between a rock and a hard place

[halcyon]

Hey guys... .I think I just need emotional support, but maybe a little advice too if you have it.

I've been in a relationship with my wife for 2 years, but we just got married August 1st... .

She's been in treatment, but hasn't had therapy for 2 months due to insurance glitch... .

She works full time/ I go to school full time... .

(And please forgive my disjointed post here... .I'm still very highly anxious from what I went through this morning, so my brain isn't quite making complete sentences)

She is BPD with severe PTSD/ I have generalized anxiety, which manifests in panic attacks... .

Sunday, our kitchen sink went capoot.  Monday my uncle fixed it... .

Tuesday night my wife suddenly blew up at me because the house work hasn't been getting done... .

We communicated and solved the Tuesday night upset... .or, at least I thought we had... .

Everything seemed fine on Wednesday.  We even went on a date.  She seemed in a good mood again.  All seemed right with the world... .

This morning (Thursday), she gets up to make my coffee and the sink once again went capoot, exploding water at her... .

We managed to get the water shut off, but she was now in a very bad frustrated mood... .

I tried to come up with solutions:  "We could call Mom for advice" "We could call my uncle again" "We could wait until Tuesday when we have money and call a real plumber"... .

She took that as me treating her like a child.  She took that as me "undermining her own judgment" on how to solve the problem.  She exploded on me.  I asked if we could take 5 minutes and cool down and try to talk about it... .

"NO!" she screamed.  "I AM DONE TALKING!"

Then, she started to pack her bags... .

I couldn't believe it.  I was in total shock.  How could a simple sink issue turn into her packing her bags?

I said, "where are you going?"  She said, "I can't be here right now.  I can't be around you."

I said, "when are you coming back?"  She said, "I don't know.  Maybe tomorrow, maybe next week, maybe never.  I'm DONE with this conversation.  STOP TALKING TO ME!"

She got me a little wall decoration when we first got together.  It's shaped like a house and says "welcome" on it.  When she gave it to me, she said, "this symbolizes that I am finally home where I belong."  It was a very sentimental moment for us both.

As she was packing, she took the house down and packed it up with the rest of her things.  That scared me more than ANYTHING. 

I did go for emergency therapy this morning after she left.  My therapist thinks she took the house down on purpose to hurt me.  She doesn't think it was her way of saying "I'm not coming back", but rather her way of saying, "I want you to be afraid I'm not coming back." 

About 3 hours after she left, I got a text:  "I'm sorry, but I can't talk about this anymore.  I just can't.  I'll be at work until 9.  After that, I don't know.  I just need space."

I texted back:  "Take the time you need and come home when you're ready.  I will be here.  I'm not giving up on us."

She texted back:  "Look, I'm not giving up on us either.  But you've got to give me some space.  I am tired of going in circles with you.  I need to be away from you for awhile."

I texted back:  "I understand.  I will be here when you're ready."

I haven't heard back since.

In February of 2016, she left me like this for a whole month.  When she came back, she was incredibly guilt-ridden and apologetic.  I told her we could start over.  But I also warned her that I would not put up with another disappearance again.  She swore to me this would never happen again, no matter how angry we got at each other.  That's why I agreed to marry her (plus, the love, of which I have more than I'm starting to feel I should).

I am willing to give her space.  I am even willing to talk this out, IF she ever decides that's what SHE wants (can't be for sure right now- feel like our whole relationship is hanging in mid-air).  But there are other things to consider besides our relationship here.

She was footing all the bills while I took full time classes.  I am getting straight A's, and I only have 3 weeks left in this semester.  If I have to get a job now, and try to juggle bills with school, I'm seriously worried I will fall on my face.  Especially since right now I am so anxious and depressed I can't even eat, and have no idea how I will sleep tonight if she doesn't come home.

I'm struggling to grasp with what happened this morning.  To be honest, I'm still kind of in shock.  I realize BPD folks will have their "moments", but... .I haven't seen her this bad since she left the first time.  And I'm seriously angry that she allowed her symptoms to cause her to break a promise that was so important to me (not disappearing like this).  So I'm like... .do I even WANT her to come home at this point?

I love her.  And I want to work this out if she's willing.  But goddammit... .she's seriously broken my heart in two today.  I don't know what else to say.   

Can anyone help me?

[Lucky Jim]

Hey halcyon, My friend has a sailboat with the same name as your moniker!  I'm sorry to learn that you are in pain.  Of course it's upsetting to have your W take off without letting you know when she'll return, with the little house, no less.  I suggest that you decline to argue or plead with her.  In other words, don't engage.  I think you did the right thing by staying calm and giving her the space she needs.  In my experience, these types of BPD tirades only last 24-48 hours, so I suggest you practice patience while she gets her equilibrium back.  I can see that you love her and understand how hard it is to see someone you care about act out these mini-dramas, but it goes with the BPD territory, so-to-speak.

LuckyJim

[halcyon]

Thank you.  It's a conflict within myself not to engage any more (since that last text).  Everything inside me foolishly screams: "MAKE HER LISTEN TO REASON", but I know that would only make things MUCH MUCH worse.  I am writing her a letter, but I am NOT sending it.  I figure, if she does come back, she can read it when she's ready.  If she doesn't come back, then... .at least I will have gotten my own feelings out of my head and onto paper.  But I promise:  I am NOT hitting that send button, so help me God.  If she wants it, I will print it out and give her the actual document.  Otherwise, she may never see it.  I know I have to give her this space, even if my skin is crawling with the temptation to reach out to her.  I am very lucky to have a therapist and medicine.  It's going to suck until it's either resolved or I come to the realization a divorce is coming... .but I'll get through it.  THIS SITE HELPS SO MUCH!

And thank you for pointing out that "in most cases" this lasts 24-48 hours.  My therapist pointed out the same.  It gives me hope.  And if she doesn't come back... .I'm sure I'll find support here and elsewhere. 

[Red5]

@halcyon,

Welcome, and I am very sorry that you are having to endure this, I have been through this myself, and I know and understand how one can become very frustrated, and upset as this is occurring in real time.

Advice, @Lucky Jim is correct, give your wife her space, do not pursue, or else if she does call you, be very careful not to lose it while she may talk to you (so to speak).

Maybe you know the acronym "JADE"... .if you do talk to her, just listen, and even validate what she may say, do not "justify, argue, defend, or explain" your own position in this, or else you will only escalate the situation... .ie' JADE... .but use this tool, called SET, which means "support (validate her feelings), use empathy (I am sorry you are feeling this way), and truth (I love you, and I hope that you are alright, I have to go now) with her (ie' SET).

Like Grandmother used to say, "don't wear your emotions on your sleeves"... .

Another thing, as you are in a hot spot right now, of not knowing where she is, or what she is doing, or when she is coming back, you need to take care of yourself first and foremost, .

 I call this "self-soothing"... .calm down, breath deep, do it several times, go for a walk, get outside, get some air (perspective), .and engage in something else, outside this bubble of anxiety you may be currently in.

Education, read all you can in regards to BPD, and the others as well, npd, hpd, CPTSD, and learn all you can about these disorders.

Understand that you must live right here, in the here and the now, .make some plans, "contingency plans"... .keep your mind occupied with other things, and tasks.

*eat
*sleep
*go to a coffee shop
*have a conversation with a friend, about something completely different
*read something, your favorite subject, ie’ (for example) the voyages of the early explorers
*enjoy some good music
*do something for you !

The key here is to occupy (re-occupy) your mind with other things, positive things.

You must understand, even as much as you would like to, that you will not be able to control her emotions, or her actions, or her very thought processes, but you can control your own.

There are many great tools, videos, and articles here on this website, so start exploring them, and gain knowledge and understanding, this will help your current emotional status immensely to understand more about what you and your new wife are going through right now.

Hang in there now, and take care of yourself, v/r Red5

[halcyon]

Hey, thank you all SO much!  UPDATE: as of now, she says she's coming home tonight.  She called me tears, apologizing.  I have faith she'll be here tonight as she says.  I will do my very best not to JADE as you've suggested.  I have promised her nothing but love and understanding tonight.

The only thing I'm a teensy bit worried about still: she called her Mom during her distress.  She'd previously cut her Mom off, because her Mom denies the abuse she suffered and was neglectful during her childhood.  On the phone, she sounded like the wife I know- didn't appear to be dissociating.  But phone calls with her Mom have, in the past, resulted in dissociation.  This one didn't seem to go that way, but... .it's concerning.

But of course, I need to let HER decide how to handle that.  My lips will NOT voice opinions on this.  I'll just have to swallow some worry.

Thanks again!  WHAT A DAY!

[formflier]

When she comes home... gently welcome her back... .nothing over the top. 

My impression of reading your texts is that she felt very pressured... .and kept repeating she needed space.  The more you pushed the further she went.

I would recommend welcoming her home and suggesting you guys talk about it in a few days... perhaps go for coffee on Sunday evening.

Remove pressure... .focus on your school work.  Let her focus on what she wants to... .

Hang in there.

FF

[babyducks]

Hi halcyon,

I am glad she is coming home tonight and hope things go/went well for you both.

when I read your account of what happened the first thing that popped into my head was oh "fear of engulfment."

there is an older thread here about it, the link is below.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=281066.0%3ball

some of it is pretty clinical but I like what one member said:

 The person with BPD will fear losing themselves within the relationship, and can become resentful or defiant.

a close cousin to fear of abandonment I see it as that moment when the unstable sense of self gets overloaded and the intense emotions get too much to handle.

I used to get "you have to stop hurting me this way, you need to go now."   mind you, at the time I was curled up on the sofa in a fetal position with my arms wrapped around my head trying to protect myself.    how I was ~hurting~ her was kind of confusing.    Now I think of it as all those balls she had to keep in the air to feel okay, to feel normal, had suddenly come tumbling down.   maybe one too many balls had been added to the mix.   maybe she just couldn't handle, the broken car, the sick cat,   the snow storm, in addition to the emotional regulation, holding the shame at bay, feeling a stable sense of self, and maintaining personal boundaries.

I agree, remove pressure.   allow emotions to stabilize.

'ducks

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Halcyon, I think writing that letter that you don't intend to send was a good idea.  It helps to get one's thoughts and feelings on paper.  There's even a book on this subject, Expressive Writing, by James Pennebaker, that I found insightful.  Let us know how it went last night, when you get a chance.

LJ

[halcyon]

when I read your account of what happened the first thing that popped into my head was oh "fear of engulfment."

Thank you for providing a link to a thread on that topic... .I had heard of fear of abandonment, of course, but fear of engulfment is new to me.  Very helpful!

She and I have had time now to talk more about what happened, and we've both reflected on it... .we think a few things were in play.  And, yes, I think this fear of engulfment was a part of it.  I may just bring that to her attention on a particularly calm day, because I don't think she's come across that term in her studies either. 

But someone else here brought up JADEing, and... .looking back I can definitely see where I've been slipping on that.  I'm not beating myself up over it- I'm only human.  But, I do think my enthusiasm about being back in college has caused my focus to slip.  Understandable and forgivable, but... .something I can work on getting back to basics on.  I know on the morning of the blow-up, I kept saying "what did I do wrong?" over and over again, even though I knew I had NOT done anything wrong... .and of course that just made her more and more upset.

So I can relate to being in a fetal position crying while someone yells about how much you're hurting them.  So confusing.

I think that's where radical acceptance comes into play.  I don't think it will ever "make sense" when she's verbally abusing me and claiming I'm the one doing the hurting.  But it doesn't have to make sense.  I just have to accept that she's not always going to "make sense" when she's dysregulating.  That's what I signed up for.  It's on me to be patient and keep my cool until she's got her own cool back.

Someone else here said something like "don't wear your own emotions on your sleeve"... .(sorry I can't find the quote).  That is the hardest part for me.  Since I can remember, I have NEVER had a good "poker face".  All my life, people have been able to see right through me.  I can't even lie worth a damn, which is usually a positive. . 

I can't even do that with strangers, so imagine how difficult it is with my wife, who knows me better than anyone in the first place.  Sometimes when she's dysregulating, all I have to do is sigh and it sets her off.

I have to admit: sometimes I get confused on this topic.  I've read the book "walking on eggshells", in which the advice is NOT to withdraw all your own emotions, but rather to share them constructively and at appropriate times.  I guess I understand the concept, but I simply fail to recognize "right times" from "wrong times" occasionally.   

Eh, but really I don't do too bad.  I have to give myself some credit, because this is a pretty rough journey sometimes, but she and I always manage to get back on top of things and get back on track.  Sometimes months go by without any incident at all... .Honestly, overall, I'm very blessed to have a partner who has sought treatment and stayed in treatment.  And I don't do too shabby myself.

Sometimes we all just need to breathe and give ourselves a pat on the back for hanging in there.  My wife is SO worth it.  She always has been.  That's why I married her   Thanks everyone.  I will try to pay it forward if I can.

[howard]

suggestion for long term, try not to rely on her financially. It will come back to bite you, and often when you least expect it and completely unfairly. If BPD feel that they have a power over you, they will use it and money or financial issues become very cutting painful lashings. And it sounds like you are really relying on her- maybe that was a large part of your panic. and in any other situation that would be valid. But loved ones need to find every way to be able to control our own lives since the BPD will do all they can to control our actions thoughts emotion. Finances are not only a way to keep control but also IF things got out of hand, you are not trapped when things go haywire.  Every little thing they contribute has been logged in their mind. Do not expect there to be a log of all the things you contribute. So for your own security/peace of mind you do not want to be trapped into their game because of money.