Fear danger, seek advice

[Our abuse recovery guide]

I am the brother of a woman with extreme BPD. My BPD sister is now in her mid fifties. I am presently living with my 80-year-old mother, and am concerned for her safety.

For over a year, my BPD sister lived in the house with my mother and myself. During that time, she repeatedly threatened us, was occasionally violent toward us, and occasionally destroyed our property. My mother spent forty years of her life taking my sister to doctors and trying every medication and healing modality known to the psychiatric community. Finally, my sister left my mother's home to move in with a man she had met.

She and the man she had met moved out of state. She became increasingly involved with criminals, and has been incarcerated for domestic abuse (attacking the mother of her new boyfriend), DUI, shoplifting, and threatening to bomb a clinic.

Now, my sister is calling me and my mother repeatedly, and demanding that I come to her new residence (out of state) and bring her back to my mother's home. Clearly this is not going to happen. My sister continues to demand it, while blaming and shaming both my mother and myself, and dredging up issues from the past. My fear is that once it is crystal clear that she will not be invited to return to my mother's home, she may enlist her criminal friends to harm myself or my mother. My sister has money from years of rent-free living and stashing her SSDI, and now that she is no longer on probation she is now free to leave the state where she presently lives.

I am inclined to tell her that if any harm comes to us, she will be institutionalized, since that is her greatest fear. However, I do not want to exacerbate the situation. Does anyone have any insight or suggestions?

[patroklos]

I am the brother of a woman with extreme BPD. My BPD sister is now in her mid fifties. I am presently living with my 80-year-old mother, and am concerned for her safety.

For over a year, my BPD sister lived in the house with my mother and myself. During that time, she repeatedly threatened us, was occasionally violent toward us, and occasionally destroyed our property. My mother spent forty years of her life taking my sister to doctors and trying every medication and healing modality known to the psychiatric community. Finally, my sister left my mother's home to move in with a man she had met.

She and the man she had met moved out of state. She became increasingly involved with criminals, and has been incarcerated for domestic abuse (attacking the mother of her new boyfriend), DUI, shoplifting, and threatening to bomb a clinic.

Now, my sister is calling me and my mother repeatedly, and demanding that I come to her new residence (out of state) and bring her back to my mother's home. Clearly this is not going to happen. My sister continues to demand it, while blaming and shaming both my mother and myself, and dredging up issues from the past. My fear is that once it is crystal clear that she will not be invited to return to my mother's home, she may enlist her criminal friends to harm myself or my mother. My sister has money from years of rent-free living and stashing her SSDI, and now that she is no longer on probation she is now free to leave the state where she presently lives.

I am inclined to tell her that if any harm comes to us, she will be institutionalized, since that is her greatest fear. However, I do not want to exacerbate the situation. Does anyone have any insight or suggestions?

[Pilpel]

Yikes!  That's a stressful situation with your sister.  All I can think of is to take home security measures. If she still has a key to your house, get the locks changed.  Maybe get an alarm system or something.   It might not hurt to talk to the police.  Or contact NAMI.  They might have some ideas from other people who have dealt with potentially dangerous and mentally ill family members. 

When your sister make threats and damaged property in the past, did you or your mom ever file a report? 

[patroklos]

Thanks for your post, I really appreciate it. Yes, we changed the locks and called the police when my sister moved out three years ago. We were in fear, and as a parting blow my sister had destroyed most of my clothing with bleach.

We do have an alarm system, which we use every night just in case... .especially now.

The concern now is that my sister is no longer on probation and so is free to travel back to the state where my mother and I live. I am trying to think of a way to dissuade her from doing harm to us, which is why I thought about letting her know that if any harm were to come to us, the police have been instructed to seek her out as a potential perpetrator. I'm also considering telling her that if any harm were to come to us, she would be excised from the will, or institutionalized (though in truth I do not have the power to institutionalize her). However, I don't want to exacerbate the problem. I don't know if the threat would be more likely to make her cowed, or more likely to lead her to attack us.

[Panda39]

I will preface this with... .I have not experienced anything like this... .

But my instincts say don't make threats that will only escalate the drama, I would actually not engage with her at all.  Negative attention is still attention.

I think taking the physical safety measures you have taken are good, and I would speak to the police about the potential of her showing up and causing trouble now so this is on their radar.

Being aware of the potential situation is good but you also can't let fear rule your life.  Remember people with BPD will use FOG (Fear, Obligation, Guilt) or emotional blackmail to get what they want.

I'm not sure what you and others here think about a restraining order (this could also escalate the drama) but that would be an option that would have consequences attached should she ignore the order.

Take Care, 
Panda39

[Pilpel]

patroklos,

How have things been going with your sister?  Have you heard from her?