall like mentally ill person. If I try to stop her from hitting her head, she started hitting me and abusing me. She started breathing and fuming like a raging bull. She will slam the door and take the car keys and leave the house saying she will never return back (sometimes with the kids too). I felt driving with so much anger and rage was very dangerous and tried to make some sense, but the fights became big.

All these years, I didn’t know what was the problem. I just thought it is just her nature. Only recently I started researching and found about BPD. She has all the symptoms. Now, I feel stupid to not have done this research long time ago.

Couple of days ago, out of curiosity I went through her phone, without her knowledge. I found that she is still having extramarital relationships. This time I haven’t confronted her yet. I know how this will go, if I ask her. I want to get the divorce and get the custody of the kids. But I don’t know how to do it, without creating a big drama or making my kids watch all this.
Also, we both don’t have any family in this country. If I leave her, she will be alone in the house for few days, until her parents come. I feel it is too risky to leave her alone.
Should I take legal help before talking to her?
The more and more I read about how BPD people can manipulate others in court, makes me nervous.

I NEED HELP or suggestions to get out of this relationship.

[DeeplyHurt]

Hi,

This is my first post in this forum. Thanks for taking the time to read through my post and I really appreciate any kid of thoughts or advice.

I have been married for 10 years now. My life has been living hell for the past 10 years with my wife. A day didn't go by without a fight. I came to US in 2003. I got married in 2007 and brought my wife to US. First few months, everything went well, but after that things started going south. Initially I thought she is just bored and feeling alone and that's why she is so dependent on me and making frequent phone calls to my office. But later on, if I don't attend her frequent calls, things started getting worse. Huge fights happened in the evening, after I return from work. She always blamed me for her loneliness and boredom. I started introducing my friends and their families, so that she can start interacting with them, so that she will not be bored during the daytime. But she started fighting with every one of my friends and made me to stop talking with them. When I tried to say anything reasonable, she started saying I always support everybody else other than her and started abusing me.

I have relocated to 4 different states in the last 10 years, due to job. In every place she had a misunderstanding with my friends and made me stop talking to them. She even made me to stop talking to my sister, saying she is bad, jealous and has bad attitude. I know my sister very well, and she is nothing like what my wife described. But to have a peaceful life, I just budged to all my wife’s demands and did everything she asked me to do, to stop the never ending fights. I have 2 kids, and my elder daughter (7 years old) started noticing the fights and, I feel she is really getting scared.

After every fight, she will make me look I’m responsible for the whole thing and make me feel guilty. I have to shut up or exit or ask sorry to stop a fight, no matter whoever was responsible.

Four years ago I found some emails proving my wife having an extramarital affair with a guy and when I confronted, after lots of fight and crying she finally agreed to it. I tried to divorce her then, but she apologized for long time and cried and showed all tantrums (including suicide). I thought she was just bluffing and I was firm in getting the divorce. But she cut her wrists 3 times and I had to stop her. She asked me to give her one last chance and she will never repeat the mistake again, and if I don’t she will definitely suicide, even if it’s after the divorce. I felt bad for her, and thought anybody can make mistake and she did too. So I decided to forgive and forget the incident, to move on with our lives.
But the things were calm only for couple of months, the fights started again. But this time it was more raging. She will pull her own hair and hit her head on the wall like mentally ill person. If I try to stop her from hitting her head, she started hitting me and abusing me. She started breathing and fuming like a raging bull. She will slam the door and take the car keys and leave the house saying she will never return back (sometimes with the kids too). I felt driving with so much anger and rage was very dangerous and tried to make some sense, but the fights became big.

All these years, I didn’t know what was the problem. I just thought it is just her nature. Only recently I started researching and found about BPD. She has all the symptoms. Now, I feel stupid to not have done this research long time ago.

Couple of days ago, out of curiosity I went through her phone, without her knowledge. I found that she is still having extramarital relationships. This time I haven’t confronted her yet. I know how this will go, if I ask her. I want to get the divorce and get the custody of the kids. But I don’t know how to do it, without creating a big drama or making my kids watch all this.
Also, we both don’t have any family in this country. If I leave her, she will be alone in the house for few days, until her parents come. I feel it is too risky to leave her alone.
Should I take legal help before talking to her?
The more and more I read about how BPD people can manipulate others in court, makes me nervous.

I NEED HELP or suggestions to get out of this relationship.

[DeeplyHurt]

Hi,

This is my first post in this forum. Thanks for taking the time to read through my post and I really appreciate any kind of thoughts or advice.

I have been married for 10 years now. My life has been living hell for the past 10 years with my wife. A day didn't go by without a fight. I came to US in 2003. I got married in 2007 and brought my wife to US. First few months, everything went well, but after that things started going south. Initially I thought she is just bored and feeling alone and that's why she is so dependent on me and making frequent phone calls to my office. But later on, if I don't attend her frequent calls, things started getting worse. Huge fights happened in the evening, after I return from work. She always blamed me for her loneliness and boredom. I started introducing my friends and their families, so that she can start interacting with them, so that she will not be bored during the daytime. But she started fighting with every one of my friends and made me to stop talking with them. When I tried to say anything reasonable, she started saying I always support everybody else other than her and started abusing me.

I have relocated to 4 different states in the last 10 years, due to job. In every place she had a misunderstanding with my friends and made me stop talking to them. She even made me to stop talking to my sister, saying she is bad, jealous and has bad attitude. I know my sister very well, and she is nothing like what my wife described. But to have a peaceful life, I just budged to all my wife’s demands and did everything she asked me to do, to stop the never ending fights. I have 2 kids, and my elder daughter (7 years old) started noticing the fights and, I feel she is really getting scared.

After every fight, she will make me look I’m responsible for the whole thing and make me feel guilty. I have to shut up or exit or ask sorry to stop a fight, no matter whoever was responsible.

Four years ago I found some emails proving my wife having an extramarital affair with a guy and when I confronted, after lots of fight and crying she finally agreed to it. I tried to divorce her then, but she apologized for long time and cried and showed all tantrums (including suicide). I thought she was just bluffing and I was firm in getting the divorce. But she cut her wrists 3 times and I had to stop her. She asked me to give her one last chance and she will never repeat the mistake again, and if I don’t she will definitely suicide, even if it’s after the divorce. I felt bad for her, and thought anybody can make mistake and she did too. So I decided to forgive and forget the incident, to move on with our lives.
But the things were calm only for couple of months, the fights started again. But this time it was more raging. She will pull her own hair and hit her head on the wall like mentally ill person. If I try to stop her from hitting her head, she started hitting me and abusing me. She started breathing and fuming like a raging bull. She will slam the door and take the car keys and leave the house saying she will never return back (sometimes with the kids too). I felt driving with so much anger and rage was very dangerous and tried to make some sense, but the fights became big.

All these years, I didn’t know what was the problem. I just thought it is just her nature. Only recently I started researching and found about BPD. She has all the symptoms. Now, I feel stupid to not have done this research long time ago.

Couple of days ago, out of curiosity I went through her phone, without her knowledge. I found that she is still having extramarital relationships. This time I haven’t confronted her yet. I know how this will go, if I ask her. I want to get the divorce and get the custody of the kids. But I don’t know how to do it, without creating a big drama or making my kids watch all this.
Also, we both don’t have any family in this country. If I leave her, she will be alone in the house for few days, until her parents come. I feel it is too risky to leave her alone.
Should I take legal help before talking to her?
The more and more I read about how BPD people can manipulate others in court, makes me nervous.

I NEED HELP or suggestions to get out of this relationship.

[/quote]

[ForeverDad]

First, we empathize with your situation, it's so difficult to identify and deal with these mental health and behavioral issues.

You have two young children.  While children are wonderful blessings, having children in a dysfunctional and unhealthy marriage make ending a marriage much more complicated.  However, if you do it right with careful steps and practical strategies, you can walk out and still be a very involved father limiting the impact of her conflict and chaos on the children.

One common pattern we see in BPD tactics is isolation, isolating the spouse and children from other people.  It's a control tactic to keep you from having support that could counteract their need to dictate and control.

There is a risk that if she harms herself and you report it, she could claim "you made her do it" or even worse, you did it.  Has she ever threatened to blame you or make allegations against you if you got the police or emergency services involved?  (Often the abusive persons will claim that they are instead the victims.  It's a form of Blame Shifting, an attempt to make you look worse than the other person.)  If so, then you probably need to protect yourself.  I faced such threats and I recorded myself so I could prove I wasn't the one acting badly.

Fortunately she has a history of cutting, right?  That should weaken her credibility if she starts claiming you are the problem person.  But there are no guarantees, if she ever makes an allegation they will likely act first to "protect" her and then investigate later.

This family has three parts: you, her and the children.  Your inclination may be to help her first but with BPD often a person refuses help, even uses the children as weapons in a custody struggle.  So you'll need to understand that she is lower on the priority list, below you (since you need to be able to focus on the children) and below the children (who need you).

[DeeplyHurt]

Thanks for taking your time to respond to my post!

First, we empathize with your situation, it's so difficult to identify and deal with these mental health and behavioral issues.

You have two young children.  While children are wonderful blessings, having children in a dysfunctional and unhealthy marriage make ending a marriage much more complicated.  However, if you do it right with careful steps and practical strategies, you can walk out and still be a very involved father limiting the impact of her conflict and chaos on the children.

"Careful steps and practical strategies" is where i need help. No matter how much i think, i couldn't find a solution to get out with my kids without any issues. I don't want her to hurt herself too.

There is a risk that if she harms herself and you report it, she could claim "you made her do it" or even worse, you did it.  Has she ever threatened to blame you or make allegations against you if you got the police or emergency services involved?  (Often the abusive persons will claim that they are instead the victims.  It's a form of Blame Shifting, an attempt to make you look worse than the other person.)  If so, then you probably need to protect yourself.  I faced such threats and I recorded myself so I could prove I wasn't the one acting badly.

I currently have a green card. If she claims/complains that I'm the abusive parent, then i will lose my Green card and will be deported. She has never threatened me that she will cut herself and blame me for that. But that doesn't mean she will not do it. But she always blames me for all arguments and fights.


Yesterday i spoke to a Divorce Attorney. She asked me to file a court case and kick her out of the house and file a Divorce. But my concerns are,

1. We don't have any family here and she doesn't have any friends in US. Therefore, she wont have any place to go to.
2. This will push her to extreme and she might self harm herself. I dont want this to happen.

When i raised these concerns to the attorney, she is asking not to worry about her, instead worry about myself and the kids. But for some reason I'm not able to do that.

[flourdust]

Hi, DH!

What your attorney is telling you is something you might not yet be ready to internalize, but it's important -- if you are divorced, you are responsible for yourself and your kids; and your ex is an adult who is responsible for herself. She is going to have to make decisions on her own about where to live, what to do with her time, etc. You will have to step out of the role of rescuer and fixer. She's a grown woman and is responsible for herself, whether or not she wants to be.

[ForeverDad]

Yes, flowerdust is right, your priority is for the children and that means you have to be able to step forward as the stable parent.  You can't do that well, if at all, while you're putting your worries for her ahead of you.  Doing that would be sabotaging yourself and the children's futures.

The family law attorney (lawyer) is able to hear your story and make emotionally neutral observations and give practical advice.  The lawyer can and should be objective whereas you are still seeing things subjectively, emotionally influenced.  While you should not be cold or vindictive, you do need to focus on yourself and the children.  As already stated, your spouse is an adult and you're not responsible for whatever consequences she gets for her behaviors.

[flourdust]

flowerdust

 

[Sluggo]

Deeply Hurt

I allowed myself to be cut off from friends and family so I could keep peace.  Sounds very familiar.  When I finally (the first time) let my wife walk out the door in a rage and not run after her as she said she was going to kill herself... .it was very freeing for me.  It was sad, but I finally started to realize that she had to make her own decisions and have the consequences that go with them.  I did not have to been burdened with that responsibility and modify my behavior. 

Sluggo