Hey Tattered Heart
I can relate to this point so much. Everything is coming at you so fast while outside influences are also occurring it makes it difficult to pause and maneuver like you normally would.
Him: (snaps) Don't do that!
Me: (snaps back) Why?
Him: (getting angry) Because I don't want to end up wearing it
Me: (stops shaking it. Resists JADEing, I stop responding because I can tell I want to yell at him)
This one in particular makes me think of an example I can share with you:
Past Attempt at R/S:Often times when we go to the store, usually some sort of food market/convenience store for whatever reason, my GF has a habit of what felt like apprehending/scolding me ... .As in, if we are in an aisle at a grocery store and someone is coming up behind me with their cart she will grab my arm and physically pull me to the side. Usually followed up with a "you cant be standing in the way" It always REALLY bothered me. The conversation would usually go like this:
GF: *grabs my arm and moves me out of the way* you're blocking people you cant just stand in the way
ME: Im standing picking out our stuff with you obviously I cant see them coming up BEHIND me
GF: well dont stand in the way in the first place!
ME: they can wait just like the rest of us, whats the rush!
... .it only went further downhill from there.
Present Attempt at R/S: Still happening. It was something I had thought about in depth prior to us deciding to get back together and still didnt know how I would handle it. Then it happened and was staring me in the face. Feeling aggravated over it but keeping in mind that I made a promise to myself to NOT let things escalate, I chose to just step aside (even though her physically pulling me out of the way made it hard not to ) and finished off our trip without letting it turn into a thing. Trip/errand continued on and by the time we got in the car I realized the time it took for us to finish had given me enough time to calm down and say something about how it bothers me.
So I did. This time the conversation went a little like this:
ME: babe, you know when you grabbed my arm and pulled me out of the way in the store?
GF: yeah... .
ME: I really don't like when you do that. Could you try alerting me instead that someone is coming and I'll move on my own?
GF: I dont see what the problem is I just didnt want them to hit you! (clearly getting worked up over me saying something)
ME: thanks baby, I really appreciate you looking out for me. I'd just like it if instead you could let me know theyre coming and I'll move myself instead of pulling me out of the way
GF: yeah... .I can see what youre saying. I just didnt want them to hit you.
I realized she wasnt trying to apprehend/scold me in the store. She did have my safety and concern in mind but didnt realize that how she was, in her eyes, protecting me was actually making me feel negatively.
Flash forward to now: occasionally she'll still grab my arm. I still have the instinctual grimace. But as soon as she does she looks at me and says "Sorry baby, I didnt mean to do that I just dont want them to hit you." -- It's still a work in progress but it's gotten significantly better.
Circling back:Do you think he may have a reason behind his words/actions that are not coming through due to the nature of how he's expressing his concerns? Have you tried asking him in moments where you feel he'd be able to handle the conversation?
Do you feel there are acceptable alternative reactions/actions he could have in moments such as the examples you provided? As in, H says "I wouldnt have done it that way." --> this triggers you to respond how you did ... .In a perfect scenario how would you have rather him said something? (not say something at all isnt an option, . We know SOMETHING will be said)
I'm not sure if this is really helpful... .but I thought it couldnt hurt to share what I've seen has helped improve it in my circumstances.