If I let her in she will destroy my life. I know it. She disregulated again

[Freeatlast_1]

So I broke NC and emailed her.  I had a weak moment. I emailed her along the lines of you never love me or cared about me and that I was dealing with a fraud. She started calling my work the next day and I declined the call, she called it again so I picked it up and she went off.  She started calling me names and literally she threatens to destroy my life. She said that I will do everything in my power to destroy your life and take your license away from you. And then she keeps telling me that she proposed therapy and that I declined and so I'm the one that ended the relationship not her  and that I'm the one that turned my back on her. Then she says that she wants a three month no contact until Jan.  She is in a new relationship and a honeymoon phase and she basically painted me black at this point. She tried to use  issues that I have told her sometimes bring me insecurity. She started calling me old, I'm 37 she's 29. But I'm successful self employed, the she Started saying that anybody that's going to date me because of my money if it wasn't for my money I have nothing.  Basically she was hammering at every aspect that she could bring an insecurity tome. I'm shocked at this. I emailed her last night because I was having second thoughts and I read that  I should not be prideful, and tell her what I want rather than hold it in. I thought that her asking for therapy is decent, and maybe I can consider it. I thought her being a psychologist  we might have hope. I'm so confused right now, I don't know what to do. I'm not functioning at work and everything is lagging behind. I feel like I life is going down again. I emailed her that if she wants us she should leave this new person and we will go to individual therapy then later couples. What am I thinking? What am I doing to myself? She said I always get this way when I sabotage us. But I don't think I did! I don't think I sabotaged! She turned it on me. I got distant with her and gave her the silent treatment a lot because she was acting Psycho, I can't engage with that. I feel like crap. I told her I'm gonna block the emails and texts so I stay away she said No, just block the texts not the email and if I do block the email she will chase me to my company. What an embarrassment in front of my employees! What's happening to me!

[Harley Quinn]

Hi Freeatlast_1,

Do you want to reconcile?  Be honest with yourself.  If so, then it sounds to me like you were getting real and trying to stop the games.  Being open to her suggestion to go to therapy and hopeful of it's benefits sounds like you put your ego aside for a moment.  In that moment how did you feel?  Was it freeing?  Frightening?  Did you mean it?  What motivated you? 

Love and light x

[Freeatlast_1]

Hi Freeatlast_1,

Do you want to reconcile?  Be honest with yourself.  If so, then it sounds to me like you were getting real and trying to stop the games.  Being open to her suggestion to go to therapy and hopeful of it's benefits sounds like you put your ego aside for a moment.  In that moment how did you feel?  Was it freeing?  Frightening?  Did you mean it?  What motivated you? 

Love and light x

I want to reconcile but she doesn't. She sent me a series of emails now saying how our R/S is messing up her work and school and she needs peace and doesn't want to be with me. I know her so well. She is with someone fresh now and that's her state of mind. In a few weeks or less she will email me trying to tell me how much she misses me, how sorry she is etc. I am trying to avoid all this drama now because I know it will happen. If I don't reply to her she calls my work, if I don't reply she shows up. She has done it so many times now I am used to it. I do love this woman but a huge part of me feels there is no hope here. I have been dwelling over her so much that I have disconnected from family and friends. I hate that we broke up twice, and both times she went into another r/s and this is the second one around. I can't handle another one of these. She blames me for her not concentrating in class and work and if she looses her job she will blame it on me. So I told her I am going to leave and vanish, but I need her not to chase me. I honestly cannot afford the emotional avalanche when she shows up again. I refuse to want to see her. You see what I mean? Yes I put my ego aside and I want to get back with her but A. I can't get over the new R/S she started and honestly she isn't going to leave him at a limerence stage, that's what she feeds on.

[Harley Quinn]

Seems to me that you two still have your hooks firmly in one another.  If you truly are ready to let go and move on, then we can help you to do this on this board.  From where I'm sitting it looks like you're conflicted about this.  You could always post on Saving and see if something could be salvaged here.  If you're unsure, you're likely to keep treading water and sending mixed signals not only to her but to yourself, which can only make things harder for you both. 

Another option is to carry on going about your detaching as you see fit, whilst taking a good long look at the tools on Saving.  These tools are useful in all relationships so you have nothing to lose.  If you do end up continuing the cycle further down the line, perhaps you can take a new approach to how you guys inter relate.  You can choose to try to improve things and come at it differently or you can keep doing the same dance together.  You know what they say about always doing what you've always done... .If you don't recycle the r/s, you can still apply the tools in positive ways with others in your life and see results from this. 

Love and light x

[Freeatlast_1]

Seems to me that you two still have your hooks firmly in one another.  If you truly are ready to let go and move on, then we can help you to do this on this board.  From where I'm sitting it looks like you're conflicted about this.  You could always post on Saving and see if something could be salvaged here.  If you're unsure, you're likely to keep treading water and sending mixed signals not only to her but to yourself, which can only make things harder for you both. 

Another option is to carry on going about your detaching as you see fit, whilst taking a good long look at the tools on Saving.  These tools are useful in all relationships so you have nothing to lose.  If you do end up continuing the cycle further down the line, perhaps you can take a new approach to how you guys inter relate.  You can choose to try to improve things and come at it differently or you can keep doing the same dance together.  You know what they say about always doing what you've always done... .If you don't recycle the r/s, you can still apply the tools in positive ways with others in your life and see results from this. 

Love and light x

Harley, she is with someone else. She attacked me on the phone today as she disregulated. She cursed and yelled etc. She painted me back. I don't think we have our hooks in one another and I dont think I belong on the saving board. She is enjoying someone else, does not want us. I need to move on

[Harley Quinn]

That sounds more clear to me.  So what happens next for you?  I'm a little confused by the blocking texts, not blocking emails part.  When you say you'll block to stay away from her, how does this work?  Could you NOT block anything, but not engage/contact her if this is going to help you to detach, by putting that boundary on yourself?  Have you been clear with her that you mean to move on now?

I wonder if this article might be helpful.  I found it really useful when I was LC towards being clear in my own mind about my reasons to go NC and how to approach it.

No Contact: The Right Way and The Wrong Way

Love and light x

[Freeatlast_1]

That sounds more clear to me.  So what happens next for you?  I'm a little confused by the blocking texts, not blocking emails part.  When you say you'll block to stay away from her, how does this work?  Could you NOT block anything, but not engage/contact her if this is going to help you to detach, by putting that boundary on yourself?  Have you been clear with her that you mean to move on now?

I wonder if this article might be helpful.  I found it really useful when I was LC towards being clear in my own mind about my reasons to go NC and how to approach it.

No Contact: The Right Way and The Wrong Way

Love and light x

At this time I am not good with LC. We are very toxic. I miss her and I can't simply talk to her like a friend through LC, and we know there won't be emergencies when we NEED to communicate. We have no kids... .no business partnership... .I want to make it easier on me. I notice after 4 days of NC I start living my life... .when she texts and blames I am always on my toes. Also even if the contact is minimal... .I tend to miss her... .I don't want her in my radar at all. I will hope and pray that as the time passes I won't miss her or think of her at all. I tried LC for a while, she ends up calling and saying she misses me. I emotionally block it but I have a heart... .who am I lying to? I loved this woman with all my heart and when she tells me she misses me, I soften up. Her last 5 emails (TODAY) say she wants me away... .I emailed her back saying I shall stay away, mind you all I said was we can go to therapy if you want. So now I blocked her email. Now she is blocked on everything. I hope she doesnt call my work, come by, etc. She is so selfish... .when things calm down in her, she misses me and would seek me out no matter what I'm doing. But having someone in her life now... .I can't look at her again.

[Harley Quinn]

When you split up previously, how long was this for?  It could be useful to gauge her (and your) reactions to things based on that timeframe at the moment so that you can be realistic about what to expect to happen.  Were you NC or still in contact?

The emails today sound like she is in push mode, likely following your attempt to reach out to her.  If you go NC now, there is probably the pull to come just going off what you've described previously.  So it is important to prepare for that and look at what you can do differently to last time.  How did you feel during that split?  Was it something like you do now or are you in a different place this time around do you think?

Something I found was that my ex would go quiet and seem accepting for a couple of weeks or so and then I'd get the desperate attempts to make contact.  I'd allow these to blow over but when the pattern repeated a couple of times I decided to send a 'final message' for clarity that I wanted him to no longer contact me.  I wished him well and was clear and impersonal.  It worked and if I were to go back I'd have done that sooner for both our sakes.  Just something to maybe think about if you're set on NC and want peace now.

Love and light x

[Freeatlast_1]

When you split up previously, how long was this for?  It could be useful to gauge her (and your) reactions to things based on that timeframe at the moment so that you can be realistic about what to expect to happen.  Were you NC or still in contact?

The emails today sound like she is in push mode, likely following your attempt to reach out to her.  If you go NC now, there is probably the pull to come just going off what you've described previously.  So it is important to prepare for that and look at what you can do differently to last time.  How did you feel during that split?  Was it something like you do now or are you in a different place this time around do you think?

Something I found was that my ex would go quiet and seem accepting for a couple of weeks or so and then I'd get the desperate attempts to make contact.  I'd allow these to blow over but when the pattern repeated a couple of times I decided to send a 'final message' for clarity that I wanted him to no longer contact me.  I wished him well and was clear and impersonal.  It worked and if I were to go back I'd have done that sooner for both our sakes.  Just something to maybe think about if you're set on NC and want peace now.

Love and light x

Our first R/S started 2/2016-ended 9/2016. I started dating casually, she started a R/S that lasted from 10/2016-3/2017 when we got back together.
The first break up we went LC, we couldn't go NC, we were so attached, both of us. So her BF asked her to block her ex cuz he felt how attached she is and that she isn't totally over me. She did. So every month or so she calls me to tell me how much she misses me, loves me, wants kids with me etc... .then she says "I have to block you now cuz I dont want drama, he asked me to block you"... .and I sat there broken hearted and in awe how can she do this. So every month until March... .same thing... .she calls and tells me how much she misses me. Comes March... .I was out of my dating life and started self work, I was ready for self reflection, getting my power back, self love etc... .and ONE WEEK AFTER that she calls me crying, begging, pleading, apologizing, wanting to do therapy, taking accountability, saying she is ill and wants me to be there as she gets help as a sign if I ever loved her... .etc... .she is so slick with words. So guess what I did... .yep... .took her back. Same Cycle repeated. from 3/2017-NOW. She is in a new R/S and I am doing some casual dating but now I am doing humanitarian things, hurricane fundraisers, gym, praying, and I am trying to go through self love much earlier this time. Am I crazy to think there is hope in this woman because she is a psychologist? I mean for someone dedicated to therapy wouldn't they get better with age? My therapist says... ." you can wait 5-10 years for her to improve while she screws everyone in town... .as you wait... .if you want " That gave me a little laugh. I guess I shouldn't wait. EVERYONE is telling me she won't get better soon, even with therapy. Everyone is telling me she will mess up the other r/s too... .and she will come to me. A part of me wants to move on to a new healthy committed LONG TERM R/s when I can just relax! Another part of me wants to take this woman to therapy and fix her and me and us and make the best out of it because I truly love her. So now, option b is not an option as she screws the rebound.

[SuperJew82]

wait... .She is a therapist?

[SuperJew82]

Your therapist has a good point and it's something I told myself quite a few times. Just because my exDBPDgf went to a handful of sessions does not mean things will instantly get better. It's not antibiotics - it's therapy.

It can take years for them to grasp the concepts and start applying them in their lives.

I don't know about you, but I can't wait that long. I hope that my ex sticks with therapy so that 5 years later when she is 35 she has a chance to make something work - with someone else.

I just couldn't do it.

[SuperJew82]

The urge to help and fix is soo strong. It takes so much for me to stop that self-destructive tendency.

I know exactly what you are going through, my friend.

[Freeatlast_1]

The urge to help and fix is soo strong. It takes so much for me to stop that self-destructive tendency.

I know exactly what you are going through, my friend.

Yes, she is going to be a therapist in Dec. ie she is getting her masters now. So far her patients love her. She is great and VERY validating with them.

When it comes to us though, all else comes into play. Lies, distortions, splitting or black and white thinking, manipulation, blame, complains, and more. Her friends don't see it. Her family does though, and they agree with me, which she hates. She hates how her family back me up, she feels everyone is against her. Maybe subconsciously now that I am out of her life she feels her family will support her more? as if I was a competition in a way? Kind of strange but who knows what a 3 year old brain can think.

The sad part is what is wrong with me to want someone like that! it's MY issue right now and I am shocked, disappointed honestly, and in my diary sometimes livid at myself. Why do I think of her smile and her eyes so much... .she's so attractive to me. Even when I am dating I want to find people who resemble her. She is so broken though, and it comes through her eyes. She's in pain a lot, and that comes through too.

Anyways, I miss her a lot. She's with someone else having a honeymoon and I can't get myself to do the same. I am focusing on myself but a part of me wants her back KNOWING it's gonna kill me one day... .so dysfunctional. Sometimes I even judge myself for this crazy thought process that makes no sense at all. Maybe I don't want to loose? maybe I have an ego that doesn't want to loose? Maybe I have issues with letting go in general? I am trying to figure out why I want this woman in particular, this crazy person that might mess up my whole life, my business one day. Maybe a part of me feels she will change? maybe grow through therapy?

I don't know... .But I am living a moment at a time and they aren't good moments.

[FallenOne]

Ask yourself why you want to reconcile with someone who is threatening to "destroy your life" if you don't do what they want... .

[Freeatlast_1]

Ask yourself why you want to reconcile with someone who is threatening to "destroy your life" if you don't do what they want... .

The context was, she will destroy my life if I keep stressing her out as she cannot focus on work and school because of us and she said if she looses her job it's my fault and she will then do whatever it takes to mess up my life.

[Skip]

So I broke NC and emailed her.  I had a weak moment. I emailed her along the lines of you never love me or cared about me and that I was dealing with a fraud. She started calling my work the next day and I declined the call, she called it again so I picked it up and she went off.  She started calling me names and literally she threatens to destroy my life. She said that I will do everything in my power to destroy your life and take your license away from you. And then she keeps telling me that she proposed therapy and that I declined and so I'm the one that ended the relationship not her  and that I'm the one that turned my back on her.

I think you have to own this, man. That is just trash talk.

If you want to rehabilitate the relationship, move to Saving and work it. Crises is about ending it and walking away. If you take conversations fro here and shift them to your partner, you will here a giant crashing sound.

Have you had a med eval?  You seem flooded with anxiety. I have struggled with that at times, myself.

As you have said before, you want her more when she walks away. That is hard on a relationship.

Hang in there. This is hard stuff.

[FallenOne]

The context was, she will destroy my life if I keep stressing her out as she cannot focus on work and school because of us and she said if she looses her job it's my fault and she will then do whatever it takes to mess up my life.

Well, either way, it doesn't sound like that's someone you would want to sleep next to at night.

[SuperJew82]

You might want to consider making an appointment with your doctor about discussing some short-term anxiety medications. I do not believe it is a long-term therapy, but maybe it could be a band-aid to help you get back on your feet.

Often people go into the psychological field because they have a personal interest in the subject due to their own issues. I have often heard that the mental health field is full of personality disorders, even sociopaths. There is no way to really validate this, but it kind of makes sense to me.

I actually went on a couple of dates with a full-blown Psychologist (marriage counselor, in fact). I met her on Match. She had some serious issues. She was nice but the conversation was really intense and draining.

I think you are getting pulled into her childish game. I've been there. I look back at texting history now and I give myself a good facepalm as I think " I entertained this conversation? " So yea, I've done the same thing you have done.

I would be so deep into the toxic relationship that my head wasn't on straight. I couldn't even see how I was stooping down to that level.

I can tell you that once you start stepping back and collecting yourself, it will get better... .that much is certain. I strongly encourage NO CONTACT at this point. It's hard but you can do this.

[FallenOne]

We all hope that they will be "fixed" eventually. If not by us, then by some form of therapy or some doctor...

Yes, some BPD's can improve with a lot of time and effort, but it doesn't go away. It never goes away.

This whole idea of "making it work" and fixing things and "maybe someday we can give it a shot again when they are better" is just not going to happen... The likelihood of that is a very large fraction... .

What we want and what reality is are two different things.  The reality is that these people will never truly change for the rest of their lives. They can't just stop being what and who they are.

[Freeatlast_1]

We all hope that they will be "fixed" eventually. If not by us, then by some form of therapy or some doctor...

Yes, some BPD's can improve with a lot of time and effort, but it doesn't go away. It never goes away.

This whole idea of "making it work" and fixing things and "maybe someday we can give it a shot again when they are better" is just not going to happen... The likelihood of that is a very large fraction... .

What we want and what reality is are two different things.  The reality is that these people will never truly change for the rest of their lives. They can't just stop being what and who they are.

Honestly, I am on anxiety medication as needed. I take it once every 4-5 days when I am in a crisis. But I don't want to start an around the clock antidepressant because I am not in depression. I am in an "acute stress episode" which I would to manage with holistic approaches for now. If I fall into a depression, I don't mind starting an anti-depressant.

About the email "you never loved me... ." I was in an anxious state and nothing could get me to resist reaching out that night. I am a little calmer now.

The fact she moved on to a rebound RIGHT AWAY robs me of any change of reconciliation even if I wanted it. I don't want to be that ex that is asking for her back. I know it's not a matter of an ego, but I don't want to give her that power knowing her push pull personality. Even if she misses me she will decline knowing she has me at a weak spot and will abuse it. So I won't reach out even if I want to be with her. I don't know where she is right now with the new prospect and how their situation is. I don't want to know. So some of you might think it's a game when I want to be with her and perusing her. I did tell her the last time we emailed that I will be willing to go to therapy, but she has painted me black. She is totally not responsive and I don't want to chase.

Also, how can I go to the "saving board... ." if my r/s ended and I am in a crisis. There is nothing to save. Her doors are closed shut, we are in NC day #2 now.

[Skip]

Also, how can I go to the "saving board... ." if my r/s ended and I am in a crisis. There is nothing to save. Her doors are closed shut, we are in NC day #2 now.

The number one lesson on Saving is:

Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse.

That email exchange didn't help matters. Remember, you are the one who pulled away to begin with - telling her she is a fraud is not helpful.

I broke up with my ex last October and we dated others, got back together and now split again.

You guys have been down this path before. At times like this, if you want to reconnect, you have to play long game.

Freeatlast_1, you have huge abandonment anxieties... .what are you doing to tame that edge?

[Freeatlast_1]

You guys have been down this path before. At times like this, if you want to reconnect, you have to play long game.

Freeatlast_1, you have huge abandonment anxieties... .what are you doing to tame that edge?

Skip, what does playing long game entail.

Yes, I do have abandonment issues. It stems from childhood and I've been trying to heal it through reading self help books and focusing back on myself and giving myself the acknowledgement I need. I had lost my dad at a young age and mom was great but she was always so busy with everything else. She did the best she could. Now I gotta fix that myself. My ex had even worse abandonment issues and her childhood was a million times worse, with all the things you can imagine happening to a child... .so when we got together, both our issues played a roll with the push pull. My abandonment was always triggered with her since she wasn't someone for me to rely on or trust. I tried therapy, payed around 5k to find out it all has to do with me focusing on myself and inner child and nurturing it. Therapists aren't very familiar with abandonment trauma but the books I read helped a lot.

So yes, I want to reconnect. I an NC now and I want to remain that way for a few months honestly. I want to allow everything to calm down because we faught a lot. Also she is with someone now and I don't want to get near that.

[LoveLostHeart]

Any progress today? How are you coping?

[Freeatlast_1]

Any progress today? How are you coping?

Love

I am still NC. Now day 4. Blocked emails and texts and FB.
I feel better, I've been having to work more than usual this week because my assistant got sick so overworking is making me a zombie and I don't have the energy to focus on her. I have been reading a lot online about BPDs and reflecting. I am sad, I honestly still have hope. I met this really cool girl online and I have not went out. She is a surgery resident, in my field. So maybe I'll go on a date soon... .who knows. I have been in such a bla mode, waking up 3 times at night to read about BPD, taking anti-anxiety meds when needed and just out of it. It's sinking in that she is with someone else. My therapist tells me it wont be better with him, she was very disregulated last time I spoke to her. But I don't want to base my happiness on her R/S failing. I honestly miss her and that's the biggest hurdle I am dealing with now. I am enjoying time by myself and I don't have an issue with solitude at all. I am working out as well. Life is good otherwise, but I just want to hold her. Too bad.