Where do I go from here?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hey everyone.  This is my first time in this board.  I used to be in the other one teaching problem solving skills but we have very much declined. Background: My girlfriend and I (we are lesbians) are each 21 years old. I suspect she has BPD.  I have read "Walking On Eggshells" and I firmly believe that she has it.  No doubt.  She is in the military and I am a senior in college. We live about 3 hours away from one another so we see each other most weekends.  I am extremely busy in school- top of my class, president of Relay for Life, doing independent research, and on the school swim team.  I am booked. But I am doing an amazing job balancing everything.  My pwBPD is struggling in her life right now.  Depression and anxiety.  I believe alcohol abuse (she'll NEVER admit it).  Her health isn't doing great either but I'll spare the details as that is her information, not mine.  Lately we have been so terrible. Our sex life is awful. She won't reciprocate anything that I do to her unless I beg all weekend and then its done half-heartedly.  When I ask her about it, she tells me "well its the depression, if I'm not doing it for you, have sex with someone else".  It's been like this since about May.  The worst part is that I've truly actually considered it.  Im not getting any attention from someone who is supposed to think I'm attractive.  I would never cheat, but if I said I haven't sought out attention via Tinder, id be lying.  She doesn't ever say shes proud of me, say she loves me, or show any sort of affection.  I feel like I'm in a friendship that cuddles occasionally. She says "I don't need to say those things if I show them." But like, she doesn't show them.  She's constantly telling me to shut up, calling me stupid, and I would just love to be shown support.  I'm scared she's going to think my future career (occupational therapy) is a joke when I'm actually out working.  Let's see. What else.  She's verbally abusive, which I know is her throwing her insecurities on me. But it still hurts.  The worst part is honestly when I try to talk to her about these things, it ALWAYS ends up in a big blow out fight.  Every time.  We can't have a conversation no matter how hard I try to stay calm.  She cannot.  She gets angry, verbally abusive, calls me names, and it's exhausting.  I guess I just would love to know what I can do.  How do I save this?  Should I even save it?  I'd love to hear people on both sides.  Maybe I'm posting in the wrong board but I really would love someone to tell me how it is.  Sorry for the rant, I look forward to hearing from people!

[228kk]

Hey everyone.  This is my first time in this board.  I used to be in the other one teaching problem solving skills but we have very much declined. Background: My girlfriend and I (we are lesbians) are each 21 years old. I suspect she has BPD.  I have read "Walking On Eggshells" and I firmly believe that she has it.  No doubt.  She is in the military and I am a senior in college. We live about 3 hours away from one another so we see each other most weekends.  I am extremely busy in school- top of my class, president of Relay for Life, doing independent research, and on the school swim team.  I am booked. But I am doing an amazing job balancing everything.  My pwBPD is struggling in her life right now.  Depression and anxiety.  I believe alcohol abuse (she'll NEVER admit it).  Her health isn't doing great either but I'll spare the details as that is her information, not mine.  Lately we have been so terrible. Our sex life is awful. She won't reciprocate anything that I do to her unless I beg all weekend and then its done half-heartedly.  When I ask her about it, she tells me "well its the depression, if I'm not doing it for you, have sex with someone else".  It's been like this since about May.  The worst part is that I've truly actually considered it.  Im not getting any attention from someone who is supposed to think I'm attractive.  I would never cheat, but if I said I haven't sought out attention via Tinder, id be lying.  She doesn't ever say shes proud of me, say she loves me, or show any sort of affection.  I feel like I'm in a friendship that cuddles occasionally. She says "I don't need to say those things if I show them." But like, she doesn't show them.  She's constantly telling me to shut up, calling me stupid, and I would just love to be shown support.  I'm scared she's going to think my future career (occupational therapy) is a joke when I'm actually out working.  Let's see. What else.  She's verbally abusive, which I know is her throwing her insecurities on me. But it still hurts.  The worst part is honestly when I try to talk to her about these things, it ALWAYS ends up in a big blow out fight.  Every time.  We can't have a conversation no matter how hard I try to stay calm.  She cannot.  She gets angry, verbally abusive, calls me names, and it's exhausting.  I guess I just would love to know what I can do.  How do I save this?  Should I even save it?  I'd love to hear people on both sides.  Maybe I'm posting in the wrong board but I really would love someone to tell me how it is.  Sorry for the rant, I look forward to hearing from people!

[Lucky Jim]

Hey 228kk, Welcome to the Conflicted Board!  I'm sorry to hear that you find yourself in a r/s with someone who is abusive and unsupportive.  Let me ask you the million dollar question: why do you stay?  Presumably you get something out of the r/s.  What do you think that is?  I know these are tough questions, but may help you to find the right path. 

LuckyJim

[228kk]

I guess I stay because when were good we have so much fun together.  Like I always laugh the hardest when I'm with her.  But I also cry the hardest because of her.  When things are good, they're great.  When things are bad, they're terrible.

[Lucky Jim]

You hit the nail on the head with quite an accurate observation about a BPD r/s.  It's true about the highs and lows.  Sometimes people say that the sex is good, too.

You might want to check out the Thread I recently started on the Relationship Crises Board concerning one's belief that things will return to the way they were.  It's part of the 10 beliefs project and is marked with a star.

LJ