The 180 Plan

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Id like to share my experience with a plan that I used when I was going through my separation from my ex wife.  I can 100% say this worked and got me over my ex wife - and then subsequently into the clutches of my exBPDGF   .  But TBF, I didnt realise at the time that I still had issues about relationships in general - and brought them into this last crazy relationship.

Its a few bullet points from a marriage therapist called Michele Weiner-Davis from "divorce busters - how to save your marriage" called "The 180 plan".
This applies to well perhaps not a healthy relationship (as you are on the verge of divorce), but one that isnt with someone with BPD. 
But I believe you can apply this logic to a pwBPD. 

The outcome is that you either get them back or you move on... .and as you continue following these rules, you start to not mind either way. 
It really is a clever set of rules to live by and it alters the way you see things, how you act, how you behave and how you feel about yourself.

enjoy... .and if anyone takes this plan up... .let me know how you go... .


1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore.
2. No frequent phone calls.
3. Do not point out good points in marriage.
4. Do not follow him/her around the house.
5. Do not encourage talk about the future.
6. Do not ask for help from family members.
7. Do not ask for reassurances.
8. Do not buy gifts.
9. Do not schedule dates together.
10. Do not spy on spouse.
11. Do not say “I Love You”.
12. Act as if you are moving on with your life.
13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive.
14. Don’t sit around waiting on your spouse – get busy, do things, go to church, go out with friends, etc.
15. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words.
16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING.
17. You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse.
18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold – just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what she will be missing
19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Show him/her someone he/she would want to be around.
20. All questions about marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while).
21. Never lose your cool.
22. Don’t be overly enthusiastic.
23. Do not argue about how they feel (it only makes their feelings stronger).
24. Be patient
25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you.
26. Learn to back off, shut up and possibly walk away.
27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil).
28. Be strong and confident.
29. Know that if you can do 180, your smallest CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write.
30. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are desperate and needy.
31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse.
32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because they are hurting and scared.
33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.
34. Do not backslide from your hardearned changes.

***

The genius of this plan is that if you follow the rules, you will rebuild your life... .  It works!

Best advice... .print them out and stick it on your fridge... .and everytime you're feeling down, just take a read and reassure yourself that things will get better.
I completely forgot about this and will now start to follow it again.

Hope it was useful... !


Cheers

[confusedbloke]

Id like to share my experience with a plan that I used when I was going through my separation from my ex wife.  I can 100% say this worked and got me over my ex wife - and then subsequently into the clutches of my exBPDGF   .  But TBF, I didnt realise at the time that I still had issues about relationships in general - and brought them into this last crazy relationship.

Its a few bullet points from a marriage therapist called Michele Weiner-Davis from "divorce busters - how to save your marriage" called "The 180 plan".
This applies to well perhaps not a healthy relationship (as you are on the verge of divorce), but one that isnt with someone with BPD. 
But I believe you can apply this logic to a pwBPD. 

The outcome is that you either get them back or you move on... .and as you continue following these rules, you start to not mind either way. 
It really is a clever set of rules to live by and it alters the way you see things, how you act, how you behave and how you feel about yourself.

enjoy... .and if anyone takes this plan up... .let me know how you go... .


1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore.
2. No frequent phone calls.
3. Do not point out good points in marriage.
4. Do not follow him/her around the house.
5. Do not encourage talk about the future.
6. Do not ask for help from family members.
7. Do not ask for reassurances.
8. Do not buy gifts.
9. Do not schedule dates together.
10. Do not spy on spouse.
11. Do not say “I Love You”.
12. Act as if you are moving on with your life.
13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive.
14. Don’t sit around waiting on your spouse – get busy, do things, go to church, go out with friends, etc.
15. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words.
16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING.
17. You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse.
18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold – just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what she will be missing
19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Show him/her someone he/she would want to be around.
20. All questions about marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while).
21. Never lose your cool.
22. Don’t be overly enthusiastic.
23. Do not argue about how they feel (it only makes their feelings stronger).
24. Be patient
25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you.
26. Learn to back off, shut up and possibly walk away.
27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil).
28. Be strong and confident.
29. Know that if you can do 180, your smallest CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write.
30. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are desperate and needy.
31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse.
32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because they are hurting and scared.
33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.
34. Do not backslide from your hardearned changes.

***

The genius of this plan is that if you follow the rules, you will rebuild your life... .  It works!

Best advice... .print them out and stick it on your fridge... .and everytime you're feeling down, just take a read and reassure yourself that things will get better.
I completely forgot about this and will now start to follow it again.

Hope it was useful... !


Cheers

[Enabler]

Amen... .especially rule 32

[once removed]

i think with a few of these, like rule 18, it can be easy to apply passive aggressively, and 25 and 32 sound a little at odds, but overall its pretty good advice, a lot of which (dont over pursue, beg, plead, chase, get too heavy) is really important for members on the Saving board.

thanks for sharing confusedbloke!

[Skip]

 

I think that list is a wee bit out of context. It is instructions for what to do when the boat is sinking fast - it says, don't falling all over your partner to make a save. Don't over pursue is the message we often share on the "Saving" board. It's invalidating. It's weak.

This video is her message on prevention... .this, to me, is the stronger take home. She gets right to the heart of the issue of why men think everything is good and the relationship suddenly explodes "for no reason".


Date: 04-2010Minutes: 5:38
Prevent My Divorce: The Walkaway Wife Syndrome | Michele Weiner-Davis

[confusedbloke]

It is out of context, correct... .

Its more to do with building yourself back up after a BPD tumble... .It gave me false hope of my marriage working after splitting up... .but as it happened, it allowed me to accept that it was over and rebuild my life as a single man!

Anyway, just thought it might help

[confusedbloke]

Ok so phase 1 of the 180 plan has been put into action. 
She called me at lunch as Id texted her a few days back saying that my aunt and uncle are here from overseas.
She liked them so I thought Id let her know.  I was absolutely cool as a cucumber on the phone.
I talked about myself and how positive things are now that Im starting my new job.  My words were "Im effing buzzing".  I was very upbeat and sounding like Ive accepted everything and truly moving on.

Shes ill so I wished her a quick recovery and after some small talk I said that I need to get back to work.

It felt great.  I felt like I was in control of myself and not afraid to sound happy.  It felt like me again.

Just got back to work and I thought - any minute now, she will email me.  And she did!  She congratulated me on my job and said I deserved it.  She asked how long my unc and aunt are here and i simply responded...

"Thanks.  Im really looking forward to it.  They here for 7 days more.  Just a short visit x"

Then she responded with

"Sok, argh ok would have been nice to see them x"

TBH I dont really know what to say now... .  But anyway I feel like im starting to heal... .and I'm looking forward to the future!

[once removed]

Ok so phase 1 of the 180 plan has been put into action. 

are you trying to get her back? are you trying to signal to her youve moved on?

[confusedbloke]

Its neither really, but I couldn't possibly get back with her... .I couldn't go through all this again...

Hard to explain.  I guess its like "fake it till you make it"... .  I'm just "tricking" my brain into being ok talking to her... .being ok on my own... .not being needy and all pathetic... .or angry and argumentative... . 

I'm a very positive happy person... .I Just changed into that person because we weren't compatible and her personality brought out the absolute worst in me.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that I want to move on, but do it the smart way where I feel better about myself... .I want to be in control of my life and not hide my happy demeanour because of her jealousy and insecurities.  She doesn't have the control over me anymore.  Only I have control over me.

Does this make any sense? 

[once removed]

I'm just "tricking" my brain into being ok talking to her 

but why? nothing wrong with talking to her, but to what end and purpose?

She doesn't have the control over me anymore.

okay. are you feeling a need to show her/tell her this?

[Skip]

I think you handled that well.

You signaled that you are still sharing, but not pushing boundaries or pursuing. She responded with appreciation and also not pushing boundaries or pursuing. This is a place of healing. Be careful to not read anything into this (it was a very neutral communication) or push for more... .the communication lines are open and the ball is in her court.

It's a time for you to think about what you learned and how to be a better partner in your next relationship (with whoever).

[confusedbloke]

but why? nothing wrong with talking to her, but to what end and purpose?

Because this is how I handled my divorce.  I guess it worked for me last time, so I'm copying this 180 (the turnaround plan) again.  Our dynamics have now changed and if we have the odd communique with each other I need to be in a place where it doesn't hurt.  I'm practicing I guess.  I don't know... .its really hard to explain

okay. are you feeling a need to show her/tell her this?

Perhaps yes.  I guess I feel a need to show her that she doesn't have control anymore... .and it is making me feel happier.  But again, its more for my confidence and my ability to be ok without feeling down.  I feel quite upbeat after that.  I was polite and respectful and she was fond of my unc and aunt and wanted her to know... and she appreciated that.  Shes not a monster, shes just not wired right.  I know she has a good heart, its a shame her mind doesn't correspond with that heart.

I think you handled that well.

Be careful to not read anything into this (it was a very neutral communication) or push for more... .the communication lines are open and the ball is in her court.

It's a time for you to think about what you learned and how to be a better partner in your next relationship (with whoever).

Thanks Skip.  Yes I liked the "neutral-ness" of it.  I'm not reading anything into it.  Theres nothing to read.  Although I knew she would email after the phone call.  I know her... .Shes just having a bad day and probably ruminating about me and her going to see my family... .and she will be fine tomorrow.  Her mood will be completely different.

Yes I am thinking a lot about what Ive learned.  I PM'd a member on here and we were talking and I actually said... .this girl could have been the best thing that's happened to me, because its made me look at myself, and how I behave in a relationship.  Because I'm dysfunctional too, but I'm willing to learn how to change... .And I want to change

[once removed]

I guess I feel a need to show her that she doesn't have control anymore... .

i think when a relationship ends, so does the power struggle. she doesnt have control anymore.

Our dynamics have now changed and if we have the odd communique with each other I need to be in a place where it doesn't hurt.  I'm practicing I guess.  I don't know... .its really hard to explain

i think its a wise approach to take to get to a place where communicating with her doesnt hurt, and to let go of needs for things like NC. i agree youre handling the communication well, too.

using those opportunities as a means to show her she doesnt have control sounds similar to me to looking for validation from other women. its kind of like trying to do the relationship over, but without the romance.

if you want a friendly relationship with her, id put my emphasis there - not trying to prove anything, just enjoying each others company and navigating some of her difficulties. a new and different kind of relationship.

[Enabler]

Correct me if I'm wrong but I think you're enjoying that feeling of "I could if I wanted to but I don't so I shan't" ... .it's called control or POWER   ... .and it feels good, in much the same way as it felt bad when you were out of control and were powerless.

Just be careful you're not playing with fire.

[confusedbloke]

I dont want a friendship with her.  I couldnt.
Because it wouldnt be long before Im back to square one, but it would be worse.  As before i was in a r/s with her,
and if it were friends, I would be even more frustrated than before.

I think it boils down to the fact that she's not a bad person and I dont want to be horrid to her anymore.  She cant help the way she is, but I can.

And thats why I believe Im finally getting control of myself.  I dont feel the need to get angry with her "for contacting me" and wondering why she did this or that etc.
I dont have the energy for the drama anymore.

And I can relate... .I look for validation from other women... .In fact I have done my whole life.  Now Skip has pointed out that this is a co-dependent trait to me, its really got me thinking.

I simply dont want to be like that anymore

[confusedbloke]

Correct me if I'm wrong but I think you're enjoying that feeling of "I could if I wanted to but I don't so I shan't" ... .it's called control or POWER   ... .and it feels good, in much the same way as it felt bad when you were out of control and were powerless.

Just be careful you're not playing with fire.

No its not that... .but I completely understand what you are saying.  I have done that in the past to other women after being hurt.  Its not nice and its not fair.  I don't feel the bitterness required in order to feel that way.  She wasn't like she was because she was cruel... .she just couldn't help it... .And I know she loved me deeply, but couldn't control her emotions / jealousy / insecurities / rages / abuse... .  And I had a part to play in this.

I don't want to punish her for that.