Hopeless situation and no idea what to do anymore...

[CC5578]

This is my first time on this site. I just really don't know what to do anymore about my marriage and it's an awful feeling. My BPD husband does the same thing over and over. Same conversations over and over. I can't do anything right. I run in circles trying to make sure things are to his liking but it's never good enough. He's mean. I'm sad and lonely. I don't know who he is anymore. We have no physical relationship anymore. One minute he's berating me the next he is acting like nothing happened. Says he just feels different moment to moment. Has no empathy. If I try to talk about problems, my feelings, or needs he just minimizes it and says it's all about me when he is actually the epicenter of our relationship and my life. I just don't know what happened to him. And I've run out of energy to deal with it. I'm tired.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Mutt]

Hi CC5578,  



I’d like welcome you to the family  I’m sorry that you’re going through a difficult time. I completely understand how hopeless and depression it feels when we’re stuck on in a loop and things are not changing in the r/s. There is hope. Tout not alone.

What are the main issues that are going around in circles?

[CC5578]

Thank you. He goes through the same cycles, hates me and complains about everything, "we just don't have anything in common anymore, we're not the same people" is how it starts then leads to "I'm done draw up the divorce papers", then eventually he will snap out of it and apologize.

Has gone through therapists and is not in therapy now by the way. He also will not be taking his meds frequently coinciding with his cycles. Last few times at the end before he snapped out of it I was just so distraught that I would be sobbing and asking him how he could treat me like this (ie mean, disrespectful etc) and he will look at me with a cold stare then walk away. And suddenly he will be acting normal like nothing happened, as if I'm supposed to just keep forgetting and letting it go. If I talk about my feelings, him being mean and verbally abusive (which he's admitted before), my needs, etc then he will just reply with random and ridiculous statements or complaints, even when I point out he isn't talking about what I am he will continue or just end the conversation.

Lately he says things like I put the dogs water bowl in a place ok the floor on purpose so he has to step in the drippings and that I don't care and he isn't going to live like that (?), that I purposely do things because I don't care about how he feels, even forgetting to turn a light off, says I don't care and purposely do it because he pays that bill and I don't care or appreciate how hard he works. He will say just do XYZ and things will be fine, which I do, but then later on ABC is added, so I add it, and so on. He's never happy and complains about everything, it's all a slight against him, it's illogical and bizarre.

One of the XYZ things is his laundry being clean all the time and put away, if I slip he flips, one time I didn't realize the shirts didn't dry fully and smelled weird, he flipped. One time said it was bc of clutter on the counter. I'm tired. Running in circles worrying about every little thing so he is content. But if I bring up that he doesn't have a physical relationship with me (my needs) he will frequently get mad saying I'm making him feel like s*it and go find someone else then. That part of our relationship was without a problem until the last year (approaching one year of marriage, lived together before getting married though).

He also will say my life is animals and he hates it, doesn't know who I am, etc. but when we met I had my two dogs (13 y/o now), 2 cats, and 3 foster dogs so he knew from the beginning I loved animals. I even gave my cats to my mom when I moved in and stopped fostering dogs. I miss my cats but thankfully I see hem and they have lots of love/attention but he doesn't even care what sacrifices I make. And then when we moved to the country and I got chickens he acts like its crazy and I suddenly turned into an animal lover and he can't stand it, and it's "all I care about". He convinced me to move here and left one of the barn stalls for me to make into a coop though. It's on and on, this is just the icing on the cake sigh.

Another example, I help take care of my friends aunt, long story but at first I had to go over there multiple times a week for a while, now just once a week. He was awful to me about it, saying he wished I would put as much time into doing things for him as I did for her, making mean comments, giving me such a hard time that I would have to say I was doing something else so that I didn't get yelled at and stressed out. Also-when I am stressed out instead of helping me as I ask he will calmly instigate until I yell at him to stop, then say "see you need help you're crazy". I will say please stop please just leave me alone, he'll keep going and going. It's all literally insanity... .

[Tattered Heart]

Hi CC578,

Welcome ,

I"m sorry that you are going through such a difficult time. It sounds like you have been walking on egg shells for quite awhile. I understand what it's like to think you've finally lived up to the standards of your pwBPD just to have the standard move. It's not about you. It's about him and his often unrealistic expectations. There is nothing you can do to please him because whatever he is going through is not about you. It's about him.

Are you ready to stop jumping through hoops for him?

When your H begins to criticize you, how do you respond? I know for myself I use to begin trying to explain why I did something or I would apologize for it. But why? I didn't do anything wrong. I don't need to explain myself. Plus that just made him angrier. We have a phrase around here " Don't JADE ". This stands for Don't Justify, Argue, Defend, or Explain yourself when your pwBPD starts throwing accusation at you. YOu know your truth. Deep down he knows the truth. So why try to convince him of something he doesn't really want to be convinced about? Instead of immediately trying to defend yourself, try to validate what he is feeling instead.

People with BPD often feel out of control, scared of being abandoned, or rejected. When he begins to get frustrated, try to see how he might feel one of those ways in that scenario, then address that instead of whatever he is complaining about.

FOr instance in your scenario with the dog's water bowl: He complains that it's in the wrong spot because water dribbles on the floor. Things you might be able to validate are 1) his fear of slipping 2) the floor being ruined . So instead of saying, "I'm sorry. I'll move it." you could say something like, "I never thought of it that way. Slipping on a wet floor would startle me too." or "I never thought of it that way. Replacing the floor would be quite a big expense."

Can you work through another scenario here and share some things you could say to validate his feelings without JADEing?

[CC5578]

Ok. That makes sense. I just don't know how to get back to that place where I can even do something like that because I've been treated badly for so long. It's caused me to be angry, bitter, resentful, hurt, etc. I'll have to figure out a way to get there.

 So the water bowl-he said that he doesn't like where it was (first I knew of this) bc he steps in water and that I leave it there because I don't care if it bothers him and that I do things on purpose to bother him because I only care about animals and do what I think is fine. So what do I validate with that? It just seems so stupid that I have to constantly have these kind of conversations with him. I'm so sick of all these petty arguments, complaints, and accusations. I just want some kind of normal. I'm so tired of having to mind everything I say and do. I don't get any rest from it, it's my work life and my personal life. I don't have anything left to give.

So when he's mean he says that it's my fault, I make/cause him to behave that way. Other day he said I should just leave because he needs nothing from me. We are currently only interacting on an as needed basis and I'm sleeping in the spare bedroom. Yesterday I said I needed to sleep in our bed because my back is hurting. He said no, no way you're sleeping in here I'll get you a new bed. It's to the point when he's putting me down/being mean/insulting me  where I just tell him I hate him, can't stand him, wish I never got into this situation. It's not good. And that's how I feel. I'm trapped. I moved in with him a couple years ago at his request after we'd been together a couple months, moved and got a new job (hour away from where I was living but it's back where I grew up), and rented my house out. Then He convinced me to sell my house (and he sold his) to buy the house we live in now. We overpaid for it but he was not taking no for an answer, I told him what I could afford, he said don't worry no problem I will pay more of the mortgage and the bills it's fine no big deal, the inside needed a lot of updating so he said no problem I'll remodel it. Fast forward... .he uses all of it against me, puts me down about it, even though he convinced me to get into this situation. He also makes way more money than I do. But when he's mad he reminds me of what he pays for and of the work he's done on the house. And says I don't care, don't appreciate. I can't do enough to make him feel appreciated, I used to try so hard. Now obviously it's minimal interactions b/t us  and anything more than minimal is a fight. He also lied to me, went behind my back with house. Long story short he borrowed (and had time to get it  paid back before I found out)  10k  from his cousin and gave it directly to the seller cash in hand. Nothing written up, nothing signed. Dumbest thing anyone could do. The seller ended up suddenly dying and he had to use a recording from his phone that he secretly took of the transaction to prove to the attorneys and the sellers  wife that he gave him that money. I have very little trust for him... .so how do I validate his feelings when there's been so much damage? When  I just want to tell him to shut up and stop complaining about stupid things and making false allegations because I have a lot bigger things to worry about than him stepping in a drop  of water or me forgetting to turn a light off... .?

[Tattered Heart]

Ok. That makes sense. I just don't know how to get back to that place where I can even do something like that because I've been treated badly for so long. It's caused me to be angry, bitter, resentful, hurt, etc. I'll have to figure out a way to get there.

.so how do I validate his feelings when there's been so much damage? When  I just want to tell him to shut up and stop complaining about stupid things and making false allegations because I have a lot bigger things to worry about than him stepping in a drop  of water or me forgetting to turn a light off... .?

Forgiveness is a choice. YOu can choose to hold on to bitterness and resentment. YOu can choose to continue being angry. You'll get no where with this except further and further into depression and desperation. You can choose to forgive him for the things he has done, starting over with today. Forgiveness does not mean that everything has to be forgotten or that it even needs to go back to the way it was, but it is instead choosing to not let your own bitterness control you. By remaining bitter and unforgiving towards him, you are giving him power over your emotions. This workshop might help:
  Is Resentment Blocking Your Healing?

Secondly, for me I've come to realize that my H has a mental illness. No matter how much he wants to control the emotions going on inside of him, he can't until he chooses to get his own help. I can only change myself and my behavior or attitude towards him. I wouldn't get angry at my H for having cancer, so I won't hate him because he has mental illness. This isn't something that he can just get over.

Thirdly, to validate him, you have to learn how to see things from his perspective. Did you read the workshop on validation that I posted earlier? What did you think of it?

Have you ever gotten frustrated when something was in your way and you tripped over it? Validate that feeling. Have you ever felt like someone wasn't listening to you even though you've told them about something several times before? Validate that.

Look for the emotion behind the anger. You can validate even when angry. Start with just 1 thing. Next time he starts to blame or attack, take a deep breath and look at what he trying to tell you (not the actual words he is saying, but what he is trying to say without saying it). It's not about the dog's water. It's about the frustration of tripping.

When he begins to talk about all the things he has done for you, validate with appreciation. Thank him before he has to ask for it.

Also, have you looked into getting therapy for yourself? T could really help you begin to build back some of your self esteem and learn ways to speak up for yourself.

[CC5578]

Sorry for the delay. I suddenly lost one of my pets a few days ago. I am going to read what you posted because I am definitely filled with resentment. Unfortunately I have not found a therapist around here that can help. I'm actually an LMHC myself so I really need a good therapist who is skilled on this topic. I've tried two who utilize very basic counseling skills and have no clue what I'm going through. This is not my area of speciality either so no fault to them but it's frustrating to another level being in the field and then coming home to this and stuck in the middle of this mess. Plus the therapist guilt of feeling embarrassed, ashamed, and that I should be able to handle it. I can't get a minute to breathe lately life has been so hectic and stressful. He makes it even worse so I am really struggling. I comply to all his requests without a word. When I need his help with something it's a stressful process. He did something for me, I didn't jump up and down thanking him, so he switched to his mean persona, and when I asked if he would be finishing it bc the way he left it is a problem, he basically told me to F off and go hire someone. He is always calm in the face of these situations and does this when I'm on the edge. So when I'm at the point where I can't take one more thing and need support he pounces. It's like he enjoys it, seeing me helpless and angry. He will put me in a situation where I can't do anything bc he is the only one that can fix it (unless I hire someone which I'm just going to need to do) then watch me implode as he says nope there's another mess for you bye.

[Tattered Heart]

So sorry for the loss of your furbaby. That's so sad and hard to lose a beloved pet.

My H often leaves me with unfinished jobs that only he can fix too. I've started the process of not nagging him about it, but setting a timeframe for it to be done. I will start by asking how long he thinks it will take to fix. I give him about a week after his given timeframe. I then acknowledge the work he has done of hte project and ask if he could try to get it done by X day. If on that day, it isn't done, then I tell him I'm just going to hire someone to fix it.

We had a house fall into complete disrepair because of this very issue. I would let things go for long periods of time because he said he could fix it and never did. I'm not doing that to our new house.

[CC5578]

Thank you. I am still struggling with the loss I've experienced. It was actually my pet peacock that was uncharacteristically nice and friendly. He sat on my lap every day after work. I was just as attached to him as my dogs oddly enough. It also was a lot of time and energy invested to get his trust and develop the bond we had. So I am left feeling sad and empty at a vulnerable time. Vet was unable to figure out why he passed away suddenly in his sleep. Now today is my one year wedding anniversary. No celebrating took place today. We are basically separated while still living under the same roof. I've had to establish boundaries and distance myself. I've been at an unhealthy level of anger towards him lately. And our "relationship" has been unhealthy in general. No progress can be made in such a state. He is hopefully going to seek out treatment (again) but honestly I'm at a loss with where he should go and I know he is too. He's already gone through all of the therapists in this area. Granted most of them unable to help him given the level of expertise really needed. The one I think could've helped  terminated his therapy due to too many missed appointments. I wish there was an inpatient place he could go for a few weeks for some intensive treatment and then continue with outpatient. There are so many layers of problems. He cycles through regularly to the point where we have had the same conversations over and over. His splitting is both scary and exhausting. We've had no sexual relationship. This has caused a lot of damage. Destroyed my self esteem and left me beyond sexually frustrated. It's like after we got married everything changed, for the worse. He's not the same person and I'm losing a grasp on where the person I loved has gone. As time goes on there is less and less of him. He just finds me annoying, has no sexual interest, complains about everything. Yet blames me for all of it. I feel like I'm sitting in a field with a tornado spinning viciously around me. I don't know what to do. I don't know how to move forward or what that would look like. I have lost almost all hope. He says mean things, that he doesn't care anymore, I should leave, etc. Then says he didn't mean it. Then says it again. Then says he didn't mean it. Idk what's real anymore. I'm so tired.