Where do I go from here?

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Hey everyone.  This is my first time in this board.  I used to be in the other one teaching problem solving skills but we have very much declined.

Background: My girlfriend and I (we are lesbians) are each 21 years old. I suspect she has BPD.  I have read "Walking On Eggshells" and I firmly believe that she has it.  No doubt.  She is in the military and I am a senior in college. We live about 3 hours away from one another so we see each other most weekends.  

I am extremely busy in school- top of my class, president of Relay for Life, doing independent research, and on the school swim team.  I am booked. But I am doing an amazing job balancing everything.  My pwBPD is struggling in her life right now.  :)epression and anxiety.  I believe alcohol abuse (she'll NEVER admit it).  Her health isn't doing great either but I'll spare the details as that is her information, not mine.  

Lately we have been so terrible. Our sex life is awful. She won't reciprocate anything that I do to her unless I beg all weekend and then its done half-heartedly.  When I ask her about it, she tells me "well its the depression, if I'm not doing it for you, have sex with someone else".  It's been like this since about May.  The worst part is that I've truly actually considered it.  Im not getting any attention from someone who is supposed to think I'm attractive.  I would never cheat, but if I said I haven't sought out attention via Tinder, id be lying.  

She doesn't ever say shes proud of me, say she loves me, or show any sort of affection.  I feel like I'm in a friendship that cuddles occasionally. She says "I don't need to say those things if I show them." But like, she doesn't show them.  She's constantly telling me to shut up, calling me stupid, and I would just love to be shown support.  I'm scared she's going to think my future career (occupational therapy) is a joke when I'm actually out working.  

Let's see. What else.  She's verbally abusive, which I know is her throwing her insecurities on me. But it still hurts.  The worst part is honestly when I try to talk to her about these things, it ALWAYS ends up in a big blow out fight.  Every time.  We can't have a conversation no matter how hard I try to stay calm.  She cannot.  She gets angry, verbally abusive, calls me names, and it's exhausting.  I guess I just would love to know what I can do.  How do I save this?  Should I even save it?  I'd love to hear people on both sides.  Maybe I'm posting in the wrong board but I really would love someone to tell me how it is.  Sorry for the rant, I look forward to hearing from people!  

[228kk]

Hey everyone.  This is my first time in this board.  I used to be in the other one teaching problem solving skills but we have very much declined.

Background: My girlfriend and I (we are lesbians) are each 21 years old. I suspect she has BPD.  I have read "Walking On Eggshells" and I firmly believe that she has it.  No doubt.  She is in the military and I am a senior in college. We live about 3 hours away from one another so we see each other most weekends.  

I am extremely busy in school- top of my class, president of Relay for Life, doing independent research, and on the school swim team.  I am booked. But I am doing an amazing job balancing everything.  My pwBPD is struggling in her life right now.  :)epression and anxiety.  I believe alcohol abuse (she'll NEVER admit it).  Her health isn't doing great either but I'll spare the details as that is her information, not mine.  

Lately we have been so terrible. Our sex life is awful. She won't reciprocate anything that I do to her unless I beg all weekend and then its done half-heartedly.  When I ask her about it, she tells me "well its the depression, if I'm not doing it for you, have sex with someone else".  It's been like this since about May.  The worst part is that I've truly actually considered it.  Im not getting any attention from someone who is supposed to think I'm attractive.  I would never cheat, but if I said I haven't sought out attention via Tinder, id be lying.  

She doesn't ever say shes proud of me, say she loves me, or show any sort of affection.  I feel like I'm in a friendship that cuddles occasionally. She says "I don't need to say those things if I show them." But like, she doesn't show them.  She's constantly telling me to shut up, calling me stupid, and I would just love to be shown support.  I'm scared she's going to think my future career (occupational therapy) is a joke when I'm actually out working.  

Let's see. What else.  She's verbally abusive, which I know is her throwing her insecurities on me. But it still hurts.  The worst part is honestly when I try to talk to her about these things, it ALWAYS ends up in a big blow out fight.  Every time.  We can't have a conversation no matter how hard I try to stay calm.  She cannot.  She gets angry, verbally abusive, calls me names, and it's exhausting.  I guess I just would love to know what I can do.  How do I save this?  Should I even save it?  I'd love to hear people on both sides.  Maybe I'm posting in the wrong board but I really would love someone to tell me how it is.  Sorry for the rant, I look forward to hearing from people!  

[Pencil sketch]

I think your gf, is just depressed, and maybe, feels a little overwhelmed, you have alot going on, and perhaps she feels sidelined, or feels inadequate, it's just the way you come across.
Does she display any other BPD traits?

[RolandOfEld]

Hi 228k, this board is for bettering or improving a relationship so as long as you still have some heart to try you are in the right place.

It's very painful to have the person we love most saying the most hurtful things to us. I've been called things and had things said to me by wife I wish I could forget. I'm sorry you've had to go through that.

Communication is the most difficult part of any relationship with someone with BPD. Have you tried the SET approach mentioned in Eggshells? What kind of things tend to trigger her most easily?

Yrs,
~ROE

[Lucky Jim]

Hey 228kk, Welcome to the Conflicted Board.  What makes you suspect that your GF has BPD?  I am uncertain about what you would like to see happen.  Are you hoping to save the r/s?  Are you thinking that it might be time for you to detach?  I can't tell.  Fill us in, when you can.

LuckyJim

[PeteWitsend]

Hi 228kk, and welcome,

We can't really tell you whether you should stay or go, as that is a decision for you to make.

I am sorry you're going through this; you sound like a very intelligent, responsible and mature person, and it's unfortunate your girlfriend doesn't appreciate that, and (maybe) even resents you for being this way.

I think it would help to get some perspective from people you trust, maybe who know both of you, but would not divulge any of your concerns to your GF.

It would also help to understand what's "normal" so-to-speak and what relationships can be like, so you're not staying in a negative or even abusive situation "just because." 

From my own experience, looking back I made more excuses for my girlfriend's, (now wife's) behavior, and I learned - much later than I should have - that BPD isn't a state- or situation-dependent disorder.  it's not just "depression" which can be addressed through therapy and/or medication.  It is her personality, for better or for worse, and I should not have made decisions based on what I hoped would change or what I thought I could change.

If your GF truly is BPD as you suspect, you need to realize this is more about who she is, than an illness she's suffering or a funk she's going through.