Need help interpreting this one

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

Brief summary of my story---my ex-pwBPDgf and I were involved with each other for about 18 mos (this was the result of an affair as we were both married at the time---certainly not my finest hour and I've been in therapy since).  We separated about two years ago and she connected with a replacement shortly thereafter.  She then proceeded to file for divorce from her husband while subsequently transitioning to a second replacement. Finally, she unsuccessfully tried to reconcile with her husband about a year ago.  We know each other as our daughters are best friends.

During the reconciliation phase with her then estranged husband she inexplicably confessed our relationship to him.  In doing so she not only eliminated any hope of reconciliation but didn't inform me so I was blindsided when he intentionally avoided me the last time I saw him a year ago at a social event (I don't blame him whatsoever but had I known I never wouldn't have attended in order to save him any more emotional pain).

Fast forward to an event this past weekend.  Knowing that it was likely that he would be attending, I texted my ex-BPDgf and mentioned that for all obvious reasons I would have no problem skipping the event if her ex-husband was planning to attend.  She didn't respond so I figured that he wouldn't be there.

We arrive at the event (it was for our daughters) and both my ex-pwBPDgf and her ex-husband are there.  Now I've read enough about BPD to fully understand the vagaries of the disorder but was still nonetheless completely dumbfounded.  Why would she put her ex through another round of unnecessary suffering?  Perhaps she blames him for an unsuccessful marital reconciliation but that was self-inflicted (by her own confession of our affair).  And moreover why would she want to see me?  We haven't communicated on any level in over six months so it's pretty clear that we've each moved on.  Or is it simply that since she is unhappy she wants as many as possible to be unhappy as well?

Perhaps her behavior simply comes down to one of the hallmarks of BPD---they are "consistently inconsistent".  It's frustrating in that I've tried to fully detach over the past year but unfortunately one event like this can reverse months of progress.  Any thoughts?

[BPD Dilemna]

Brief summary of my story---my ex-pwBPDgf and I were involved with each other for about 18 mos (this was the result of an affair as we were both married at the time---certainly not my finest hour and I've been in therapy since).  We separated about two years ago and she connected with a replacement shortly thereafter.  She then proceeded to file for divorce from her husband while subsequently transitioning to a second replacement. Finally, she unsuccessfully tried to reconcile with her husband about a year ago.  We know each other as our daughters are best friends.

During the reconciliation phase with her then estranged husband she inexplicably confessed our relationship to him.  In doing so she not only eliminated any hope of reconciliation but didn't inform me so I was blindsided when he intentionally avoided me the last time I saw him a year ago at a social event (I don't blame him whatsoever but had I known I never wouldn't have attended in order to save him any more emotional pain).

Fast forward to an event this past weekend.  Knowing that it was likely that he would be attending, I texted my ex-BPDgf and mentioned that for all obvious reasons I would have no problem skipping the event if her ex-husband was planning to attend.  She didn't respond so I figured that he wouldn't be there.

We arrive at the event (it was for our daughters) and both my ex-pwBPDgf and her ex-husband are there.  Now I've read enough about BPD to fully understand the vagaries of the disorder but was still nonetheless completely dumbfounded.  Why would she put her ex through another round of unnecessary suffering?  Perhaps she blames him for an unsuccessful marital reconciliation but that was self-inflicted (by her own confession of our affair).  And moreover why would she want to see me?  We haven't communicated on any level in over six months so it's pretty clear that we've each moved on.  Or is it simply that since she is unhappy she wants as many as possible to be unhappy as well?

Perhaps her behavior simply comes down to one of the hallmarks of BPD---they are "consistently inconsistent".  It's frustrating in that I've tried to fully detach over the past year but unfortunately one event like this can reverse months of progress.  Any thoughts?

[Lucky Jim]

Hey BPD Dilemma, I'm confused.  Who is the "we" in your story?  Your current GF or someone else?  So you went to a social event and ran into your BPDx and the BPDx's former husband?  I'm unsure.  What happened that caused it to be a setback for you?  Fill us in, when you can.

LuckyJim

[Skip]

We arrive at the event (it was for our daughters) and both my ex-pwBPDgf and her ex-husband are there. 

Are you sure she still uses that phone number and you are not blocked?

[BPD Dilemna]

Skip and LJ,

It's a rather convoluted story that probably requires some clarification:

Skip---since our daughters (my ex-pwBPDgf's daughter and my daughter) are best friends I know that she still has the same mobile number.  Additionally, due to their close relationship we opted not to block each other in the event some unforeseen emergency arose that could impact one or both of our kids.

LJ---the "we" would be my daughter and I (the event was homecoming photos).  My ex-pwBPDgf and her ex-husband both attended with their daughter.  Since her ex-husband is aware that we had an affair (my ex-pwBPDgf confessed while trying to reconcile with him), I had contacted my ex-pwBPDgf prior to the event and offered not to attend if her ex-husband was planning to attend.  Let's face it---the last person this guy wants to see is me and I wanted him to enjoy the event with his daughter.  She never responded.

The bottom line---why would she subject her ex-husband to additional emotional pain when this clearly could have been avoided?  And why subject herself to the additional emotional pain of my presence when this clearly could have been avoided as well?   She could have simply texted back "Please don't attend" and all parties involved (including myself) would have enjoyed a much more pleasurable evening.


The setback---after gradually detaching over the past couple of years I was surprised at how a 45 minute event could reverse months of progress as she has remained on my mind since the weekend (hence, my post).  Feels like the Eagles frigging Hotel California.

Thanks for reading and responding.

[Skip]

How did the affair end? How long was it?

[BPD Dilemna]

Skip,

General timeline (we agreed to part ways in June '15):

Initial affair---Oct '13-Sept '14 (she disappears)

Recycle (beginning-end)---Nov '14-June '15

Her 1st replacement---July '15-Nov '15

She files for divorce---Aug '15

Her 2nd replacement---Nov '15-Feb '16

Reconciliation attempt with estranged husband/confession of our affair to him---May '16

I'm made aware that her estranged husband knows about our affair---Oct '16

Contact with her concerning her confession/his awareness---Oct'16-Dec '16 (she was vehemently opposed to any attempt on my part to contact him)

Contact with her querying about her ex-husband's attendance at this past weekend's event---Sept '17


She is HF and can be very logical and clinical when not dysregulating (she was an accomplished attorney prior to leaving the workforce).  I pretty much understand the basics behavior traits and mannerisms of the disorder but am nonetheless bewildered and perplexed by this past weekend.

[Skip]

My only guess would be that there are a number of men that she has been with, so the issue is diluted over time and across people... .

I suspect that they are both over what happened.

[BPD Dilemna]

Skip,

Agreed.  Since I've been removed from the situation for almost a year the weekend encounter resulted in a mini PTSD type reaction for me whereas it probably didn't represent much more than a shoulder shrug for them.

It appears as they've both moved on and are probably more focused on their kids and family post-divorce.  Probably a good end result for all.

Skip, thanks again for all of your guidance and counsel.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey BPD Dilemma, Maybe next time you could take a more proactive approach by determining who is going in advance and, if it's going to be uncomfortable for you, politely declining.  In this case, you left the ball in your Ex's court to get back to you, which was something out of your control.  Suggest you put your energy where your power is.

LJ

[BPD Dilemna]

LJ,

Indeed.  Her maintaining control could have played a part in her lack of response as well.  I could have (and should have) asked my daughter if both of her friend's parents were planning to attend and made my decision based on her response.

Thankfully there is only one more event (high school graduation May '18) where I'll mandatorily encounter my ex and her ex so closure is close at hand.

Thanks for you input, LJ!